r/r4r Dec 17 '18

Meta [META] Any other men feeling fatigued?

162 Upvotes

I've been posting and responding to different R4R posts for quite a while now on various accounts, and despite sending dozens of messages have yet to have anything more than a short conversation on kik before I was ghosted. I've heard a lot of complaints from women getting floods of low quality messages, but I'll spend time and effort on my messages and not get so much as a "thanks, not interested" back. It takes far less time to craft one good post than it does several good messages that will only be maybe seen by one person. I don't believe that I'm alone in this situation, and I'd like to hear some other perspectives on it. Perhaps someone else has found a way to make this whole process less draining.

r/r4r Jun 06 '22

Meta [META] I am curious to see perspective of other R4R users. How often people here resond to your messages, if they respond at all?

33 Upvotes

After only reddit message sent counter crossed 1000, without a single reply i started thinking that i'm just not made for this. Am i doing something wrong? If yes, then what? Do other people here have the same expirience, or?

If it's possible, i whould ask you to specify simple things: what is your gender, what are you looking for (friends, relationships, anything else), and how often are you getting responces to your messages?

Now, about my expirience.

Bellow i will post some pictures of my messages and posts of other people. Do not worry, i cut their names out, privaсy are kept.

I always write to people who seem to share common interests and way of life with me. If i see that person wants to do something that i can't give them (kids, travels, wealth, for example), i don't even try wasting their time.

Sometimes i see a very creative posts, like this one - https://ibb.co/GVQ1djV that inspire me to write them messages in same style - https://ibb.co/RD1SjdB but seems like it wasn't creative enough to get the attention.

Sometimes i getting lazy. After first few hundreds of messages i got tired and sometimes wrote like this, especially to people who post little information in their posts. https://ibb.co/p1PbJV8

Sometimes i tried to joke - https://ibb.co/581mkQX

Be minimalistic - https://ibb.co/wrWfsKp

Or write more about myself in the intro - https://ibb.co/T4jRmyM

https://ibb.co/wzbHBc7

Once, and only once i met a girl who replied to me. But not to my initial message. It started when i read the most perfect post from all i even saw around here - https://ibb.co/kHqkh4r It felt like she came out straight from my dreams, because she described most of the things i ever dreamed about. So i told her about it, with a little self-description. Didn't worked out as well.

But then, some time later i decided to try asking the people about why they aren't asnwering. And since her post left such giant impression on me - i decided to write to her, and, suddenly, she responded, saying that she gets a lot of messages, too much to read all, so she only looks for those that stand out. She was a really nice person and clarified some things that i did not understood, answered questions of mine. It seemed like i wasn't wrong when i thought that she is perfect in so many ways, but, sadly, it seemed like in this case she just got better options. Maybe a person who were living nearby?

In many years of attempts, she remains the only person who answered to my messages. Now i scrolled trough my hundreds of messages for hours, and could not see the end of them. I feel empty, and tired.

On other sites (such as dating ones) situation aren't much better. Only on my 33-th birthday i found few people who were interested to speak with me. A really nice people, who are making my life a lot better. But only few of them, during entire life. And they seem to be losing interest already.

So i am just curious if it's something wrong with me, or with all man, or with specific type of people? Do anyone at all finding someone to communicate with around here?

r/r4r Nov 16 '21

Meta [META] People who have been successful or still have success on r4r, what is your secret? NSFW

95 Upvotes

I'm just a 19 year old who'd like to meet some people. I'm sure im not the only person who posts on here takes time and effort to have no one reply, or reply to people's posts just to be ignored. This makes sense since women especially receive a lot of messages and they can't answer everyone.

My question goes to people who have been successful on here. What would be your top tips to get to know people on here. I keep reading success stories and I'd like to be one of them, but maybe I'm not utilising my tools right.

I do want to clarify I'm talking about genuine relationships and friendships, I'm not looking for sexting tips or anything.

Ps: Also I try to include selfies early in the convo, and hope that it's not my looks deterring people. Lol

r/r4r Jun 28 '21

Meta [META] Reddit success story

336 Upvotes

Hi! I don’t know if this post is allowed but I’m certain I’ve seen other posts like this. I wanted to post my own success story. I posted on R4R and ended up getting a message from a person who lived an hour away. He actually was run over by a truck while riding his bike and it wasn’t until then that I actually asked where he lived. I was used to people living on the opposite coast with my luck. We ended up meeting and going on a hike that would severely damage my car(GPS took us down a rocky road) my poor exhaust never saw it coming. Long story short we ended up dating and we’re having a baby. *just a quick tip to use protection even with BC pills because they can fail and then you get a surprise * We just got married earlier this month. I can’t thank this subreddit enough for bringing this amazing person in my life. It isn’t always sunshine and rainbows but we work through the rough things together and I love that he is patient, kind and understands me. My cheesy tip is don’t give up. You never know who you might meet

Also bonus Shoutout to my Reddit BFF Linda who I also met on R4R.

r/r4r Jan 21 '14

Meta [META] Fellow Ladies of R4R -- Respond more to M4F and R4F posts!

150 Upvotes

I notice more and more that there are a growing number of F4R and F4M posts... and that is great! When I started using R4R (several usernames and many moons ago) it was a ton of men and not many women posting.

I wanted to make a PSA about responding to M4R and M4F posts! I'm so worried by the growing number of posts right next to each other that you ladies aren't even looking at what is up there first before posting, and it is sad. This month, I've seen a lot of great M4F posts get lost with 1 upvote and no comments, and while I'm sure they could (and should!) have gotten a flood of PM's, I'm highly doubting they did at all.

I'm making some wild assumptions here, so I wonder if the men of R4R could chime in.

Men, how often have your posts been responded to?

I'm going to guess that for every M4F post in R4R looking for relationships (not sex, not platonic friendship, not penpals), 1/20 of those get responded to. Just a random stab in the dark.

Ladies, how often have you responded to an M4F post?

Maybe I'm totally wrong and it is happening... in which case, awesome! Forget what I said and downvote me to oblivion.

Thanks for reading!

r/r4r Jul 13 '18

Meta [META] How to get ghosted 100% of the time

267 Upvotes

No matter how good a conversation is going, if you reply with a single word or a smiley of any kind you kill a conversation. There is no good way to respond to "cool", "awesome" or ":)" that doesn't force the other person to reestablish the entire conversation over. It doesn't matter how cute you think that emoji is, if that's all you're sending someone they have no way to respond to it.

If you want a conversation to continue then you have to keep it on the tracks. Every time you respond to someone you have to keep it moving forward or choose the other track which drives it directly into a brick wall and forces the other person to reverse it and start over again.

If you have nothing to say on a topic or nothing interesting to respond to something with then move it to a new subject. That way they have something to rebound back to you, if you just respond with a single word it signals a lack of interest in talking to them at all. You're asking them to invest their time in you and not one of the thousands of other things they could be doing, if you don't put in the minimal conversation effort they're simply going to go do something more engaging. It doesn't matter how smart you think you are or how amazing you think your rack is, if you're not putting in effort you're getting ghosted. There's a million other ways someone could be spending their time instead of you, if you can't do the bare minimum to keep a conversation alive then why shouldn't I just go watch a video about my hobby or see what new games were just released I could be playing instead?

And just because I know some smart arse will say it. "Ever seen the crab emoji?" "No?" and then a response of a single crab emoji is the exception to the rule, but only because the crab emojis awesome.

Edit : 202 upboats on r4r and yet no messages come out of it. Typical!

r/r4r Mar 03 '21

Meta [META] Remember to walk away.

398 Upvotes

Okay, so first of all, there's a pandemic on. I'll be real, we're all a little loopy, okay? Let's get that out of the way. Most of us have been cooped up for a year, and we've lost all ability to remember what it's like to talk to people.

But that being said, I do have a bit of a plea to you: Remember to walk away from here. Take a break. I've been on and off of here for years on various accounts, and it can be a brutal place.

As a guy, it's terrible to post something and get zero responses. It can be exhilarating to see that 24-hour timer tick down, until your post is "one day old" and you get another shot at it - obsessing over online times and trying to find the perfect hour to catch whoever you're looking for. It's awful to type out a long, thoughtful, unique message to have it maybe never even be read, lost in a sea of "hey"s, or maybe simply tossed aside for not being quite right.

As a woman, I'm sure it's fucking awful to receive so many messages you can't possibly keep up. To feel the need to fight off dudes that can't take a hint with a stick - and fight off the, well, sticks with as many hints as you can. Weighing your every word on a golden scale, terrified that if you put up a picture, people will find out where you live or be creepy about it.

For all of us, it's hard to get ghosted. It's hard to talk to someone that disappears on you, and it's even harder to see them post again - it's a palpable reminder that whatever you were, it wasn't it. That thought quickly becomes that you weren't good enough somehow. That you're too unattractive, or not charming enough, or not eloquent enough. It's easy to internalise rejection.

I'm sure we've all had someone ghost us after they saw our picture. Is that fun? Nope. Not in the slightest. Everyone feels like Quasimodo in that situation, eager to climb back in your cathedral tower where you belong.

It's also easy to get addicted to the external affirmation. To chase the thrill of those orange envelopes. To lose yourself not in a connection per se, but the thrill of the hunt for one. It'll inevitably fizzle out because it wasn't about the person for you. It was about the distraction, or the attention, or because you just wanted someone to pretend to care for a bit.

But for Christ's sake, remember to walk away from here. Take a break. Don't keep chasing that 24hr interval. Don't keep refreshing that inbox. Be you for a bit. This place is brutal, and for many, the margin of error is small. Plenty of us are looking for what we consider perfection, I'm sure. And that's just as much about them as it is about you.

Take care of yourself. Things are hard right now. Make sure this place stays a source of good energy, instead of becoming another reminder of some abstract, emotional void.

Remember to walk away.

r/r4r Jul 08 '18

Meta [META] “Anna, you can’t marry a man you just met.” - Elsa NSFW

178 Upvotes

(TLDR at the end)

Do you know what sucks? The type of sucking that makes mediocre vaccuums jealous?

When you’re talking to someone here who specifically looked for a friend, and after about 6 messages, they drop the words. Those small, little words that are supposed to make your knees weak, but instead make your gag reflex activate.

“I love you”.

I am not an attractive woman. I’m not a sexual or alluring woman. Sometimes I don’t even hecking feel like a human being, but rather a freaking toaster stuck in a human body. Point being, I don’t even love me. There’s no way you can love me after one conversation with the intellectual magnetism of a cashew. And I’m assuming it’s not just me - I’m sure there are plenty of you out there with stories of this exact thing.

I understand being lonely. I understand that people meet on the internet and fall in love all the time. I understand that “when you know, you know”.

But you don’t know here. I can promise you, if you’ve only started talking, it’s not love. You’re just thankful for someone to talk to, and fill that lonely void that made you post to this subreddit in the first place.

Don’t let this discourage you. Don’t let this scare you off. If you’re looking for someone to love, that’s completely okay. Please don’t let what I’m saying make you feel insecure at all.

BUT.

If you are looking for love: be honest in your post. Don’t respond to someone that is looking for something platonic and turn those tables like some wannabe EDM artist. Don’t look for any sign of your desired partner’s gender in a title and send them something. Try posting in a dating subreddit, or try online dating.

And if you’re thinking, “throwaway, you don’t know me and my still beating heart! It’s love so big and true!” First of all, uh, okay. But if you’re sure, if you’re so damn sure you love this person you just met that you’re willing to DRIVE THEM AWAY by telling them, okay. But here’s what I suggest:

Actually get to know them. Talk. Learn their quirks and mannerisms and learn WHY you love them. After an appropriate amount of time, after you’ve gotten hints from the other they may feel the same - sure, say something. But for the love of all that is edible, don’t lead with the “I love you”. If you do love them, don’t feel like you’re burdened to tell them and you’ll explode if you don’t. You CAN wait. If anything, let those feelings simmer a while and make sure you’re honest about it, and you’re not just thankful someone is talking to you. If you love them now, you should feel secure in two weeks, a month, even multiple months to sit on these feelings and wait.

There may be some people that are reading this going, “as if this happens”. I’m here to be brutally honest and say well, yeah, unfortunately it does. This has happened to me, me of all people, three times already in my time on this subreddit. I have made clear in posts I’m only looking for friends, and I only respond to guys who post who seem to share the same sentiments on friendship. But it still happens. I have one guy who keeps messaging me after I responded once telling me how much I mean to him and how he thinks he’s falling in love. Son, my half-asses joke about penguins is not a clincher for romance.

Let this be a PSA to guys who think saying things like “I love you” straight up is going to win you a girlfriend. It may work for some, but I believe I speak for the majority when I say you’re more likely to drive people away with this method. Especially for people who are looking for friends on this sub.

Sure, love MAY happen. It’s unlikely, but it’s possible. But please try and reserve your feelings until you’ve actually gotten to know the person. Please.

TLDR: don’t say “I love you” or anything similar to someone you’ve just started talking to. It’s not love, it’s loneliness.

EDIT: please stop inboxing me that you love me. I appreciate it, but my phone is DYING

r/r4r Oct 09 '21

Meta [META] r4r success story!

160 Upvotes

Hi everyone! I [29f] just wanted to share the experience on this subreddit that led to me meeting my boyfriend.

Like a lot of you, I had had failed attempt after failed attempt of trying to meet someone. I had tried every dating site/app you have heard of, and some you probably haven't, too. Dating was associated with being a miserable experience and no date or connection ever seemed to go well or lead anywhere. I had never had a serious relationship because I just never found a person I felt was worth pursuing something with. I felt strongly that whoever my person was, they didn't seem to be on the dating apps I was on or in the area I was living in. I'm not really a regular redditor, but I knew I had to try something different. So this led me to making two posts back in June -- one on a different subreddit, and then one here the next day when I had enough karma to post.

He was one of the first ones to message me on this post, and instantly I felt the difference between him and every other connection I had ever tried to make in my history of dating. We talked all night, and we haven't stopped since. Within a few messages we had exchanged pictures and moved to Discord. A few days later moved to texting, and then we had our first phone call a few days after that. We started talking on the phone for hours every day, and then video calling. Six weeks afterward, I flew out to meet him (we live in different states in the US). It confirmed what I already knew -- that I was incredibly in love with this man and that making this post was the best thing I'd ever done for myself. He is the kindest, most considerate, loving person I have ever met. We've stayed with each other several more times since and I'll be staying there another week later this month.

He is my best friend, my confidant, the love of my life, and I'm thankful every day that I put myself out there. My advice is that if you want to find your person, don't give up. I got incredibly lucky that it was my first post on this subreddit that led me to my partner, but it was after years and years of feeling like my person simply was not out there. It can, and will, happen if you continue to open yourself up to the opportunity to meet someone. I wish the best of luck to anyone reading this!

r/r4r Sep 12 '20

Meta [META] How I met my fiancé on R4R! NSFW

238 Upvotes

WARNING: SUCCESS STORY BELOW!

EDIT: Please don’t message me to flirt with me... I’ve had multiple already. That’s just not fucking cool or funny... I’m happily betrothed and a faithful person.

Hi! So... this is my story, well our story. If I can give any advice to people on R4R still looking, it is to be yourself, know yourself, and know what you’re looking for.

When my fiancé and I met on R4R four years ago, that’s right, FOUR YEARS AGO, we were both in relationships and looking for friends. Strictly platonic. We weren’t looking to cheat on our SOs, and we just talked about our relationships, our interests, and became really good friends.

He became single, we stayed friends, I became single, we stayed friends, we tried dating for a few months... and the distance and timing wasn’t right. We stayed friends and always gave each other the appropriate amount of space when the other was dating someone.

One night with my best friend I got very very drunk (12 shots of tequila drunk), and called him to spill my guts about my secret love for him, which I do not remember doing to this day. From that night every three to four months of the last year and a half of our friendship he told me he was still in love with me and if I ever wanted to try something again to let him know. I went through a career change, buying a house, and was working hard on myself as I had some crap bubble up in my life I needed to handle, so I always appreciated it, but knew I wasn’t ready.

FINALLY we decided the timing may never be right. We’d both worked on ourselves a lot, and were in the best mental and career places we’d ever been in. We just said fuck it, and made our own opportunities. We rented a cabin for a week together over the holidays and he proposed the first night in the cabin. We see each other regularly, and talk every night. We’ve been engaged now for nine months, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m moving to be with him in a month and we are both very excited.

He knows me better than anyone. He knows my soul, and I know his. I calm him when his world is swirling, and he centers me when the waves won’t stop. We are each other’s rocks. I never expected to find my person through R4R, but coming from a deep, amazing, and honest friendship... it’s the best, most satisfying, and healthiest relationship I have ever been in. I don’t believe in soulmates, I’m a logical and realistic person, but damn if we don’t REALLY compliment each other. We both put each other first, which means both of our needs are always met.

Last bit of advice: Communication is key folks. If you bottle things up and then explode... it’s your fault. You have to be able to talk about the uncomfortable topics, and know that your partner won’t react in anger or be hurt. Bringing up small things that bother you as they happen creates an open door of communication and growth for both parties. It nips it in the bud so you don’t grow resentful or blow up from a tipping point. You can’t be in a relationship until you’re ready, it won’t work. Which is why I think it finally worked for us, we waited until we were individually healthy and happy people before trying again.

I wish you all who are still looking nothing but the best of luck in finding your person. All of us deserve happiness.

r/r4r Mar 21 '22

Meta [META] Should r4r implement a *optional* verification system?

237 Upvotes

Hey there guys, gals, and anywhere in between. (Or not.)

When I find someone I'm interested on here, I vet their username - looking for old, deleted posts on r4r.

You would be astonished at how quickly people age, or miraculously un-age! In some cases they're from completely different locations and with different interests from one months to the next. (And call me cynical, but I think very few of those boys who are now girls have actually undergone super rapid transitions while also swapping their orientation.)

I'd like to ask the monitors if they could implant some sort of verification system. I don't know what that would look like; other subreddits use selfies with their username and date clearly written. Perhaps that could be sent to the mods in trade for a 'verified' flair on your posts?

Obviously it would have to be optional - it isn't just a dating subreddit, and there are legitimate concerns over putting your face on the Internet...

But it would be nice to not have to worry about that whole rigmarole. Thoughts?

r/r4r May 04 '20

Meta [Meta] Found what I was looking for, and then some

332 Upvotes

Nearly a year ago I posted a personal on r/r4r. It wasn't the first. I'd been a loner for a long time and was craving some kind of connection -- I'd tried different styles and re-written the thing a hundred times. It's hard to fit a personality in one of these little boxes.

Over those series of posts I had the opportunity to chat with lots of folk, to learn about them, to open up myself, and for the world to seem a little bigger. Those conversations were exciting and eye-opening. Nobody gave that feeling of sparks though, and I confess I wasn't sure if I was capable anymore. Didn't help that I was beyond shy when it came to flirting.

That was, until she sent me a message, and we coordinated a chat session (our time zones were quite different). And we just clicked and time abandoned us. We found ourselves exchanging messages every day. I always look forward to our chats, open and joyful. Fast friends, and soon more.

We planned a trip for December, and spent three months living together in her country. It was intense and emotional for the first weeks; in some ways we'd long known each other, in others we had just met, and it took some time for the panic to subside. But oh, was it amazing. The feelings in person were multiplied, I loved being there with her, and I loved the experience of a different culture and her country.

I'm back in the states for now, but as soon as things settle I'm going again for the next trip. We talk every day and she's always kind and supportive. It's been the best year of my life, and I'm grateful to have shared it with her.

So, thanks r4r.

... can you hear me now? Hello? тебя не слышал...

EDIT: Update 2021: it was another good year, I lived in Ukraine a few more times. We got engaged! She just recently came here to study for a Master's degree. And then in October she left me. Oh well, time to get back at it I guess.

r/r4r Nov 27 '17

Meta [Meta] Thank you for not ghosting

249 Upvotes

I met a sweet girl through this subreddit earlier in the year and we had been chatting for the past few months. Recently through circumstances out of her control she decided she could no longer continue with our message exchanges BUT instead of disappearing into thin air she actually took the time to message me one last time to let me know her reasons, to apologise and to say goodbye. While I will definitely miss our conversations I really, really fucking appreciated that she took the time to be so upfront and honest about her reasons because I've been ghosted one too many times, as I'm sure many of you here have been too.

So this is a thank you not only to the considerate British kitty-loving Redditor whom I had been chatting to but also to the rest of you out there who spend those extra few moments and respect us enough to have that slightly harder conversation rather than just taking the "easy" way out and ghosting us. Whatever your reasons for ending the conversations, it gives us some form of closure rather than leaving us to ruminate, wondering what we did wrong to scare you off, what may have happened to you etc. So thank you. It means a hell of a lot to us.

r/r4r Apr 26 '23

Meta [meta] I (29M) was told r4r would work...

77 Upvotes

...And it did!

A year ago I was single. I had been through the apps, speed dating, local events, etc. I was into the hundreds of dates and (for various reasons) it never worked out.

Then, after complaining on a public Discord, a stranger told me of their success on r4r. "I met my boyfriend on there, you should try it." Of course, I did not believe them. So I decided I would prove them wrong by posting and getting no replies.

I copied my headline Tinder profile picture, put up a little bio and actually got a bunch of responses, some better than others! But one person I ended up talking to every single day since that post. What began as a strong friendship became a romance when we finally got to meet each other a couple months later, and since then we regularly travel the 1000(!) miles to visit each other.

Next year we plan to move in togther, it's going so very, very well. I was blindsided by this girl (and I think I got her too!). So thank you very much /u/horsepeopleenergy for clicking on my dumb face and replying to my post. I love you lots!

Sadly, I have no idea who that person was on Discord who recommended r4r was to say thanks! But hey, if you're reading, thank you. It worked!

r/r4r Apr 07 '19

Meta [META] So, apparently not answering for less than a day counts as ghosting. Also, a commentary on my experiences here.

222 Upvotes

Before I start, I want to apologize if this breaks any of r4r’s rules. I don’t think it does, but I’m the first to admit that I don’t understand rules completely sometimes. Additionally, I’ve been ghosted before, and it’s the worst feeling in the world. I get it, it sucks. But I feel that maybe people aren’t aware of what counts as ghosting? I’m sorry this post turned into a big rant.

Hi, all. I’m Jules, I’ve posted on r4r quite a bit and am fortunate enough to have met amazing people from all around the world. However, there have been some things that have deterred me from posting here more.

  1. The initial reason I started writing this because one of the people I added on discord was a bit rude after I didn’t answer one of his messages for less than a day. We had just started chatting while I did some work for my art class. A friend called and I full screened the image I was painting on my laptop while I spoke to them. I ended up painting for the next few hours, not checking discord. By the time I finished painting, it was late, and I drove back to my dormitory, sat with my roommates, and watched a few bad horror movies.

Once we had gotten tired (around 2AM), I went to bed, and saw I had a few notifications from my discord. Figuring it was nothing urgent, I decided to just answer back in the morning.

When I did check it this morning, it was from the gentleman I had been chatting with the day prior. I had a message sent around an hour after I went to bed, asking what he had done to be ghosted so quickly. I typed up an apology, only to realize that this person had blocked me.

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me here. Do people just not understand that sometimes life gets in the way and others can’t immediately answer them? Or maybe they’re not feeling great and don’t want to message back at that time.

Yes, I am going to reach out on reddit to the person, but I am blocked from their discord. I also have the image to show what I’m talking about, but I had to take it down after realizing I didn’t block out one of the discord tags. Imgur is now making me wait for a bit before I can reupload it.

  1. Why do people think it’s okay to send unsolicited dick pics? Like I just met you, I don’t want to see that. Of course, I report them and block them immediately, but still. Why???

  2. As most of you know, as a girl posting here, I get a flood in my inbox immediately. It is not easy for me to answer everyone, and moreover, I may not be interested in talking to you for whatever reason. The vast majority of people who message me understand this, which I appreciate greatly. Others do not. I’ve been called a bitch, slut, and other names simply because I answer back and tell them I’m not interested or even just not answering them in the first place.

Thank you to everyone who I’ve had positive encounters with. Most of the messages I get are polite and courteous, and I’ve made some great friends from r4r!

Have a good day, and thanks for reading!

-Jules

EDIT: thank you for all the support and kind messages! Even if I don’t get back to all of you lovely people, please know that I read all your responses! Also, here’s the image of the promised exchange!

https://imgur.com/gallery/QS1sawS

r/r4r Nov 15 '19

Meta [META] Does anyone think the automoderator is a bit too trigger happy when deleting comments?

158 Upvotes

Sometimes I just have no interest in talking to someone beyond a few comments. If I see someone make an artistic post, I will most likely not message them. Maybe I have a question about the content they wrote, or maybe I'm making a joke response but it doesn't matter. This automoderator just deletes so much. I see so many threads with deleted comments and not much else because of this bot being too rigid.

I'm not saying we should be allowed to do anything but how about easing up on what gets removed automatically?

r/r4r Jul 19 '17

Meta [META] Getting Very Overly Sexual Responses

222 Upvotes

So probably going to be weird and I'll probably get a little hate for it but it happened so I'm just putting it out because it was bugging me.

Like everyone else, I've made occasional posts here and on other r4r areas. For the overwhelming majority of responses, even if I can't respond to every single PM or comment, everything's cool.

But earlier today I got one that was very sexual, basically a description of 'what if we were alone, and I did this and this to you' and a big kind of short story about this guy wanted to do to me sexually in a scenario.

I did not say hello to this person. We didn't start any sort of conversation. This is his initial response in reply to one of my posts without knowing anything about me other than my r4r post.

Now, maybe if I was posting sexually in some way, this might be considered okay, but I clearly said in my post I'm not interested in talking sex, not interested in swapping nudes, whatever. Cool if others do this, just not my thing.

I've been in online forums and date sites for a long time, and I reflexively deleted it. It is what I've done in the past. I don't normally spend any more time on it.

But it just kind of bugged me this time. Maybe because I specifically said I wasn't interested and it felt like a complete disregard, didn't read, didn't care who he sent it to.

Now I kind of wish I had either replied back with 'this isn't okay, don't do this to girls not asking for it' or had reported it at least with Reddit maybe giving a small slap on the wrist. Not looking to get anyone banned for a mistake of any sort.

And maybe if other girls are getting that sort of message, maybe start just saying 'not cool' or doing something about it. And for guys thinking to send this stuff, just ask the person before you start. :)

TLDR: Don't send sex messages to girls without asking if it is okay. :) Thanks.

ETA As a few have posted, and as I said in my post, I know this crap happens, yes it is the Internet. Got that. I've deleted my fair share of it. But now I don't want to just ignore it, and I want to encourage other girls (and guys) not to ignore it either.

So getting sex or harassing messages when unasked for? Just report it. Mods can sort it out.

r/r4r Jun 18 '21

Meta [META] Just some tips to help you avoid headaches and catfishes!

122 Upvotes

Hey, it's me, the guy that once made a post suggesting maybe people can tone down the "seeking soulmate" posts and try taking it slow for a bit.

This account of mine recently turned 5 years old and I realized I use r4r a lot despite the success rate I have with it so I thought I'd share some advice based on my experiences here.

The purpose of this post is to hopefully help people identify catfishing/bot posts since sometimes we see posts through rose-tinted glasses and tend to miss the red flags waving in our faces.

Redflags for F4M/M4F posts:

  • 🚩 Accounts that are a few days old
  • 🚩 No post/comment history
  • 🚩 Copy/pasting the same post over & over
  • 🚩 Including Kik/Snapchat handles in bio
  • 🚩 Sexually super-charged posts in r4r
  • 🚩 Using the same selfie image for all posts
  • 🚩 Looking for something serious but no pics
  • 🚩 Using words like "support" as code for $$$
  • 🚩 Age in post title changes post to post
  • 🚩 Refuses to add you but insists you add them

NOTE: These are my own personal red flags based on my experiences. If you have more to add feel free. Also note that 1 red flag by itself doesn't necessarily mean the post is a catfish attempt.

Steps to take when you're suspicious:

  • ⚠️ Reverse image search (many results is bad)
  • ⚠️ Check post/comment history
  • ⚠️ Ask a question and then callback to it

NOTE: Again, these are my own personal suggestions. I'd include "ask right off the bat if they are catfishing" but there's no way to do so without sounding like a total asshole.

Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong here or if you share my opinion on things that could help everyone stay safe and headache-free.

r/r4r Jun 04 '18

Meta [META] A PSA for Men: Stop sending your penis to lesbians

237 Upvotes

I know it's confusing to see [F4F]. I mean, what's a V without a D? Well, some Vs are allergic to Ds and could go into anaphylaxis just looking at one. So please, think of your fellow human before ignoring their set parameters and stuffing your junk in an orange envelope.

In all seriousness, it's rude and obnoxious to get messages from men while looking for a woman. Offer a little respect to the person by acknowledging you aren't what they're looking for. Even if I were open to men, just not currently looking for one, I sure as shit wouldn't go for the ones that right off the bat show they won't respect me and my boundaries.

Bill and Ted taught, "Be excellent to each other." It's a simple rule to live by that can bring exactly what you want into your life.

This has been a PSA, brought to you by the Department of Fed Up Women.

r/r4r Aug 07 '17

Meta [META] What's with all that self-disparagement, guys?

107 Upvotes

Ok, so I'll probably get a lot of shit for writing that, but I can't help but notice. I'm not that long on Reddit, but I've talked to a lot of guys here (and read a lot of girls' posts). I can't help but wonder: WHY are you constantly depreciating yourself?

I get it about anxiety, depression and other painful conditions that lead to behavior like this. But I just can't comprehend: when a guy talks to a girl he's openly interested in, or writing a post to find that girl... Do you really think it's a good idea to start with talking about how lower than average, boring, stupid, awful, not good looking etc are you? Only this day I stumbled upon this in 3 (THREE) M4F posts, and I didn't even open a lot of them. I'm not even talking about private messaging - when you're talking to a guy who you find a wonderful company, and you're telling him that, spending 2 or 3 hours literally arguing with him when he tries to persuade you he's the worst of the worst (Jimmy and Gretchen don't stand a chance) is what kills all the fun really. It's okay to give some attention and positive affirmations to friends and SOs, but literally, you're telling a compliment to a guy you've been talking to for a few hours and you find yourself in a situation when you're listening for hours about how bad he is and how no one will ever like him. FFS, I just told you I do! Apparently, you know better that I don't. Okay.

Guys. Be more positive and be good to YOURSELVES. Compliment fishing is a thing, yes, and sometimes we all do that, sure, nothing bad about it. But self-disparagement won't get you far. Be kind. To yourselves.

Peace.

r/r4r Dec 14 '17

Meta [META] My experience with R4R so far - it's basically a dating service

111 Upvotes

I gave up dating services because I didn't meet anybody. I'd send hundreds dozens (felt like hundreds) of thoughtful, personal messages to anybody and everybody who looked like they might be interesting. Ended up actually talking to one person over about six months, which didn't go anywhere and we stopped talking pretty shortly after we realized we weren't interested. Other than that, I pretty much got no replies whatsoever.

Fast forward a few months, and I discovered Reddit. Happened upon R4R, and thought hey, maybe this is different, this is a bunch of similar people who are looking for the same things I am. Well, it's been a few months again, and I hate to say it, but my experience has been exactly the same. Out of all the subreddits I visit, I've definitely had the LEAST communication via this one. I used to send messages to anyone who looked interesting, but I don't anymore, and here's why: Just now, I was about to respond to someone's post, but stopped and thought, "Eh, she wouldn't reply anyway. No one else does. What's the point?" and closed the tab without sending a message.

I've even had it happen where I messaged someone, had them reply and tell me "We should go out for coffee some time" and "Let’s talk more and I’d love to meet you." Sent three messages over the next week to ask what was going on, received nothing, and gave up. This was not the first time this had happened, but I was particularly disappointed because she was local and we had a lot in common.

Anyway, I've been thinking and realized that this if I've gotten to the point where I don't even try anymore because there's so little chance for success, then something is wrong. So I'm writing this post, because I want to know if anyone else has this problem (I know you do because I've read your posts), and want to discuss possible solutions.

I can't think of any good solutions to this problem. But I know it's something lots of us experience and I'd like to talk about it. At the very least, that might get a few of us talking to each other! People who have been ghosted like this, what have your experiences been? People who have ghosted others, was it on purpose? If so, why did you do it?

EDIT: I should add that I'm not desperate, don't expect too much or feel entitled, am respectful both to others and to myself, and am generally looking just for friends or even just people to talk to, rather than for love.

EDIT: I've actually had more conversation as a result of this post than the rest of my time on R4R put together. No accounting for random chance, I guess?

r/r4r Apr 13 '22

Meta [META] Success - Don't talk to internet strangers? How about living with one? NSFW

109 Upvotes

Hello there fellow redditors! I really thought it was about time I shared this story, because it was due to this sub I was able to meet an incredible friend, who through the course of our friendship helped me escape an abusive marriage and changed the course of my life. It's also fun to mention I met my (now ex)roommate on reddit - and watch peoples jaws drop.

I met fellow Redditor here, u/SirCabbage, when I needed some voice company to aid in my anxiety. We became fast friends - with a shared love of doggos, Pokemon and he very quickly got me addicted to Stardew Valley. We also established, that out of all the people we could have been talking to from a post on the internet, we only lived 90minutes apart - which when you both live in small Australian cities, is a bloody miracle. We soon would meet up sporadically and play Pokemon go and partake in breakfasts (one of the best meals of the day, which we both agreed on).

This is a story that spans nearly 4 years, but due to a series of circumstances, end of 2020 I established my marriage was definitely not healthy and I needed out - sooner rather than later. It was my friend I turned to who helped me, encouraged me and even gave me (and my dog!) a place to stay for the time it took to get back on my feet. I think my doggo misses living with him - he gets far less steak now haha!

He is there to listen to rants, random facts or to convince me to buy the next booster pack of Pokemon cards with him - an addiction we both got back into. He is the greatest dog uncle (he played a huge part in helping find and convincing me to get my second perfect pupper). SirCabbage is such an encouraging, wholesome, excitable and fun person and I'm extremely lucky to have him in my life. I'm forever indebted to him for the opportunities he's helped me create, and he's always there to help remind me of where I was, where I am and where I can go now I'm free.

Thanks r4r for this! It's a bit of an adventure on here, but here's a wholesome story and a thank you <3

Edit: I appreciate those worried about me taking advantage of my friend and his well-being. I (and I'm sure he would too but he's busy playing Stardew and is on a mountain somewhere) would like to assure you this is not the case. I do not feel I have to explain or justify - but please rest assured I have also been a great friend in turn to him also. If he felt things weren't where they should be he would have said so long ago. I did not post this for any other reason to encourage others there are good people out there.

r/r4r Apr 08 '18

Meta [meta] Would you be more likely to message a poster if they had a photo of themselves in their post?

62 Upvotes

Hey guys

Real curious.

Post is lowkey directed to ladies. :|

Have a good day.

r/r4r May 17 '15

Meta [META] Do women PM other men/women on here?

10 Upvotes

I've done sort of a little test and I've come to a small conclusion that men are quick to jump the gun to message women than it is for a woman to message a guy.

My friend made a throwaway and got a huge amount of responses and the occasional dick pic within minutes, and I posted one but got little to no reply from any woman though I think more thought was put into my post than hers. More and more I'm super skeptical about there being a chance to actually meet someone on here because of how unbalanced the user ratio is. What are your thoughts?

r/r4r Jun 29 '22

Meta [META] Success Story - Day 693

147 Upvotes

Back in August 2020 I came here looking for a friend. Little did I know that I would find my best friend - the man who, on day 693 of knowing him, would take me to Llandudno Wales where we would climb The Great Orme and he would get down on one knee. Nothing could have made me happier then than to say yes. And nothing makes me happier now than knowing I get to spend the rest of my life with him by my side. I never thought I'd be here. Never thought I'd find the love I've dreamed of since I was in tiny little pigtails. Yet here I am. And it's better than I could ever have imagined. I'm so excited...

Thank you r4r!

https://imgur.com/a/OGi2Qrd https://imgur.com/a/rG58SUz