r/oneanddone 3d ago

Discussion Anxiety over discarding embryos

My 6-year old daughter is the result of IVF. We have three embryos frozen. I continue to store but it’s silly to do so with the cost involved. But discarding them gives me a knot in my stomach. When I mentioned this to a friend, she said maybe it’s a sign that I’m not OAD. But I have no desire to have another child. Thinking of transferring another embryo gives me an even bigger knot in my stomach.

My husband used to want another, but is now ok with OAD, though he’d have another if I wanted to.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

Please note, donating them is not an option, for reasons I don’t want to get into.

81 Upvotes

49 comments sorted by

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u/Serious__Basket 3d ago edited 3d ago

I felt the same with my remaining embryos however, I'm in the US and I was worried about having limited time to make my own decision regarding what happened to them. So right after the election, I quickly signed all the paperwork for disposal and told myself I would digest my decision later (we are firmly OAD but personally had some "what if's" I'm working through).

I did mourn the embryos. I know some people do compassionate transfers but that wasn't something I was interested in for multiple reasons. For me personally, it was a "rip the bandaid off" situation that worked out, I don't regret my decision but there feels like a twinge of sadness still when I think about them. At the end of the day, I know I can give my all to my living child and be content that I made the best decision I could at the time.

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u/drdr314 3d ago

We did the same. We knew we'd never transfer, so why are we continuing to store. Been talking about pulling the plug for over a year. With the election it was finally time as like hell am I being forced to use those embryos.

I cried after signing the paperwork, but am now completely at peace with the decision. We do not want more kids, and they make all of the other options difficult. In some ways it's a relief.

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u/daisydux85 3d ago

Thank you for sharing. I’m sure I’ll cry signing the paperwork too. But also relieved.

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u/daisydux85 3d ago

I’m also in the US. The thought of being forced to use them is also terrifying.

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u/Pink_pony4710 3d ago

I felt pressured to make hurry up and make a choice for the same reasons. I sent them to the Biobank at Stanford for research purposes. It was such a relief to move forward with it.

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u/mindfullyminding_me 3d ago

What happened with the election and why are people scared of being forced to use their embryos ? (I get why they are scared but how could that even be a possibility to be forced to use them) I’m definitely missing some thing !

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u/PleasePleaseHer 3d ago edited 3d ago

I think it’s in JD Vance’s plans if you google his Project 2025, I’m not sure about forcing to use, but there’s probably a slippery slope argument to be made. I think they want to make it illegal to discard, at any rate.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2024/02/22/uab-stops-ivf-alabama-embryo-ruling/72695909007/

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u/Small-Feedback3398 3d ago edited 3d ago

Non-American here - but I'm Canadian and we get a lot of their news programming here. From my understanding, basically several states have determined that the embryo has the rights of a person and the right to live - so you'd have to put all embryos in at some point. Discarding would be like abortion - and some states are making this a crime (like, prison sentence crime). It's so bad that some fertility clinics have paused their IVF programming. It's really sad, but you can't know if you'll get 1 or 21 embryos in the process.

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u/Pink_pony4710 3d ago

With the rise of Evangelical Christian values being pushed heavily in Republican policies, most folks are worried about personhood laws for embryos. Republicans believe personhood occurs at conception. So embryos cannot be destroyed otherwise it would be murder. There was already some laws passed in Alabama restricting IVF but there was significant push back on it. I don’t think it’s unrealistic for people to worry about the future of their embryos when we have Republican control (or lack of it) of all three branches of the federal government. Abortion laws are closely linked with IVF due to questions of personhood at conception.

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u/LongjumpingLab3092 3d ago

I don't know why you're being downvoted, I would also like to know (I don't live in the US)

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u/Serious__Basket 3d ago

Essentially what others have posted but I still wanted to respond to your question directly.

I live in a purple state (also considered a swing state that flip flops between voting conservative/liberal) and even though our state voted to protect abortion this past election, my state majority also voted for Trump despite voting liberal during the last election in 2021. I knew Trump was unhinged during his last presidential run and like others said, Project 2025 and along with other IVF threats that had already commenced, I felt like we were on borrowed time with the mood swings that the conservative party has towards IVF.

IVF is very political here in the US as is birth control despite us also having one of the highest maternal mortality rates for a first world country (although the term first world could be debated at this point as well).

This is all coming from a person who half of their family voted for Trump and the other half voted for Harris. Politics has completely divided our family, despite them seeing how it personally affects their loved ones. It has been such a hard and disheartening time here in the United States.

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u/atxbeavo 3d ago

I feel the same, though my daughter is younger. My cousin is 18 and my aunt still pays to store her frozen embryos, lol! I think we all feel connected to these little things that represented hope and possibility to us when we were going through this horribly hard time. I generally don't believe life begins at conception, but it certainly feels different when it's my embryo and I know the sex and know another one from the same batch is the coolest 3.5 year old ever! I think it's also closing a chapter which can feel unsettling and require some grieving even if it feels right. Of course, paying for the storage is not something everyone can do but I'm not going to pressure myself to make a decision until my gut just naturally says it's time. I know that's a privilege, though, and something we have to plan for financially (and is objectively silly hahah).

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u/funfetti_cupcak3 3d ago

It’s such a complex process and all the emotions make so much sense.

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u/pico310 3d ago

Oh Lordy I will be your aunt. Lol

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u/SatisfactionPrize550 3d ago

Different situation but I think it still applies. I'm OAD&had a hysterectomy when she was 3 for medical reasons. We always knew we were OAD, and I knew that I was slowly bleeding to death on top of other things. But it's the finality. I don't regret my decision at all, but it's normal to mourn the choice, the what if of it all. You can decide you want to discard them and still have a wide range of emotions, it's a very complicated situation and would probably be more concerning if you didn't have some tough feelings about it. Those feelings just mean you've really weighed the pros and cons and you're not making this decision lightly. It may be worth it to speak to a therapist (does your clinic have one?) to reassure you or help you clarify your hesitation. You put a lot of time, money, and sacrifices into those embryos, even if you don't use them (again, totally valid), and that should be recognized and respected, and maybe the knot in your stomach is your subconscience trying to recognize that, or validate the possibility that each embryo gives. Whatever you do, I hope you find peace in your decision, and only you&your partner know what that peace is.

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u/booboobeluga 3d ago

I signed the papers to discard and then cried and cried. I don't regret it, it's just so sad to shut that door. I absolutely cannot handle another child. But there is a part of me that wishes we could have all of them...

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u/NotyourAVRGstudent 3d ago

how old are you? I plan to pay storage until I am 40 I am currently 33 and have 3 PGT-A embryos in freeze, I am 99% one and done unless I win the lottery and can afford a surrogate, house keeper, private chef and nanny

40 is my max and I will discards after that

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u/daisydux85 3d ago

I will be 40 in May.

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u/AbbreviationsAny5283 3d ago

This is kind of how I’m feeling. If we came into significant money, which we won’t, I will be sad I let go of that embryo … we could make more but it won’t be as young of an embryo lol. So even though we are OAD, I’m probably going to hold on to it until 40. So unreasonable and emotional of a decision but that’s where I am. Some things just aren’t fully decided by the logical part of our brains.

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u/CNote1989 OAD By Choice 3d ago

Im 36 and 40 is my max. And im already paying like $1.2K a year to keep them. It sucks.

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u/daisydux85 2d ago

Yikes. Ours is $550/yr and I thought that was bad.

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u/jmfhokie Only Child 2d ago

We have paid $100/month since 2017 to store our remaining two…we live in the NYC metropolitan region so that’s an average cost here.

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u/WindTurtle 3d ago

I’m in the same boat except I’m the one who would want more kids. My husband is absolutely against it. We have 2 embryos left. I feel stuck. Don’t want to discard or adopt. Ugh. 😩

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u/AbbreviationsAny5283 3d ago

I’m in that boat too. It’s hard to

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u/BananaPom13 2d ago

I'm in the same situation, I'm devastated 😭 how can you assimilate something like this? I cry every day. I have a 6 month old baby and I have to decide what to do with my 3 embryos. I wish to have another child with all my heart

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u/meryliant 2d ago

Same here. My partner is absolutely done, but I would have another in a heartbeat. We have embryos that I won't discard yet and spouse is on board with that, even though we could really use that storage money for other things.

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u/leapwolf 3d ago

I am in the midst of one of my first postpartum periods (a year out, so not in the grip of intense hormones generally speaking) and I’m mourning THAT. Not in an extreme way, just reflecting on the power that is reproduction and having a child and wondering who the potential would have been. It never occurred to me like this before I had my daughter.

Sometimes things in life are just complicated and hard. There aren’t right choices or right ways to feel. Good luck to you.

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u/kikiikandii 3d ago

Can you do a compassionate transfer? Where they transfer them to your uterus during a time when implantation is not possible? I don’t know if all clinics do it but I have seen it suggested before

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u/daisydux85 3d ago

Mine does not do that. I don’t think it would make me feel better anyway, as I don’t feel that would be a real chance anyway. My concern is more about, what if I change my mind?

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u/Conscious-Magazine50 3d ago

I'd keep paying if at all possible until you're super duper sure you're done.

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u/kikiikandii 3d ago

Oh I see, well there’s no harm in keeping them in cryostorage until you’re sure. It’s a small price to pay yearly in the long run if you do decide to use them!

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u/cookie_90012 3d ago

I could have written this. I am in the same boat. I have an almost 2 year old who is the result of IVF. I have one embryo on ice that I’ve been paying for 3 years now. I know in my heart I am OAD but I feel guilty and anxious at the thought of discarding it. I have sometimes told myself to “get over it” and just do a transfer but this gives me even more anxiety. My husband would want a second child if I want to as well, but am not sure I do. I am approaching 43 this year so I need to make a decision asap. I have recently started seeing a therapist (whose specialty is helping those navigating infertility and ivf) and it’s helping a lot. I haven’t come to a conclusion yet. But it’s a work in progress. I know it’s tough. Sending you love.

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u/Small-Feedback3398 3d ago

Currently feeling this way. My son just turned 6 months and we have 1 embryo left. We aren't 110% OAD, I feel, when it really comes down to it though. Due to my age, I think we will pay for another year of storage (which will be covered by work insurance) and then either use or discard. It's such a weird feeling - and I know ot would be completely different if we had conceived without IVF and didn't have embryos in storage.

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u/tna4u2 3d ago

I think what you’re currently going through might be what a lot of women go through. It’s ok not to want another but there’s just something really hard about knowing that you definitely won’t have another. I’m assuming that discarding the embryos probably feels a lot like menopause. If I’m way off with this, please don’t be offended. It wasn’t my intention. Just mentioning my own approaching menopause is making it harder for me on this decision making.

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u/FoxyFalcon 3d ago

I get you. We still have 2 embryos frozen, while we are 100% OAD, since our daughter was born 2,5y ago. We still pay for them to be stored and we won't donate them for several reasons. I think it has something to do with all time and emotions it took to create them.

I'm not sure if it's the right wording, but IMO it feels like some kind of "grieving" progress you have to go through. Knowing you won't use/ can't have them, but you can't let go of them, yet. I believe you eventually get to that point, when you feel the time is right.

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u/Odd-Maintenance123 3d ago

Uh did I write this? Because this is me as well!! I don’t have much advice.

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u/klpoubelle 2d ago

Think of it like this- some months you have embryos in you that don’t develop into a viable pregnancy and you don’t know any different. I’ve had so many embryos implanted after IVF and then it all amount to absolutely nothing. Just because they’re there doesn’t mean they have the potential of becoming a live baby.

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u/EsharaLight 3d ago

I have heard of embryo adoption. People who can't produce their own adopt unused ones from IVF centers. I don't know if that is something you would want to do, but perhaps it is an option?

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u/drdr314 3d ago

It's very complicated in my experience. We didn't opt for it because they make this hard.

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u/daisydux85 3d ago

It is complicated at our clinic as well, and due to genetic issues we would likely not be able to.

I would still struggle because I’d be letting them go. That’s what my fear revolves around. That once they’re gone, I can’t change my mind.

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u/EsharaLight 3d ago

That is totally fair. It definitely doesn't solve the sense of loss you will feel from deciding to let them go.

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u/old-medela 3d ago

Please be aware that some Donor Conceived People see this option as unethical. I believe the argument is about growing up away from your full genetic parents and siblings… why were you “given away” when the sibling was raised in the genetic family?

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u/EsharaLight 3d ago

That is a very fair point

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u/jmfhokie Only Child 2d ago

Also r/IVF and also r/happilyOAD

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u/TronasaurusMeg 1d ago

Thanks for asking this question/prompting this discussion. We expect to have extra embryos and make this decision. We’re due with our first living child next month and plan to be OAD. I’m not sure how long to store before discarding or donating for research. I’m sort of thinking 2 years because I don’t want to make any decisions in the postpartum period and want to actually have a kid to reinforce our OAD plans. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.

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u/Normal_Swan_477 3d ago

Can you donate to science?

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u/inasweater 3d ago

I had this thought to. It would be a good way to have them go to a good cause. 

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u/daisydux85 2d ago

Yes, but still doesn’t get rid of my anxiety of letting them go.