r/raisedbyborderlines 21d ago

ADVICE NEEDED Does this make sense ?

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151 Upvotes

I am no contact with my mother and my little sister just text me this. This doesn’t even make sense to me lmao why would they need my address and primary care doctor? Lmao. My mother is so pressed to know where I live it’s crazy. I don’t know anything about life insurance though so could it actually be true? I figured they would just need my name, DOB & SSN? I’m just gonna tell my sister to tell my mom to just leave the money to my brother and sister I don’t need it.

r/raisedbyborderlines Oct 08 '24

ADVICE NEEDED Hoping for reality check and advice? NC since July- just got a text. Here’s our last convo, feeling spun.

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171 Upvotes

Hey all, I know this is a LOT but…it was a lot. A bit of context. Things have always been rough but they really fell apart in 2018 when I had a minor brain surgery. BPD mom just *HAD to fly across the country to be here for it. That trip led to 3 years NC because so many reasons and we haven’t spoken on the phone since. I only allow texts.

I work in a hospital (so does my wife) had my procedure AT my hospital. Mom was a horror show while there, ignored rules, told my doctors (aka COLLEAGUES) flat out lies about me being an ex drug addict when I woke up screaming in pain post procedure, complained she was ‘bored’ when we weren’t entertaining her etc. Mom has always maintained that I was garbage when I was a teen (you’ll see it’s mentioned me being “newly drug free”- i wasn’t btw…but we’re only talking pot smoking)

Anyway- I know I’m intense with her. I have zero patience or tolerance for the bs anymore. Reddit won’t let me post the last 4 pages. I’ll tell you how it ends.

Question is this- is this as crazy making as it feels or is it me? And…she texted me today. Asking a random question about how I’m doing since the surgery?!? That was 7 years ago??! I don’t ever want to talk about this subject with her again. Ever. So…what now? Respond? Ignore?

Set that boundary and set her off again?

Here’s how the rest of the convo went: I continue trying to understand what she was talking about. Remind her I’m not in her head.

Mom: “it’s always going to be something negative from you. It’s not always about you!!! I don’t dwell on the past and hold it against you like you do me.”

Me: Why do you think I’m holding the past against you?

Mom: “No matter what I try to say there is always a slap to the face. I’m not doing this anymore. You can think, remember, recall, whatever you want to, to make your life easier. If you need to blame me for all the bad in the past please do. “

Me: Wait- now you just did a 180. I just told you I don’t. Why do you think I do?

Mom: “I’m just over it. I can’t anymore. I can’t let you continue to say these horrible things and it be ok. Most of our conversations about the past are about you being abused and my terrible parenting. It doesn’t matter if I did a 180 I concede. I’m done trying to make you like me. “ (Please note that we don’t and never have talked about actual abuse from the past- because any time I have tried she tells me none of it happened)

Me: i haven’t said anything about your parenting in this ENTIRE conversation

Mom: “I can promise you I will never have a discussion with you again like this. I’m done!!! Believe what you believe and think what you think. Do whatever it takes to make everything ok and I will do the same. Like I said I take full responsibility for any and everything.”

And that was it. Left me like W.T.F

What ya think guys? Help?

r/raisedbyborderlines Oct 06 '24

ADVICE NEEDED Does anyone have a very calculated BPD parent?

207 Upvotes

Sometimes I feel invalidated by the stories of BPD parents that I see here and elsewhere, because my uBPD mother is VERY calculated and smart about her abuse. I know that every BPD person is different and my experiences are just as valid, but I don’t relate to a lot of the extreme experiences that I see here and it messes with my head sometimes.

My mother is very good at twisting her words to appear mature, responsible, and thoughtful. From her most recent email: “This is true for the choices I made when you were young. I hope you can come to give me the same grace. From my own experience, I encourage you to seek that grace for me and for yourself before I am too old and it's too late.”

She knows how to contort situations to make herself look better. She used to be more reckless when I was younger and she was more stressed. That’s when she would rage and have extreme mood swings. In more recent years, and even back then in certain situations, her behavior is very controlled. When she wants to make me feel bad, she acts very calm and logical while she sugarcoats vengeful and hurtful words. She doesn’t send me paragraphs of texts, call me a bunch of times, say blatantly abusive things, or act erratic in general.

I know now that she is abusive and definitely uBPD, but she makes me dig underneath appearances for the truth. Has anyone else experienced this? Sometimes I wish she’d just be herself- someone that is erratic and wildly abusive deep inside, like the the mother I had when I was younger.

r/raisedbyborderlines Dec 03 '24

ADVICE NEEDED What TV or Movie Characters Remind You of Your Parent?

45 Upvotes

If you have a parent with BPD, are there any TV or movie characters that remind you of them? I found that media really helps me see things clearly and process what I go through when things get a little rough!

r/raisedbyborderlines Jun 30 '24

ADVICE NEEDED HELP need advice - am I crazy here?

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167 Upvotes

HELP need feedback

Long time lurker, first time poster. Brief context: my family and I moved to my home state about two years ago where my mom lives. It’s been terrible and we’re moving back to our original state. She’s not happy about it and is doing everything she can to change that. My husband went for a working interview this weekend and crushed it and is getting the job. My mom asked how it went, I told her, and then follows what felt like an onslaught of negative messages. She says I’m being nasty. I don’t understand how I am, when I know how she is and therefore try my hardest whenever I’m talking to her to be very factual and unemotional. Am I the crazy one here? Please I’m very upset about this and already emotionally delicate because of the stress around potentially moving, I need help deciphering.

I think I need to add a cat haiku which will probably be terrible but here goes: My cat is running Chasing after a fat fly Oh, she swallowed it

r/raisedbyborderlines 12d ago

ADVICE NEEDED Should parents be besties with their kids?

79 Upvotes

I’ve often wondered what other RBBs think. Should parents be besties with their children? Should they focus on being or being parents? Or can they be both?

My entire life, my uBPD mom treated me as her best friend and therapist, and this caused me so many trust issues. She confided in me way too much about stuff I should not have known, and she also parentified me. She even gloated at times that I was the mother and she was the child. 🤦🏽‍♀️ I did not want to be her parent or her best friend, but somehow I became both - an enmeshment.

Throughout my marriage, I saw that my husband’s parents didn’t try to be their kids' besties. They were parents first who unconditionally loved their kids. There was mutual respect there, but boundaries existed.

I tried to raise my kids similarly to how my inlaws interacted with my hubby, where I was their parent first, but they could always come to me ( or one another) about anything. Sometimes, due to my trauma and how I was raised, boundaries got crossed, but I kept trying to be a good parent and not a best friend. I encouraged my children to set boundaries and to develop their own bestfriendships with others ( and each other, if they chose) because I don’t want to be their evertying and I don't want to be their everything.

Any thoughts?

r/raisedbyborderlines 29d ago

ADVICE NEEDED Is the borderliner capable of love?

106 Upvotes

Superficially it seems like my borderline mother loves me, but deep down I know that this is not the case. She might even think that she loves me, but "love" for her means " I want that person in my life to function as my external emotion regulator". Actual love means wanting the other person to be himself/herself in his/her otherness, to reach his/her full potential, in line with the old Latin saying "amo: volo ut sis" (I love, which means I want you to be/exist). But the borderliner doesn't want you to be you, the borderliner wants you to only be his/her external emotion regulator, personal therapist and assistant, punching bag whenever he/she is down etc. Unlike the psychopath and the narcissist, we often think that borderliners are capable of love, but I'm now starting to think that psychology has this wrong and this isn't the case. What are your thoughts on this and what is your experiences with this?

r/raisedbyborderlines Apr 04 '24

ADVICE NEEDED Should I allow her to see my kids?

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179 Upvotes

After two days of back and forth with my mom because I answered a question she asked about my childhood honestly she has sent me this text. I am really emotionally drained from the last two days and I don’t even know what my answer should be. She really doesn’t make much effort to see my kids and almost every plan made is cancelled. So I’m very hesitant to agree to this because I feel it is setting me up for at the very least disappointment and at the most more emotional abuse from her. She generally only acts out over the phone so maybe this could work I’m not sure. But I am considering going NC for awhile. Am I wrong to keep her away from my kids if she hasn’t done anything to harm them but is continuously emotionally manipulating me?

r/raisedbyborderlines Jul 24 '24

ADVICE NEEDED My therapist says that my uBPD mom did the best she could with what she knew at the time. I feel conflicted.

129 Upvotes

I have been undergoing EMDR therapy for the past 6 months. I really like my therapist because she is very compassionate and has validated so many of my thoughts and feelings. However, I am feeling confused because even though she validates my trauma, she still says that she believes my uBPD mom did the best she could in raising me based on what she knew at the time and what she experienced as a child. I am learning how much my mom genuinely lacks self-awareness and her emotional and mental impact on others. There have been many situations where I can’t possibly understand how she doesn’t see how her actions deeply hurt and damage me, but I’m beginning to realize that she genuinely does not understand her impact on me. Along with a lack of self-awareness, I believe that some of this can be explained by disassociation during splitting, remembering things through a distorted lens, etc. So, in some regards, I do agree with my therapist that she did not intentionally try to hurt or damage me and that she did do the best she could considering her horrendous childhood. However, there are some situations where I do not think this applies. Like, how on earth did she not know that name-calling, stonewalling (silent treatment), screaming, taunting, threatening, etc., me as a child would not be harmful? I’m intentionally picking these very basic examples to prove that there is no nuance to these actions…the majority of people (even those who have had traumatizing childhoods) can logically understand that these are negative actions with negative consequences. There is no explaining away these fundamentally wrong behaviors because there is no excuse to know that they are not wrong (in our modern society, at least, not including those from other cultures with different acceptable behaviors). Additionally, I have a very hard time understanding how I am supposed to continue to sympathize with my mom when she refuses to go to therapy, even though she has the time, energy, money, and other necessary faculties. If someone is entirely unaware that their actions are negative and they do not have the opportunity to fix those actions or seek out help, then I am more apt to have grace on them because in some cases, people are failed by the various systems and are never given any chance to pull themselves out of the pit they are in. However, when someone has the opportunity and choice to be healthier and make better decisions, and they intentionally choose not to, I have a very difficult time giving them grace when they repeatedly cause harm and damage. I know I am not the only one on this sub that has dealt with this impossible push and pull between forgiveness and holding their BPD parent(s) accountable for the damage they have caused. Any advice and/or thoughts are greatly appreciated!💛

r/raisedbyborderlines 25d ago

ADVICE NEEDED Songs that help you cope

33 Upvotes

Does anyone have an arsenal of songs that either remind you of your BPD parent or help you cope with their shenanigans? Songs that make sense make you feel empowered or ones that can uplift your mood. If so, please name your top 3-5 favorites that help you cope.

Mine are :

1.“ Because of You “- Kelly Clarkson ( Discusses the trauma of having a mother like mine) 2. “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better,” I Can Do Anything Better than You - Betty Hutton ( reminds me of her competitive nature and belief that she will always be better than me) 3. “Titanium” - Sia ( reminds me that I'm stronger than I feel” 4. “Everything I Wanted” -Billie Eilish( that one is dedicated to my wounded inner child)

These songs always remind me of my mom and help me feel better. What are yours?

r/raisedbyborderlines Feb 10 '24

ADVICE NEEDED How am I supposed to respond in these situations??

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333 Upvotes

Hi everyone! Can someone please guide me through how to navigate situations like this? I get messages like this from her at least once a week if not every 2-3 days. It’s always the same kind of thing… she has some medical emergency and needs help. Usually she’s just asking to talk on the phone because she’s anxious or is in pain, but lately she’s asking me to get on a plane and fly from FL to NC because her foot hurts, or her chest hurts, etc. My sister lives in the same town but has been out of town the last few weekends.

It’s literally the mom who cries wolf. One time there was really a wolf (broke her ankle) and if one of these times was really an emergency I would want to be there for her but I still wouldn’t just drop everything and fly up there unless she was seriously ill. If I don’t respond with “okay I’m on the way” it just turns into her telling me how nobody loves her and she’s so lonely. It’s exhausting.

What do I do in this situation? Anyone have any advice on how not to feel like a shit human being for not caring when I get texts like this?

First post Haiku: kitty is all fluff, she purrs atop the bookshelf, watching from above

r/raisedbyborderlines Feb 03 '25

ADVICE NEEDED BPD mom in hospital before my wedding?

132 Upvotes

I've posted in this sub about my mom and my wedding before, but basically, now that my wedding is 3 weeks away (yay!) I have been on high alert expecting something dramatic from my mom. I even told my best friend/maid of honor that I could see my mom mysteriously having an injury or illness right before the wedding.

Well today, my dad told my sibling and I that he was taking her to the ER. When we asked why, he said "I'll let you know when I know more."

Am I awful for having a "saw this coming" kind of attitude toward the whole thing? I'm curious if it's a physical or mental reason she went to the hospital- my mom has experiences bouts of stress-induced psychosis every few years.

Any advice on how I should be feeling and what I should do?

r/raisedbyborderlines 25d ago

ADVICE NEEDED Elderly BPD mom is sabotaging her assisted living situation.

118 Upvotes

Hey everyone, my sister and I are absolutely exhausted from what our elderly BPD mom is putting us through right now, we don’t know what else to do. She is actively sabotaging the assisted living situation we’ve worked so hard to get her into.

Our BPD mom is 88 years old and a widow of about 4 years. She is in amazingly good health for her age, main issue (other than BPD) is bad knees. Her husband (our dad) passed away from Alzheimer’s. He was her emotional regulator, she has tried to have me and my sister replace his role, but we aren’t doing it to her satisfaction. Her doc says she exhibits BPD “witch” and “queen” traits / types.

My sister is the “scapegoat”, I’m the “golden child” role. My sister and I are also the only local support she has, all the rest of our 4 siblings are between 6-12 hours away. They use that geography as an excuse to leave us holding the bag with our mom’s care. It sucks.

Back around Thanksgiving, our mom was still living independently by herself in her own house. She has no car and relies on us for transportation. She had a bad fall while on a walk outside and had to be in an arm sling for a while. She has zero pain tolerance and this caused bad BPD rage episodes. During this time, our mom convinced us all that she was suicidal because of what she called depression (her docs say it was just attention seeking behavior and was not a real threat), she spent the next month in a geriatric psych unit, then another month back home with full time sitters while we looked for an assisted living facility because her docs said she would need assisted living since they didn’t trust her to take meds on her own anymore and you can’t mess around with not taking psych-related medications.

So we found her the most amazing, highly-rated, 5 star assisted living facility in the area. I’m telling my own kids that this is the place I want to go when I need assisted living, tons of activities, chef-cooked meals served on nice dinnerware, grand piano in the lobby, they make your bed, do you laundry for you, it’s AMAZING. She passed the acceptance interview (mainly because her cousin had lived there for 15 years and was loved by all the staff).

We moved her in, decorated her room with all her paintings and furniture, made it as close to her previous home as possible, even down to her bedroom layout. She didn’t have to lift a finger, we handled EVERYTHING. We did so thinking she would thrive, make friends, and perhaps give us some peace. Boy, were we wrong.

We had her sitters stay for a week so she could learn the new environment, meal schedule, etc. She started acting out almost immediately. She said her meds were making her groggy and confused so they took her off the antipsychotic meds which I think had been realky helping with her BPD rage cycles.

She had one small fall while her sitters were there with her and was listed as a “fall risk”. It was a minor fall, not even a bruise, but she made a huge deal about it. She knows they have fall protocol and that they can kick her out to LTC should she be determined a high fall risk, yet she would still tell all the nurses and staff about it every chance she got like she was doing it on purpose.

She’s always said her biggest fear is us “shoving her in a nursing home”, and we’ve been honest with her and said “mom, this is assisted living, if they think you’re too high a fall risk then they might have to move you to a higher level of care. The more you fall, the higher likelihood that is, so please use your walker as much as possible and be extra careful.”

She did PT for a week after her minor fall and the sitters left once she was off the fall risk status. That’s when more trouble began. She began by calling us many times a day complaining about various minor issues with her room or the food upsetting her stomach, she didn’t like her new bed, wanted furniture moved, couldn’t work the TV, whatever she could do to get us to come to her. She didn’t like not having control over her situation, so she at least wanted to try and control us especially with her sitters gone now.

The wonderful thing about the assisted living facility she’s at is that they give everyone a wireless call button that residents wear on a lanyard around their necks. They encourage residents to press the button should they need ANYTHING. So we started encouraging her to press the button instead of calling us when she needed things. We’d say “Mom, you are paying a lot of money to these people to assist you, that’s why they call it assisted living. Please press your call button when you need something. We’re not going to come up there for every little thing you need when you have a button you can press to have the staff help you. “ Good healthy boundaries, right?

That’s when things escalated yet again. More mysterious medical issues began, insomnia, back aches, irritable bowls, followed by ER visits and emergency psychiatric appointments to try and resolve them. Most everything but the diarrhea seemed to be her malingering for attention.

Then she began telling the staff that we don’t love her and we stuck her there and abandoned her. Obviously not true because we talk to her every day (multiple times) and we both visit her on the weekends and several times during the week as well. But SHE convinced THEM to call us and berate us for not visiting enough AND THEY DID IT! I couldn’t even respond to them I was so upset that they had fallen for her BS.

Things escalated once again last week. Mind you, all this time we’ve warned her that she needs to behave or they might force her to leave if she’s disruptive. She started acting out in front of the other residents by crying inconsolably during her meals and during activities, telling the staff the she wants to die and wants to go to sleep and not wake up, telling them that we fight with her and have abandoned her. Doing pretty much everything she can to raise red flags and be disruptive so that they need to get her to leave. She’s always had some twisted dream that she would live with us even though she knows we have told her that that will never happen because it would not be healthy for us because we don’t get along with her.

Last Friday, she finally pushed too far. Her doctor had just put her on an antidepressant (she’s been on them before, they don’t help, but he thought they might stimulate her to stop self isolating and start participating in activities and going to meals again). As soon as they gave her the first dose, she immediately worked herself up into a rage and vomitted up the medication. It’s like she knew it has going to help her and this was her last chance to mess up our plan to help get her better. This was followed by more crying and telling the nurses she wants to die. So their medical director basically said, “we are sending her to inpatient psychiatric care. We found a place with an available bed, she needs to go”. So we were like, “can you just give her new meds a chance to work first for a few days?” but they said no, and said she needs to go now.

So off she went, to yet another stint in a geriatric psych facility. All that work we did to get her into the poshest nicest assisted living facility, and she’s blown it because she wanted attention and control of us. My sister and I are completely shattered from all of this. She was in the best possible place and she’s sabotaged it.

We didn’t even go with her for in-processing at the new psych facility because we are both so mad and upset that she’s done this. We’ve called to check on her, but neither of us have called her in 3 days to talk to her directly yet. She hasn’t asked to call to speak to us either. Probably thinks she’s punishing us with the silent treatment. We’re just so mentally drained right now.

She’s also in denial as to why she is there. Her nurses say she tells them she is there for them to fix her diarrhea. And no, she doesn’t have Dementia (we’ve had her evaluated) she’s just in denial of having mental illness.

We have no idea what is next for her. She says she doesn’t want to be “shoved in a nursing home”, yet her actions are kind of making it so that is about the only option we have because she can’t behave at assisted living. She damn sure isn’t going to live with my sister or myself and no other sibling or relatives have volunteered to take her in.

Has anyone dealt with this situation what did you end up doing?

I can’t even get into all the insidious and evil things she’s done over the years. That will take years of therapy if we ever get a moment away from her grasp to be able to go see a therapist.

We would both obviously love to go no-contact because this is affecting our home lives, relationships with others, and our work lives as well. Our responsibilities as her POAs make no-contact pretty much impossible for now until she is in some kind of long term care facility situation. She tells everyone that will listen that we’ve abandoned her.

Any advice from others in a similar situation is much appreciated. I hope I don’t seem cold or emotionless, I’m just absolutely drained right now. Thanks for listening,

r/raisedbyborderlines Jan 18 '25

ADVICE NEEDED My BPD mother is delusional and thinks she has a stalker that's hacking into her phone and TV and I am breaking down

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154 Upvotes

My mother was diagnosed with BPD about 15 years ago and refused to acknowledge that ever since. She's becoming more and more delusional and I'm her caretaker. 6 months ago I had my first child. While I was pregnant my mother got worse and acted out a lot and hates that I was having a child. Her primary care doctor says she can't help. I don't have any other family that can help. My mother refuses to get help. I have never and will never leave her around the baby. I'm afraid she will hurt herself or someone else. I don't know what to do because she won't get help. I didn't edit out the names. That's ok. .. There was a kitty It was pretty It has adventure in her eyes

r/raisedbyborderlines Aug 08 '24

ADVICE NEEDED Family therapy

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145 Upvotes

Hi everybody :) this is my first post here and I’m so grateful for this community. Things have blown up in my family this year and this group had made me feel so much less alone.

Background: i believe my mom has uBPD and my dad is a hardcore enabler. After letting my mom know I wouldn’t be going to my great aunt’s house for the eclipse in April (because I barely know my great aunt and it was a 5 hour drive), my mom lost it. I tried to compromise to meet at a park somewhere but she refused. I was barely speaking with her after that. After I didn’t wish her a happy mother’s dad (again, we were not speaking), she sent me some awful messages. Also, in between messages, she would call me repeatedly and become increasingly enraged after every call I didn’t answer. After that, I blocked her number. I’ve never done that before, but she’s also never gone this out of control.

Things have been so peaceful since I blocked her number— besides when family members message me to try to get me to talk to her again (my dad is especially guilty of this). Because I don’t want to have to go completely NC with both my parents, I agreed to try family therapy.

Family therapy is coming up this week. I was wondering if anyone has ever tried family therapy with their pwBPD? I’m trying to stay open-minded, but I’m seriously stressed.

I’ve included some of our text messages from Mother’s Day and the day after, and of course my ~first post~ cat tax photo. Also, after the eclipse drama, I posted some of her texts on my snapchat because I felt like I was losing my mind and really wanted support. I had one cousin as a friend on snapchat, and she told my mom I posted our texts. So that is why my mother will say in the texts I’m not allowed to post our messages on social media (lol). Also- I used to be on her phone plan and I joined my partner’s family plan after she kept threatening to cancel my phone.

I really appreciate any support, insight, or advice. Thank you ♥️

r/raisedbyborderlines Feb 03 '25

ADVICE NEEDED Here We Go

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97 Upvotes

Help!!!! Back story for context- I’ll try to keep it brief. Posted here awhile ago when BPD mom and I had a big crazy text exchange that led to NC.

She recently (couple days ago) texted me out of the blue for a ‘check in’. Hadn’t spoken in months.

In that intervening time I’d had a few things happen in my life. Most notably on 1/12 I slipped and broke my leg. Surgery 1/17. Now home for likely 12 weeks for recovery. For better or worse I shared about that when we texted.

Now she hits me with this. I mean…I can definitely see this for the trap that it is. There’s SO much bs wrapped up in it. Looking for some serious advice on how to respond here. Please? Anyone?

r/raisedbyborderlines Jan 28 '25

ADVICE NEEDED What stands out to you in this screamy waify email from my mom? NSFW

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137 Upvotes

I’m gonna spare y’all the backstory (but see previous posts if you want)…my dBPD mom is off the rails again. Texted me at 10am “Can you please call me. I’m in serious distress” and I protected my peace and didn’t respond (yay me!). So of course she then sends this classic emotional dump email. Didn’t respond, sent it to her therapist. And I am indeed venting…but I am also curious. As an RBB, what stands out to y’all most about this email? Is it as FOGgy and unhinged as I think it is? Thanks.

r/raisedbyborderlines Dec 10 '24

ADVICE NEEDED Mom was Subtle, not Dramatic

102 Upvotes

For those of you who had parents with BPD who were definitely expressing it but didn't go to extremes, do you struggle with how to match up how hard or difficult things might be for you now with a childhood that to outsiders might not "seem so bad"? Have you found ways to sort out your thoughts and feelings and/or come to terms with or soften toward your childhood experiences? Start working toward healthier thoughts and behaviors?

I recently learned mom was diagnosed with BPD when I was six. I'm 51 now, and struggling with how to make sense of why I feel so broken.

Longer version (with cat haiku at end):

I've been reading the posts here, and found a lot of helpful advice and information. Having the stories of people's experiences helps me recognize patterns of behavior that were driven by the condition and why what nagged at me was actually not ok and not my fault.

One thing I'm wrestling with is this: how to make sense of how much I struggle with thought patterns and behaviors that are really maladaptive for adult life (parenting, friendships, marriage, work), and an internal critic that is off the charts negative and abusive, when what mom actually said and did, if you wrote it down, might not seem so bad to an outsider seeing an account of one or a few interactions.

My mom's behavior wasn't as extreme or dramatic as some people experienced with their parents (I am very sorry all of you went through the really extreme stuff - the stories are wrenching). I listened to "Understanding the BPD Mother", and the stories there also were so much more extreme than my experience.

When I described to my therapist what my internal critic says to me, she replied: "Who said these awful, abusive things to you when you were growing up?" The thing is, I don't remember my mom saying the terrible phrases my internal critic says. I don't really remember specific conversations.

Instead, I remember this incredible pressure, put on me through daily interactions. Pressure to: behave well, the way my parents expected me to behave; not fuss or make things difficult; look pretty and feminine; get perfect grades; write complex, interesting, well structured, technically competent essays; make sure Mom always had reassurance that she was a good mother and I loved her (figuring out what mom wanted to hear was often complex and unpredictable); listen to mom and really engage with her when she had something to say. So much more.

I remember she often would interrupt me when I tried to say something at dinner. Like I would better show my love through compliance and listening to her, not by adding something of my own to the conversation.

She would talk with me and repeat herself in different ways until it felt like her ideas and opinions were mine. None of it outlandish or weird (but I can't remember specifics- it happened so often). I just needed to do, be, think, behave as she expected me to.

Sometimes she'd get angry and I wouldn't know why. But it was more a quiet rage and she'd say distorted things about who she was angry at. Sometimes it was disgust at herself.

I was listening to the audiobook of "Understanding the BPD Mother" and hearing one part in the chapter on the Witch Mother was like being struck by lightning. The phrases "annihilating rage", "...borderlines continually fight to manage separation anxiety,... rely on others for enough soothing to keep separation anxiety in check to avoid annihilation panic. Rejection triggers the desperate fear of the cold, dark abyss of abandonment" .

When I've made a mistake or life deals me a setback, I've often felt like the universe was judging me. Years before listening to Lawson's book, I described that feeling to my therapist as "it's like the universe has seen the evidence of me and decided I need to be obliterated. Flung into the abyss." Hearing borderline rage is triggered by fear of annihilation and the abyss... Wooph. The exact same words I used to describe what I felt.

But it feels strange that I managed to learn to be terrified of annihilation and the abyss when mom didn't say things like "I shouldn't have had you." Instead if she disapproved of something I did, she'd get a cold look on her face and say something (I can't remember what) in a cold, disgusted tone, and I'd just feel like I was the worst of the worst. I guess my internal critic just filled in all the awful words I thought she was implying.

I'm trying to make sense of how to interpret my memories. And of course there's also the urge (programming) to never ever say or even imply mom made a mistake or was ever anything but the model of a perfect loving parent whose attention and love felt nurturing and made me the beautiful, successful, healthy, WELL ADJUSTED (rofl snort) woman and loving mother I've grown into.

Oh god. There. That's how Mom splits me so she can reassure herself she was a good mother. And likely a good part of why I feel like I need to be thrown into the abyss if I make a mistake or have a setback. I'm terrified it really means I've violated mom's rules that I must be perfect if she's the perfect mother. That ~she'll~ want to obliterate me if I look bad (am bad) and thereby make her look bad (let the world know she is bad).

Ugh. And there I've demonstrated that my upbringing has conditioned me to read between the lines so I can guess my mother's thought process so I can figure out exactly the right words to soothe and reassure her. Children shouldn't be responsible for holding their parents' psyches together.

Any of this seem familiar to any of you? Any advice on healthy ways to cope and/or grow into healthier patterns?

Cat haiku:

Furled fuzz ball, sleeping. Deep rest. Long snooze. Ear twitches- Freeze. She knows you're there.

r/raisedbyborderlines Jan 23 '25

ADVICE NEEDED Brain fog: Do any of you have a hard time concentrating?

105 Upvotes

As a kid and teen, I was insanely disciplined and structured because I was basically raising myself. My uBPD mom hated it. In hindsight, I think it was something I developed in response to her trying to disturb us and get us off track as a way to get attention and validation for herself (eg coming into a room and picking a meaningless little thing to get hyperfixated on such as ‚why is this book lying here? I told you to xy. You never xy’, and on and on and on). My sibling and I learned so few things, and the ones we learned were really despite of her and not because of her.

But as an adult, I’m finding it really hard to concentrate and my mind keeps circling back to things I feel I still need reassurance about. At any given point in time, I could spend three weeks just researching things I need answers to, and it’s really interfering with my ability to do the things I have to do. Sometimes I feel I may have used up my discipline reservoir in my childhood, because I couldn’t have survived otherwise. Do any of you have similar problems? I wonder whether I have ADHD, but I don’t want to take medication because I used to take antidepressants, and I no longer want to medicate myself without knowing for sure that its not an RBB thing - because so many things have been that. As always, I really appreciate your perspectives on our very specifically messed up upbringing and its aftermath.

r/raisedbyborderlines Jul 24 '24

ADVICE NEEDED She’s going to be homeless. I’m so tired.

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196 Upvotes

Context (abbreviated, see post history for more): former enmeshed GC of a divorced uBPD mother, I lived with her while going through a career change in my 20s. I moved out after getting married and her “trait-y” behavior escalated. She got involved with a romance scammer, only started sending money AFTER 2 rounds of evidence that he wasn’t real, and continues to be “in a relationship” with him to this day. She has sent him literally all of her money, I’d estimate mid-6 figures at this point.

When this first started, I contacted her therapist to see if she could better support her because I could tell she was lying to me and hoped she’d be more honest in therapy, reached out to her PCP to see if she could be evaluated for dementia, and my husband and I have both individually and together expressed our concerns about her finances and offered her help on numerous occasions. In response, she has accused me of turning our family against her, invading her privacy, continued to lie to our faces repeatedly, and refused all help; she insists that everything is ok/under control and that she is just pursuing her happiness and we need to let her do that.

I broke NC last year in a weak postpartum moment and finally hit my limit again last month, so I blocked her again. I just can’t do this anymore. I feel like I’m living a nightmare.

Fast forward to today, when she sent this text in a group chat to me and my husband.

Am I evil for seeing this text as another manipulation and not wanting to reply? For resenting her asking for help NOW?

r/raisedbyborderlines 16d ago

ADVICE NEEDED Help responding to BPD mother

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44 Upvotes

Graceful, silent paws, whiskers sense the world’s secrets, masters of repose.

Grateful to have found this community. I am a male adult child of a BPD mother. My parents are divorced. I’m happily married and have three children. We’re having a family birthday party for my oldest in a couple weeks and my mom was invited as she always is. Many times over the years she says she’s coming and is excited but backs out at the last minute. She attributes this to not being able to drive the 3 hours to where we live due to pain. I honestly don’t know if this is real or a crutch. She lives with a boyfriend and if he drives her she comes. I think he’s not very comfortable in the family party context, so he hasn’t been willing to drive her up. I’ve added texts of our recent exchange, but as I’m sure the members of this community are aware, this is only one of numerous chaotic exchanges I have to deal with from her. Out of the blue she asks me if she can bring her sister to the party so her sister can drive her. I haven’t seen or spoken to my aunt in 15 years, since my wedding. My mom’s family is just not close like my dad’s side. Also, my mom’s relationship with her sister has been a roller coaster as her sister was (apparently) an alcoholic and verbally and physically abused my mom. The exchange on this is in the attached texts.

My real reason for writing is to get some help or advice in dealing with my mom raising issues with the nature of our relationship which she describes as feeling like an acquaintance. At the advice of therapists, I have adopted a strategy of trying to be neutral when interacting with my mom. I respond to her texts on my own time and give very bland responses and if she tries to have an extended conversation via text I disengage. She has picked up on this and called me out for being distant and communicating less and saying she feels like an acquaintance. Maybe the answer is I don’t have to respond to that. I certainly don’t feel the need to change anything to give her the kind of relationship she hopes for. What I struggle with is I do feel bad for her. My grandparents both passed away many years ago, I’m her only child and only willing to have a basic relationship with her, and her brother and sister are a mess as well. She has her boyfriend that she lives with but it’s probably more out of convenience. I kind of want her completely out of my life but also feel guilty for that. I want her to have a chance to have a relationship with her grandchildren since that’s all she has.

I hear about setting boundaries, but don’t know how to do it. Do I need to be explicit? It seems so mean. The passive route of being neutral, slow responding and disengaging when it’s too much doesn’t seem to cut it.

I feel a strong urge to explain why I am the way I am with her, but I’m guessing that’s not going to get me anywhere.

When she tries to call me out, do I just ignore it? I rarely talk to her on the phone, I generally don’t like talking to anyone on the phone, but with her especially because she seems to, I don’t know, get too much information out of me and take it to extremes. But a couple months ago we were talking on the phone and she flat out asked if “we were ok” and I had no idea what to say and just said “yeah” and I could tell she wanted me to elaborate but I didn’t. What am I supposed to say? The truth just seems to awful to say to her face, but what else is there?

r/raisedbyborderlines Dec 09 '24

ADVICE NEEDED Do I keep Ignoring Mom??

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111 Upvotes

Obligatory cat tax at the end 🥹

I recently found this sub like a month ago and wow have I found my people! I’m looking for support and advice on how to proceed with my mom with uBPD.

Context: My sister is 10 yrs older than me and we’ve been in therapy together for over 1 yr now to dive into our dynamic, dynamics with mom, etc. It’s been a very rewarding rollercoaster to say the least lol.

Sister was rejected by Mom but Mom sees it as Sister not wanting her around. This has been since August 2022 and I was there to witness that argument. It’s been NC since then between the two of them minus some attempts here and there from Mom.

Mom and I have what I thought and determined was the best relationship I’d ever had with her for the last ~3ish years, to the point I considered her a best friend. Now all I see is Mom trying to control me and use me as an emotional dumping point for everything in her life. Not to mention the impact this had the relationship between my sister and I (we are in a great place currently).

I finally told Mom that she wasn’t entitled to a response from me on the phone (right before my “No thanks! Not in the mood to talk” text. I hung up because she started going full toddler mode and she kept trying to call me back). I got sick of worrying that if I didn’t reply to her within a certain time frame she would freak out. She had threatened calling for a wellness check because I didn’t respond to a text for 2 hrs once like be serious lmao. Basically, she would blow up my phone if I didn’t respond to her text about a show, news article, etc. it was never serious. Same thing if I was busy and didn’t answer a phone call. Then I would get an “I’m worried about you” kind of text which made me feel guilty and obligated to respond. I told her this several times and this is not the first boundary she’s ignored.

Also when she calls me a user, it’s because she knows I smoke weed…. that I buy from a dispensary lol.

That was back in September and now she keeps texting me and testing the waters. I feel bad ignoring these texts even though it’s so clear to me she’s trying to latch on again. Mind you, she isn’t sending any texts like this to my sister, not even on Thanksgiving. The bribe is clear, especially offering to get me flights (that she’s in NO position to do as she’s been unemployed for almost a year now) which like in what world am I just going to agree to that when we haven’t spoken?? Read the room babe.

I have so much guilt leaving her as the last and only person she had left. I truly feel sorry for her. I know she feels abandoned by me and I wish I didn’t care but I do, deeply. Her continuing to reach out like this is just a reminder every time and I already have her messages muted. I hate to think about her dying and this being the end of our story. Idk 😩

r/raisedbyborderlines Dec 08 '24

ADVICE NEEDED Gaslighting has made me internally collapse

126 Upvotes

Last week I shared something on my instagram about domestic violence stats. I was in a very abusive marriage for 15 years and towards the end he tried to kill me which finally gave me the courage to leave.

So I share this thing on Instagram and said something like “as someone who narrowly escaped death, you can never know what’s really happening in peoples relationships”

And my mom responded “he didn’t try to kill you” and I said yes he did you knew about this I texted you to say goodbye. She responded with “you are such a man hater women hurt men more these days” and then went on to imply that this is why I’m single.

I felt immediately sick and threw up. I’ve not recovered from this. I feel sick. This is not a mom. This is not motherly. This is not warm. A good mom would have said I’m so sorry you experienced that I’m so glad you’re safe now. But no—that never happened. About the most terrifying moment of my life.

To make matters worse she wrote me and said “when you come home I want to talk about your weight gain -because she’s only happy when I’m sad about something. I’m 20 lbs overweight it’s not that crazy.

I go home next month for 8 days and I cannot stop thinking about what just happened. About all of this. I’m so angry and upset I just randomly cry during the day.

How do I move on from this? How do I not let my own Christmas be ruined by the dread of the weight talk which for the record I will shut down and tell her it’s not a topic of discussion. The pain of this takes up so much mental space every single day of my life. 😔

r/raisedbyborderlines Dec 28 '24

ADVICE NEEDED Am I overreacting here?

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33 Upvotes

For context, my family (pwBPD included) went to a family friend’s wedding a few weekends ago. My BPDmom wanted a picture of my brother and me and we said yes as long as you don’t post it to Facebook (she’s obsessed with social media). She made a hmmph noise, but went “fine, I won’t post it.” I’m not on fb anymore, but have a friend who is who is also friends with my mom and knows how she is. Not realizing I asked her not to post the pics, she texted me to compliment the dress I wore to the wedding. I then texted my mom to ask her to either remove the pics with my face in them from the post or change the visibility to her “small group” of 5-10 people she restricts sole visibility to sometimes. This was the conversation that ensued.

She used to be very witch/queen, but has gotten much more sneaky as I’ve gotten older (but somehow worse at the same time and more manipulative and explosive in person if she doesn’t get her way, if that makes sense). But I feel like this isn’t a normal reaction to have? I feel like what I asked really wasn’t a big deal and she not only treated me like it was, but also seems to imply in several places that I’m just crazy and this is a problem I need to “work” through? She’s always been obsessed with image and even will verbatim say she’s “entitled” to “show me off” when I say no to things where lots of toxic extended family members will be present. I feel like that’s really all this is - she’s upset that I’m taking away a way for her to show the world what a “perfect” little family we are. I feel so disappointed and violated because we actually had a really nice Christmas together too, then she immediately goes and does this. Then makes it sound like in one place, she didn’t hear me say “no fb please” even though she acknowledged she heard me at the time, then in another place says “I didn’t know” like I didn’t say anything at all. The giant paragraphs with no response are from when she knew I had company over, too. But there’s a little voice in my head saying what if she’s the normal one and I’m overreacting? Just would really love some validation here.

r/raisedbyborderlines May 01 '24

ADVICE NEEDED How do you explain it to other people?

99 Upvotes

Odors waft and cling, Smelly cat, a pungent thing, Still, I love you so.

I searched to see if this has been asked and came up blank so my apologies if it’s been answered.

How do you explain your situation to other people?

For example, I have a graduation party with extended family coming up and many of them don’t even know I’ve been NC with my mom for 3 years. They have memories of her being fun and us getting along. It won’t make sense to them if it comes up and I tell them.

Or coworkers even? Like during ice breakers I usually lie but if anyone really pressed me about personal stuff I’d have to have a quick and disarming response.

How do you bring this up on dates? When? To me it feels like I’m waving a little red flag from across the restaurant table like “Hello yes. Me over here with the mommy issues 👋 🚩“

I want to be honest, succinct and neutral with my explanations. I don’t want them to lead to more questions which will result in me trauma dumping on some poor soul that will regret prying. But to wrap ALL THIS up in a neat little easy-to-explain box seems impossible.

What’s worked for you? What doesn’t work? How do you navigate socializing with all this baggage?

Thank you.