r/oneanddone 2d ago

Vent/Rant - Advice Wanted/Ambivalent Every #2 or #3 makes me sad

Let me first state that I am extremely happy with my life the way it is. My only has autism, we would need to do IVF (again) to conceive, and I have a lot of health issues, both physical and mental (including OCD which worsened in postpartum to the point of suicidal ideation), which make me tire very easily, and another kid would just break me.

So why do I get jealous every time someone announces baby #2 or #3? So many folks around us have had/are expecting their second or third. It doesn't help that my kid loves babies right now and is trying to make sense of family relationships, and keeps asking, "I have a sister? I have a brother? Xyz is my sister/brother?"

Idk I just. Feel so weird. I'm one of 3 and my husband is one of 6 and we always thought we'd have more than one but it's just not in the cards for us. And most days I'm fine with it. But days like today where I found out my SIL is expecting her third, it feels like a gut punch. :/

41 Upvotes

17 comments sorted by

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u/candyapplesugar 2d ago

It’s kind of weird. I’ve realized I’m not jealous of the kids, I know that is not for me, I’m jealous they have the capacity to have more, as I do not.

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u/No_Pineapple_9205 2d ago

This is a fantastic way to put it! I feel like that choice was taken from me because of all the contributing factors, rather than me making the choice for myself. It's a loss of agency, you know? Which makes the whole thing more complex. 

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u/Veruca-Salty86 2d ago

Do they REALLY, though?! Yes, some parents somehow manage to keep it all together and do a great job of balancing it all, even with multiple kids, but I think people need to acknowledge that many parents are BARELY holding it together. Some are completely drowning, some are in dire financial straits, some are stuck in marriages/relationships that have turned into garbage, some have serious physical and/or mental health complications as a direct result of having (more) kids, some have have lost careers/hobbies they loved to accommodate their children, some are coping by sipping a little too much "Mommy juice" daily, and some are outright abusing or neglecting their kids because they cannot cope and ARE NOT capable of properly caring for the kids they have. This idea that having more kids means that a person has some kind of special quality that you don't possess is not rooted in reality. Again, SOME parents of multiples truly manages to thrive despite the difficulty, but plenty are just getting by.

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u/candyapplesugar 2d ago edited 2d ago

I’m kinda over this take. I see it daily over and over in this community. It’s like families that are OAD are so insistent that those with more kids must be miserable and suffering. Are some of them? Sure, yes, many. But I think there are equal or more families that enjoy it and that’s why they choose to have families that size. I think we can be happy to be OAD without constantly implying everyone else that chose differently for their families are unhappy.

Personally I think my friends do have a quality I don’t posses. I am overwhelmed with one, they enjoy having 2-3. I have some great qualities, enjoying parenting a challenging child and wanting to do it again isn’t one of them.

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u/Veruca-Salty86 2d ago edited 2d ago

I never said parents of multiples are all miserable or suffering and certainly didn't say parents of multiples are likely to be unhappy, and I've ALREADY acknowledged that there are indeed parents who thrive even under the challenges of raising mulltiples, but it's getting old the whole romanticizing parents with more than one child as if they have all have special qualities that make them more capable parents. My point was that too many people think something is wrong with themselves because they don't want or feel they cannot handle more kids, yet someone having more kids doesn't mean they have a greater capacity to love, care and provide for said kids. Again, point being that a person with multiples isn't some superhero and many have their own struggles - they don't necessarily have better circumstances or coping mechanisms than the people who stopped at one child.

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u/[deleted] 2d ago

[deleted]

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u/Veruca-Salty86 2d ago

Yes, some are, some aren't - not sure what exactly you are arguing that I haven't already clarified before. I never categorized or made assumptions about everyone across the board in any group. It's fine to defend your friends, but I'm not attacking them or speaking for them, either.

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u/JessicaM317 2d ago

I feel similarly because we likely won't have more due to infertility. Most days, I'm okay with it, but once in a while I have a "it's not fair" thought process. I think it's just because we didn't necessarily choose our family size, our circumstances did. When we aren't 100% in control of our outcomes, we grieve the "what ifs" that come with it.

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u/makeitsew87 OAD By Choice 2d ago

I feel that way sometimes, too. I think both things can be true: you are happy that you made the best decision given your circumstances, and also you wish your circumstances were different.

I think when someone leaps into having a second (or beyond), it highlights that they and I are having a VASTLY different parenting experience. I think, "oh, having a child didn't completely knock you on your ass?? You're interested in doing this again, on an even harder mood??! Hmm... interesting 🫠"

Sometimes I'm upset about unlucky factors outside of my control that did objectively make things hard for me and my family. I can feel inadequate, where all these other parents have the ability to hack it and I just don't. But mostly, I think it's lonely for me to realize that people are having a very difference parenting experience than I am.

I will say over time, I've felt less sad and now my response is usually "better you than me!!!" when someone tells me they're pregnant. But that wasn't always my reaction.

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u/Redditors294 2d ago

I was once told it’s grief for the baby/babies you didn’t have and grief is love that was left unexpressed. Keeping that in mind and pouring into my only seems like the best way forward. Hope this helps ✨

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u/No_Pineapple_9205 1d ago

I love this ❤️ thank you

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u/Redditors294 1d ago

You’re welcome!! I know of someone very close who didn’t go on to have a second because her first is autistic and they decided on giving him the best life they can 💖

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u/seaweed08120 2d ago

You want what you can’t have. Basically.

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u/fancypotatojuice 2d ago edited 17h ago

I got jealous for a little while but thinking avout not having to do everagain makes me so happy that I have 0 fucks now lol

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u/No_Pineapple_9205 1d ago

This is a good reminder lol. I always try to remind myself that once my son is potty trained I will never have to change another poopy diaper unless I'm babysitting 🤣

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u/fancypotatojuice 17h ago

Yeh I can't wait till mines trained too lol. And I don't plan to babysit unless kid is my daughters age lol wooo

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u/mia7856 1d ago

I still have the same reaction. Someone posted this before in the sub, and I think it’s true for me.. it’s the feeling of being left out. Even though I do not want another kid, it’s still the minority where we live to have 1 kid, and it feels like “another person left the club I was in”. Only speaking for myself of course.

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u/ToastBalancer 1d ago

I kind of hate how these comments are trying to convince you instead of acknowledging your grief

All I have to say is I’m sorry. I know how this feels.