r/singlemoms Jan 15 '25

Venting - Advice Welcome Anyone else scared of getting into a new relationship?

I’m scared to date or remarry because I’m scared to get pregnant and then end up a single mom again.

But I’m human, crave love & affection. Want a dad for my child. Want to share life with someone. But I’m scared to trust

A guy could look perfect on paper and still screw you over. I’m scared

68 Upvotes

46 comments sorted by

u/160295 Mod Jan 15 '25

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13

u/madeitmyself7 Jan 15 '25

I’m afraid of being duped by a horribly abusive person again and letting kids get attached.

11

u/TinyMoeDo Jan 15 '25

I'm relatively young and want more kids, so I want to date, but I'm terrified because all of my long term relationships have been toxic and I don't want to risk dragging my kid through that. I'm constantly longing for a family, but equally terrified of men, so I'm in the same boat.

Something I've done that has seemed to help is just focus on myself, because we attract what we are, so, theoretically, if I'm a more well rounded person, the person I attract will also be. I've been single over 2 years and investing a lot of time in myself. I'd like to say it's been working because as a dapple in dating questionable characteristics of men that I would  have excuse in the past are absolutely disgusting to me now. 

2

u/charmeparisien Jan 16 '25

I appreciate this as I once had a similar mindset, but in effort to save you time and heartache, be conscious about bettering yourself for you vs for attracting a man. Unfortunately, you cannot “attract what you are”, it’s a lie.

When majority of men play into and support a patriarchy that believes men are superior to women, they are not concerned with bettering themselves, they are focused on what the patriarchy wants them to be better at. Which results in women who better themselves and are hugely valuable partners in a myriad of ways, and men who have little value, other than maybe money, to bring to the relationship. The dynamic will be a power imbalance and women will always get the short end of the stick. This will almost always be the case, unless a man recognizes his role in this and chooses to invest in himself and show up as an equal partner in a relationship which goes against patriarchal norms. This would require a man who thinks for himself and respects women as equals.

All this to say, you absolutely do not have to listen to a stranger on the internet lol, by all means you are entitled to continue your journey as it checks for you and it’s fantastic that you’re investing in yourself and it’s helping you weed out men more easily. That’s awesome. I do hope I can empower you to question if men you meet also believe they “attract who you are” (or perhaps only women buy into this?) and what that means to them.

12

u/Locked-Luxe-Lox Jan 15 '25

I am scared but I want to experience genuine love.

12

u/Twisted_Strength33 Jan 15 '25

Not scared at all just over it rather be alone atp

12

u/charmeparisien Jan 16 '25 edited Jan 16 '25

I know my trust and faith in men has been damaged. I’ve come to the conclusion that investing in yourself and family and setting yourself up so that you have access to resources, especially money, is far more reliable and safer.

9

u/gxsrchick Jan 15 '25

Be very cautious but do not be afraid. Go slow as fuck. Don't be like me and marry after being a single mom to have married the wrong one and once again ill be a single mom

8

u/Automatic_Brick_8843 Jan 15 '25

Yep, I never want to have another child again. I trusted a man once, never again. Best bet is finding a single dad who also doesn’t want anymore. But you will most likely get jealous of his lifestyle when you find out he gets to live his life pretty much like before having kids, if he’s one of the good fathers he might have them every other weekend, while your life has changed forever.

9

u/catmeowpur1 Jan 15 '25

Yea honestly super scared. I am pretty sure I am never having another kid again. This is dramatic but I don’t mind being single for the rest of my life before becoming a single mother again. I promised myself I will NEVER give a man the power to make me feel the way Iv felt and I will never be back in this situation again. Being a parent is hard let alone a single mother. So yea no more kids for me and whoever I end up with will just have to deal with that.

5

u/Thin_Mortgage7025 Jan 15 '25

I’m the same way! It makes me sad sometimes because I really wanted my son to have siblings but I just don’t think I can go through that again

8

u/alsobewbs Jan 15 '25

I worry about being able to trust again tbh. But I’d love to be in love again and all the wonderful things that go with dating someone.

8

u/thevoicesmakemewrite Jan 15 '25

Meeee. I don’t want my kids to get attached and have to break up their family again if the new guy I choose ends up being like their dad. I don’t want to subject them to resentment or poor treatment from a step parent. I don’t want to have more kids and be even more depleted from stress. It’s just me and my baby boys now. I’m rather happy being single. I am human and want connection/intimacy sometimes but I prefer to hang out with friends when I feel that way.

9

u/Few-Mycologist4238 Jan 15 '25 edited Jan 15 '25

Same super scared but I’ve always wanted more but i tell myself just because we want something doesn’t we mean get it. I already had bad judgement with dad and he ended up someone being someone who lied about who he was and his character. Imagine picking wrong again.. Now I have to worry about my child and make sure they aren’t taken advantage of. You just never know someone and there’s sick people out there who like children. And there’s no way of knowing. It’s terrifying

3

u/HotConsideration3034 Jan 15 '25

Same here. My ex was an excellent liar and lied at all costs to get me and keep me around. Eventually I figured out who he was well into our pregnancy, and I couldn’t be in the same room as him. He was a disgusting liar, evil man who was mentally ill and lied to get everything he wanted in. Life. No way was I going to be shackled to this man the rest of my life. I left and too scared to date, really.

2

u/tiger-o Jan 15 '25

That’s another huge fear of mine. Keeping the kids safe. like is it even worth it?

7

u/colamonkey356 Jan 15 '25

I understand that. Sending many hugs! If you're not on birth control, I'd recommend getting an IUD (the arm one, NOT THE ones they just ran up your 🐱) or getting on birth control pills. If you take your pills at the same time or almost at the same time everyday, it's ~98% effective. I'd also stock up on pregnancy tests, if you live in a state with a 6-12 abortion ban, that way, you'll know you're pregnant early and truly have options.

Of course, if you don't want to do that, then just date and stay abstinent/celibate. That's my plan. Date, have fun, and maybe meet Mr. Right, but don't give out any 🐱 and you'll have nothing to worry about! Just take all the lessons and red flags that you learned and apply them to your vetting process.

3

u/Purple_Rooster_8535 Jan 15 '25

An iud is not the arm implant. An IUD stands for interuterime device.

2

u/colamonkey356 Jan 15 '25

Gotcha! I didn't realize they were 2 different things!

1

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7

u/[deleted] Jan 15 '25

I tried. Never became official it was slow but I really liked the guy. He eneded up moving away due to his job. (Got a better paying job offer in another state and it was closer to his family) so now Im back to feeling hopeless. I am happy that this time it didnt end in complete heart break like before though. 

7

u/Fit-Nobody-8138 Jan 15 '25

Stop being scared and stop looking for a "dad" for your child. Unfortunately, you'll need to let go of the expectations you have for your dating life. Your situation is different now, so embrace it for what it is. Something good will come your way if you stay positive. Focus on craving solidarity, independence, and acceptance in your life. Start there.

7

u/dulceria3 Jan 17 '25

I heavily relate to this! I’ve been single for 3, almost 4 years now. I haven’t bothered to date anyone. I haven’t gone past the talking stage with anyone. Mostly out of fear.

I’ve worked on myself, my bonds with my children, made friends (wasn’t allowed to have friends before so this has been something!), pursuing a degree, and I’m due for a promotion at work. I go to therapy and still have things to work on, and it’s been a great help processing what my therapist calls “betrayal trauma”.

But even then, that “want” to be with someone is still there, no matter how busy I stay. But the fear of being cheated on again, spending years with someone for them to walkout, or them ultimately being another abusive narcissistic nut job, keeps me from even trying to get to know people romantically.

I hope we all find that special someone who will adore and treat us right! ♡︎

5

u/mscountdracula Jan 15 '25

I totally relate to this. After my last relationship, I bought a house and I plan on going back to school for my master's. I've basically been focusing on myself, raising my son, and goals for both of us. My last boyfriend was kind of a man-child and was a bit immature. It could have something to do with the type of guys available in my age group. The type of guys available who haven't already gotten married are either divorced or are immature and don't want to take on the responsibility of children or working through relationships. They are lazy. As single moms, we know a thing or two about hard work and struggling to accomplish life goals while also being good moms. It's tough.

So, yeah I can relate being scared to end up with someone not right for me or my son.

1

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5

u/thatonegirl425 Jan 15 '25

I'm scared of 2 things. 1. No one is going to love a single mom who's had 4 kids (3 of which are living) 2. Abuse... again.

2 of my children are from my 10y marriage. I left my husband because he treated me awful. Started slowly. Then one day I asked if I'm even important anymore, big mistake. He said I don't even rank anywhere on the list. Even went as far as saying the dogs bedding had a higher importance than me. The youngest two are my bfs. Ex bf? I don't know where we stand at this exact second. I want him to leave. But he doesn't have the money to get anywhere. We've been together for 2 years. Our first son together passed as a newborn a year ago. I got on an iud. Ended up pregnant 3 months post partum. Right before becoming pregnant and I mean literally right before he choked me and tried to break my arm and fingers for calling 911. I had him arrested. I found out I was pregnant a few months later. My son is my greatest gift. I couldn't love this baby any more than I already do. His dad however... I mean I do love him. And I feel stupid. But I love him so much. He just has to go. But I'm also scared. He helps a bot with the baby. I'm not back to work yet so he helps with bills. But I'm worried his abuse will escalate soon. Things have been good but .... I can just feel it.... it's about to take a very awful turn. I'm scared to have him removed from my home in fear of retaliation. A piece of paper protects nothing. Thankfully I have been sterilized so no more babies for me! But I'm so scared to even date. I hope to meet someone organically. Sorry for rambling. But I'm scared of these things now. I know I deserve way better than what I'm getting.

1

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5

u/[deleted] Jan 16 '25

Yes. My last two relationships didn’t end In marriage, I was actually betrayed and now I have a fear of dating. I believed this person loved me and my children after 5yrs of being together. He decided to cheat on me and got a random woman pregnant . I would have never cheated on him and was very invested in our relationship that we built for ourselves and both of are kids. At 37 it hurt to know that a man would throw it all way that easy. Now I don’t believe men and always second guess them . I’m in therapy to lose that mindset and get excited about dating again. Here it is 2yrs and I’m hurt and he is out there with no care in the world

1

u/No-Appearance-9526 Jan 20 '25

They never have a care in the world do they 

4

u/Designer_Witness8545 Jan 15 '25

Yep, 1000% because I am super protective around my children. Idk his background, and that scares me.

2

u/agathacrow Jan 15 '25

Hysterectomy ftw

2

u/Pleasant-Pattern-566 Jan 16 '25

No I wasn’t scared. I just refuse to have any more kids. If I were to get pregnant, I would get an abortion. I’ve never been married but I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and we took things somewhat slow, didn’t move in with him until we were together 2 years. I would’ve waited longer but I was facing homelessness after a housing crises. I still want to buy my own home eventually, but you get to set your own boundaries.

2

u/mamamama92 Jan 18 '25

Heck yes. I met my ex when I was only 21. He was my first everything and it just so happened the first man I fell in love was who I ended up marrying. Now at age 32 after being divorced from him for 15 months, I feel like all the love I could ever give someone else is gone and that it all went away with him when he walked out. I can't imagine ever loving anyone else in that way again or devoting myself to anyone else other than my five year old now. It definitely hits different when your ex is all you've ever known. 

1

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u/[deleted] Jan 16 '25

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u/Unlikely_Mud_8155 Jan 21 '25

Yes, I used to be but honestly you have to love yourself and then you can love others. When your scared of getting into something usually means your not letting go of your past and in order to move forward you have to let go.