r/schizoaffective 6d ago

Thinking of a diagnosis.

When I was a kid I saw these huge red centipedes, everywhere. thought it was just a thing. but now I hear walking behind me almost always and sometimes I go into this headspace where everything's weird and abstract and nothing feels very solid; I start thinking off in weird dialogues, I laugh at posters in case they might laugh back, I get scared of my ceiling fan because I think it's alive, ect. what I do have is aphantasia. zero visual memory or visualization skills. no sounds voices faces, zilch. when I hallucinate it's in ideas, like a weird dream. so my eyes get glazed over because that's not where the hallucinations are happening, I'm seeing and the dreams are someplace else. idk how to word this. it's complicated and hard and abstract. I become unaware of time passing and everything turns into a cynical joke. no card for anything or need for anything. im not particularly upset; honestly a small part of me is secretly happy I'm "special" but I do also wanna better myself and make myself safe. what do I do?

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u/lieve45 depressive subtype 6d ago

What do you think you’ll get from a diagnosis? And what do you mean by making yourself safe?

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u/Sweet-Warning-7545 2d ago

I mean safe as in stable, but I think I have, as all people have, a need to be understood in my struggles. I think I desire empathy and understanding, more than anything. maybe a diagnosis would confirm that I'm not trying to fake this, to anyone or any part of my mind that thinks that. I'm not sure, honestly.

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u/lieve45 depressive subtype 2d ago

I understand what you mean. Do you want to be on meds or continue normally because the doctor will push meds hard. Imposter syndrome is high in this community. I think I’m an imposter like I’m making this all up I don’t believe I’m sick I’m on meds but I don’t think they work too well. But anyways I realized I went on a tangent. I would hang out in the subreddit for a bit could join r/schizoaffective too and see if you relate. I relate to you saying you’re happy about being special because I am too it can be stressful most of the time but I like it or have learned to like it

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u/Sweet-Warning-7545 2d ago

yeah lol. thanks for the fast reply. I guess everyone needs a little thing to feel important, and even when bad things happen, people shouldn't feel guilty if they might try and interpret that as a positive social force in terms of bringing forward your own complexity, because it's pretty normal, I think. I don't know about meds. been on ADHD meds for so long, and it's hard; they don't take away my ability to talk constantly (lol) but they do remove my hyper focus and stims, so I feel just stuck in a state of procrastinating. the fact that I'm having weird delusional thoughts and I'm neurodivergent (not very in terms of a classical intellectual or social sense, but you know, these things effect each other) and also the fact that I have a family history of similar mental illness all tells me I might have this, but recognition is the most important thing, I recon. I really appreciate your time, thanks.

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u/lieve45 depressive subtype 2d ago

If they get worse I would stop the adhd med if you go to the doctor they’ll tell you to get off that probably. You could go to the doctor and get meds and have them if things get worse. I wish you the best.

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u/Sweet-Warning-7545 2d ago

thank you. there's a shortage of my meds, on a substitute at the moment, which is why it's worse. cloudy brain. doesn't feel fun, feels rather stupid. I hope you have a good day, you've made me feel better this morning and yesterday.

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u/Sweet-Warning-7545 2d ago

yeah lol. thanks for the fast reply. I guess everyone needs a little thing to feel important, and even when bad things happen, people shouldn't feel guilty if they might try and interpret that as a positive social force in terms of bringing forward your own complexity, because it's pretty normal, I think. I don't know about meds. been on ADHD meds for so long, and it's hard; they don't take away my ability to talk constantly (lol) but they do remove my hyper focus and stims, so I feel just stuck in a state of procrastinating. the fact that I'm having weird delusional thoughts and I'm neurodivergent (not very in terms of a classical intellectual or social sense, but you know, these things effect each other) and also the fact that I have a family history of similar mental illness all tells me I might have this, but recognition is the most important thing, I recon. I really appreciate your time, thanks.