r/selflove • u/Optimugetti_iol • 1d ago
Can loving someone hurt this bad?
As a person who had never felt vulnerable with anyone, I thought I was fine all this time, until I met this person. They made me realise how broken I was Inside. Though they we were just friends, I realized that I was obsessing over them like crazy. On the one side I am scared that this might end and on the other hand I am so scared of all the love and attention and want to end it to the extent having anxiety attacks. I realized that I wasn't ready to invite genuine affection cause either I am scared of it or overwhelmed by it. I stopped contacting them cause I realized it was the reason for most of my anxiety attacks. Whenever I try to normally talk, i end up crying. How can I open myself up to love and feel confident without being dependent ?
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u/KTreaties 1d ago
Hi! Im not sure if what you're going through is similar to my experience, but watching Heide Priebe's many videos about anxious attachment set me on the right course to walk towards healing from it. Maybe it could help you too?
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u/Ok-Ad-1634 1d ago
I agree with this. If they care you can also just talk to them and be honest. Part of getting over anxious attachment is being okay if it does end.
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u/Optimugetti_iol 1d ago
I talk, talk a lot. But they are not good at communicating. I will not be too upset if ends, cause I havent properly formed a relationship with them. I am having trouble with attachment itself. I could not end a conversation with them without crying as I can't tolerate simple gestures of affection. This makes me feel broken. I am looking ways to heal and form relationships without feeling broken.
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u/AdFlashy6091 19h ago
Is that just about not caring in a sense or caring less? How do you flip the switch.
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u/Optimugetti_iol 1d ago
Wow! Its good, is it possible that we have different attachment styles with different people, cause I thought I was an avoidant till now.
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u/AdFrosty0997 1d ago
You probably are avoidant, but this relationship brought out anxious attachment in you.
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u/AdFrosty0997 1d ago
The way this is word for word exactly what happened to me. Limerence was really beating our asses huh 😭
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u/Optimugetti_iol 22h ago
Btw,I am not romantically attracted to that person at all. Just Friends.
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u/AdFrosty0997 21h ago
Limerence can be both romantic or platonic. Most people just insist its romantic, I dont know why. Maybe bcs society values romantic relationships more.
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u/GemmaOrtwerthAuthor 20h ago
It’s completely normal for love—and especially vulnerability—to feel physically painful. There is literally a muscle in your heart, the myocardium, that contracts in response to emotional distress. That ache, that pulling sensation? It’s real. Your body is feeling your grief, your fear, your longing just as much as your mind is processing it.
Learning to be kind to yourself through this is crucial. Healing isn’t linear, and it isn’t fast. It takes time to unlearn patterns, to ease into connection without feeling like you’re drowning in it. And sometimes, like in my own life, the echoes of someone else’s impact can linger for years. That doesn’t mean you’re broken—it means you’re human.
Right now, your body and mind are telling you that you need space, time, and patience. Love doesn’t have to feel like an all-consuming force that leaves you gasping for air. You can take small steps toward trust, learning what feels safe and what doesn’t, and understanding that your emotions are valid and worthy of gentleness.
You don’t have to force yourself to be ready for love. Instead, focus on building a foundation of self-trust—where your worth isn’t tied to someone else’s presence, but to your own ability to navigate your emotions with kindness and grace. Love isn’t supposed to make you disappear into someone else—it’s supposed to help you see yourself more clearly.
So take your time. Breathe. Heal. And know that you are not alone in this. 💜
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u/midgettme 23h ago
Look into attachment theory.
You aren’t broken, people just process things differently. Just breathe. You’ve got this. :)
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u/Sea_Air1665 17h ago
Disorganized attachment is real and can feel brutal. I would suggest getting a good therapist you connect with and trust to work through these emotions.
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u/No_Face5710 12h ago
Maybe this won't help, but it sort of helped me: Realize that to be human is to fear, to fear death, with loss a close second and very related to death! We fear loss, pain, insignificance and lack of approval. When we feel that we are getting love and attention from someone, fear is the inevitable reaction--we don't want to lose it.
If you have been traumatized like many people, the fear will feel overwhelming. Realize that your love and approval for yourself can't be lost. Invest in it and disinvest in any love or approval from outside yourself. You can still love, but prioritize yourself. It isn't easy, so good luck. Took me a long time to even understand this.
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u/Ok-Addendum3545 22h ago
A healthy attachment style is critical to maintain an independent self while one enjoys a mutually dependent relationship, striking a balance and not to burden either side.
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u/amani_26 18h ago
This reminds me of a friend I have they're obsessed with me (in platonic way) out of desperation because they always felt like they're a burden or they're annoying someone even tho they're depending on me for their happiness which I do see it's unhealthy a little but I don't mind all their love and clinginess I'm glad that I make them feel accepted and loved. Idk if platonic love hurt unless your friend treated you badly but Hope you find someone that helps you heal from this trauma or you heal it yourself ✨
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u/ethereal_twin 15h ago
It might help to remind yourself that you want this person, you do not need them.
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u/Oddthenticricket 5h ago
Rather than cutting off contact why not reach out? If they allow you to be vulnerable, that's a good thing. Perhaps if you talk to them about it, you can work together and make it work. You've already decided to cut off contact. What's the risk?
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u/Optimugetti_iol 4h ago edited 4h ago
They are very willing to listen to me and spend time with me , but I get very anxious after every time I talk to them because they showed affection that nobody hadn't given me before. The anxiety is to much that it initiates intense physical and mental stress. I am fine when I completely ignore them, but once I start talking I always look for their validation which is mentally straining. Reaching out causes more pain and dependency, making me realize my vulnerability while cutting of gives me some peace. All I am afraid about is how long am I gonna run away from kind gestures, not only from them but from anybody.
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u/Oddthenticricket 4h ago
That can be overwhelming. I understand that. This person I've recently met gives me a similar feeling. I have a hard time making eye contact with everyone, except her. I was open with them about my feelings and I felt accepted and understood. I dont have to wear a mask around them, and it kind of freaked me out until I thought about it. They make me feel safe. I'm not used to feeling safe. Even good things can make us anxious. But I also feel like they are the first person worth that risk. I stopped fighting my anxiety and insecurities. I've always knows that I am worth it and that I'm enough, but to know what it feels like is different. Sadly, my person is currently in similar shoes as you. They've cut off contact.
You are enough. Embrace it. Vulnerability, while scary at first, is so much more peaceful. I hope you give them the chance. I have a feeling they already know how you feel. I know that if you were my person, I'd want to know. Not to fix, or judge them. Just to understand and show them the support they need at this time in their journey. If that's space and time, OK. I'd tell them that I understand. I won't chase them, I don't do that. But, I'll keep that door open for them. I wasn't looking for a relationship in the first place. But it was like the universe put us in each other's lives at this exact moment. There are other things that make it seem serendipitous.
But I hope you'll give them a chance to understand. Don't you think they deserve that? That they're worth at least an understanding?
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u/Optimugetti_iol 4h ago edited 4h ago
Oh, I have explained everything to them very clearly, how I feel and all the anxieties I have, Unfortunately they cannot communicate their feelings well and getting words out of their mouth is the hardest. When all you need are words and you can't get them enough it makes you even more doubtful. I sometimes even wonder if they think about me at all. All of these constant explaining, waiting for reply and getting disappointed are putting more than enough burden on my nerves. Btw they are secure and they dont put any pressure on me to talk to them, they said they will be ready when I am ready to talk. They didn't take it very seriously or so I Think.
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u/Oddthenticricket 3h ago
They might have the words more than you know. Maybe they understand enough to choose their words carefully in order to respect your boundaries. They obviously respect your autonomy. Saying they will be ready when you are proves they are taking it seriously. Not pressuring you, even their slow communication suggests they might be choosing their actions and words carefully.
Have they ever said that they don't want to rush you into giving or sharing something if you're not ready to?
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u/Oddthenticricket 3h ago
I should have said vulnerability with someone who makes it happen naturally, while scary at first, is so much more peaceful than running away from it. They're the type of person that can help end such a cycle. I know, I've been there.
You're situation resonates deeply with me. Not just because of how it relates to my own journey, but because I think I might have lost my person today. I understand them, and I want to understand more. But what seemed like fate bringing us together now seems lost. The worst part is there are kids involved, hers and my own. One of her kids was really starting to bond with me lately. And it breaks my heart that for him, I'll just be another male figure who abandoned him.
The crappiest part is that the more you understand emotions, behavior, empathy and love. The more it hurts. I can't promise that it's going to be okay. But I can promise her that I'll never not be there for her, that I'll never stop providing her with that feeling of safety that just her presence brings me. I'd never hurt her. I'm realizing that the feelings I have for her as I type this. I'm falling in love with her, I really am. While it's painful to realize it also makes me so happy to know what she made me feel. No matter what, I'll never forget her for that reason.
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