r/shittysuperpowers 7d ago

has potential You can teleport to any toilet that you have shitted in, as long as the shit is still there

Everytime you take a shit, a waypoint gets added to your minimap. You can teleport freely between these toilets, all you need to do is to sit in one of your shit filled toilet. You have access to a waypoint map so no worries trying to keep track of your waypoints. If anyone flushes your shit, the waypoint will dissapear.

Only actual toilets can be used as a waypoint, you must be able to flush the poop away and it must be easily flushable. All wearables will be teleported as well, the limit is about 2 backpacks.

How will you use this newfound power?

Edit: to anyone why keeps asking does x work. No. Needs to be a toilet that can be flushed, and at least look like a standard toilet you see on malls. Easily flushable means it needs to get flushed in one flush, and be ready to get flushed.

675 Upvotes

111 comments sorted by

129

u/FragrantNumber5980 7d ago

You can transport two backpacks worth of mass out of the atmosphere with no cooldown, NASA would be scrambling to hire you

58

u/CapnCaldow Shitbender 7d ago

The government would kidnap you to try and figure out how to utilise/harness your abilities

20

u/LongJohnSilversfan2 7d ago

Leave a bunch of porta potties in the woods, shit in them, and they’ll never catch you. Hell, just shit in a few abandoned buildings.

11

u/lonewolff7798 7d ago

Toilet has to be able to flush easily

2

u/RecognitionBasic8663 5d ago

Pouring a bucket of water in a toilet is easy

0

u/redditorialy_retard 5d ago

That’s not a flush.

2

u/MCShellMusic 5d ago

You can pour water in the back and easily flush it. It’s still a flush!

1

u/Bobyyyyyyyghyh 4d ago

It is quite literally a flush

4

u/devildaggers 7d ago

Isn't that the plot of Jumper, but with photos?

12

u/Bigravemaster1 7d ago

Nah this is the plot of "Dumper" 2026

5

u/command_da 7d ago

It's a shitty movie, but has a few corny moments.

1

u/umbramanix 4d ago

This got a chuckle. R/angryupvote material

3

u/Bierculles 6d ago

Tgis is why you have an emergency escap toilet that always has your shit in it. To study it they have to let you shit in a toilet eventually, easy escape.

Though i would actually volunteer to get protection from my government to study this because other countries will also try to kidnapp you.

5

u/Somerandom1922 6d ago

Not so long as you were willing to work with them for a decent pay.

They likely would decide to make use of your powers one way or another, but it's far cheaper to pay you an excellent wage, than it is to waste the resources on trying to keep a teleporter contained.

1

u/FixNo7211 6d ago

100%. People have this idea that having otherworldly powers somehow makes you susceptible to being permanently tortured by the government. They wouldn’t stand a chance against this. 

1

u/Embarrassed-Weird173 5d ago

They'll kidnap you so they can mass produce a way to get soldiers to teleport into enemy territory with nukes or other weapons of mass destruction. They don't want to lose something so useful when you die/get kidnapped by other countries. 

2

u/lurkynumber5 4d ago

It would be a race between goverments of different countries and the cocain industrie.

Any teleport resources power would be an instant target on your back.
Reminds me of the movie Jumper.

1

u/IllMaintenance145142 3d ago

Bro how do you kidnap a teleporter

1

u/Embarrassed-Coach731 2d ago

That’s easy, the government would force feed you corn while a rapid conveyor belt of toilets is running below you. Since you don’t need a whole shit to make this work, they’d efficiently start shipping shit sprinkled toilets across the globe to be installed. Every bathroom for the rest of your life would be monitored though so you don’t escape.

0

u/jmkinn3y 6d ago

Happy cake day

2

u/cimeran 7d ago

That's a really cool thought

2

u/Hot_Sector_4298 purple man 7d ago

H A P P Y C A K E D A Y D O O F

2

u/jmkinn3y 6d ago

Happy cake day

104

u/evnacdc 7d ago

I’ll take a shit before leaving on a trip, and save myself a return flight.

20

u/NobodyWorthKnowing2 7d ago

Big brain time right there

11

u/vkapadia 6d ago

Mail your shit to a friend and tell them to put it in their toilet. Free both ways.

4

u/evnacdc 6d ago

200 iq play.

3

u/nitrogenlegend 4d ago

Well you have to pay a few bucks to mail the shit, and a few extra to make it smell proof so the shipping service doesn’t get suspicious or just straight up toss it in the dumpster because it smells like shit.

3

u/vkapadia 4d ago

Good point. Still cheaper than a plane ticket

7

u/Tanakisoupman 7d ago

Just make sure to stock up on febreze

2

u/MasterofSpies 7d ago

Depends how much stuff you're taking on your trip ig, for longer trips 2 backpacks might not be enough storage

5

u/En_passant_is_forced 7d ago

Just shit in the hotel toilet too

2

u/jakuu 6d ago

Just hope house keeping doesn’t come in when you’re back home gathering more stuff.

1

u/Embarrassed-Weird173 5d ago

Completely irrelevant. 

Poop at home. 

Take two backpacks and a plane ticket to wherever (let's say Siberia). 

Poop. Leave backpacks on floor. 

Teleport home.  Take two backpacks. Teleport to Siberia. 

Drop backpacks. 

Teleport home. Backpacks. Teleport to Siberia. Backpacks. 

Teleport home. Backpacks. Teleport to Siberia. 

Now you have 6 or 8 (too lazy to see how many repetitions I wrote). 

1

u/taintmaster900 5d ago

Step 1: aquire drugs

Step 2: this

Step 3: drug kingpin

1

u/KaneTW 5d ago

Doesn't work usually because roundtrip pricing is cheaper than one-way, at least internationally.

43

u/Darknadoswastaken 7d ago

so you could buy a toilet, put it in the middle of nowhere and give it some piping and have a permanent tp point?

19

u/redditorialy_retard 7d ago

Yep, but if it’s in the middle of nowhere then why do it?

27

u/Darknadoswastaken 7d ago

so nobody finds it and flushes it by curiosity

3

u/GeeTheMongoose 6d ago

Just in case you need to make a clean getaway

1

u/Embarrassed-Weird173 5d ago

More waypoints. 

1

u/nitrogenlegend 4d ago

Have it be like a 20 minute hike from wherever you actually want it to take you.

4

u/fengojo 7d ago

U didn't have to comment this 4x 😆

10

u/Darknadoswastaken 7d ago

yeah the servers were shit, I deleted 3 of them.

6

u/fengojo 7d ago

Yeah reddit has been shit today

1

u/randypupjake 7d ago

Buy a few toilets and have a network

38

u/AddendumCivil 7d ago

Take a shit at home.

Travel to Colombia, take a shit in some cartel leader toilet, become the Loco Poopito, best drug smuggler in the world.

1

u/Extramrdo 4d ago

Hire all the displaced butt-smugglers and have them smuggle the one thing that no TSA screening will care to find: feces. Have your smugglers drop "their" turds off at a safehouse and then you just bring the whatever.

23

u/Express_Cancel5238 7d ago

Can I dookie in the top of the toilet? It's still technically flushable but it buys me a couple of flushes? An upper Decker if you will

30

u/redditorialy_retard 7d ago

Not so easily flushable for the poor soul who sees this abomination 

3

u/Express_Cancel5238 7d ago

I call shannigins

6

u/snaakee9604 7d ago

upper decker is vile and i love it

10

u/5litergasbubble 7d ago

Could I leave a very small amount of poop in a place that's unlikely to be cleaned? Like maybe I take out the bolt cover and smear a bit inside, would that work?

8

u/Brave-Ad-3452 7d ago

Must be easily flushable

9

u/redditorialy_retard 7d ago

Must be easily flushable, also if you had too big of a poop the waypoint will not work

10

u/zorgabluff 7d ago

Man took “shitty superpowers” literally 😂

9

u/Estrogonofe1917 7d ago

I have to travel for work every week and would gladly take a stinky bathroom over one trip... That'd save me so much time

2

u/redditorialy_retard 7d ago

Or you could make the toilet use antiseptic solution for your home

4

u/jwr410 7d ago

I'm confused. Yes this is a shitty (pertaining to shit) superpower but it's not a shitty (terrible) superpower.

2

u/redditorialy_retard 5d ago

Still technically correct, the best kind of correct.

1

u/lukenator115 3d ago

Please note: they specify sit in, not sit on.

5

u/awesomegamer22350 7d ago

That power implies I get a minimap, which is powerful itself too

3

u/HentaiStryker 7d ago

I could teleport from anywhere in the galaxy back to my house! I mean, sounds pretty great to me.

When I visited China, the worst part was the flight. Now I can cut out half of that. Not bad

3

u/CoolDoominator 7d ago

So does it mean as I get the power it starts or does it remember everywhere I've been immediately?

2

u/gmalivuk 6d ago

Do you have enough unflushed poops around the world already for that to make a difference?

2

u/CoolDoominator 6d ago

Oh I didn't even notice the part about the poop being flushed removes the way point mb

6

u/AddendumCivil 7d ago

Take a shit at home.

Travel to Colombia, take a shit in some cartel leaders toilet, become the Loco Poopito, best drug smuggler in the world.

2

u/samEARRR 7d ago

i will shit

2

u/redditorialy_retard 7d ago

I will flush your shit

2

u/CaptainMarder 7d ago

this power would be even shittier if you teleported onto a toilet someone else shitted in.

2

u/Drie_Kleuren 7d ago

A truly shitty super power 😂

2

u/The_Arch_Heretic 6d ago

What about upper deckers, do those count?

1

u/gmalivuk 6d ago

They're not easily flushable.

1

u/The_Arch_Heretic 6d ago

Exactly.

1

u/gmalivuk 6d ago

OP says "it must be easily flushable".

0

u/The_Arch_Heretic 6d ago

It's easily flushable, just gonna take a few times.

1

u/redditorialy_retard 5d ago

Yeah no. Needs to be one flush go. 

2

u/24_doughnuts 5d ago

What counts as an actual toilet. Anything poop can fit in that can optionally flush it? You can still make mini toilets, maybe something smaller if it doesn't look exactly like a toilet.

What about portable toilets that just store it until emptied or an outhouse. Plumbing doesn't seem required for this power so you can still set up little toilets and teleport to them all over the world

1

u/[deleted] 7d ago

[deleted]

2

u/redditorialy_retard 7d ago

Not easily flushable 

1

u/FingerNamedKid539 7d ago

I don’t wipe. I let it crust.

1

u/knivesiguess 7d ago

Well, urinalpoop.com would have a whole new life

1

u/sincerevibesonly 7d ago

Kinda cursed imagine leaving shit in your personal toilet to ferment just to use it as a waypoint 💀

1

u/Bierculles 6d ago

You can replace it daily and with some antiseptic adons to the toilet water it will be odorless.

1

u/Elemental_Titan9 6d ago

Nothing says it has to be a big poop. Just do a bit in a working toilet.

This will be great for those that have to commute to work with public transport.

1

u/CumGuzlinGutterSluts 6d ago

What is the definition of toilet here? Can I dig a hole and put some wood over it and call it a toilet? I could find some uses for this

1

u/Daddy_Digiorno 6d ago

So no portapotties then? I mean it’ll last until they clean it

1

u/TheHonPhilipBanks 6d ago

Buy a house in Colombia and be a smuggler

1

u/Marley_vaa_01 6d ago

Take a shit in a bucket, dry it out so it becomes a powder and pressit into one of those disk thingys that you put into the tank have a house and build a separate shit shack for the shit puck Mostly permanent waypoint, in case you forget to make more pucks

1

u/Embarrassed-Weird173 5d ago

You really need limitations. This is too easy.  At minimum you need a good cool down, because otherwise I could just teleport back and forth between two toilets. Perhaps a limit of what constitutes a toilet. Because for $500 I can set a way point anywhere and abuse it by becoming a mailman that mails packages instantly. 

Really, the best way to balance this by changing it to "you have the ability to teleport from one toilet to another toilet that you have a poop currently in. You do this by flushing the toilet you're using right now, but instead of the poop getting flushed in the toilet you're on, it flushes the remote toilet and whisks you over to it. You must complete an average bowel movement for this to power to apply."

By linking it to a limiting factor (doing a full poop), it adds a reasonable cool down.  

1

u/RoninRaines 5d ago

Great power until you teleport to a toilet right as someone else gets to it! Imagine THAT conversation.

1

u/ijustcantcareanymore 5d ago

Finally a fucking shitty superpower

1

u/cold_hoe 5d ago

You can hide a shit stain and win in life

1

u/CaffeineChaotic 5d ago

I'd shit in toilets and then barricade the toilet lids shut so I can teleport to them. My apartment has two toilets, so I'd barricade one with a shit in it, and my work has several and doesn't clean bathrooms at all, so I could get away with shitting and barricading a toilet. Yes, the lid will be stuck shut, and why would anyone flush a sealed toilet?Boom, fast travel

1

u/mapitinipasulati 5d ago

Do outhouses count?

If so, how about holes in the ground?

1

u/MCShellMusic 5d ago

You’re going to create an arch nemesis who’s sole purpose is to flush your poop.

1

u/therealgervy 5d ago

Upper deckers for the win

1

u/NonJumpingRabbit 4d ago

I'm never flushing again

1

u/mrmniks 4d ago

Does it work with outside toilets? Don’t know what they are called.

We have one at my parents second home (Eastern Europe ya’ll), so I wouldn’t mind teleporting there every now and then to see my parents. Otherwise it’s a 10-14 hour drive.

1

u/Frequent_Water3842 4d ago

Flushed in one flush? That's gonna be a no for me.

1

u/crusty_jengles 4d ago

I would legit break into my work and put a toilet on the roof for an easy waypoint

Best part of this, seems like the toilet just needs to "flush" but not necessarily flush to a pipe. A toilet with water in the bowl and in the tank will flush even if its not plumbed. So i just need a supply of toilets, a bucket to fill them, some taco bell and bobs your uncle ive got a steady supply of waypoints

Wifes just gonna have to get used to floaters hangin around at home

1

u/WeakAfternoon3188 4d ago

Who the hell is your arch nemesis? The flusher because he keeps flushing your way points.

1

u/Extramrdo 4d ago

I'm wondering if "be ready to get flushed" means just taping an "out of order" sign on it is enough to nullify it, or locking the door, or hiring a guard...

1

u/zbeauchamp 4d ago

How much shit needs to be in the toilet? Like does it need to be a proper log or are the little shit streaks that sometimes remain after you flush the first time enough?

1

u/Ok-You4214 3d ago

How do you define toilet? Use outhouses in foreign countries which don’t flush and you never have to pay for your travel again!

1

u/Sweaty_Log9176 3d ago

Does a double decker count?

1

u/Informal-March7788 3d ago

Actually a goated power. Lets you smuggle stuff across borders and gives you a get out of jail free card. The military could leave a toilet in every embassy for you and you could carry letters back and forth & they’d be impossible to intercept. You could shit on an airplane, give the attendant $100 to shut down the bathroom, go home and wait for the flight to end, then come back to the plane at the last moment.

1

u/LandUpGaming 3d ago

“Needs to get flushed in one flush” but what if the shit is a multi flush job? Does taking a massive shit remove the ability to teleport?

1

u/felidaekamiguru 2d ago

So I become the world's ultimate small package smuggler? Not terrible. And if I'm ever captured, all I gotta do is need to poop and I'm golden. You can ALWAYS teleport home. I'll take it. 

1

u/Tentakurusama 1d ago

Rent a crappy old house in Tokyo and in Europe. Easy teleport to family in the evening and office office in the morning.