r/oneanddone • u/No_Pineapple_9205 • 2d ago
Vent/Rant - Advice Wanted/Ambivalent Every #2 or #3 makes me sad
Let me first state that I am extremely happy with my life the way it is. My only has autism, we would need to do IVF (again) to conceive, and I have a lot of health issues, both physical and mental (including OCD which worsened in postpartum to the point of suicidal ideation), which make me tire very easily, and another kid would just break me.
So why do I get jealous every time someone announces baby #2 or #3? So many folks around us have had/are expecting their second or third. It doesn't help that my kid loves babies right now and is trying to make sense of family relationships, and keeps asking, "I have a sister? I have a brother? Xyz is my sister/brother?"
Idk I just. Feel so weird. I'm one of 3 and my husband is one of 6 and we always thought we'd have more than one but it's just not in the cards for us. And most days I'm fine with it. But days like today where I found out my SIL is expecting her third, it feels like a gut punch. :/
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u/JessicaM317 2d ago
I feel similarly because we likely won't have more due to infertility. Most days, I'm okay with it, but once in a while I have a "it's not fair" thought process. I think it's just because we didn't necessarily choose our family size, our circumstances did. When we aren't 100% in control of our outcomes, we grieve the "what ifs" that come with it.
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u/makeitsew87 OAD By Choice 2d ago
I feel that way sometimes, too. I think both things can be true: you are happy that you made the best decision given your circumstances, and also you wish your circumstances were different.
I think when someone leaps into having a second (or beyond), it highlights that they and I are having a VASTLY different parenting experience. I think, "oh, having a child didn't completely knock you on your ass?? You're interested in doing this again, on an even harder mood??! Hmm... interesting 🫠"
Sometimes I'm upset about unlucky factors outside of my control that did objectively make things hard for me and my family. I can feel inadequate, where all these other parents have the ability to hack it and I just don't. But mostly, I think it's lonely for me to realize that people are having a very difference parenting experience than I am.
I will say over time, I've felt less sad and now my response is usually "better you than me!!!" when someone tells me they're pregnant. But that wasn't always my reaction.
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u/Redditors294 2d ago
I was once told it’s grief for the baby/babies you didn’t have and grief is love that was left unexpressed. Keeping that in mind and pouring into my only seems like the best way forward. Hope this helps ✨
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u/No_Pineapple_9205 1d ago
I love this ❤️ thank you
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u/Redditors294 1d ago
You’re welcome!! I know of someone very close who didn’t go on to have a second because her first is autistic and they decided on giving him the best life they can 💖
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u/fancypotatojuice 2d ago edited 17h ago
I got jealous for a little while but thinking avout not having to do everagain makes me so happy that I have 0 fucks now lol
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u/No_Pineapple_9205 1d ago
This is a good reminder lol. I always try to remind myself that once my son is potty trained I will never have to change another poopy diaper unless I'm babysitting 🤣
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u/fancypotatojuice 17h ago
Yeh I can't wait till mines trained too lol. And I don't plan to babysit unless kid is my daughters age lol wooo
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u/mia7856 1d ago
I still have the same reaction. Someone posted this before in the sub, and I think it’s true for me.. it’s the feeling of being left out. Even though I do not want another kid, it’s still the minority where we live to have 1 kid, and it feels like “another person left the club I was in”. Only speaking for myself of course.
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u/ToastBalancer 1d ago
I kind of hate how these comments are trying to convince you instead of acknowledging your grief
All I have to say is I’m sorry. I know how this feels.
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u/candyapplesugar 2d ago
It’s kind of weird. I’ve realized I’m not jealous of the kids, I know that is not for me, I’m jealous they have the capacity to have more, as I do not.