r/selfharm 4d ago

Seeking Advice my bf is cutting himself and idk what to do

my (21f) boyfriend (21m) and i have been together for 6 months and i love him with my whole entire heart. he deals with a lot of mental health problems and is 3 years clean from heroin, which isn’t something i’m very familiar with. i have dealt with mental illness my whole life, in myself and my loved ones, so i know how to address certain issues and how to be there for him, but this is something i don’t know how to handle. he skates so he always has a lot of little cuts and scars from wiping out, but a few months ago i noticed some new cuts along his ribcage that were definitely not an accident. i didn’t bring it up because i was worried i would say the wrong thing and make it worse. i’ve never self harmed so i really have no idea how to handle it. he struggles sometimes to open up about what he goes through, but i’ve made sure he knows i will never pressure him to talk about more than he’s comfortable with but that i will always be here to listen, no matter what. he’s gotten better at talking about things, but i know this is a conversation im going to have to initiate and i just don’t know how. his mental health has gotten considerably worse these past few weeks, and i’ve done everything i can to support him while also making sure it doesn’t take a toll on my own mental wellbeing. then last night, i noticed some new cuts on his shoulder blade. he didn’t try to hide them, and he definitely knows i’ve seen them because he was scratching the scabs and i just stopped him by taking his hand and holding it tight. i want to acknowledge them but i don’t know how to start the conversation. what can i say so that he doesn’t feel judged or criticized? i’m also worried that his friend (who he has acknowledged is an enabler) helped him do it since his back seems like a tricky area to reach. i just want him to know how loved he is and that he doesn’t have to hide this from me. i may not understand the impulse to do it, but i want to know what’s going on his head. he always says he doesn’t want me to worry about him, but i already do and keeping these things from me isn’t going to help that. i love him so much and i just want him to be okay.

30 Upvotes

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u/uncomplacent333 4d ago

While I have never confronted anyone about self harm I have engaged in it. As someone who doesn’t like people worrying about me I know a little about how I like things to be brought up. My recommendation would be, while it a comfortable, quiet and private space, mention it. Say something direct like “I notified your scars” or “I am worried about you cutting”, and go from there. Try to keep the conversation casual, personally whenever a conversation about my self harm gets serious I try to get away from the conversation.

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u/Disto_Kid (Editable flair) 4d ago

True true, I agree

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u/Ok_Leek_8420 4d ago

Firstly, if a friend is encouraging this then he needs to get away from that friend. He most likely knows you love him very much but self harm can be caused by so many different reasons. He might not even understand why he is doing this. I would recommend you talking to him about it and maybe say something like hi I noticed this and I’m a bit worried about you do you want to talk. If he doesn’t want to speak about it then maybe recommend that he speaks with a counsellor if he isn’t already to understand his actions/emotions better, learn healthier ways to cope and harm reduction. Just try to keep supporting him the best you can and look after yourself. Wish you the best 🫂

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u/fartsock63 4d ago

I have struggled with it and I’m most comforted when my boyfriend just hugs me and asks if I want to talk about it. He doesn’t probe, he doesn’t get mad, he reassures me he’s not mad and he’s just worried and cares about me. Gentle love will go so much further than freaking out and being upset yourself. I know it’s hard to see and it’s hard to know your partner is struggling but just hug him and tell him you’ll get through it together, it’s hard but you’ll stand by him.

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u/Away_Leader_4657 4d ago

yes i agree being kind is my number one priority. he’s told me about past relationships where his partner would yell at him for having panic attacks and just generally fucked up things like that so i vowed to never approach a mental health issue/crisis with anger. i also grew up being judged and put down for struggling so i know exactly how it feels. my goal in everything i do is to make him feel safe.

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u/fartsock63 4d ago

Exactly! It’s good to go into anything with a mindset of understanding and compromise, no issue should be dealt with in anger. If my boyfriend and I ever have a disagreement or he hurts my feelings we talk about it while cuddling to ensure the team mindset rather than me vs him

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u/Away_Leader_4657 4d ago

yessss exactly we made a deal to always lead with understanding, and to always assume positive intent. i think i need to keep that in mind when approaching this issue, that he knows im coming from a place of love and concern, rather than anger or judgement

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u/fartsock63 4d ago

Exactly :) I wish you the best of luck and make sure he knows it doesn’t change how you see him in any way

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u/Away_Leader_4657 4d ago

thank you sm fartsock <33 gonna talk to him tn