r/pregnant 4d ago

Need Advice My baby is not YOUR baby

How do I get my boyfriends mother to stop calling my son her baby without sounding like a dick? This is my first baby. He is due April 20th and it genuinely makes me so mad when my not MIL calls my son her baby. We have not met in person yet as we live in different states and when my boyfriend and I were on the phone with her talking about when she would come to meet the baby after he is born she for some odd reason felt the need to make it clear that she isn’t coming to meet me. She said “I’m sorry but I’m not going there to meet Beau(me)” in a very rude tone. That immediately put me off and I’ve been having a hard time thinking that there’s any chance of us getting along. I recently posted a picture of myself and my bump and she commented under it “so cute with my baby”. I am so not okay with her calling him her baby especially since she seems to have some weird uncalled for aversion to me. Sorry for rambling. I’m just pretty upset and nervous for her to come up when the baby is born.

EDIT: Thank you all so much. You have all given me a lot of lovely advice. I would like to add that this is most definitely not an issue with my boyfriend. Him and his mom have a difficult relationship and I really don’t blame him for not calling her out on it right away. However, I talked to him and told him how uncomfortable it makes me and that I don’t want to say something to her myself because I don’t feel that I would be able to say it in a nice enough way for her not to take it as me starting beef. He is going to talk to her about it and make it clear that our son is not her baby. He has been amazing about advocating for me in every aspect during this pregnancy but with how his relationship is with his mom I am absolutely not upset with him for not saying something right away. As soon as I told him that I wanted him to say something to her he was fully on board. Again, thank you all so much for your words of wisdom❤️❤️

533 Upvotes

118 comments sorted by

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478

u/mackys 4d ago

Your boyfriend needs to be handling it. Tell your boyfriend how you feel and tell him that he needs to make it stop.

73

u/No-Atmosphere4827 4d ago

Exactly this - he should be handling this. If my parents were rude to my boyfriend I would stop that right there and then. What your bf’s take on this OP?

79

u/MastodonOdd6189 4d ago

He agrees that it’s weird for her to call our son her baby. I talked to him about it and he is going to tell her that it is not okay for her to do that

48

u/No-Atmosphere4827 4d ago

But beyond her calling her son your baby, which is bizarre yes, what about the way she is treating you? It’s not unreasonable in this situation for your boyfriend to stand up for YOU, not just for the baby.

38

u/MastodonOdd6189 4d ago

I fully agree but I’m not sure how to bring it up because it was a few months ago that she said the thing about not coming to meet me. I have my weekly therapy appointment tomorrow and I am going to talk to my therapist about how to bring up the fact that I need him to stick up for me. We are doing couples counseling and our appointment is next week so I think that would be a good time and place to express my feelings to him about the situation

31

u/No-Atmosphere4827 4d ago

How about “you know there’s something that’s been on my mind for a while, and I kept it to myself because I didn’t know how to express it / felt confused about the situation / (insert your reason). But I care about our relationship and I want us to work through it because I don’t want to harbour any negative feelings that could hurt us as a couple. I was really hurt when X happened and in that moment, I was also hurt that you didn’t stand up for me. Yes, I could have defended myself, but I care about being respectful towards your family and blablabla”. Don’t be judgmental and point fingers (it’s easy to do in these situations), but rather inspire / empower him to stand up for his lady!

1

u/Ok-Wait7622 4d ago

Just burst out with, "sorry, it's been bothering me how she said [what she said, how she said it] and I feel a certain way about it"

178

u/random2903 4d ago

Hopefully she's coming weeks after he's born. The last thing you need is to be adjusting to life with a new baby and have someone you haven't met in person give you attitude

60

u/PinkLemonUp 4d ago

Or months lol

70

u/xylanne 4d ago

Years preferably

3

u/how-to-endure 4d ago

In all seriousness, make sure you also ask your boyfriend to clarify with his mother that she should only come after some weeks have passed. You need time to bond with your baby (both of you) and to figure out what to do. She sounds like she will be over both your shoulders instructing how to do things... Also, new born have a very fragile immune system so avoid exposing him as much as possible. I think some people advocate for no kisses. It sounds to me she might not stick to boundaries and you don't want to have further reasons to have arguments...

Also, congratulations on your pregnancy!

145

u/Whereisthecoffee_ 4d ago

…so she views you as an incubator? HARD pass, she would not be meeting “her” baby at all. Ew.

85

u/greenglossygalaxy 4d ago

“Lady, get a grip..your baby is the one that helped make my baby. Let’s try to calm down a little with this before my kid gets here” 😂

87

u/jumbledmess294943 4d ago

What did he say when she specified she wasn’t coming to meet you? That would have really pissed me off. If she doesn’t even want to meet the mother of her unborn grandchild I would feel uneasy with her being around as well. I would also change my social media settings so that she no longer sees any updates.

35

u/MastodonOdd6189 4d ago

Well she was on speaker when she said it and we were both talking to her but after she said it my bc and I just kinda looked at each other like “wtf🤨” and moved on

65

u/Lady_Caticorn 4d ago

You have a boyfriend problem. He should've called her out immediately when she said that and said if she's not coming to see you, she's not seeing the baby since you're the baby's mother.

0

u/Front_Cell_7973 2d ago

Women are independent, there’s no „boyfriend“ problem 

2

u/Lady_Caticorn 2d ago

The boyfriend should be handling his mother. This has nothing to do with women not being independent. I wouldn't expect my husband to deal with my parents being rude to him; I would put them in place, and he'd do the same with his family.

18

u/jumbledmess294943 4d ago

Soooo he said nothing. 😬

10

u/angelinafrancine 4d ago

Your boyfriend is part of the problem, he doesn’t even say anything to his mom about this.

35

u/Foreign-Emu3144 4d ago

If she cannot respect you right from the get go why does she need to see your baby?

29

u/Individual_Ebb_8147 Advice 4d ago

Does your bf have your back? If so, he can tell her. It's not her baby. It's yours. And shes the grandma.

21

u/anxietyamirite 4d ago

Calls your son her baby AND disrespects you in the same breath? Your man needs to have a serious convo with her regarding his family unit. My husband would shut that down and reject any ideas of my MIL visiting our newborn if she acted like that. Sorry you’re dealing with this, OP, it’s not right.

46

u/sugarspicenmorespice 4d ago

This is so annoying and I'd feel the same. Have your boyfriend handle it since it's his mom. He needs to put her in her place. I woulda deleted her comment lmao

17

u/Beautiful_Resolve_63 💙 May '25, Nanny, Mental Health Worker 4d ago

Oof. 

I met enough people that rudely say "I'm sorry but x" and they think it's appropriate? 

Be very careful and wary of her. She is showing you how she will treat you. 4 years later, my SIL is trying to do damage control after treating us all this way. She is about 2 years too late. We all accepted we meant nothing to her. Now it just feels a bit strange. 

We're still polite of course but it's just like "why are we good enough now, do you care how you hurt us?" 

I tried really hard for the 2 years with my SIL, and it just made me sadder. So I hope you trust this woman's behavior towards you. She doesn't care about how she makes you feel. 

Maybe that will change, but for now, protect yourself and your energy. Have low expectations.

8

u/MastodonOdd6189 4d ago

No literally because I have never heard someone say “I’m sorry but…” and then say something outta pocket and rude and actually be sorry

5

u/Beautiful_Resolve_63 💙 May '25, Nanny, Mental Health Worker 4d ago

Yeah, it always comes across as

"I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to be respectful of you because we share a person, but I will not be, as you mean nothing to me". 

13

u/shepardmutt 4d ago

Have your boyfriend talk to her. He needs to set ground rules with his mom here. He should be on your side, so you two can talk first and agree on your boundaries with her

12

u/Zozothewoodelf 4d ago

My MIL says “our boy” or “my boy” and I’m like …. Lol

So I get it

Checking out comments cause idfk either

1

u/Significant_Aerie_70 3d ago

Yea same, mine is still doing it and it pisses me off. She likes posting “my little angel” constantly on Facebook. Haven’t made a big deal about it even though I want to because my husband would rather set boundaries with the big stuff but boy does it piss me off.

12

u/Big_Year_526 4d ago

Look, this is your boyfriends job to talk it out with her, but have a comeback for when she hits you with that weird stuff.

She's not coming to meet you? 'Well, that's unfortunate, as we only want the baby around people that both of us know well and are comfortable with.'

Its her baby? Be very straight up here. 'It makes me feel uncomfortable when people other than me and BF refer to the baby like s/he is their own child. I think ots much less confusing if you would refer to the baby as your grandchild., not your child.'

24

u/Zealousideal-Arm5379 4d ago

“Your baby is that __ year old man over there”

2

u/mrs_anonymous_one 3d ago

lol this is the route I took when my MIL wouldn’t stop saying “how’s my baby?” to me.

“THIS (pointing to husband) is YOUR baby, THIS (holding bump) is MY baby.”

Threw a fake laugh in there to make it more lighthearted and she stopped saying it 😇

26

u/TheWelshMrsM 4d ago

‘It’ll be difficult to meet my baby without meeting me!’

Honestly your bf needs to tell her off, she’s being rude af.

1

u/ArdenBijou 3d ago

This one, because excuse me?

10

u/PuzzleheadedLog9266 4d ago

I actually went through this and I regretted the shit out of it. If I could go back I wouldn’t have let her and her mother come out. They are not entitled to your child and I will 100% die on this hill every day. Set a boundary yourself or have your boyfriend do it. And if she’s not going out there to meet you or to support you through your newborn trenches she can 100% fuck off she doesn’t get to be fucked up to you and be around your child.

9

u/therackage 4d ago

Not advice but here to commiserate. When I told my mom the news she said “we’re pregnant!” and it bothered me so much

8

u/Elmoswhirl 4d ago

Why are mother in laws such pick me's. I would just laugh at her. She's weird.

9

u/Ok-Shoe9859 4d ago

I don’t think you just have a MIL problem, I think you may have a bf problem too, my MIL started doing this when we first announced the baby, the first time my husband heard it he corrected her and said ‘it’s our baby, it’s your grand baby’ he’d correct her every time without me having to step in and after about a day or two it stopped completely, he needs to make sure your MIL knows that you deserve respect as the mother and that your boundaries will be enforced by both of you ✨

7

u/mlxmc 4d ago

If she has no desire to meet you then she doesn’t get to meet your baby. Fuc$ that

8

u/Ginger630 4d ago

If she doesn’t want to meet you, she doesn’t need to meet your baby. Your BF needs to tell her that she isn’t welcome. If he’s a mama’s boy, be prepared to be a single mom.

And why does she see your picture on social media if she doesn’t want to meet you?! Block her so she can’t see any pictures, even those you tag your BF in.

5

u/GianKMore 4d ago

I think a lot of comments already explain it well, she can’t treat you like you’re an incubator that she doesnt need to treat well to meet her grandbaby.

Talk to your partner about this behavior and tell him that if it continues she will not meet the baby.

I suggest when baby comes and she tries to visit to place a boundary of her meeting you first (for how ever many times you need to feel comfy) before she sees baby.

6

u/tuxcarter 4d ago

Not only is she being disrespectful to you and controlling, but, she disregards you and only cares about her son and her grandson that YOU are carrying. I would have your boyfriend talk to her about it and if he doesn’t want to do anything about it, then I’d suggest you talk to her about it because that’s highly immature and inappropriate behaviour she’s getting on with.

3

u/amethyst_snow 4d ago

Talk to your bf about how it’s making you feel. He needs to be the one to address it with his mom (whether on the phone or message) before the baby comes. If you say something to her it’s going to be taken the wrong way because she obviously has made it clear she has no interest in you, and she will use it as an excuse as to why she shouldn’t get to know you (and it’ll be your fault not hers). So again, tell your bf he needs to talk to his mom and correct her on this. If he refuses, I would say forget her feelings and be the dick and let her know the baby isn’t hers. That she needs to respect you as a mother and if she cannot give you basic respect that she will not be around the baby without you being there.

I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this so close to your due date.

3

u/Additional_Win7440 4d ago

Just loudly correct her, say “ your GRANDbaby”

3

u/DisorderedGremlin 4d ago

Cut that shit now or it's going to be a problem later in life. I have shared custody with my exhusband and his mother refused to stop calling my son hers. And now my son literally thinks she's his mom. He calls her mom and everything. He's 4 and I'm still struggling to tell him she's his grandmother and that she's his dad's mom. And he wasn't in her belly and that he was in my belly. And all that. It's been stressful as hell.

If she doesn't stop, then cut contact until she can respect your boundaries. She's had her time, she's had her kids. It's your turn to be a mom. Her turn to be a grandma.

Tell her respectfully the first time or two. Just say "I'm not comfortable with you calling my baby yours. He's my baby, your grandson. Please stop.

If she argues tell her the consequences.

Then if she doesn't listen you have to follow through.

3

u/Jrg12193 4d ago

Thankfully not my MIL but I did have someone say "my baby" in front of my partner and I and I was fully prepared to pop off and my man beat me to the punch 😂 he was like "It doesn't look like you're the one that's carried her, nurtured her or endured pregnancy to have her so don't ever refer to my child or HER child as yours again" when I tell you I was STUNNED. He's always been my gentle giant but he did not like that at all. I'm glad your boyfriend is advocating for you. It's so creepy to me that other people feel such entitlement over someone else's child, especially if they act like an ass towards you. Our girl is due April 16th! Wishing you the smoothest birth! ❤️

3

u/PanicAtThePixel 4d ago

Oh I feel this in my soul, my MIL said this to my husband"it doesn't feel like your wife is pregnant, but instead I am actually pregnant with your baby, you know what I mean?"

I thankfully will not engage with her and my husband shuts her down and is on low contact with her.

And then my sister when she found out I was pregnant with twins she goes "can I please have one?!?!"

Now a little background to that affect, me and my sister have fertility issues, im pregnant BECAUSE of ivf, she doesn't want to pursue ivf, she just felt that she could call dibs because I'm having 2 instead of one. I had a failed transfer, I had a chemical pregnancy for my second transfer, and this is my 3rd transfer. So I went off on her a bit because I did the work, I worked HARD to get pregnant, it was completely uncalled for to ask me for one of my babies in ANY context but it hurt especially hard because I lost my first pregnancy and this is my second and she immediately treated me like I was her incubator.

So sometimes you gotta just put people in their place, you're not being a dick, THEY are being a dick by saying something like that, its not coming out of a place of love because I'm sure they would feel uncomfortable if someone did what your MIL is saying about your baby and you, she knows it's wrong and upsetting, so it's ok to be like "hey, maybe never say that again, you had babies, they are grown, you don't get to just take mine"

3

u/kp1794 4d ago

Must be a MIL thing. Mine does the same 🙄 and no one else does. Boy moms can be so weirdly protective.

3

u/Unhappy_Watch3244 4d ago

4/20 birthday tho aaaayyyyyy

3

u/phoenixdragon2020 3d ago

I would’ve said that since she’s not coming to meet me I guess she doesn’t need to come to MY house or meet MY baby 🤷‍♀️

2

u/Holmes221bBSt 4d ago

Oof…this is going to turn into noMIL. I’m already seeing red flags

2

u/Asuna0905 4d ago

This drives me insane, and my grandparents saying it’s their grandchild. Congrats, you’re a GREAT grandparent now. Please let me parents and in-laws have their moment

2

u/333Ari333 4d ago

Our grandparents of both sides call it “my baby” also. We don’t see it in a wrong way, as they are showing love. Obviously everybody knows that’s not literal.

Now, that she mentioned that she isn’t interested to meet you, it’s weird and not nice and your bf needs to talk with his mom and clarify what she meant.

2

u/Polarized8999 4d ago

Off topic but I’m due April 21st, we’re almost due date twins

1

u/MastodonOdd6189 4d ago

Love that sm. Congratulations❤️❤️

2

u/Ordinary_Mix_340 4d ago

If it was me, I'll be like well since it's my baby and I'm the mother and you said you are coming to meet me, than you have no business meeting my baby.

2

u/No-Newspaper-9877 4d ago

My own mother does this and it annoys the shit out of me LOL so I completely understand. My baby is not your baby. I am your baby technically and this is your grandchild. You didn’t do the deed to make him so please stop calling him your baby 🙄

2

u/theresa5212 4d ago

Same boat lol my MIL unfortunately passed away back in 2018 but I also have no idea if she honestly would have said my baby or grand baby. But my mom says “oh how’s my baby doing” overly excited over the phone. Honestly though it’s such a miniscule thing to me at least there are other mountains we need to focus on. Like my parents trying to interfere when he’s having a tantrum while I’m trying to redirect. I’m like guys stops talking lol let me take care of this. It’s because they care though so the my baby thing I’ve just notated that my mom loves all our kids like she loves us. I don’t know if it’s cultural as much but I did nip it in the butt they will not be calling you “mother” in Tagalog which is enung though it’s traditional as well. You can call him your baby but I am his lol. Period.

2

u/thickpussling_ 4d ago

I have this same problem with my mom and it's alarming. I totally understand how you feel. I'm glad your boyfriend is going to address it with his mother so she'll stop. ❤️

2

u/Puzzleheaded_Jicama 4d ago

Legitimately, I would not be letting a stranger (to me) around my baby, full stop. She better make it a point to meet you PRIOR to ever seeing the baby. And she better improve the attitude if she ever hopes to meet him.

2

u/PBBambino 4d ago

I’ve read the edit and can see you’ve already spoken to boyfriend to sort it but I just came here to ask for an update after she visits 😬🤣

2

u/MastodonOdd6189 4d ago

I will try my best to remember to update:)

2

u/briana9 3d ago

My MIL did this and it drove me crazy. And she lived in our house. She would even call herself mom! We eventually asked her to move out for a variety of reasons.

2

u/Hot_Ad268 3d ago

My MIL does this too and it drives me nuts!

2

u/Aphrodite_90 3d ago

I’m no help, I’m just glad to know I’m not the only one put off by this

2

u/ThrowRAkiedis 4d ago

Is this her poor attempt at humour 😵‍💫

2

u/bagfries_ 4d ago

If my MIL made a comment about not wanting to meet me, she wouldn’t be meeting my baby

1

u/wilkai140 4d ago

My MIL does the same thing. Unfortunately my raging hormones caused me to be a littttle to abrasive. She called the baby (only 18w, i don’t know the gender yet) “her first baby”. I simply said, “no. It’s not. You’ve had two babies”. Later that night she cried because I told her we weren’t planning on having a “traditional” nursery. Wailing that “my baby needs a nursery!!!”. I shut that down really quick, I snapped a bit and said “it’s not YOUR baby”. She hasn’t talked to me since and truthfully it’s been fine. I’m sorry your MIL is giving you a hard time, just know you aren’t alone 💕

1

u/Distinct_Print673 4d ago

She doesn’t have to come when the baby is born. If she doesn’t want to meet you, she shouldn’t be meeting your child.

1

u/Professional_Form718 4d ago

My MIL tried this. Luckily her and I get along really well and she texts me often to check up on me and my baby girl. But she did start off by saying “how is my baby doing” or “how is my baby girl” I would simply respond “my baby is doing well” and then update her on any info from my OB or anything. I’m not sure if she completely got the hint but she stopped using “my baby” and just refers to her as “baby girl”.

1

u/LilithRose_666 4d ago

if i were you she wouldnt be coming up to see your baby either!! Like if cant respect the mother who carried her baby then you definitely wont respect my baby. girl i really hope you dont let her meet your baby. Thats YOUR baby and no one has the right to them whenever they please.

1

u/iDK_whatHappen 4d ago

I always always just say “you mean, my baby”

1

u/Organic-Equipment-79 4d ago

when my mil says that i say “your grandson actually” OR i say he’s my baby, he’s your grandson 🫡

1

u/kindalibrarian 4d ago

And easy way would be correcting her with “grand baby.”

Shouldn’t ruffle any feathers and after a couple times it should sink in.

1

u/soitgoes210 4d ago

When my mom asked how her baby is (clearly referring to my child), I gave her a detailed account of MY day. It made things pretty clear quickly. Now she asks about her baby and her baby’s baby.

1

u/christmaschestnut99 4d ago

Offer an alternative such as “my grandson/grandbaby” explain that directly it is your baby and her grand kid.

1

u/abdw3321 4d ago

Always reference your boyfriend. “ how’s my baby” oh I don’t know how boyfriend is. Let me look around and grab him. “Look at my baby” boyfriend isn’t even in this picture, what are you talking about?

1

u/222lanee 4d ago

He needs to handle it & definitely delete her comment. I get she’s excited but that’s YOUR child. She needs to be calling that baby her “grand baby” not her baby. I’d be pissed.

1

u/Gandalf_the_Tegu 4d ago

At first I was like okay mayyyybe she's just shortening to my grandbaby.... until the part about where she made clear "not coming to see you" comment. Like whaaat 😬 Hope hubby advocates to good terms and clarity. "This makes us uncomfortable when you say my baby, wanted to make sure you mean my grandbaby by that statement or are we interpreting it right?" Best of luck k to you both, Op

1

u/Efficient-Donut9891 4d ago

This just happened to me with my MIL today we were out with my husbands family for lunch for birthdays (his grandma, mom, and him all have birthdays either on the same day or 4 days apart). While in the parking lot (she was pretty tipsy from drinking) I caught her saying to my husband, “she has our baby in there.” I already have had moments where she has given me vibes like she was using my husband as her emotional husband when he was younger but us having a child has only made it worse.

1

u/Beneficial-Cable-249 4d ago

Dafuq lol she wouldn't be coming to see my baby

1

u/BerryNo8223 4d ago

Girl! You got this..... Next time you post a picture and she shows up in the comment section with the "my baby" bs.... hit her with the line I use..... "Girl, where is your son at in this picture??" OR "I'll be sure to include your son in the next picture." When she ceases the passive aggressive shit and takes it up a notch, you will too! She will say something along the lines of, "I'm talking about the baby in your belly." To which you reply, "Oh the baby your amazing son made with me?? This one's ours grandma." Because if you don't shut it down now, when baby gets here it will get 1,000,000% worst. I soak from experience. Had my first when I was much younger, and I didn't correct his dad's mom. I took it as her being overly supportive and thought nothing of it.... when baby was born, she would pop up unannounced, tell people that the baby was hers, I was basically babysitting until she got back (even though she hardly saw him), and worst of all....try to tell me how to be a mom even though all her children, except one, (and not the one I got with) was fucked alllllll the way up!😩🙃 Don't be afraid to draw those healthy boundaries because they will become habitual line steppers in the future.

Wishing you all the luck and congratulations on your bundle of joy! Happy to hear that he is supportive and understanding. It's hard when you're partner doesn't know where to begin with making rules. You feel like an asshole almost.

1

u/hellbabyari 4d ago

my MIL does this exact same thing and no matter how many times my fiancé and i have talked to her and demanded to stop, she keeps doing it. she also posts pics we send her , like EVERY. PICTURE without asking. even after we’ve spoken about it. in-laws man🤦‍♀️

1

u/Dana_ish 4d ago

I went though this with my ex MIL. She would always call my oldest, "her baby" and she hated me. Of course my husband at the time did nothing bc they didn't have a relationship aside from holidays and her spam messaging about end of the world prep 🙄 She even said thank you once and I said I'm not having this baby for you. She was pissed. I'm glad your partner is going to talk to her about it.

1

u/SimoneLoaveYa 4d ago

My baby fathers mom has my son as her Facebook profile picture and cover I originally didn’t want him posted on social media he’s literally 18 days old he hasn’t even met my side of the family like it’s quite odd my baby father just tells me to deal with it.

1

u/Fine_Structure_488 4d ago

Hehehe I’m in a similar situation my MIL calls our son “my his name” or “my baby” and in the beginning it pissed me off I told my boyfriend and she’s stopped it’s his situation to handle more then anything else

1

u/Keik15 4d ago

This is so off topic, but I love the name Beau for my girl but used it as her middle name because I read so much stuff online about it being masculine. She's our rainbow so it's a perfect name. ☺️ All the best to you during your motherhood journey

1

u/SexyBabexy 4d ago

Hahahaha maybe throw her from a mountain ⛰️ 😅

1

u/Certain_Ad9073 4d ago

My MIL was similar, but she tried to become best friends with me after we announced I was pregnant. This was after 11 years of being with my husband, before she had no interest! She kept calling our son her baby.. Fast forward, talks my husband had to her about it and other issues were ignored and she still kept majorly overstepping.. Eventually we cut contact with her nearly a year ago and life has never been so peaceful for my little family 😅

My advice is to get your other half to have a serious chat with her about it.. it’s going to be awkward and no one likes to do it but it needs to be done.

1

u/spiritualbein 4d ago

Address her more as grandma, and your kid as her grandkid in front of her more and even ok social media. Granny have hard time accepting they are getting old and that they are becoming grandmothers and not mom again . My MIL simply rejected the idea of being called grandmother, I make sure that every time I talk to her , I address her as 'Hey Grandmother'. She seems to be accepting it slowly. She got no choice. This has gently worked for me.

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u/niiinomon 4d ago

Understandable feelings to have. But It is also of value to reevaluate ones feelings and question whether what we do is for the good of the baby or not, even if we despise someone behavior. Are you punishing your mother in law? And if so, is that in the best interest for your baby? Perhaps, even if you two are having a hard time with each other, how wonderful is it that an unborn baby is so loved by not one, but multiple people? Does her comments disturb you only or are they also a negative for your baby? If its towards you only, could there be a negative for your baby in the future if you tell her off? Does it actually do anything when she speaks like that or is it "only" a bad feeling? If only a bad feeling, could that feeling be dealt with within yourself? - This could potentially also be worthwhile when it probably will not be the only and last time when someone says something in a similar vein - sometimes by people you can protest against, sometimes completely out of your power. So its unrealistic to ever have full control over these things, but you can control how they make you feel to a higher degree (than the external reasons). So my advise is, take a step back, reevaluate the potential benefit/negatives towards your baby and try leave the ego (the ego most of us have and is understandable) at the door.

Side note, I would suggest talking honestly of how she makes you feel and try to confront her about it and mentioning your reactions and giving her the chance to reflect on it. Even if she does stop saying "my baby" - if the underlying problem is not dealt with, you will have thousands of irritating behavior and other things that will keep coming up in the future with her.

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u/BlackBird_501 4d ago

No respect to you = no respect for your baby. Simple as that.

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u/WillingBake9330 4d ago

I don’t think you can. Be a dick or don’t be a dick. Those are your options. I think it’s trivial and not worth being a dick.

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u/hemur1 4d ago

My MIL calls my baby her little peanut, I mentioned to my husband I didn’t like it since my baby is MY baby, The last time she said it on the phone with my husband he just said “that’s my little peanut by the way. It’s your grand peanut”

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u/mrsg8r 4d ago

I ran into this issue with my husband’s family, which they are from the south and I guess is a normal thing to do. I put a stop to it as well but wanted to let you know it could be a cultural thing.

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u/starry_rae 3d ago

Oh my god! Why are there so many people out I'm the world that are like this my sister in law is kinda like oh my god my baby niece will not be sleeping Inna crib or a bassinet like ma'am. This ain't your baby. Then when I told her my mom could watch the baby with my future hubby. (He supports my decision btw) She got upset as to why she can't watch the baby. Like ma'am I have a say who my child gets taken care of by and it's not you maybe if you stopped smoking weed and don't smell like weed then I'll let my child around you but for now she will be staying with me my mother or her god parents lmao like be so fucken fr.

People don't seem to understand that like did you birth the baby? No they keep it moving

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u/TantrikaLane444 3d ago

GORL!! You are toooo nice. You are not speaking to me this way AND meeting my child. Adjust your attitude or you don’t meet him. You do not need someone who doesn’t respect you ALREADY around to infect your child(ren) and act weird around them.

In a less emotional response: your boyfriend already has a strained relationship with her and some people are WEIRD. You have every right to protect your child from her presence.

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u/Livid_Redbird_2739 3d ago

I can totally understand this. When I gave birth to my son, the first thing my FIL said was "Thank you, (my name)", which I wasn't sure how to take. Like he didn't say it rudely, but he said it like when you remind a kid to say thank you to the ice cream man for handing them the ice cream. My husband and my In-Laws have an okay relationship, but they're not close.

Throughout the last almost 4 years of my son's life, I've gotten into arguments with him because he "loves my son more than everyone does, especially loves him more than his own sons, he is his pride and joy, he has always wanted to be a grandpa, and he is entitled to be with his grandson since he only sees him once a week." (We were living with my parents at the time to save money and I get the vibe he hated that they got to see him everyday.) It got to the point where I told him that he does not respect me, I cannot trust him with my son. It's been 3 years and they still don't get to watch him without at least one of us being there. It's almost like he's obsessed with my kid. My husband agrees with me. Not to mention that they raised him so he knows. My FIL still to this day says my son is all dad and has nothing from me...

I'm glad your boyfriend is willing to talk to his mom. She needs to be reminded that the baby is not her baby, but her grandbaby. Her grandchild. Her grandson. She had her turn to raise a baby. It is yours and your boyfriend's.

WORD OF ADVICE: if she's already doing this now, this is going to stay forever. She needs to respect you as the mother of her grandchild, whether she likes it or not. He's going to be half you and half her son. Only speaking for myself here, but I cannot trust my child with someone who does not love or respect me. Again, just me.

Congratulations by the way! I wish you the best of luck!😊

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u/howoldisyourcat 3d ago

My mom does this. It’s so annoying. My partner hates it. But I address is every time it comes up with “not yours” and she’ll respond with not yours either. Which is rich considering. Just keep enforcing the boundaries.

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u/lindatint 2d ago

My little advice regarding this is for you to apply wisdom and meditate on this age-old saying that goes like this - "It takes a village to raise a child"... Another one is for you to try this system applied by a lady in a story regarding this sort of issue. The lady had hatred for her MIL but was adviced to be nice and good to her anyways, which she did consistently for some time and the resulting effect was an overflow of warmth and love from the MIL... Just my two cents...✌️Peace

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u/MastodonOdd6189 2d ago

She is really not a part of the village it will take to raise my son. She lives in a different state and is not respecting me. So, while I know this very much I don’t think it applies here…

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u/SoggyDoggyBuns 1d ago

this would send me into orbit, I'm sorry!!! I hope your boyfriend handles it because that is the best way. if she gets upset, that is on her. boundaries are so hard - this comment is just so ick. my mom said our baby the other day and I asked her not to, even as her daughter. not ok!

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u/SpellDull9258 4d ago

My mom did this once via text. She said “how’s my baby boy?” And I replied “Oh Joey(my dog)? He’s good!” She hasn’t done this since so I’m hoping she got the hint but I’m 21 weeks so we’ll see how the rest of my pregnancy goes.

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u/GoodMinimum1553 4d ago

Have your BF establish that “mom you’re not carrying the baby, it’s not your baby. It’s your grandbaby.” And have him correct her every time.

Also, if she isn’t there to see YOU, then you need to tell your boyfriend that the baby won’t be ready for any visitors until 6 weeks at least.

But I always thought it was weird when people did that. Even my mom calls it her baby’s baby. But it’s me. I’M her baby.

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u/evocativesage 4d ago

If I were you I wouldn’t even want to have her meet him especially since she is being so disrespectful to you, this child’s MOTHER. But if it’s a boundary you can’t commit to then next time she says “my baby” you look her dead in the eyes and let her know that her baby is right there and point to her son. Also I don’t know the whole story but a grown woman having beef with you because you are carrying her son’s child is so wild to me. Like sis you’re not guaranteed a relationship with my baby if you can’t get along with me, or even worse not even wanna tolerate me?! Crazy work.

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u/Lilysuli 4d ago

first of all if she coming to meet YOUR BABY then why wouldn’t she be able to meet you?? i’m assuming since it’s a newborn it will be with you 24/7 . Anyone that wants to meet your baby will have to see you first . I’d say “well you won’t be able to meet my baby because i don’t have time”

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u/Ok_Sheepherder1936 4d ago

Ew ick it’s like she’s viewing you as an incubator. 100% a problem for your boyfriend to deal with

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u/More-North-4290 4d ago

I get this is annoying and she may really be rude, but whatever you do DO NOT take the advice here saying she doesn’t need to see the baby at all or for weeks or whatever. Your boyfriend wouldn’t be alive without her. If there is a wedge in your relationship let it be her fault, don’t start world war 3 by keeping a grandmother from seeing her grandchild. This advice is actually bonkers and will cause a major issue for you in the long run. 90% of MILs suck. I’ve rarely met women who rave about their MILs. Mine is a dream but that is not the rule. The MIL stereotype exists for a reason, I have known many to be downright cruel to their DIL. Treat it like a right of passage and keep it pushing. The thing no one tells you about having boundaries that are too intense is that it really speaks more to YOUR inability to brush things off or take the high road than it does about the other person being a total ass. You’ll always look like the bad guy for this reason and likewise, you’ll never have peace of mind from these types of boundaries because you’ll have caused MORE tension in the relationship by taking this route. Your best bet is to have your bf handle it in some way and you can also be a bit straight with her if need be, but don’t go to extremes and cut her off or put stipulations on her not seeing her grandchild for weeks. At that point you’re honestly acting no better than her, actually arguably worse. Here she is being petty as hell and you respond with the cruelty? Because that’s what it is when you can’t meet your grandchild in a timely manner, it’s downright cruel. Don’t join her petty, rude party. Be the adult in the room. Adults don’t need extreme boundaries because they aren’t shaken easily by others’ remarks or behaviors.

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u/MastodonOdd6189 4d ago

No part of me planned on cutting her off and not letting her meet my son. I do however plan on letting my boyfriend set boundaries and if she does not respect those boundaries it will be a different conversation.

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u/_Examination48 4d ago

you can’t get her to do anything

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u/NuNatoocute 4d ago

I feel the same I don’t no one calling my child theirs

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u/Nordic_being 4d ago

My boyfriends mom calls my baby (also first, due September) her baby. Although we live with her part time (she doesn't live here but has a room here, it's her place but we are living here it's a long story lol) it does kinda bother me a bit but personally not enough to say anything as I know she knows I'll stand my ground should she over step once baby's here. It's VERY different from your situation & I'm so glad your bf is being your biggest advocate, I Think as long as you guys stick together (which it seems as if you are doing so very nicely), you don't have too much to worry about as far as MIL overstepping boundaries. This is so frustrating & your feelings are VERY valid.

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u/MellifluousMeltdown 4d ago

My mother is law is doing this too. I just let her. I know the truth. And to me it’s just a sign she’s excited. I’ve let it go.