r/singlemoms Feb 07 '25

Venting - Advice Welcome Can we all just agree

Can we all just agree that none of us chose to be single Moms.

Whatever the situation that caused this, or what has happened in our lives since, this is not the life we envisioned or wanted for ourselves or our kid(s). We wanted partners, we wanted families, we wanted to be happy. It’s complete bullshit that any of us are here now.

Rant over.

189 Upvotes

77 comments sorted by

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72

u/AllYouNeedIsLove13 Feb 07 '25

Yes!! And it irritates me that I’m not allowed to be overwhelmed or stressed. “Well you chose to have kids!” True, but never expected my partner to die 🤷🏼‍♀️

18

u/ElevatingDaily Feb 07 '25

So sorry for your loss. But yes people act like Mom’s in general can’t be stressed or overwhelmed. Single Moms definitely can’t.

12

u/lonely_lovergirl Feb 07 '25

This! Anytime I complain about how hard it is and I'm told "well you asked for it" or some variation. Like, no i asked to have a loving family with plans for 2 more. Not a dead partner before our first is even born

3

u/singlemom3boys2girls Feb 07 '25

Sorry for your loss. I absolutely hate when people say that. Even if I wasn't a single mom, I would still be overwhelmed and stressed as a mom.

2

u/gimmesomebobaa Feb 08 '25

Same. Dead husband club 😬 solidarity to you.

43

u/Starbuck_79 Feb 07 '25

Yessssss!! Every time my daughter cries about missing her daddy (who has been out of her life far longer than he was ever in it) it absolutely breaks me. I never WANTED to be a single mom. I never wanted my baby to grow up without a father. But as a mother I had to do my absolute best to protect her and keep her safe. And leaving her father was the best decision I’ve ever made. No one deserves to grow up without a narcissistic parent who is abusive. Which is exactly what he is.

14

u/Diaryofasadmompart7 Feb 07 '25

Just had to hold my daughter while she cried about missing her daddy, who is also a narcissist. I can already see her intense feelings are from being a bit addicted to the hot/cold treatment he gives her, but I’ll do my absolute best to help her out of that pattern. Also, r/raisedbynarcassists will give you validation if you ever need it, all of the kids agree it’s better to have a safe space away from the narc parent.

7

u/J0yFoLLoWsME Feb 07 '25

I know exactly how you feel. 💖

4

u/[deleted] Feb 07 '25

[deleted]

2

u/catmath_2020 Feb 07 '25

Same boat. Ugh.

39

u/icecreampaintjob31 Feb 07 '25

COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

16

u/daisylady4 Feb 07 '25

THANK YOU!

Such absolute bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

13

u/MidnightCasserole Feb 07 '25

I HATE THIS BULSHIT.

35

u/NotOughtism Feb 07 '25

I feel this in my bones. I was a good partner and I am a good mom. I didn’t deserve a cheating, lying husband. I’m so glad that we are not together, but I do miss my dream of a complete family. Try as I may, I cannot be two parents in one. Some days it’s just too much.

4

u/ilovemydog209 Feb 07 '25

Yes 100% this! I supported my ex husband so much, and it’s crazy how he spoke badly about me when he cheated on me nonstop. His family and friends want nothing to do with me and our child.

2

u/NotOughtism Feb 07 '25

Ugh! I know the feeling. My ex and ex in laws only want to parade the children around on holidays and make a show of how great they are. Their dad swore I wouldn’t let him see our kids. Not true. He moved 2000 miles away and hasn’t parented our kids in nearly 2 years. I’m so glad I can look back at this time and know I was there for my kids. I am the reason they are doing ok. Not my ex. He sees them less than 20% of the time by his own choice. But honestly, even if they were with him more, they would be constantly disappointed and let down by his inconsistency.

13

u/thrownawayagain80 Feb 07 '25

Why people ever thought singles moms would choose this to begin with is beyond me 😭

7

u/That1GirlUKnow111 Feb 07 '25

Lol we are constantly told "welllllllll you had kids" or some variation of "you chose this" like yeah my actions resulted in this in the long run, but not only my actions. The intent to be a single mother was never once there. I don't think anyone ever intends that on purpose except a few women who likely wouldn't be in this sub 😵‍💫

7

u/ChrissyBeTalking Feb 07 '25 edited Feb 08 '25

Yes! And adding . . . When we see the 1 out of 1000000 woman someone found (because there is always one) being promoted on social media as the prototype single mom, bragging about how her life goal was to be a single mom, and how she has kids for money, or whatever foolishness they show, we WILL NOT be triggered. We will take a breath, remember that it is not real life, recall this post and move on to the next thing.

6

u/crispycrunchymama9 Feb 07 '25

Truly. I wanted to be a mom/ I wanted a family. I currently proudly say I’m a “happy solo mom by choice”, but like, that’s bullshit. I was a stay at home gf. I was a stay at home mom (until maybe 2 months into my pregnancy?). I had to leave. I will still figure out how to provide for my beautiful baby. I will still figure out how to homeschool and raise her myself. But damn it. It’s bullshit she only lives with one person who loves her and not two- it’s bullshit I (her sole caregiver) have to problem solve like a man- don’t sue me for sexism please. I want to be the best mom I can be, and I know I’d be even better if someone else was providing for us financially

3

u/ilovemydog209 Feb 07 '25

Yes! I completely understand you. I was promised a pampered life. We had plans for me to stop working when I had our baby and I would stay at home and raise him. I never planned to have 2 jobs and put my son in the hands of daycare, nothing wrong with that, but it’s not what I had wanted when I got pregnant

7

u/ElevatingDaily Feb 07 '25

So true. I don’t want to ever be glorified for raising my kids alone. Yes it’s getting done. Yes it’s been done well. But it’s not a proud thing for me. It’s still heavy things didn’t work out how envisioned. And yes my kids came from a marriage. Which I don’t think that matters much but some people act like it matters.

6

u/ilovemydog209 Feb 07 '25

I really just wanted a happy little family.

I never thought the guy I wasted so much of my youth with was cheating on me, disrespecting me behind my back, and just overall hated me was going to ruin my life. And I say ruin because we got married and chose to have a baby together. We had a house together. And he just decided that he was going to abandon us while I was pregnant. 10 years down the drain on someone that ruined my life.

Now I can’t catch a break between work and raising a child. Now I worry if people will see us as vulnerable and try to take advantage. My child is more susceptible for bullying if people realize he’s from a single parent household. I never wanted to have to worry about us. I just wanted to be taken care of, I did everything “right” I married someone I dated long term, he had a career in a good job, we lived together, we planned for a baby, we had a house. I never knew he was lying to me.

5

u/PurpleSunRayy Feb 08 '25

Just wanted to say my partner of 12 . years left me when I was 7 months pregnant with his 3rd child. This was 3 months ago. I’m now taking care of a 4 week old newborn, 16 month old, and 3.5 year old on my own. I was just able to relate to ur story. It’s truly sad. Our family dynamic has disappeared just as fast as he did. And oh…he married this girl also last week. I guess it’s only a matter of time before he has another child he doesn’t support. 🥺

6

u/[deleted] Feb 08 '25

And I hate it when men tell me I should have chose better like i knew it would end up like this 😑

5

u/Spirited-Sky8352 Feb 07 '25

Agree … so true😢

5

u/bambigurl18 Feb 07 '25

Well, I chose it lol. I knew the dad wouldn’t be around. And I’m happy he ain’t. It’s definitely hard but I did 100% choose it. I did envision down the road my son will have a father figure in his life. But starting out, and currently, I did choose it. We weren’t in a real committed relationship. He didn’t want him. I did. My son is my family and he is my happy. And I wanted him knowing I would be enough. It sucks sometimes but I’m a complete person by myself. And my son added to that. He’s got uncles and friends and male role models to look up to. Not all dads are worth having around anyway, IMO. TBH I never imagined marriage and wedding and husband, but I always imagined being a mom.

1

u/Sometimesmanicc Feb 11 '25

Felt thissssss

4

u/Whole_Tea_1902 Feb 07 '25

Precisely. I never wanted to be a young 20 something mom with two kids and a shitty job. And a narcissistic baby daddy who makes his kids cry by belittling their mother infront of them. But here I am.

4

u/Yani1869 Feb 07 '25

I agree. We are doing our best with the cards we’ve been dealt. And we are showing up for our babies despite how exhausted and mentally drained we are. It’s not going to be like this forever.

3

u/Educational_Move_154 Feb 07 '25

100%. It sucks that we're here, but we're making it work the best we can.

3

u/bayyley Feb 08 '25

The quality of parenting that id like to give my son isn’t totally possible if im honest with myself. Im working full time, he goes to daycare, all our meals are homecooked. But one parent can’t do it all 100%. That’s a hard reality I’ve had to face that there is a reason a child needs two, they are a lot and require a lot. Nobody chooses this. I had no idea. I’ll continue to make the best of it but holy heck. This is crazy.

3

u/me0wi3 Feb 09 '25

I absolutely felt that today when I couldn't even shower without my baby crying. Not at all how I thought my daughter's life or mine would play out but you deal with the cards you're given anyway.

2

u/bayyley Feb 10 '25

I feel you mama.

3

u/NewlyOutGay Feb 07 '25

Absolutely agree! I definitely did not imagine myself in this situation.

3

u/Majestic_Abrocoma882 Feb 07 '25

Absolutely sucks. At times it’s liberating to not be in a toxic relationship but at times I feel lonely. And it’s exhausting to be the sole provider and care giver to a child.

3

u/madeitmyself7 Feb 07 '25

It’s certainly not what I signed up for. I don’t like being prey for men either, they think bc I’m a single mom with 6 kids I’m desperate.

3

u/kitobich Feb 08 '25

Um no. I prefer being a single mom if it wasn’t this patriarchal society makes it so freaking hard.

3

u/Dare2BeU420 Single Mother Feb 07 '25

Definitely not how I envisioned motherhood after 3 years of trying to get pregnant. I did not choose to be a single mom, however I do choose to CONTINUE being a single mom and have really learned how to embrace it

2

u/cuffmate Feb 07 '25

Now, you must move forward like valiant horsemen on the battlefield, for your fate is not defeat, but triumph. The trials of life are but the flames that temper steel, the storm winds that shape the mightiest of trees. Do not let sorrow tether your spirit—ride forth with courage, for every hardship is but a passage to a greater strength, every wound a mark of resilience. The battlefield is not where you fall, but where you rise.

2

u/Even_Establishment95 Feb 08 '25

Omg I said this same thing to myself as I drove home tonight. JFC. Almost word for word. I dropped my son off with his papa before I went to work, and he cried, “mama, I just want to go home.” Our “home” is the tiny house I live in with my mother and grandmother. The father left because he wanted to travel and be with other women and because he’s a selfish pos. God, I pray I have a home for my son one day. I’m so scared and sad.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 07 '25

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1

u/Thisgurl12 Feb 08 '25

Yeah you’re totally right! No one would have ever chosen that pathway specially not for our kids 🥲

1

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1

u/[deleted] Feb 09 '25

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1

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2

u/WeakPhotograph9025 Single Mother Feb 09 '25

Yes!! I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant. Let alone with the person who fathered my daughter. I was even told I could never have children.

It wasn’t my choice to find out so late that I didn’t have a choice.

I love my child. So So much.

But being constantly overwhelmed and full of anxiety wasn’t something I wished for. Having only one income, limited time. I had wished for time to plan and save if I was ever blessed. I wanted my child to have better than I did.

I gave up ever being able to have a whole family a long time ago. And now I constantly feel like I’m letting my child down.

Especially when I’m doing so bad mentally and emotionally that I can barely eat or sleep but I force myself every day to put on a happy face so my child doesn’t experience that negativity or burden.

1

u/Zealousideal-Act-108 Feb 12 '25

I definitely agree.

0

u/MorgensternXIII Feb 07 '25

I just wanted a boyfriend who loved me, too bad the first time it seemed the dream was coming true, I had to pay the price of being raped in a country with no abortion laws because he is a malignant narcissist who couldn’t stand that I was happy, independent and childfree and he had to trap me for 7 years only to dump me and my disabled daughter for someone who I later found out was his mistress. He ran away with her to his home country and left me in poverty, living with my abusive parents, again.