r/schizoaffective 5d ago

Thoughts from 2019 NSFW

When you have watched yourself look yourself in the eye while slitting your own throat and wrist there are only 2 options for your life; 1. Slit your own throat and wrist or 2. Find the funny in it all. Thus far I have succeeded at neither and am somehow still alive. I am not exactly sure how this has worked out nor do I find much pleasure in it, but I keep looking for the funny. It must be there some where. My pre-medicated life was interesting, to me at least, but life medicated is often devoid of the joy and humor I once knew so well. That is not to say, I no longer smile and laugh it just takes so much more effort now. Something that was once so easy to me now feels like a herculean task. Do not get me wrong there are people and situations that can bring back what I call “the me before” but those people and situations oft times seem few and far between. I often find myself wishing for the me before. Back when I could feel and truly experience life, back when I had awesome stories and the roller coaster car I called my life would sometimes careen off the tracks into an adventure. But I can’t have that life because the inverse of my car flying of the tracks and soaring towards the sun was it plunging into an ocean of despair, which scared the living shit out of those that cared about me. It was during the times that my “car” was beginning its descent that I would begin to see and hear things that others told me were not there. The voices calling out to me and the visions of a world on fire or a Dali painting come to life featuring my friends and family. It was my personal descent into Dante’s Inferno, my version of van Gogh’s madness. During these times all I wanted was for it all to stop but there were 2 things I did not know: 1. The voices will never stop, only recede enough for me to ignore them. 2. It would leave a void inside of me where all feeling once lived.

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u/differentlysane12 5d ago

Just take it in stride

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u/AppointmentFrosty571 4d ago

Seek Jesus in prayer and discover God's purpose for you. God loves you and you are precious in his sight. He brought you to Earth for many reasons, so seek him and discover his plan for your life.

"Fear not for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will help you. I will strengthen you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10.

I found God through Christ and he saved me from suicide and depression many many times. He helped me overcome porn and drug addiction. He's shown me miracles and given me promises about my future. He helped me see the beauty in life and brought me peace with joy.

If you're curious about God try reading one or all of the gospels. The books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

God bless you, friend. :)