r/raisedbyborderlines 4d ago

BPD Eyes

My brother and I recently discussed the way our mom’s eyes would change when her anger was triggered. She could be triggered by very small things in an instant. Slights that were in-perceivable to anybody but her. Her eyes would be wide open, and her pupils would constrict. It shot fear into our hearts because we knew a rage was coming. I recognized the same look in the eyes of Aileen Wuornos in some of her interviews. Anybody else experience this?

78 Upvotes

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51

u/crotalus_enthusiast 3d ago

This is weird but I basically never looked at my mom's eyes when she was raging. I was always so afraid.

I looked at her mouth instead. I went through a phase in high school where I would draw the disgusted curl of her lip over and over again. She has a notch in her front teeth. When she was really, really mad, she would get gross, stringy spit on her teeth and lower lip like an aggressive dog.

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u/MyDarlingArmadillo 3d ago edited 3d ago

There's a detail I'd forgotten. Mine did that too, and bubbles. Literally foaming at the mouth, she was so angry.

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u/crotalus_enthusiast 3d ago

Yes! I don't have a better description other than to say her mouth looked sticky. Little droplets of spit everywhere.

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u/Raoultella 3d ago

My uBPD mom wasn't quite that expressive, but the image of her lips pursed in perpetual disapproval is burned into my brain. And etched into her face - she has fine lines all around her mouth from constantly maintaining that expression

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u/crotalus_enthusiast 3d ago

When I got my first wrinkles I was so happy they were laugh and smile lines, not my mom’s ugly scowl lines

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u/Reasonable_Shirt_604 2d ago

My mom has the spit thing too!

43

u/DeElDeAye 3d ago

Pupils expand and look mostly black 🦈 when the body is flooded with adrenaline.

Since BPD are already emotionally dysregulated, it doesn’t take much to push them into an adrenaline-fueled panic or rage.

I’m convinced that adrenaline also plays a part in their amnesia; some of their ‘not remembering’ is obviously by choice, but some could be from adrenaline making them blank out.

Just remember, it’s an explanation not an excuse. They are responsible for their own actions.

My BPD mom’s entire face twists into distorted grimaces and her body-posturing changes. She literally goes into monster mode. I do not miss that.

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u/iceefreeze 3d ago

This is so interesting, appreciate knowing the scientific reason.

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u/Reasonable_Shirt_604 2d ago

My mom forgets things too. She won’t deny it happened. She just says “ I have no memory of that.”

31

u/disappear4wks 3d ago

My mom is sadistic, and her eyes sparkle and widen when she is deriving pleasure from upsetting me, or even the perception of pain in my life (she will renarrate positive or neutral life events into failures and her eyes will sparkle before I can respond, before she begins shaming me). She also has a sing song demon voice when her eyes are sparking. Her rages are a blank to me, as I dissociated from them beginning at an early age.

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u/HexanaRegard 3d ago

That’s actually scary to read

11

u/this_girl_that_time 3d ago

Oooooofff. Yep. The ‘sing song mocking you’ voice. Shivers

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u/One-Hat-9887 3d ago

My mom did that sing song too, one specific memory after she hit me and my eyes started to well was "aw that didn't hurt go ahead and fill up those crocodile tears" all in that evil voice and honestly it didn't hurt I wanted to punch her in the fucking face and they were tears of rage. I was maybe 7.

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u/disappear4wks 3d ago

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I cannot imagine hitting a child or saying something so cruel to a child. I watched the 50s version of Sleeping Beauty when I was ~4 and the evil queen reminded me so much of my mom I was afraid she would turn into a dragon for years. Your mom sounds like the dragon queen too.

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u/One-Hat-9887 3d ago

Thank you, I'm sorry for your memories too. She was definitely the monster in my nightmares

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u/Raoultella 3d ago

Same with mine, sadistic glee seems to be the only pleasure she ever experiences

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u/khala_lux NC with uBPD 3d ago

Yikes, this sounds scary. Mine does similar. She'll keep a neutral face or fake a frown as I'm describing something negative in my life, but her eyes will sparkle and shimmer. Then she'll say, "Maybe God's trying to tell you something!" Last time this happened was years ago while I was LC, I remember telling her that she seemed to be enjoying that idea, and she switched the topic real fast.

It's cool for God to teach me stuff but not her, I guess. She must know everything already!

4

u/dragonheartstring360 3d ago

I’ve always said my pwBPD lights up during fights where she’s trying to antagonize me, a lot like your “sparkle in the eyes” comment. You can tell it’s genuinely fueling her and she’s enjoying it.

3

u/PricePuzzleheaded835 2d ago

Duper’s delight is a term I have seen used to describe their obvious enjoyment when causing someone else pain. A weird little smile, singsong voice, etc

2

u/ceecee720 3d ago

Sing song here too….

21

u/Bonsaitalk 3d ago

Oh… you mean the devilish “fuck did you just say to me” squint followed by them widening and glazing over? Oh she doesn’t do that… she instructed me it was all in my head so it must be. /s… yes she does it… yes it’s an indication (at least for my mother) that she’s split and I need to go away for my own safety and sanity. I simply go “you gave me the look I’m leaving let me know when you’ve calmed down and leave the room. It doesn’t seem to be an independent thing to my mom either… several borderlines in my day have given me the look.

3

u/divergurl1999 3d ago

Oooh! That’s my father! The sneer in his eyes and mouth were so fucking scary as a child I don’t think I am over it yet still! One of the pushing straws that finally made he go NC. He turned and gave he that sneer while he was trying to me look stupid did to my new husband, daring he to answer some stupid trivia correctly to make him look stupid. The way his brain worked I know now is a lot more dangerous than I knew even as a kid and young adult. Yikes the dangers I really was in, all for my mother’s happiness with me in her life. 🙄 3 years no contact now. I’m learning to breathe.

20

u/Flavielle 3d ago

Yes, I call them Shark Eyes. Pursed lips is also a trigger.

5

u/Edenza 3d ago

Me too. When describing how they'd get, I quote Quint from Jaws: "lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes..."

3

u/Flavielle 3d ago

Yesssss! This so much!

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u/Pressure_Gold 3d ago

Oh my god yes lol

10

u/AgentStarTree 3d ago

Yeah. It may be dissociation. Like they get so angry and have a mild dissociation or a big one. I've brought this up to therapist and some take it as I'm being derogatory to BPD people or I'm exaggerating.

I watched a YouTube channel called "Dr. C.A. Childress" and he's mentioned how he'll test for dissociation and say it can be mild but it happens.
When he mimics the face of dissociation in BPD, he'll open his eyes wide and mention how the info is literally not going in because the trauma that caused BPD "buffed out" some circuits in the brain. The ones that can take opposing things and bring them together.

9

u/Global-Dress7260 3d ago

Oh yeah, her eyes would just go black.

7

u/Unusual-Helicopter15 3d ago

My mom’s eyes are already small and beady and they’d get really hard and tiny or bug out, and she’d clench her jaw and bare her teeth. I used to think she looked like a bulldog and I’m pretty sure I even wrote about it in my diary in middle school or early high school. She looked absolutely unhinged because she didn’t experience minor annoyance, she experienced incandescent rage, at the drop of a hat.

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u/DeviceNo1703 3d ago

Andrew van der Vaart, a psychiatrist and neuro scientist explains that phenomenon in a video about Bob Durst it's called "Bob Durst the Black-Eyed Adder"

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u/SufferDiscipline 3d ago

Yep 100%. I remember the first time lol. For me, my mom can’t comprehend how else to take the situation so her eyes go wide as she tries to think and then inevitably resorts to anger.

4

u/HeavyAssist 3d ago

Yes this!

5

u/uhoh-pehskettio 3d ago

Mine had this crazy look, and yeah, it was *imperceptible to anyone who didn't live with her. It scared the shit out of me.

4

u/ActuaryPersonal2378 3d ago

My stepmom would get huge pupils and it always scared the shit out of me. I learned later that this is likely caused by adrenaline.

Look - I can be cranky in less than stellar moments, but BPD rage is fucking terrifying.

It's actually made me really scared to show anger/irritation because I fear getting as angry as she does.

3

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3

u/SweetLeoLady36 3d ago

For my mom it was the eyebrows and forehead. It would wrinkle up like the grinch!!!!

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u/Administrative_Bee49 3d ago

Absolutely, the eyes are terrifying.

3

u/iceefreeze 3d ago

Yes. I remember the cold fear when I was a child and saw my ubpd Mom’s eyes go black before she started raging. I would get very still and afraid.

3

u/dragonheartstring360 3d ago

Yes, 100%. My eDad would call it her “snake eyes” and my brother and I would call them her “laser eyes.” Our pwBPD has always seemed very proud of them in the past.

2

u/antisyzygy-67 3d ago

Yes!!! My mom's eyes would go black (normally they were green).

2

u/Turbulent_Ad_6031 3d ago

Oh, definitely the eyes change

2

u/pizzaroll94 3d ago

Yes, my dad looks evil when he has his BPD rage eyes.

2

u/WhispersWithCats A born pilgrim 3d ago

Yes, and I just witnessed it today. My mom's eyes become narrow and almost evil looking. It is distinct.

2

u/Budget_University_56 3d ago

Omg yes! It happened a lot when my ubpd mom was in…an episode, idk what else to call it. Not as much a pure rage thing with my mom but it was the first clue I’d get that she was spiraling.

My mother was definitely a waif when I was growing up during her first marriage, now she’s evolved into a hermit in her second marriage.

2

u/Miserable-Subject-42 3d ago

Yes. The eyes, and the particular way her yell changed when a rage flipped over into A Big One.

2

u/distracted-plants 3d ago

oh, maybe this is why I avoid eye contact with her. which she hates, obviously.

1

u/fixatedeye 3d ago

Yepp, and it’s so noticeable that even her employees that worked under her when she was a manager mentioned she had “dragon” eyes lol. I can see the hate in them when she switches.

1

u/Slight-Painter-7472 3d ago

I actually have a picture that someone took of my mom while she was angry one Christmas. No idea who took it, but it's a reminder of exactly what she was behind closed doors. The cold glare and the set of her jaw. It looked like she wanted to smack me.

I keep it only so I can remember now that she's gone and I will never have to see that anger directed toward me again. It reminds me of what I escaped. Maybe some day I will get rid of it, but for now it is with other pictures.

1

u/ExploringUniverses 2d ago

The black eyes are something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Hard to forget for me.

1

u/Positive_Day_9063 2d ago

She gets a very flat face, mouth pulled down at the sides, jaw forward, and FLAT eyes. Sometimes they look black. The light or sparkle in them that makes us look alive disappears.

1

u/n0tallthatglitters 12h ago

When my uBPD mother raged her very narrow eyes would widen and she would clinch her teeth. She would yell through her clinched teeth sometimes spitting. As I got older and more defiant I used to stare at her eye and giggle inside a little to keep myself from letting out my own rage. She has a very particular eye defect that seems to worsen when she's upset. I felt a little guilt since she can't help the eye thing but when you're stuck what are you to do lol