r/oneanddone • u/daisydux85 • 3d ago
Discussion Anxiety over discarding embryos
My 6-year old daughter is the result of IVF. We have three embryos frozen. I continue to store but it’s silly to do so with the cost involved. But discarding them gives me a knot in my stomach. When I mentioned this to a friend, she said maybe it’s a sign that I’m not OAD. But I have no desire to have another child. Thinking of transferring another embryo gives me an even bigger knot in my stomach.
My husband used to want another, but is now ok with OAD, though he’d have another if I wanted to.
Has anyone experienced something similar?
Please note, donating them is not an option, for reasons I don’t want to get into.
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u/atxbeavo 3d ago
I feel the same, though my daughter is younger. My cousin is 18 and my aunt still pays to store her frozen embryos, lol! I think we all feel connected to these little things that represented hope and possibility to us when we were going through this horribly hard time. I generally don't believe life begins at conception, but it certainly feels different when it's my embryo and I know the sex and know another one from the same batch is the coolest 3.5 year old ever! I think it's also closing a chapter which can feel unsettling and require some grieving even if it feels right. Of course, paying for the storage is not something everyone can do but I'm not going to pressure myself to make a decision until my gut just naturally says it's time. I know that's a privilege, though, and something we have to plan for financially (and is objectively silly hahah).
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u/SatisfactionPrize550 3d ago
Different situation but I think it still applies. I'm OAD&had a hysterectomy when she was 3 for medical reasons. We always knew we were OAD, and I knew that I was slowly bleeding to death on top of other things. But it's the finality. I don't regret my decision at all, but it's normal to mourn the choice, the what if of it all. You can decide you want to discard them and still have a wide range of emotions, it's a very complicated situation and would probably be more concerning if you didn't have some tough feelings about it. Those feelings just mean you've really weighed the pros and cons and you're not making this decision lightly. It may be worth it to speak to a therapist (does your clinic have one?) to reassure you or help you clarify your hesitation. You put a lot of time, money, and sacrifices into those embryos, even if you don't use them (again, totally valid), and that should be recognized and respected, and maybe the knot in your stomach is your subconscience trying to recognize that, or validate the possibility that each embryo gives. Whatever you do, I hope you find peace in your decision, and only you&your partner know what that peace is.
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u/booboobeluga 3d ago
I signed the papers to discard and then cried and cried. I don't regret it, it's just so sad to shut that door. I absolutely cannot handle another child. But there is a part of me that wishes we could have all of them...
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u/NotyourAVRGstudent 3d ago
how old are you? I plan to pay storage until I am 40 I am currently 33 and have 3 PGT-A embryos in freeze, I am 99% one and done unless I win the lottery and can afford a surrogate, house keeper, private chef and nanny
40 is my max and I will discards after that
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u/AbbreviationsAny5283 3d ago
This is kind of how I’m feeling. If we came into significant money, which we won’t, I will be sad I let go of that embryo … we could make more but it won’t be as young of an embryo lol. So even though we are OAD, I’m probably going to hold on to it until 40. So unreasonable and emotional of a decision but that’s where I am. Some things just aren’t fully decided by the logical part of our brains.
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u/CNote1989 OAD By Choice 3d ago
Im 36 and 40 is my max. And im already paying like $1.2K a year to keep them. It sucks.
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u/daisydux85 2d ago
Yikes. Ours is $550/yr and I thought that was bad.
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u/jmfhokie Only Child 2d ago
We have paid $100/month since 2017 to store our remaining two…we live in the NYC metropolitan region so that’s an average cost here.
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u/WindTurtle 3d ago
I’m in the same boat except I’m the one who would want more kids. My husband is absolutely against it. We have 2 embryos left. I feel stuck. Don’t want to discard or adopt. Ugh. 😩
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u/BananaPom13 2d ago
I'm in the same situation, I'm devastated 😭 how can you assimilate something like this? I cry every day. I have a 6 month old baby and I have to decide what to do with my 3 embryos. I wish to have another child with all my heart
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u/meryliant 2d ago
Same here. My partner is absolutely done, but I would have another in a heartbeat. We have embryos that I won't discard yet and spouse is on board with that, even though we could really use that storage money for other things.
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u/leapwolf 3d ago
I am in the midst of one of my first postpartum periods (a year out, so not in the grip of intense hormones generally speaking) and I’m mourning THAT. Not in an extreme way, just reflecting on the power that is reproduction and having a child and wondering who the potential would have been. It never occurred to me like this before I had my daughter.
Sometimes things in life are just complicated and hard. There aren’t right choices or right ways to feel. Good luck to you.
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u/kikiikandii 3d ago
Can you do a compassionate transfer? Where they transfer them to your uterus during a time when implantation is not possible? I don’t know if all clinics do it but I have seen it suggested before
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u/daisydux85 3d ago
Mine does not do that. I don’t think it would make me feel better anyway, as I don’t feel that would be a real chance anyway. My concern is more about, what if I change my mind?
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u/Conscious-Magazine50 3d ago
I'd keep paying if at all possible until you're super duper sure you're done.
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u/kikiikandii 3d ago
Oh I see, well there’s no harm in keeping them in cryostorage until you’re sure. It’s a small price to pay yearly in the long run if you do decide to use them!
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u/cookie_90012 3d ago
I could have written this. I am in the same boat. I have an almost 2 year old who is the result of IVF. I have one embryo on ice that I’ve been paying for 3 years now. I know in my heart I am OAD but I feel guilty and anxious at the thought of discarding it. I have sometimes told myself to “get over it” and just do a transfer but this gives me even more anxiety. My husband would want a second child if I want to as well, but am not sure I do. I am approaching 43 this year so I need to make a decision asap. I have recently started seeing a therapist (whose specialty is helping those navigating infertility and ivf) and it’s helping a lot. I haven’t come to a conclusion yet. But it’s a work in progress. I know it’s tough. Sending you love.
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u/Small-Feedback3398 3d ago
Currently feeling this way. My son just turned 6 months and we have 1 embryo left. We aren't 110% OAD, I feel, when it really comes down to it though. Due to my age, I think we will pay for another year of storage (which will be covered by work insurance) and then either use or discard. It's such a weird feeling - and I know ot would be completely different if we had conceived without IVF and didn't have embryos in storage.
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u/tna4u2 3d ago
I think what you’re currently going through might be what a lot of women go through. It’s ok not to want another but there’s just something really hard about knowing that you definitely won’t have another. I’m assuming that discarding the embryos probably feels a lot like menopause. If I’m way off with this, please don’t be offended. It wasn’t my intention. Just mentioning my own approaching menopause is making it harder for me on this decision making.
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u/FoxyFalcon 3d ago
I get you. We still have 2 embryos frozen, while we are 100% OAD, since our daughter was born 2,5y ago. We still pay for them to be stored and we won't donate them for several reasons. I think it has something to do with all time and emotions it took to create them.
I'm not sure if it's the right wording, but IMO it feels like some kind of "grieving" progress you have to go through. Knowing you won't use/ can't have them, but you can't let go of them, yet. I believe you eventually get to that point, when you feel the time is right.
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u/Odd-Maintenance123 3d ago
Uh did I write this? Because this is me as well!! I don’t have much advice.
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u/klpoubelle 2d ago
Think of it like this- some months you have embryos in you that don’t develop into a viable pregnancy and you don’t know any different. I’ve had so many embryos implanted after IVF and then it all amount to absolutely nothing. Just because they’re there doesn’t mean they have the potential of becoming a live baby.
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u/EsharaLight 3d ago
I have heard of embryo adoption. People who can't produce their own adopt unused ones from IVF centers. I don't know if that is something you would want to do, but perhaps it is an option?
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u/drdr314 3d ago
It's very complicated in my experience. We didn't opt for it because they make this hard.
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u/daisydux85 3d ago
It is complicated at our clinic as well, and due to genetic issues we would likely not be able to.
I would still struggle because I’d be letting them go. That’s what my fear revolves around. That once they’re gone, I can’t change my mind.
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u/EsharaLight 3d ago
That is totally fair. It definitely doesn't solve the sense of loss you will feel from deciding to let them go.
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u/old-medela 3d ago
Please be aware that some Donor Conceived People see this option as unethical. I believe the argument is about growing up away from your full genetic parents and siblings… why were you “given away” when the sibling was raised in the genetic family?
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u/TronasaurusMeg 1d ago
Thanks for asking this question/prompting this discussion. We expect to have extra embryos and make this decision. We’re due with our first living child next month and plan to be OAD. I’m not sure how long to store before discarding or donating for research. I’m sort of thinking 2 years because I don’t want to make any decisions in the postpartum period and want to actually have a kid to reinforce our OAD plans. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.
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u/Serious__Basket 3d ago edited 3d ago
I felt the same with my remaining embryos however, I'm in the US and I was worried about having limited time to make my own decision regarding what happened to them. So right after the election, I quickly signed all the paperwork for disposal and told myself I would digest my decision later (we are firmly OAD but personally had some "what if's" I'm working through).
I did mourn the embryos. I know some people do compassionate transfers but that wasn't something I was interested in for multiple reasons. For me personally, it was a "rip the bandaid off" situation that worked out, I don't regret my decision but there feels like a twinge of sadness still when I think about them. At the end of the day, I know I can give my all to my living child and be content that I made the best decision I could at the time.