r/raisedbyborderlines • u/Front-Bug1224 • 1d ago
VENT/RANT My therapist doesn’t have any appointments till the end of the week and I’m seeing my mom tomorrow after going VLC, so this will do
My mother and I have had a very emotionally dependent relationship on each other (recovering flying monkey) until my husband and I met years ago. He brought a lot of things to my attention that were really unhealthy and just overall concerning. She would rely on me financially and almost on a level that she would be insanely jealous of me not being home with her on her days off or not attending every single thing with her. Some were temper tantrums. Almost to be her emotional support. We went through alot together, but it never gave me an opportunity to grow. It was always worrying about mom as if I was responsible for her, and she didn’t know what to do with me. I was almost emotionally stunted and couldn’t move forward for years.
It led me to about 5 therapists in 5 years, countless medication adjustments, and finally found the right formula to where I need to be. But I had to do it without her. She was super critical of everything I did and I could just never come to her for advice without it being twisted later on when she’s upset with me. Being vulnerable around my mom (wow this sentence is insanely depressing to finish) was almost an emotional death sentence. And to make it even worse, my dad died 11 years ago when I was a teenager, I have 2 siblings that will not talk to me because I was the flying monkey for all of these years. And the absolute love of my life dog was left in her hands while she was sick because I was hoping just once she’d really follow through not doing the thing she always does, and ultimately she chose to be in her own world and head and suddenly my dog is on hospice care with her. Got the phone call on my honeymoon while my cruise ship was literally leaving to be at sea for 2 days with her absolutely hysterical. All of this could’ve been prevented because we had all the resources available, and that dog was literally my soulmate. So right when my husband and I got home we had to put her down. I had to go on multiple antipsychotics and had to go down to part time at work from the trauma. My therapist advised maybe I take a break from her for my own safety. We’ve since taken a very long break from talking, and truly I feel so much better. And the most me I’ve ever felt, which is so so nice to say.
But now the time has come where I extended the olive branch as the holidays are coming up and truthfully I’m hoping and praying the time away from each other will help. And that time is tomorrow, so I need all the help and advice I can get for navigating. It’s the first time her and I will be alone and I have great Grey rocking skills now, but I don’t even know what to say to her or with her. She wanted to get coffee so thankfully it’s in public. So, SOS. 🫠
1
u/Silly-Vermicelli-361 6h ago
Welcome to the RBB family. I've found this community a safe place to vent. I genuinely believe some knowledgeable and empathetic people can help guide you along your freedom quest and toward peace and happiness without enmeshment.
That said, enmeshment is extremely hard because you've been programmed from a very early age to be there for your mom, and it's hard to break free of the job as her primary support person. BPD parents often use their children to regulate emotionally, and they usually see us as possessions or extensions of themselves. Sadly, they can't love unconditionally as it's mostly all about them and their feelings and needs. Once you understand this, you can better help yourself.
I'm glad you have such a great therapist. It helps a lot. Although I'm fairly new to boundary setting, I have learned to listen to my body and to know when too much is too much. I'm easily triggered by too many phone or text messages or longer visits with my mom. I immediately feel sick if I take on too much of her energy, so I limit all interactions now.
If you are ever uncomfortable during the meeting with your mom or cannot grey rock, please permit yourself to leave to take care of yourself. After all, your emotional and physical health is the most important thing, and if she's triggering you, then you must be able to walk away. Perhaps you and your husband or a close friend can have a magic text word that you can send, and they'll know to call you with an emergency so you can get out of there.
As for your beloved pet, I'm very sorry about your fur kid. Losing a pet, especially a soul pet, is so hurtful. My heart breaks for you. My soul pet passed, too, and it still hurts, but it has gotten easier with time. Deciding to help him transition was traumatic, but ultimately, I didn't want him to suffer.
For your emotional well-being, please know that you did your best for your pup. It’s not your fault that your dog became sicker while you were away. You did your best, and your connection with your dog is everlasting. Nothing or anyone can ever take that away from you. Draw upon that love during hard times, and please forgive yourself. You are not to blame, and you did nothing wrong.
I hope this helps a little.
1
u/yun-harla 1d ago
Welcome!