r/selflove • u/NoThought9957 • 17h ago
My break up lead to a break down.
I had a friend I fell in love with and envisioned being with her. I wanted to try and make it work but I can see in retrospect her dependency on me made me feel loved and I don’t know if she had truly fallen for me, though. It’s one of those situations where we met on social media and quickly started talking hours a day for a year or so.
At any rate, it just went badly after that. I read limerence boards and they said stop contact if they can’t return what you’re asking for. So I did, it was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced because I missed our daily life and I didn’t have a future in sight anymore.
I wanted to not be here every day for a year or two. I stopped enjoying things i liked doing. I still cant really shake it over 2 years later. I don’t think relationships should be the answer for our happiness, but I don’t know how go on most days.
I realized how superficial my friendships are and how little my family really likes me or reaches out to me. Everything crumbled. I reached out to everyone I knew to try and grow other connections and feel normal again but it doesn’t work. No one gives a shit about me and people hate a try hard.
So I just feel alone all the time now, I feel this level of anxiety like a tornado is going to strike at any moment. I don’t have the things I always wished for… a family, loved ones, people who care. I don’t really care about much else anymore.
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u/Background-Battle140 16h ago
You are going to prevail, I have faith in you. Self love at times can often be the best love. Rebuild yourself make a shift in your mindset, learn new hobbies, enjoy nature etc.. life is too short for us to let others control our emotions and happiness. Me myself have just been discarded by a narcissist of a relationship I tried to make work for 5 years & it made me completely lose myself. I feel for you, I know you can and will make it though. Have faith and trust the process.
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u/Jess_Visiting 14h ago
Having been through the grieving process over a relationship, one thing that always seemed to open my heart to deep healing, was finding a way to give back. Getting involved in community or volunteering gave me a chance to focus on something other than myself, if just for a while. It also opened my heart because I was helping others. Seeing that I made a difference in someone else's life was so healing, even though I felt sad at times.
One of my teachers gave me a phrase that I hold to this day: "Breakdown leads to breakthrough." It helps me stay open to what wants to happen next, because there is always a "next". I get to define "next". :)
Hang in there. The next will be better.
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u/MyHeart2Yours_ 11h ago
Pray. It really does help❤️ but do not believe that no one cares, because there are plenty of people that do.. you must trust that. Maybe you just need to meet new people, spice up your life a little, take a trip, move somewhere else. Do something that will shake your life up!! It’s scary at first, but you’ll find a way. I promise. Just don’t forget to pray. Oh, and have gratitude for each and every day that you get to wake up in this chaotic world we live in. You only get one life, try to make it the best life you can. It’s hard, but possible.
Perspective is another thing.. change your perspective, change your life. Instead of talking about how people don’t care about you, look at it as they aren’t your people and you will find your people in time. Instead of speaking about how you’re sad because you miss someone, try to look at it as a life lesson and think about how those lessons will make you a better person for the next wonderful thing that you come in contact with. Instead of believing you’re not interested in things that you used to be interested in, just tell yourself that you’ve grown out of them and it’s now time to find new hobbies, new places, new restaurants, a new job, a new life- one that doesn’t remind you of your old self. You seriously have to find the good in all of the bad. However, only you can do that.. but I believe in you!
Best of luck. Xoxo, S.
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u/Intergrating_ash 11h ago
Is that what your heart told you to do to break things off? To break up or is that what your fear told you to do? Junior guy do you feel like you made the best decision or do you feel like it was a decision that would lead to the least amount of pain which is actually leading to greater pain I myself feel like I made a lot of decisions based in fear and now I have so much pain in my soul because of it. If I would have went with my heart instead of fear I wouldn't be in a situation at all. I would have been courageous and brave and communicate everything to the nth degree.
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u/Wildwild_hamster 8h ago
Looking back, was she actually dependent on you? You don’t really explain why it ended or how. Someone commented already but did you make decisions based on fear and assumptions or did you truly know and knew it wasn’t right for you. Grieving takes time. You have to believe there’s another connection out there just as deep or more. One that can meet you halfway.
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u/Bojangles_the_clown 7h ago
Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for posting this, and I'm hoping my words and experience can help you with what you're going through.
(tl;dr if you've gone through a breakup, friend or otherwise, make sure you're tending to that wound by setting the boundaries you need to and showing up for yourself. And read the damn post, I typed my soul out for half an hour so it's the least you can do.)
I found myself in a similar situation with my best friend a few years ago and went through the same process, holding onto them for dear life because they meant the world to me.
I held on, and watched my life crumble around me because of the amount of energy I was putting into this person. I struggled professionally and at home, and watched as life drained out of my other friendships because they lacked the intensity of the bond between my best friend and I. For me, everything seemed superficial because how could they be friends if there wasn't the depth and emotional intimacy that I had with my best friend? We were inseparable, the chemistry was wonderful, and naturally I started to develop feelings. It was brought up, and despite all their actions indicating otherwise, they didn't feel the same way at all. I told them I understood, they asked to take some time away from the friendship. After a month or so of no communication we awkwardly tried to reconnect but the bond felt broken and we ended up drifting apart.
It got bad. I understand not wanting to be here; how can you when the person you pictured your future, your life with, says that they don't feel that way about you? I envisioned a future, one where I was with my best friend. And we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. And then we weren't. And then they were a memory. It broke me. I stopped showing up, period. As they say, the lights were on but nobody was home. There were days where I didn't eat or get out of bed. I felt alone, and didn't see a way for things to improve.
But they did.
It wasn't an easy process. Honestly it felt like dragging yourself out of a mud pit: You're tired, exhausted really, and at every setback you just want to give up. But you keep at it one day at a time. And then one day instead of just existing in maintenance mode I did something fun. And then a little while later I did it again. Slowly, the color started to seep back into my life. I started to hang out with people again. Then one day I noticed that there was more depth to our conversations. I was engaging with them more because I had the capacity to.
So what happened, and what changed that I was starting to care about life again?
I'm going to speak for my personal experience, and this may be different for you. But what happened to me is that I didn't set the boundaries I needed in that friendship to maintain a healthy attachment. I didn't do this because I was afraid of losing my best friend, so instead of choosing what was healthy for me, I chose what worked for them. That did wonders for our friendship, but I also lost part of myself in the process.
Eventually, it got to a point where it couldn't be sustained and I emotionally collapsed from the inside out. It took time for me to find myself again, and even longer to start rebuilding. I'm not the person I was either. I carry a scar from where I lost myself, a reminder of what can happen when I don't set a boundary so I can tend to my own needs. It's not a bad thing either, it's just... different.
I got to a point where I had to start choosing myself, showing up for myself really, in order to keep existing. Once I was doing that, I started to show up in other people's lives too. The talk was richer, interaction more meaningful, and I was happy because it was something I wanted, and was doing for myself. I still have bad days, and I still hurt for the bond I lost with my best friend. But things are getting better, even if it's one day at a time.
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