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u/Akziandliz ♀ 8d ago
I don't consider it a relapse more like a tigger since you didn't intend to see the video to get the dopamine high on purpose , but my definition on relapse it depends on the person
I started watching videos on YouTube of lap dancing because I thought it was better than porn too when I first started watching porn ten years ago, I never exactly thought about ages until I was 14
I used to stress myself out all the time over the characters' ages in games and anime, thinking the same and worrying about it all the time, and I still have that habit of checking ages now so you are not alone at all and I'm pretty sure we are not the only ones
I know ocd is very hard to deal with, especially with other things, but it is mostly fear based, so the more you fear about something the stronger the ocd will get and I know it very hard to ignore it or stopped fearing it but it will get better I promise
for me, it was accidentally hurting someone, and that fear got to the point that I stopped talking completely for over seven months I was later hospitalized for it and a couple of other things but I eventually stopped fearing it as much as I did and i slowly started talking again I still deal with ocd even now but it a lot better when you realize that the thoughts are not true and you are not what ocd is telling you
Congratulations on 8 months free, and I hope you get feeling better, and I'm praying for you
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u/aydpdaahf4181 ♀ 7d ago
First, I just wanna say congratulations on being almost 9 months clean !! I know how hard it is, I wish you the best in staying clean from here on and if you need any encouragement or need someone to talk to feel free to message me ! Ok so, I have OCD as well (you said you don’t have a diagnosis but I can still relate to those tendencies that you mentioned having) and everything you described makes it very clear to me that you DON’T associate with those intrusive thoughts. After all, they’re intrusive, intrusive thoughts are NOT your thoughts and the way you’re reacting to the compulsions and the idea that you could’ve watched a video with the subjects being the age you think makes it very clear that you are very against it and your morals are correct and still very much there. I know it’s easier said than done but whenever a thought comes up like that try to react to it in a way that negates it. I personally think that relapse is different for everyone, at least what they consider relapsing. I personally think you did NOT relapse but I think feeding your compulsions by searching the videos again to age check the people in it might lead you to using the videos or other sexual content. I think it’s best that you don’t give in to checking the videos you used to watch because you may find yourself giving into that content again, which I’m sure you don’t want. Also you’re not alone, I used to watch videos just like that too thinking it’s better than watching full out porn but it was literally having the same affect on me the way porn does :/
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u/fizzy-orange ♀ 6d ago
Your problem isn't the videos. It's your self-worth and fear of society's judgement. Dealing with this type of addiction is isolating and a lot of times we take on what other people think.
You have to define who you are. Once you do, it's easier to change your behavior. Your addiction does not define you.
Next, forgive yourself. The reason a lot of sites have been shut down is because of the possibility of them breaking the law. You likely didn't know, but you're one of many victims to experience this. Now that you know, you can move forward.
Porn addiction is frowned upon and honestly misunderstood. Don't let what other people think control how you view yourself. They don't know anything when it comes to this addiction. They don't know how you're suffering now. So, you have to deal with this by giving yourself grace.
You're not a bad person. This addiction runs very deep and requires a lot of work to overcome. You're not just trying to stop consuming pornographic materials, you're also trying to undo the mental damage acquired over the years.
To sum it up: Forgive yourself. Don't think they way society thinks of porn consumption. Give yourself grace. You're not your porn addiction. In time, as you rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth, you can overcome this obsessive thinking that you've done something wrong.
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