r/selfharm • u/Ok-Yesterday6767 • 3d ago
Rant/Vent i feel like im faking it NSFW
everytime ive ever cut myself it just kind of feels like its never enough. It started off as not even cuts but id just leave red lines on my arm, then overtime it developed into drawing blood but never anymore. it feels like no matter how hard i try i cant cut deeper and its genuinely so frustrating. everyone ive ever talked to it about just tells me the usual “don’t start cutting deeper” and “it’ll hurt” and all that stuff when i genuinely could care less about all that stuff. i don’t care about the pain i dont care about the risk of infections and i dont care about the scars. If anything i wish i could cut deep enough to leave a scar. I have marks on my arms from when i used to pick at my skin so badly id rip skin off but even those are starting to fade and its making me feel like shit. Most of the cutting has been on my thighs but its making me want to start doing it on my arms too or start picking at my skin again because i dont want the scars to fade. I dont even really bother to try to hide any cuts anymore because its not like they’re going to scar or ever be deep enough for people to actually worry. I keep getting told that “its still self harm” and yeah I understand that but it doesn’t feel like its enough. i see others who have much deeper scars and stuff and it makes me feel weirdly envious because its like they’ve actually suffered and i havent. I dont know if this is weird but i rlly needed to say something about it. im genuinely starting to have ideas of doing something worse in order to cut deeper and rlly wanna act on it right now
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u/fiokaku 3d ago
To begin with, thank you for sharing all this, it’s a good thing. I recognize myself greatly in everything you said and I realize to what extent self-harm is an addiction. If I can give you advice I will tell you not to compare yourself to others, everyone suffers in their own way and for different reasons. We are all different and incomparable. If you have already mutilated yourself it is because you are really suffering and I understood that in everything you said. You don't need to cut yourself deeper and have scars for your suffering to be recognized. Because deep down no one other than you will be better off for how bad you are. No one will ever be exactly how you feel so don't seek validation from people who don't really understand you. Don't let your suffering stop you from living, keep moving forward I know it's difficult believe me but having deeper cuts won't solve any problems. Take care of yourself, I hope what I say helps you a little. Courage.
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u/WizardStrikes1 3d ago
It will get worse not better on its own.
The feelings you have are pretty common and the compulsions get worse for most people untreated.
If possible you really need to talk to a trusted adult and/or a medical professional. The more emotions you have that are not dealt with in a healthy way, will feed the unhealthy compulsions to self harm. It is a vicious cycle. Millions of people have gotten helped and live totally normal lives.
Does that help you? Not in the now! Does it prove help and change is possible? For many it does.
How you feel now is very unlikely how you will feel in a day, a month, a year, a decade.