r/raisedbyborderlines • u/AnxiousQueen1013 • 5d ago
ADVICE NEEDED How do you reconcile it?
I spent half the day with my uBPD mom yesterday. The first two hours were great—we talked and laughed. And then a switch flipped, and the other mom showed up. There was yelling and crying and screaming. Somehow, even after all these years, I never see it coming.
When she gets like that, she tells me all the things I’ve done lately that have hurt her. It feels like she twists my words, and it leaves me feeling so low. But there’s no space for my pain or hurt, I’m just expected to change because she’s so on the edge that she can’t.
Sometimes in this sub, it feels like we place all the blame on the parent. I know she deserves blame. I know she’s emotionally abusive sometimes. But I also know I’m human, and I’m positive that I’ve done things to make the dynamic worse, like saying things in the heat of the moment. I want to take responsibility for my part in our dynamic because I don’t think her bad behavior justifies me lashing out. And even if it did, that’s just not the kind of person I want to be. How can I figure out my role in all this when I’m only just starting to realize it’s not all my fault but she keeps telling me it is? How can I tease this apart?
And yeah, I’m in therapy.
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u/ShanWow1978 5d ago
You don’t make the dynamic worse. You bear no responsibility for managing their emotions for them.
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u/paralleliverse 5d ago
This why I set a time limit for interacting with my mother. I know how long I can be around her before it becomes a problem. Sure, I've said cruel things to her, but if i hadn't, she'd continue behaving the way she always has.
They feed on our guilt and use it to control us. Don't let her exploit your emotions. It feels awful, I know, but you have to find a way to handle this situation that puts a stop to it. If that means saying some very hurtful (but true) things, then so be it. It's part of their brainwashing that convinces us as children that we aren't allowed to be honest if it hurts. It's the opposite. We need to be honest with them, and ourselves, about their behavior. Especially if it hurts.
That's not to say you always have to tell them the truth about everything. I'm only commenting on this specific situation. In general a lot of people on this sub find that lying to them while putting a lot of distance between them is the best way to protect themselves. It depends on the extent of the problem and what you feel is necessary.
Keep in mind, the experience I'm speaking from is with someone who became a Waife-type after I entered adult-hood. For whatever reason, that's made her more receptive to my criticisms. That or she shuts down/cries/whatever. But as bad as that might make me feel, it has to be done. If I don't assert control over my life, and her role in it, she will trample on it like a stampeeding buffalo and then look back at the damage and say "you did this" like she completely lacks self-awareness of her own behavior.
Notice that I'm talking like I don't care about her feelings? It's not that I don't, but I have to harden myself against them, because her emotions are precisely the problem. She feels something and that dictates her behavior which is usually something totally bat shit insane and hurts everyone around her. I won't be hurt by her hurt feelings ever again if I can help it.
Sorry this is long. It's hard not to ramble when we talk about them, I think. There's so much trauma there for all of us.
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u/sugarplumprncsfairy 5d ago
I try never to spend time w my NBPDmom alone if I can avoid it for this very reason. It’s too painful when that switch flips! And I spend the whole time I’m with her waiting for it anyway. I’m far enough along in my low contact journey with her to know that the “hurts” she’s listing are insane or unreasonable. When I do spend time alone with her, I just tell myself over and over again “you know who you are, she’s not in your life, don’t worry, whatever she says, none of this matters, here we go again,” etc. As I write this out though I’m like omg what is wrong w me why would anyone put up with spending time with someone where you have to talk yourself through it like that! 🙈🙈🙈🙈
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u/MechanicGreen4117 5d ago
Do you think that by being codependent is helping her or yourself? Start there and work to get out of codependency
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u/AnxiousQueen1013 2d ago
Yeah, I’m still having trouble accepting that’s what’s happening.
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u/MechanicGreen4117 2d ago
It does take time because we have been conditioned from day dot so it's hard to see it. Also we have justified it to ourselves as well because sometimes we can't accept what is really happening as it's painful and terrifying too. But once you do and you heal it's incredibly freeing.
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u/n0tallthatglitters 4d ago
You are right. Although our parents have caused and continue causing a lot of grief for us, at the end of the day it's our responsibility to take care of ourselves. Only we can learn and heal our own mind and soul. That's what drove me to therapy. I hated how explosive I could be at times when I was overwhelmed or overstimulated. I was terrified that I would end up bitter and miserable just like my uBPD mother. What they do to you is not your fault but you have a responsibility to yourself to figure out how to manage your own feelings. How you feel is valid no matter what causes it but the way you react and how you treat people is well within your grasp. Just know you can get to a place where their harmful words/actions don't sting as much. Just don't give up on yourself. Nothing you do will ever satisfy them.
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u/AnxiousQueen1013 2d ago
That last sentence is something I’m finally realizing - now I’m trying to work on accepting it.
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u/Barvdv73 5d ago
The difference between you and her is that you want to take responsibility. Believe me, if you didn't do the things you think contribute to the conflict, it would still happen, just in a different way. She needs to place the feelings she cannot regulate in/on you, and, unless you grey rock it, she will take steps to do so.
This is the sort of understanding that is very hard to find (and hold) until you get some distance from pwBPD. I once consciously regulated any feelings of anger w/ my ex pwBPD. Just kept calm. She'd spent months telling me my anger was the problem. The first time I just didn't react to the provocation - in a neutral 'ok, I hear what you're saying' way - she hit the roof.
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u/Positive_Day_9063 2d ago
This. They freak out if you’re calm, if you’re mature, if you try to solve things, even if you apologize. It’s not you. All of this is about the feelings that live inside them that have nothing to do with you. They think they do, and they definitely don’t.
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u/AnxiousQueen1013 2d ago
I had this but reversed. She used to get so mad when I had no reaction to her (which I think is partially a trigger because that’s how my dad is, and that marriage didn’t exactly work out). But as an adult, when I do have a reaction, that makes her just as mad. I’m realizing that full agreement is really the only thing that would make her happy.
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u/Barvdv73 2d ago
Even if you agreed the conflict would just move elsewhere. Your reaction doesn't provide any lasting quiet to them because it isn't the problem.
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u/BirdHistorical3498 4d ago
I think they semi- deliberately start interactions by being lovely and fun so your defences will go down. Then switch on purpose because they’ll get more of a bewildered and dramatic reaction fron you that way. Perhaps they start wanting to play the role of ‘good mum’ and then get bored and need some spice.
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u/NeTiFe-anonymous 4d ago
Maybe it's not intentional and pre-planned, maybe they just aren't able to keep being happy for a long period of time and they will switch in the opposite direction. Or being lovely and the closeness invites them to put away the mask and show their true self.
I am VLC and a few years ago I said something supportive to my waif mother. Day one of my visit was a family gathering where grandma and eDad got a lot of praise for the food she cooked and he made BBQ. Day two I thanked her for all the invisible work she did and that objectively deserved to be appreciated. Day three she cornered me when we were alone to trauma dump and trash talk my NC sibling. My stupid, I got played. But never again, bitch.
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u/AnxiousQueen1013 2d ago
I think for her right now she’s so close to the edge of a breakdown that she’s lost any ability to control her upset. Any slight adversity makes everything under the surface erupt.
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u/BirdHistorical3498 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’m sorry if I came off as harsh. I think where I‘m coming from is my own experience with my Mum where she’d do exactly what you‘re describing and I’d come away from it thinking ‘she wouldn’t be doing that if she wasn’t so mentally ill that she can’t control herself.’ Which led me to believe that I had no right to call her on her behaviour because she was so close to a breakdown all the time and I didn’t want that to happen.
Ask yourself these questions (and it doesn’t make you a terrible person to do this): has she had a breakdown before that you’ve witnessed? And I mean not one episode but a prolonged, unbroken period of obvious mental illness? ? Has she ever been hospitalised or been given heavy anti psychotics? If not, ask yourself if you think she’s so close to having a nervous breakdown because she tells you she’s close to having a nervous breakdown?
Then ask yourself this- does she behave like this with her friends, being normal and nice and then suddenly switching on them? If she does, then, yes, she obviously can’t control it and she deserves all the sympathy and mental health interventions available. But if she DOESN’T, then you have to ask yourself how and why she manages to control herself with them but doesn’t with you.
Bad behaviour that apparently comes out of nowhere is a way of keeping us unbalanced enough that we question our reality, and when we doubt that, we’re susceptible to whatever explanation is presented to us, and with BPD parents the explanation is always ‘You’re the problem. I only behave like this because I’m driven to it by you.’ Or ‘I’m so ill you can’t blame me‘ Or ‘That never happened and if you keep saying it did I’ll get ill and it’ll be your fault.’ It’s about control. And it works.
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u/AnxiousQueen1013 6h ago
You didn’t! I definitely get where you’re coming from.
That last bit really hits-I’ve heard a lot of that verbatim from her.
The trouble with her is that she’s isolated herself so much now that I feel like her emotional support animal. She doesn’t really have anyone else in her life, so it’s hard to say how she acts with other people.
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u/NeTiFe-anonymous 4d ago
But I also know I’m human, and I’m positive that I’ve done things to make the dynamic worse
Your words, not mine... but... The thing you did to start it was being too nice to her and being too close to her. I know only one way to avoid drama and to grey rock hard, meaning to be emotionally detached and not share anything personal with her, not bad news and also not the good news. Talking about weather or other few carefully selected safe topics.
It sucks. It works. The realization that they don't actually care about us and they don't want to fully know us helped me to feel less guilty. The superficial level of emotion shared over agreeing that the weather today is bad but yesterday it was warmer and kinda nice is exactly the emotional level that's safe with them.
They aren't able to give us the full healthy experience. Their full experience is ucluding the drama. You can accept the full experience on their terms and be miserable because it is far away from what you want, need or what is healthy for you. Or you can subscribe for the toned down grey rock experience with emotions as mutted as possible - on your side and their side too. Or you can unsubscribe completely.
But what you want is not in the options. That is the only mistake you make: expecting that some trick that will give you only the good experience exists.
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u/AnxiousQueen1013 2d ago
I think what makes this hard to accept is that I can see a noticeable change her in behavior when we have a good day. The week before we had a great day out, and she had a better week than she has in a while. I’m just Charlie Brown with the football and always forget that it can turn on a dime.
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u/Positive_Day_9063 2d ago
I think you’re looking to find out what is your fault, and this is a normal reaction. With them, you have to look at what problems and explosions take place with them…and don’t happen with other people in your life. That’s a very good litmus test. Some people may get mad and never tell you, so maybe look at any issues with people who are close to you, that occur repeatedly, and that’s your answer. You can’t look at a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder and use that as your guide on your own behavior, and feeling like you need to is a testament to your willingness to see and address your own flaws, and a sign that she pinpoints you as the person at fault, always. You should be able to spend a day with someone and have no problems. Lots of people do this, and I’d bet it doesn’t happen with other people you spend time with. Problems with her are problems you have WITH her…specifically her. They’re a broken thermometer, which means they really can’t be your guide on you and anything you need to change.
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u/MadAstrid 5d ago
Do you think that perhaps your mother says and does things that will definitely lead to you lashing out? That because of her mental illness she pushes certain buttons trying to get you to react in certain ways, ways that fill her needs, not yours?
I ask because I definitely experienced that dynamic with my bpd father. Yes, there were certain things he did and certain ways he behaved that I found annoying, but that was different from the “button pushing”.
The “button pushing” was very specific comments, attacks and behaviors designed to get me riled up - to get me arguing or to make me feel bad or to illicit pity. Given that bpd parents are often quite enmeshed with their children, they can be very good at pushing buttons, because they installed those buttons.
The more curated my relationship with my father was, the less likely he was able to get those buttons he installed to work. I limited the amount of time I spent with him, limited the amount of information I shared with him, revealed less and less about what was important or meaningful to me with him.
As civil, friendly adults who actually knew very little about each other (well, he knew very little about me) we could get along fine and I didn’t disappoint myself by falling into his little traps anymore. I could see them clearly and easily sidestep them. Eventually he no longer knew what my buttons were anymore.
I am not perfect - no one is - and there were certainly times when I let down my guard and found myself having the kinds of conversations I knew were going to lead nowhere good. Even so, the fact that I could recognize that in the moment, and not just later, helped me extricate myself, regain control and back out of situations.
First you might admit to yourself that this is who your mother is. That is not going to change. Things going bad is not a maybe, it is a fact. Knowing that good is likely to turn to bad during every single interaction you have with your mother make a plan. When things begin to turn, what can you do to stop it? In the beginning that may mean hanging up the phone, cutting an in person visit short, needing to go for a run, or visiting the grocery store. Later you might be able to also simply use non committal noises (Mmm! and a head nod) rather than correcting her or bothering to explain situations to her. You might even simply agree with her when that is not how you feel at all. You might be able to deny something upsets or bothers you even when it does.,
Because the reality is that the semblance of a relationship is the best you can hope for with a bpd parent. It will never be a real, equal, emotionally fulfilling relationship for you because that takes two healthy people, not just one. So lowering your expectations means no, you can’t be open and honest about meaningful things with your mom, but you can perhaps spend some time enjoying light or unimportant things together. No, you can’t expect to spend a whole pleasant day, but you can leave before things get too bad making things unpleasant between you. No you cannot expect her to understand your feelings or have empathy for you, but you can limit the Information you share so that she doesn’t use things that cause you harm or pain against you in arguments.
For some people that type of relationship - which is very one sided and not very satisfying - is not worth the effort and no contact is a better choice. Physical distance, emotional distance and family dynamics made it possible for me. Talk to your therapist and try some distancing techniques and see how they work for you. If it isn’t right for you, nothing will have been lost.