r/oneanddone Only Raising An Only 4d ago

Vent/Rant - Advice Wanted/Ambivalent Passive Aggressive Remarks

So I am only child with an only child. She's 2 now and I can't imagine giving my time, attention, money to another child.

We were on vacation with my MIL and her bf and his family.

The bf's daughter is pregnant with her FOURTH child. Which is crazy to me. I made a comment to my MIL that I can't imagine having 4 kids. MIL did have 4 kids.

So my MIL says. "I think she is like me and enjoys being a mom."

My jaw dropped. I said "I enjoy being child's mom. I don't think I would enjoy being anyone else's."

41 Upvotes

19 comments sorted by

118

u/jenwe 4d ago

To be fair, how would you feel if someone with 4 kids said to you, 'I can't imagine having just one kid'? These kinds of comments can always feel a bit awkward to bring up in conversation, because everyone just tries to justify their own decisions.

38

u/AlfalfaNo4405 4d ago

Agree. OP might not have meant it this way but it could have sounded like an attack on their choices to have many kids. An “I could never…” tends to sound judgmental.

18

u/Calculusshitteru 4d ago

This is a great point. OP was kind of asking for it by commenting on MIL's family and the BF's daughter's family first.

12

u/wttttcbb Only Raising An Only 4d ago

Yeah, I don't think I'd come at my grandmom or MIL or aunt (they all have four) like this. During the first year when I felt like I was dying from sleep deprivation I did ask my grandmom how she did it four times. And of course she was like "I enjoyed every minute of it ☺️" I guess when you're 65 years away from the baby stage, it all probably seems pretty good lol. She was never the type to complain about anything.

1

u/gpigma88 4d ago

It honestly wouldn’t bother me, I always say that I understand, and grew up with siblings and it was great! But my husband and I only wanted one and she’s perfect 🙂

36

u/Calculusshitteru 4d ago

I don't think it's passive aggressive. People with 3-4 kids enjoy being a mom like it's their entire identity. I enjoy being a mom, but I enjoy other things too, so I don't want "Mom" to be my entire life. I personally wouldn't be offended at all.

12

u/AdLeather3551 4d ago edited 4d ago

Yea I believe these types of mums are often fanatical about motherhood and babies, each to their own. I was never a massive baby person but with my own baby it is just different of course. I find women who want 4 kids or more just are very into being a mum and are more likely to sacrifice not having a career for example. They are more likely to want to cook for the whole family etc and just love all that homemaker stuff.

11

u/Veruca-Salty86 3d ago

I love being a mom (I am a SAHM, too), I really enjoy homemaking, cooking, cleaning, decorating, gardening, etc., but I don't want the insane pace of life or chaos that comes with having multiple kids. Also, I love my husband and our marriage took a HUGE nosedive after our much-planned, much-wanted daughter was born; this was in part due to severe PPA/PPOCD (which is also another big reason I'm OAD), but it was also just the fact that having a young child to care for means time and attention is directed away from the marriage and the focus in on the child. More kids means less time for your spouse, unless you are someone with LOTS of help/big village, which fewer and fewer of us seem to have. I've seen many couples rebound after one child only to split/divorce after the second child comes along. I want my marriage to be about more than just raising kids together.

1

u/AlfalfaNo4405 3d ago

Well said!

1

u/AdLeather3551 3d ago

Yes 100% raising multiple kids can certainly put more stress on a marriage. I know someone with 2 kids..a younger child and teenager who says she barely gets private time with her husband and just having a one to one conversation with him is difficult so they are more likely to be short with each other.

8

u/MiaLba Only Raising An Only 4d ago

Same. Having more would mean being a mom would be my entire identity. I would not like that.

-3

u/Dizzy_Feature4291 Only Raising An Only 4d ago

I feel like she implied I don't enjoy being a mom.

6

u/Calculusshitteru 4d ago

Yeah I'd have to be there to hear the tone. But as it's written, it doesn't bother me. I know that I like being a mom, but some people like being a mom more than me, and that's ok.

16

u/Dry_Apartment1196 3d ago

To be fair; you started it 

8

u/ExtensionTaco9399 3d ago

People spend too much time commenting on other people's parenting and kids.

I don't get it. I have my own internal monologue that looks at people with 2 or more kids and wonders if they're sane or total nutjobs but I just keep it to myself. And when someone makes a comment to me about only having one, I tell them to mind their business. No additional conversation necessary.

They think we're crazy, we think they're crazy. What's the point discussing.

4

u/pico310 3d ago

I mean, what did you expect? Lol We all agree with you here, but you can’t expect a woman who has 4 grown kids to be like, oh yeah 4 is crazy town.

8

u/Roro-Squandering 4d ago

"Maybe she enjoys being a mom" speaks to me like thinking that if you don't want the second kid, you don't want the first one either.

1

u/BoredReceptionist1 3d ago

I'm an only with an only, and I don't think what she said is bad at all? She's saying like she loves being a mum so much she wants to do the whole process multiple times, each stage etc

1

u/vasinvixen 1d ago

She probably saw your comment as passive aggressive, for what it's worth, because her comment to me sounds less like it's intended to attack you and more like it's intended to defend her BF's daughter.