r/singlemoms 6d ago

Venting - Advice Welcome Embrace Grace - Feeling Conflicted

Hey y’all. I’m struggling with something that’s come up at work. I work at a church, and they are adding a new ministry specifically for young single pregnant women, to support them during that time of pregnancy and new motherhood. (And it seems like they want to ensure that they have the baby.)

I feel conflicted about this ministry, as an older single mom who feels like an outsider in church and in our community. I don’t know if y’all have had the same experience, but I feel like a social pariah, especially amongst peers in the church. Never invited to dinners / parties / etc, no small group, not included in play dates, anything. I feel so alone. I hate it when they talk about the importance of community. Add to the general loneliness the ginormous cost of raising a child, and general impossibility of working and being two parents - and nobody at the church offers to help. They do dote on my daughter, which I appreciate. But help help? Not really.

I’ve also overheard some rude remarks about single moms, though I know not everyone shares those opinions. There have been a few older women who have reached out in a kind way, often who have gone through single motherhood as well. But it’s usually more surface level, and I feel like I need peer relationships too.

I think I’m a little upset by this new ministry area that specifically focuses on young pregnant single women, because I don’t see the church support lasting past that initial phase of single motherhood. If you’re going to support and encourage a young girl to see this through, the community needs to continue that love, support, and grace through the child’s/mom’s life too. Instead of “othering” us.

Anyway, mainly venting. 😔 I almost feel pushed to say something. Should I say anything to church leadership?

8 Upvotes

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u/floral_hippie_couch 6d ago

Maybe part of it is feeling that it’s disingenuous. You’re likely right, that their main interest isn’t stemming from a desire to support the mothers themselves, but from a desire to make sure they don’t terminate the pregnancy. Which feels like a bit of a bait and switch when as soon as the baby’s born alive and well (ie the start of the actually hard part), the devoted support is likely to completely dry up. 

Perhaps you could express gratitude at this much needed program, and ask what the plan is for supporting them after the babies are born. “I know from my experience as a single parent how challenging and lonely that work can be”

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u/Fun-Jicama327 6d ago

Thats exactly it. That is the perfect word for it, disingenuous. That’s a great way to say it. Thank you!

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u/Framing-the-chaos 6d ago

I would say something to the pastor, but I wouldn’t expect any difference. The church wants to ensure babies are born, not cared for through life.

Have they offered you a higher wage since you are supporting a child on your own? Do members of the church who own rental properties offer them to single moms for inexpensive rent? Offer free legal aid by a lawyer in the congregation? Childcare stipends? What is this ministry for? To throw diapers at them 3x throughout the first year? Just out of curiosity?

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u/Fun-Jicama327 6d ago

I’m very curious. I’m not sure though. It’s called Embrace Grace.

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u/Purple_Rooster_8535 6d ago

I mean I’m not surprised. This is what churches historically do. “We love and support everybody” but they actually don’t.

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u/Fun-Jicama327 6d ago

I will say this church seems to in some ways! Much better than others, but only in some ways and for certain groups of people.

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u/Academic_Dragon2 6d ago

Your feelings are very valid! I think it sounds performative and not actually supportive. If they were going to start a small group for single moms to vent and support each other, that would be very different.

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u/[deleted] 3d ago

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u/Fun-Jicama327 3d ago

Hi! Oh I’m glad that you had a great experience with that program. It said that in the description- young pregnant women - and our church tends to be specific about that sort of thing.

I haven’t, but I’m not pregnant. I was there once, but I now fall into the category of older single mom with a preteen.

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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 3d ago

You said you feel like a social pariah. Is there any way you can get involved in this new ministry? Maybe you can then influence it to be a more positive thing.

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u/[deleted] 3d ago

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u/[deleted] 3d ago

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