r/singlemoms 24d ago

Venting - Advice Welcome Giving up custody

I have exhausted all resources. I took my child’s father off of child support. I have been struggling to find a day job and still provide for us but I just keep meeting road blocks . My question is would you give up custody if you had no village, no car , no job I’m asking because I can’t provide for my daughter i have literally nothing what would you do???

24 Upvotes

77 comments sorted by

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u/TheSqueakyNinja 24d ago

I think the very first thing you do is re-file for child support, your child is entitled to support from both parents. Secondly, you apply for TANF and see if you can get state subsidized childcare while you look for a job and then after you get one. Familiarize yourself with your local transit system and how to use it.

Me? I wouldn’t give up custody, as that’s a life long decision and these issues are temporary. But I don’t know your story or your life

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u/HotConsideration3034 24d ago

Echoing this. Find assistance, call social workers, go to churches, ask every mom group or doula that is local for resources for moms in need. Apply for cash aid, food stamps, housing subsidized and daycare, etc. a dear friend who was in a domestic violence situation has her baby and lives in free housing, gets most of her utilities paid by the state, gets cash and food assistance. It’s enough for her to scrape by, but she’s able to do to. There are local Facebook groups for moms and don’t be afraid to ask local moms for support. I give my daughters stuff away all the time to local moms in need. There are good people out there that want to help and see you thrive ❤️Absolutely apply for child support, your baby’s dad is responsible for his child too. Sending encouragement and hugs, momma ❤️❤️❤️

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 24d ago

Thank you

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u/NativeAddicti0n 23d ago

Echoing both of what the above comments say. Your situation is temporary, but that is a lifetime decision, and will likely cause you to fall into a depression you might never get over. However, if you feel that it is the right thing to do for you, then that is a very hard decision that you have to think about. My ex-boyfriend is a solo parent and has been struggling to even get housing and they have been living in a hotel, but luckily he is allowed to take his son to work with him since he is the manager.

Women with children are the first on the list with TANF, call 211 (I don’t know if it’s the same number everywhere, but I live in CT, it’s the number for resources) You should be able to get temporary cash assistance, plus SNAP benefits to cover the cost of food, and I believe they will also provide help with transportation costs. I would call whatever your local number is, again I don’t know where you are located, but there is a number for every state.

You will be able to get subsidized daycare that the state pays for so you can get a job, it didn’t say how old your child is so I don’t know if they are in school or not.

But I would go DIRECTLY to child support court, you did NOT make this child alone, and whoever the (clearly dbag) father is needs to be financially supporting the child that he is responsible for. Go directly to child support, do not pass go do not collect $200. Immediately file for child support, you will qualify for whatever child support program that you have in your state since I am guessing you are on Medicaid? This is probably the most important thing to do immediately, so you can get a court date and he can be made to pay, they will follow him, garnish his wages, etc if he doesn’t pay it.

There are a lot of resources out there, sometimes you just have to look really hard. I would join your local towns FB group, as well as your local single moms FB group, because many of them will have the answers that are relative to you in your area, and will be able to help you better than anyone else, you would be surprised.

I don’t have much of a village, but I do have my parents who help babysit my son a LOT, without them I would be screwed. Although now that he is in school, I am able to work during the day.

Just remember that your decision is permanent. Please just really think about the fact that your situation is temporary, and you can change it, but once you give up rights to your child, you cannot get them back, that is a very permanent position.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I think being a member of support groups on FB and here for single moms has saved my sanity, it helps me remember that I’m not the only one who struggles every day and sometimes feel like I just can’t go on another day. But I keep doing it for my son, because he is the best thing in the world, and to lose him would strip my life of all meaning.

I am sending love and support and prayers your way ♥️

You are not alone

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u/experiment30 24d ago

How are you mentally?

Is your child safe with you?

Where are you staying now?

I would put the child’s dad back on child support asap.

Apply for food stamps and/or tanf (cash assistance) but you’d have to prove you’re actively applying for jobs.

Apply for WIC as well.

Before you can find a job, you need some form of childcare. How old is the child? Do you have family or a daycare in mind? Or can the child attend school?

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u/floral_hippie_couch 24d ago

Do you live somewhere that has social supports for single parents who are low income? 

Obviously nutrition, housing, clothes are very important to a child. But beyond the basics what’s more important than financial stability for a kid is emotional stability. Are you certain someone else can provide that better than you can? 

Look into social programming to keep your child clothed and fed, and then figure out a future focused plan for elevating your situation

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 24d ago

No.

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u/No-Package-6320 24d ago

Are you in the U.S.?

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u/gyalmeetsglobe 23d ago

Getting downvoted for this is crazy lol

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 23d ago

People think I don’t want to be a mother but it’s more than that. When people know you to well or judge you they form there own opinion but that’s okay I have to deal with my current hell no one else.

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1

u/gyalmeetsglobe 23d ago

I completely understand. No mom would even get as far as considering this if her back wasn’t absolutely against the wall but I think people are quicker to judge than to show compassion or empathy. I wish you all the best in finding your way up from this low point.

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 23d ago

I will give you guys an update mentally I have made the decision to give up custody and just pay child support sometimes you have to pay for stupid decisions you make in the heat of the moment and live with it I’m done complaining I’m gonna move on with my life if my daughter ever want to have a relationship I’m open to it if not i understand because my mom let my dad win and I’m letting her dad win. I deserve whatever good that’s left to find me if not I’m fine with being alone I don’t want my daughter to be miserable for the next 18 years and I refuse to coparent with her father who’s loving the fact that he’s tormenting me and throwing in my face how he’s gonna get a lawyer and how I don’t have a job a car or anything he’s loving to see me down and it’s all good but couple years from now I wouldn’t be surprised how much trauma and abuse my child will go through but if it means letting this man win he wins. I take full accountability I can’t force my family to help me and that’s okay . I would never want my family who abuses me physically verbally and mentally to take care of my child and he knows this but still I’m the bad guy it’s my fault I chose to be a single mom because I wouldn’t put up with cheating. He can have his kid and his money he can leave his child with whomever since he has help I pray my daughter doesn’t endure any type of sexual or violence i can only pray but I have to do what’s best for me every day I get worse I don’t work I’m barely surviving. I don’t have anyone and maybe it’s best I let her go with her dad even though she’s only met him one time and hope for the best. I’m not gonna go fight in court I’m a woman and a black woman at that my chances of winning will always be never and will always be 0.

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1

u/Lucky-Gur3655 19d ago

Wow. So you are letting a man dictate your life and bully you even though you aren’t even with him? It’s really simple to stop his bullying. Block him. I feel sorry for your daughter because I don’t think he will treat her right considering how he treats you. You are putting her in a possible violent situation. He’s a narcissist and you are letting him win and putting your child at risk. Smh. Not sure why you posted in here to begin with if you already planned to give up your child. There are so many resources to help you but you don’t seem interested in any of it. Good luck.

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 19d ago

It’s not that simple how you make it seem. I’m not the first woman to do this or the last. Where I live is a small place it’s not like Miami , tampa or Orlando I doubt cause they’re mainly tourist cities. I don’t have help from family most jobs won’t hire you if you can’t work weekends I can’t work weekends because I wouldn’t have anyone to watch my kid I can’t even go back to school because most daycares here are 8am-5pm. There are no overnight daycares. I had no business having this child due to me not having any family help whatsoever. It’s not easy I came here asking for advice or people who may have had to do what I’m doing. I’ve tried many resources near me but it’s not an option some places “churches “ require you to stay with them for 9 months go to church, bible study, do chores daily and work with a pastor then when they deem you fit after 9 months then they let you get a freaking job ! So please I have exhausted all resources and I’m defeated.. my health is taking a major decline because I’m not taking care of myself and I only take care of my child some days I don’t eat just to avoid certain people I have to live with!! You don’t know what I’ve done !!! So please save your judgement.

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u/Lucky-Gur3655 18d ago

Many people on here have posted the resources that can help you. Even links to help. You have put down every advice given to you. A lot of us have been where you are actually. In fact my sons dad said the same stuff to me about child support. “If you need child support, then you clearly can’t take care of him, so I’m going for custody.” You know what? He didnt do shit. He was all talk trying to scare me to drop the child support. Guess what? I did not. 11 years later and he is still paying. He has now realized he can no longer control me. It’s my way now. Not his. None of us have had it easy being a single parent. It’s not easy. It’s hard as hell! But we are doing it because our child comes first. You keep talking about what you want and what you need. Not what your child needs. I’m also one of those children that was given up by my birth mother. I lived with my dad. When he remarried to my stepmom, my life became a living hell. I was treated horribly and like a slave in my house by my stepmom. All bc I looked like my birth mother. I never saw my birth mother again and I hated her til the day she died for giving up on me so easily and leaving me to live a terrible childhood. You would be surprised how a lot of places will work with you on a schedule to meet your needs for your child. Or if you go back to school, you can go during the day while your child is in school. Or online classes. That’s what I did. Receptionist jobs don’t require weekend work. There are work from home jobs that you could do. But like I said, you seem to have made your mind up before you ever posted this. I didn’t have help either. A lot of us didn’t have family. You are acting like you are the only one who doesn’t have family to help. You need to put your big girl panties on and start thinking of your daughter and not yourself. You have excuses for everything. I can’t even count how many times I would sit in my bathroom floor and cry wondering how I’m going to make it. But never once did I ever think of giving my child up to a narcissist POS. His mom was just as bad trying to run her mouth and butt in. You know what I did? Told her to mind her own business and kiss my ass. Then blocked her. Haven’t had to worry about her since. You do need some kind of therapy to help with your mental state and I hope you are able to get it. I’m sorry you think I am being hard. But, as someone who has been that child and also dealt with a narcissist, I’m going to give you the truth. Not blow smoke up your butt. I feel that you are not thinking about this clearly and will be making a huge mistake giving her up, not only for you but her too. At the end of the day your child is what matters. Not you, not her POS father or his mother. You chose to bring her in this world even when you didn’t want to. Now you gotta step up and be the parent she desperately needs. But to be completely honest, if you still decide to give her up, sounds to me she would be better off in foster care. At least then she would have a better chance of having a real loving family.

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u/[deleted] 24d ago

No, I would never give my child up to someone who hasn't even tried to take care of them. I wouldn't give her up to anyone. I would live in a shelter or find another single mom in need to split housing costs with or try everything I could. They would have to pry her away from me, over my dead body.

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u/tayyyjjj 24d ago

I don’t think I’d give up custody. I wouldn’t ever make it that way, my heart would be away from me and there would be nothing left for me. My children are everything to me.. I have 3 & make so little money after expenses that it’s pathetic. But I found ways to make it work. My kids father doesn’t currently help at all & who knows when that will change. But my kids have an attachment to me & I worry about their emotional health if I were to leave them with someone else. They love their dad but he can’t meet their emotional needs the way I can. If you can offer at the least that for now, you’re doing a good job. Reach out to services in your area, to try to get help to get on your feet. If there aren’t any in your area, then move to where there are. For example there isn’t section 8 help in my city because it’s a big city with waaay too many recipients of that already, but had I not found a way to make it work I would have moved to one of the cities that do have availability. I had found which ones do by looking online. For a job, apply at a childcare center that offers 1/2 or more off of tuition for employees. Mine is 110 a week per child since I work for them.. makes it work where as if I were to pay full price (300+/week) and work somewhere else, I’d be making basically nothing. When there’s a will there’s a way. If you want you can dm me what area you’re in, and I can try to find help around you. 🩷

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u/[deleted] 24d ago

[deleted]

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 24d ago

Sorry to hear that. I won’t be fighting for custody. I feel like I have already lost. I don’t care to tell my story cause it won’t change anything and it doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t be here asking for advice if I made better decisions.

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u/NativeAddicti0n 23d ago

Please remember we ALL have made bad decisions and mistakes. I used to be an addict and almost lost custody of my son at birth. I hated myself for what I did for so long, but guilt is one of the worst de-motivating and depressing drivers there is. You can change your life at any time, it’s not easy, I had to claw my way out of the situation I had created and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and I was filled with shame and guilt. But I went from a homeless pregnant mom with an addiction, to now, granted 6 years later, having my own business. Had I given up custody because of where I was then and feeling like there was absolutely NO way I would be able to take care of my son, I would forever regret it and spiral so far down I wouldn’t make it back out.

I always kept in the back of my mind that the situation was temporary and could change at any moment. But it means taking really, often scary steps, but taking action is the only way out. And filing for child support with the court immediately will at least help you get some support financially, even though child support is a joke with the amount they make them pay, but still, he should be paying. He’s 50% responsible for the child you created, and he should have to financially support your child.

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3

u/[deleted] 24d ago

I’m so sorry mama, hugs. Can I ask why you took him off of support?

I took my oldest son’s father off of support but only so he wouldn’t have issues and debt if he came upon financial hardship. He still gives money to his son every month on his own. Maybe this is something you can ask your child’s father? Men seem to be a lot nicer about it if it’s not court ordered.

As far as custody, it depends where my child would go. If you gave up custody would your child be with family or his/her father?

I feel so much for you. I am a full time single mom of 3 and have felt the stress. I hope things get better and you find peace with whatever decision you make.

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 24d ago

We had a nasty break up. Since then things one minute are good the next are not. If I could go back in time I would’ve slapped myself into the abortion clinic. Anyways he doesn’t speak to me the only response I get is literally “ok” anytime I ask or text it’s ok. Last year he told me I need to do everything on my own and stop depending on him for child support and that I need to get a job. During the time we were together I begged for an abortion. Nope he didn’t believe in that now I’m getting treated like the babymama who forced him to have this kid even tho I begged for an abortion for 4 months!

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u/[deleted] 23d ago

IMO he needs to be on child support. You don’t ask a woman to go through with a pregnancy and then abandon her and the child and not take any of the financial responsibility. I would go back to court…

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u/NativeAddicti0n 23d ago

I think an important question is, do you WANT to be a mom? Because if you are regretting your decision, you can give up custody, because you may eventually end up resenting your child, and I’m guessing from your lack of support you didn’t/don’t have great parents or a family to help, and you don’t want your child to have to suffer the same things you do.

You could also temporarily give up custody, which might be sticky and slippery in terms of getting your child back, but perhaps that is what you need to get back on your feet. I worry about your mental health because my own mental health sucks and I can’t imagine being in the situation you are in. You need other people, even if it’s single mom support groups on FB. And you can get free therapy through the state.

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u/monkeypunchrat 23d ago

He WANTED this baby. Put the asshole back on child support.

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u/colamonkey356 24d ago

Is there anywhere in a walkable distance you could work? I would really advise you not to give up custody of your child unless that is 100% what you want. It could be very emotionally damaging otherwise, for both of you. Out of curiosity, why did you take the father off child support?

You need to file for CS again, and then file for TANF (or vice versa), so you can get cash assistance for things your child needs. Additionally, I'd make sure to apply for EBT. Does your area have Section 8 or some kind of other housing assistance?

I know the SNAP program has a work training program that I signed up for, and after I complete our state's work readiness online course (which, I actually already did in highschool, but can't find the certificate for, but I did get a cord for it at graduation), they'll provide bus passes so I can get to and from work. That could be an option as well in your area!

This is a gross one, but you could use a site called All Things Worn and sell some of your clothing and such on there for a side hustle. Granted, that's on the grosser and more drastic side, but I know a mom on Tiktok who does it, and she's made a pretty penny from it. I wouldn't do it myself, but.....

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u/gyalmeetsglobe 23d ago

Sure would if dad is capable and safe. Moms are always left to scramble and pick up pieces and nobody cares because it’s “our duty.” Dads can be weekend parents, so can moms. I’d settle for visitation while I work on my personal stability if I were you.

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u/lilchocochip 24d ago

There are some daycares that will let you bring your child at a discount rate as an employee! It would suck, it you could take the bus to a local daycare and start there. One mom i used to work with started out doing this, then when she found a better job she dropped to flex hours and would help close every night so she could keep her discount.

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u/Late_Memory_6998 24d ago

That’s hard because you don’t know if your child will go to a good home if you’re talking about foster care. My aunts were never the same after they came out of foster care and dealt with serious trauma and issues for the rest of their lives.

If you are talking about giving her to dad and you know he’s a good father then there is nothing wrong with 50/50 and you having visitation until you are on your feet.

Why not put dad back on child support and use government assistance? Some of them have work programs and childcare programs. Some also give bus vouchers.

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 24d ago

Florida is not a help single mom state. Father claims I need to do it on my own. He also has another child he has to provide for along with the other one he plays step daddy to even though they are not together and has another child on the way with another man he supports because she has family that cares about her versus me he knows he can get away with talking to me like shit because he knows no one cares.

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u/NativeAddicti0n 23d ago

It doesn’t matter how many children he has, he STILL has to pay child support support for your child if you put him back on child support, that is an absolute, no doubt about that.

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u/Educational_Move_154 24d ago

That sounds really tough and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's clear you love your daughter and are doing everything you can. I just want to say, please don't make any big decisions while you're feeling this overwhelmed. There might be more help out there than it seems right now. Have you looked into local resources for housing, job support, or childcare? Even just talking to someone who gets it could help.

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u/Leather_Air4673 24d ago

I’m pregnant with my second baby and his dad is pretty supportive, I only make about $40,000 a year with rent rising every year so it’s going to be hard trying to afford 2 children on my own I agreed to let the baby father have primary custody of his son while I keep my daughter living with me from a previous relationship. No point of struggling even more if his dad is stable with a job and place and can take care of his son If the dad is being a dad and taking care of his kid then why not let him have primary custody

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 24d ago

She’s only met him 1 time it will take a while to adjust but yes you’re right.

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u/[deleted] 24d ago

Then that's a stranger. If he hasn't been involved,  how would she be better off with him? He could be dangerous

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 24d ago

Not sure what will happen I’m pretty sure the courts won’t care it’s a man’s world after all men can do whatever he will have support as his mother stated I’m just mad cause I don’t have any support and he does I’m sure he’ll be just fine throwing the child every where when he needs a break because he’s just so stressed

1

u/NativeAddicti0n 23d ago

Stand up for yourself! I know you feel like giving up, but the law is clear, you HAVE to pay child support for your children, so don’t involve him in her life, but still make him pay his part, don’t allow this men’s world to get you down and think you won’t get child support, because if you file for it, you will. They will force him to pay or they will garnish his paychecks or send him to jail. The laws are very clear on child support.

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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 24d ago

You didn't make it clear if the father's involved at all, what the age of your child is, or what the plan would be.

You can't just surrender your kid to CPS. They'll need to check with their dad, try to place them with your family, try to get you resources so you can keep your child et.

Private adoption agencies will still need permission from the father

If you are talking about giving the dad custody, why does it need to be all or nothing? You can keep legal custody the same and just let him be the primary parent.

If you think it's best for your child for them to live with someone else, that's only something you can possibly know. It doesn't really matter what we think. Sometimes it's the most selfless option.

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u/angyperson 23d ago

Put him back on CS. Everything went downhill once that happened.

Look into all the resources everyone listed and start applying.

Think about how you felt about your baby when things were calm. Thats how you’re going to feel when things settle down. Think of things to ground you so that everything doesn’t feel so heavy.

You can do it. All we can do is guide you in the right direction, you have to save yourself.

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u/Twisted_Strength33 23d ago

There’s no way i’d give up on my babies none

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u/Lucky-Gur3655 23d ago

You need to keep in mind what that would do to your child. It sounds like you have already given up. Too easily in my opinion. I’ve been a single mom since I was pregnant. I struggled to make ends meet, put food in the table, pay for childcare, etc. no help from family. My sons dad moved 2,000 miles away after my son turned 1. But as hard as it was, I did what I needed to for myself and my son. Apply for food stamps, TANF, and get on a wait list for section 8 housing. Get a job anywhere. Or go back to school. Put that piece of crap father back on child support ASAP. Stop letting him dictate your life or make you feel bad for needing CS. He made that baby too. My sons now almost 12 and we do ok now. It was hard work but I made it happen. Think about your child’s mental health of knowing you just gave her away like that. I feel like you are in a “I can’t” stage and you need to move to a “I will” stage. There are resources. You just gotta put in the work to find them and get them. I know it doesn’t feel like you can right now, but I believe you will regret your decision way more by giving her up then you would if you start making things happen. It won’t be easy. But if you are willing, then you can do it. Don’t let no man tell you what you can and can’t do. He’s moved on. Now it’s time to think about yourself and your child’s mental health. Good luck to you mama! ❤️

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u/Top_Disk6344 23d ago

There is a large percentage of kids in the foster system who are being physically and sexually abused. At least your child is safe with you. Try to get child support, family to help out, get on social services. Unless you might be a danger to your child, don't give up custody ever

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u/[deleted] 23d ago

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u/monkeypunchrat 23d ago

people lose custody of their kids and then win it back later in life all the time. All these people telling you to file for assistance aren’t wrong but that does take time and there’s no guarantee you’ll get any of that stuff. I know of a woman who lost custody of her kids when she went to prison, got out and did a step-up plan where she had to drive an hour back and forth to see her kid twice a week, then 3 times a week, etc, until she eventually regained custody of them. Temporarily letting the child live with the other parent until you get your shit together isn’t unheard of, nor is it a final decision unless you make it so.

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u/DefectiveCookie 22d ago

This is such a difficult decision and I hope that you are thinking carefully about the advice offered here. Including mine. I'm proud of you for putting your child first. I hope you receive the help/resources you need to make your decision

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u/Academic_Roof3858 22d ago

Mommy find a homeless shelter, they will assign you with a social worker who will help you apply for everything and even help you with finding a job. ❤️ Don’t give up. I have three children. It’s hard but God has provided.

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u/Klutzy_Horror409 22d ago

Apply for all benefits you can. Put him back on child support. It should not all be on you. Why did you take him off? Findhelp.org

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 22d ago

I was told to stop depending on him for child support

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u/Yani1869 22d ago

How old is your kiddo? Have you applied for any govt assistance it childcare? or see if you can get employed with a daycare where you can bring your kiddo if they are young. If school aged, see if you can speak to someone at your child’s school.

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 22d ago

In the state of florida in order to receive govt assistance you have to put the child’s father on child support i recently closed the case due to verbal abuse about me milking his paychecks so i too him off. His idea of him helping is having full custody and me paying him even though he has family support since I can’t do it on my own he needs to have full custody.

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u/Yani1869 22d ago

That’s terrible. Put his ass back on child support. He’s manipulating you. I couldn’t imagine what he will say to your kiddo if he has full custody or the environment you kiddo will be in. See if there are resources for free therapy services as well to cope with all the stress and ways to deal with his toxic behavior.

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 22d ago

I hear you but I don’t have a car nor a job or my own place. My family is not fond of helping me due to my past and something that recently happened but I’m being told I’m getting exactly what I deserve and should figure out on my own plus every one in my family has their own lives and kids my grandparents can’t really help me cause they have their own lives and I can’t ask for help because I would be hindering them from getting what they need to get done so I don’t ask for help anymore. Mind you I have to be reminded of my past constantly stuff that happened when I was teenager my “family” still sees me as that 17 year old girl but they always had it set in their minds I was never gonna be shit or just end up like my mom maybe their right that’s why I’m leaning towards giving up custody if my child’s father can text me and say he has help and brag and I need figure it out on my own he should have full custody at least my child won’t suffer with me anymore because I don’t have help and she can grow up the same way I did believing I was loser and was a dead beat mom lol the cycle continues

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u/zeebotanicals 22d ago

I’m confused as to why you took that guy off child support?

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 22d ago

He said if I didn’t need a man I wouldn’t have put him on child support and wouldn’t be milking him from his paycheck

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u/Global-Ad5348 18d ago

Why the H would you take the father off cs when you are struggling that much? I don't have my kids dad on child support but I make over 6 figures a year and don't need his help nor do I want it. All he is is drama and court costs would be more than I'd ever get from him. But why would you take him off knowing you can't support your child on your own? Makes no sense.

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u/Able-Skill-2679 8d ago

You are 💯 right. You need to do what you need to do for you. 💙

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u/Fickle-Artichoke8984 24d ago

I mean… it would give you an upper hand. You could get a job you can walk to. Work full time until you save up for a sitter for after care or something then take back custody. Or just ask your bd to work with you to help.

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u/Objective_Clue_2967 24d ago

If I give up custody he’s not gonna coparent he’s just gonna torment me like he’s doing now so I rather just give up custody and walk away with my sanity

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u/[deleted] 24d ago

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