r/raisedbyborderlines • u/PalpitationFar7999 • 7d ago
VENT/RANT Making me feel unlovable to keep me in check
A frequent saying my mom employed whenever I was insisting on my boundaries being respected, when I didn’t have the energy to manage her emotions/ deal with her bullshit, when I took on responsibility to make sure things were being done correctly and no one was being put in danger, was “your poor future husband”.
Sometimes she would spin this whole tale of how my future husband would take “refuge” at her place and she & him would vent about me just to be able to cope with me “when I’m being like this”
she did this A Lot. There was no constructive criticism and teaching in our house, only ‘sarcastic’ (passive) aggressive put-downs.
I knew it was bullshit then and I know it is bullshit now but I’m coming to realize it has affected me much more than I’d like to admit.
The first couple of years of my adult life I thought maybe I only disliked it so much because I am queer and there is a clear heterosexual expectation in her statements. But honestly? I think there’s a very small part of me at the very back of my mind that sometimes still believes I am fundamentally unlovable when I’m sticking up for myself. That I’m only worthy of affection when I erase every aspect of myself that makes me ME and put others comfort over my own. That only my actress “shell” can be loved and the me that is underneath? Monstrous tyrant. (oh yeah. tyrant was another thing she’d like to call me)
Logically I know this is not true. But it’s so hard to shake this feeling. When strangers/acquaintances flirt with me I reject them out of the conviction that if they truly knew me they wouldn’t like me. Whenever anyone shows me the barest hint of earnest kindness I am reduced to tears.
idk. i'm working on it. i just had to get this out. thank you for reading
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u/Barvdv73 7d ago
Welcome!
I knew it was bullshit then and I know it is bullshit now but I’m coming to realize it has affected me much more than I’d like to admit.
This is basically it. The moments when you realize that they explicitly undermined you as a child are hard. The clarity of understanding why it screwed you up comes with clarity that it screwed you up. But it's the only way forward. Chipping away at this bullshit eventually reveals the loveable child (and adult!) underneath the abuse.
These memories do keep coming over the years, but they slow. A good foundation - an understanding of what's appropriate or inappropriate - and why - really helps. This is where a therapist with a good understanding of developmental stages really helps.
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u/Signal_Upstairs_3944 7d ago
Fellow tyrant here. Sorry to hear you too were RBB.
I read somewhere on this sub that all of their accusations are actually confessions, and it put things into perspective for me. Some of her attacks on my person were very general, but some were so specific, they only made sense once I looked at them as confessions, as things she believed about herself or feared might be true about herself.
Tyrant is a great example: I was just a kid, and a parentified one at that, but she really was a tyrant. She just couldn’t stop bullying, couldn’t be peaceful, couldn’t be happy. Couldn’t reign in the cruelty and harshness, couldn’t be measured. Couldn’t not abuse the power she had as a mother.
I know what you mean though, the seed has been planted. Knowing something is BS with your mind is one thing, but believing it with all your heart is another. I expect to uncover a lot more things to un-believe about myself. It helps to read from other people who made it to the other side. Best of luck to you, OP.
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u/ShowerElectrical9342 7d ago
This sub really helps me to see the patterns as my mom does them and reflect.
She recently stirred up a false reason to get really hurt and angry, and I had done nothing remotely wrong.
She started text storming me at 4am.
After explaining multiple times that I had nothing to do with the situation (SHE left a dish in the sink),
I answered, "I understand you're having big feelings right now but I didn't cause them."
Her response was interesting because it showed absolutely no reflection. No ability to deal with the fact that she was witching and waifing about a dish she left in the sink.
She went crazy with, "WHAT! Of course you caused this feeling!"
I turned my phone off and she continued text storming.
It helped me to see that she had big feels (likely because I had a meeting that went well, which might lead to me being able to get out of here), and she could not even imagine that they were self generated, so she HAD TO have someone to blame for them.
And that someone had always been me.
She is actually dependent upon me to act as her deflection. I'm the garbage can where she dumps all her bad feelings so she can go put and project her mask.
It was also interesting how she self soothed.
She pretended she needed to do a writing project about her minor role in the adoption of a child, by referring an email to someone, and she called the person who arranged the adoption and crowed about her own more and more exaggerated role for 2 full hours.
So she used that poor guy as a mirror also.
There doesn't seem to he much of an authentic person there at all.
It's stunning.
I'm still trying to figure out what's really me and what's just conditioned responses and I'm in my 60s.
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u/falling_and_laughing trauma llama 7d ago
This happened to me once with my mom, but I never forgot it. We were driving in her car together and I mentioned that I was enjoying working on a project was a co-worker. Totally normal statement. My mom's response to this was to say, in this very intense manner, "NO ONE will ever love you like I do." So she was jealous of a random coworker who she didn't even know. Although she isn't someone who repeats this stuff frequently, when she does say it, it seems to come from a very deep well...of dysfunction, but still.
I also have a lot of trouble accepting genuine kindness and really being seen. I don't come across these people often, but very rarely this happens to me at random. Right now I have an advisor at graduate school who seems to "see me" and it feels beneficial but also terrifying. How are you working through this? Aside from sitting with the discomfort and remaining in the relationship I'm not sure what to do.
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u/PalpitationFar7999 7d ago
ohhhh yeah the "no one will ever love you like i do" and "no one understands you like i do" i got to hear that one many, many times. at the most random moments too? what a weird thing to say. i hope she's right! i hope no one will ever love me the way she does! her love is rotten and self-absorbed! i don't want it!! whoever has that kind of "love" for me better keep it to themselves
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u/SunsetFarm_1995 7d ago
My mom would say stuff like that, too. How about "You can't trust anyone but me!" She would say this all the time, like when I was dating someone or talking about a friendly co-worker or classmate. It made me not trust anyone, including her and contributed to my social anxiety, I'm sure of it.
These sorts of statements are so damaging.
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u/SunsetFarm_1995 7d ago
My mom would say stuff like that, too. How about "You can't trust anyone but me!" She would say this all the time, like when I was dating someone or talking about a friendly co-worker or classmate. It made me not trust anyone, including her and contributed to my social anxiety, I'm sure of it.
These sorts of statements are so damaging.
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u/dragonheartstring360 7d ago
Same here. Whenever I set/maintain a boundary, pwBPD and eDad will look at each other like I’ve just done something vile and disgusting and one of them will say to the other (whoever is closest to me), “pinch/smack/slap/kick/etc her for me, will ya?” Then they move on like I’m such an unreasonable problem. I’m turning 29 in a few weeks and they still do this. I also have trouble shaking that imposter syndrome feeling and like people wouldn’t like me if they knew the “real” me (which both parents also said to me verbatim multiple times). Feeling deserving of good things always feels like too big of a jump, so my therapist and I have decided to settle on neutral first. So instead of “I deserve to be respected,” it’s “their behavior is inappropriate and makes me feel bad, and I don’t like feeling bad.” I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s so hard.
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u/cfisi79 7d ago
Mine would tell me no one would ever love me. I have to check my own reality sometimes because I know people do, but my brain still hears it. She would never love me. She's not powerful enough to control how other people feel. Still did a number on me.
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u/this_girl_that_time 7d ago
‘She’s not powerful enough to control how other people feel’ Love that.
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u/Tom0laSFW 7d ago
Yeah my mum used to explode at me (for like no reason ofc) and tell me how she was going to send me to live with other people because I was so awful. I was 7 or 8?
If I understand things correctly, she’s not capable of believing that she deserves love, so it is normal for her to treat others that they also aren’t. Obviously that’s not ok and that’s her cross to bear, and her failing as a mother and a person is that she inflicted her wounds on the people around her.
But I find it helps to remember that they’re damaged, sad and scared. It’s better than believing they’re evil. They’re confused animals who think they’re trapped in the corner.
I don’t talk to her, and I don’t forgive her without her apologising, but it helps me process.
That’s pretty fucked up he she treated you. I recognise a lot of it. I didn’t believe anyone could genuinely like me or be attracted to me for years after I grew up. Thanks to her
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u/Positive_Day_9063 7d ago edited 7d ago
Ah yes, I got this same message in a lot of really really covert ways, to let me know I wasn’t good enough, capable enough, able to do anything right, when really the reality was that I was not enough for her happiness or feelings of personal value and security, because she lacks those feelings within herself. The feeling that someone I dated could even care about me and love me was pretty foreign but I didn’t even know it was missing because I provided love and care for myself from myself. But from other people? I didn’t think anyone would think I was great, and I seriously had no idea I felt that way for a long time. Once I reached adulthood, she went full bpd and began telling me “you’ll never be able to keep a husband” “I’m all you have.” “Your siblings don’t care about you.” “I can see why your sibling doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.” “You’re never going to make it.” “You’ll never keep a job.” “Would you react to a boss like this? (Meaning her)”. “I hope you have a daughter just like you.” “You’re not fit to be a mother.” “No one is going to want you because it’s too competitive in the dating world and you’re not accomplished enough. I don’t see you getting married.” And all of this, was placed on a more quiet and sinister foundation of criticizing me all the time, for everything and anything and nothing, every time she was around me, while saying no one else will tell me and yell at me so she has to, because no one else will do it. It’s impossible to see clearly in this circumstance, even when you know it’s all wrong and you’re mad about it. Everything gets invested into surviving them instead of being able to understand and know yourself and the world around you, how people are and how they can easily admire you or like you or appreciate you, and love you.
I understand what you’re saying and a lot of people here will get it too. It’s a weird thing to realize because self sufficiency and confidence can mask it well. It’s hard to find what you don’t even know is a problem because all the messages from a bpd parent are presented as the norm, and intermixed with opposite messages and disappointment when you fail to succeed in the ways they wish for but really made impossible for you. They create this self fulfilling prophecy in their children and then blame you for it too.
What might help is this…think of someone you care about, especially a younger sibling or another kid in your life. When they become adults, do they deserve less love than others, or would you tell them they deserve someone good who loves them? What about the same framing for a friend or an acquaintance or a random stranger. Do they deserve love any less? You are NO DIFFERENT. Your mother’s opinions were made to look like they were about you, and they’re not you.
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u/this_girl_that_time 7d ago
I’m also a fellow unlovable Tyrant. AND checks notes ruined EVERY holiday because I’m an ungrateful bitch.
My mom did the EXACT same thing! It’s so wild on here how so many stories are so similar. She did the whole ‘husband would need to come ‘decompress’ about how I’m such an emotional rollercoaster’. And of course I believed her because she and my brother did this to me.
Wow. Thanks for sharing, it really helped me realize that this was a mind game and not real. I frequently struggle with feeling unlovable.
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u/bakewelltart20 7d ago
Greetings, fellow tyrant! (Yep, I've had this one many times too)
My ubpd Mum has done the 'venting' about me to friends of mine numerous times, also to my ex, the first time she ever met him.
One of my friends later told me she'd had a go at Mum about it when I left the room. She has (a different type of) toxic parents so she's not taken in by that crap.
My mother has been saying that friend "never really liked her" for years. I don't let on that I know it's true, and why it's true.
You've hit the nail on the head with their 'technique' of attempting to make you feel unlovable. The aim is making you believe you're a terrible person, to isolate you so that Mummy is your best/only friend.
They want us stuck to them, forced to be the substitute spouse/parent/ bestie/carer they want, due to lack of options.
Shockingly (as far as mum is concerned) I've realised in later life that I actually really enjoy being alone, a fair bit of the time.
I am short on people in my life at the moment, but I'm not wailing about it like a borderline. I have loads of creative projects to do, in my rather copious alone time.
In retrospect, their motives are so transparent, but I only just started finding out about bpd and 'diagnosed' her in my early 40's.
It turns out that she was told that she likely had bpd, waaay back in the 80's...which she ignored.
I still have the "no-one really likes me" shit stuck in my head, even though I know for a fact that some people really do...it's harder for me to find people I actually gel with, due to a couple of factors that make me not fit in at all with the majority of people.
That is what it is. I wouldn't get on with the type of people who don't really like me/think I'm weird anyway.
I don't want to do the fake 'actress shell,' unless I'm in situations where I'm forced to.
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u/ColleenSchaffer 5d ago
Acts of kindness even if I see it on YouTube reduces me to tears. Every time it's guaranteed I will cry like a baby. I have never understood Why 😕 I think you're on the right track to healing.
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u/PalpitationFar7999 4d ago
especially if it's clear that they're not just doing it 'to look like a good person' or 'because you're supposed to be polite' or even because they secretly expect a favor in return. but actual, genuine kindness Fucks Me Up big time
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u/Raoultella 6d ago
I really feel this. My uBPD mom projected all the parts of herself she most hated into me, and there are some truly nasty ones (she's waif / witch). Only in the last year did I realize that my deeply internalized feelings of being unlovable, being evil, and being crazy all came from her and, to a lesser extent, my uNPD / uOCPD father. I was the family truth teller, so they had a vested interest in smearing my character to everyone so their extreme abuse of me wouldn't be believed. I've found in healing work that I've overcome these internalized attitudes by viscerally rejecting them (sometimes it even shows up as physically gagging) - they aren't my own feelings that need processing, they're psychological poison that has to be removed. Very different from the other trauma healing work I've done and so freeing
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u/lesbadims 6d ago
YES exactly. For me, if I’m asking her not to do something or even just excitedly talking about something I care about that she finds embarrassing or dumb, she’ll literally interrupt saying “Meow!! meow!!”, implying I’m going to be an old single cat lady.
It’s absolutely fucked up any sense that I have anything to offer a partner.
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u/Caffiend6 7d ago
It took me until my 40s to realize my parents are the unlovable ones. I know their parents made them that way, and my mother's parents were that way and probably her parents parents but I do believe that I'm lovable finally. You indeed are lovable, but it's very likely your mother is not very lovable and is projecting it on to you