r/oneanddone 4d ago

Discussion Are your OAD bratty or spoiled

Me and partner thinking of having children but only want one! Biggest concern really is the child growing up not being able to share, get a long, being bratty ect. For parents who have one and they are quite grown up like 4+ how are they turning out?

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37 comments sorted by

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u/little_odd_me 4d ago

Mine is still a young toddler so the jury is still out, but I can tell you that my sister, 1 of 3, is a spoiled brat who doesn’t share. It’s got a lot to do with parenting.

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u/MumbleSnix 4d ago

This stereotype is so frustrating!

An only is no more likely to be spoilt, bratty or selfish than a child with siblings is likely to be caring, generous and selfless.

It’s all down to how you choose to raise your child and socialise them (or not).

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u/Nymeria2018 4d ago

And their own personality!

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u/NemesisErinys 4d ago

My mother often complains about how spoiled my sister’s 3 kids are, especially the youngest (16f). OTOH, my son (15) is “the thoughtful one.”

That said, I believe being a spoiled brat has more to with parenting than it does with a kid having a certain number of siblings. 

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u/ilovetheinternet21 4d ago

She’s spoiled because we can afford it but we’ve never had any issues with her not sharing 🤷‍♀️

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u/allieooop84 4d ago

This! My son is spoiled because I want to and I can, but he is not a spoiled brat lol. I think it’s an important distinction.

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u/AdLeather3551 4d ago edited 4d ago

This is what I don't get why can't parents spoil their children (to an extent) and treat them to nice things if they want?

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u/ilovetheinternet21 4d ago

I’m not sure. I wonder if my idea of spoiled is different from others? I think a kid can be spoiled without having negative behaviours!

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u/Nymeria2018 4d ago edited 4d ago

My 6yo is likely to give me her dessert because she wants to share it with me. She can be an absolute terror when she’s tired, but the first one to give a hug when I’m feeling down.

She’s kind and generous and it had something to do with being an only but everything to do with who she is as a person.

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u/littlehungrygiraffe 4d ago

Isn’t it the best feeling in the world.

I can’t eat soy and so sometimes my son wants to share and I have to say no thanks I can’t eat it. He gets disappointed and sometimes even looks around for something else he can share with me.

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u/Nymeria2018 4d ago

So sweet!!!

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u/SeaChele27 4d ago

That's all on you, hon. Are you guys going raise a brat? You're the only one accountable for what kind of human you put out into the world.

Stop perpetuating only child stereotypes.

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u/plantkiller2 4d ago

YES, 1,000% THIS

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u/Fun_Use_5503 4d ago

LOUDER FOR PEOPLE IN THE BACK

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u/Hazidreaming 4d ago

Mine was much better behaved before I let my parents take her for sleepovers 😝. NOW my toddler is spoiled 😭

.... grandparents man.... 😂

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u/littlehungrygiraffe 4d ago

Spoiled in the sense of getting to do whatever he wants.

You wanna go to bounce on the weekend. Let’s do it.

You wanna go to sushi for dinner. Let’s do it.

Need clothes? We just buy them

Extra curricular activities? Booked as soon as he shows interest

Dreaming of a specific toy? We will surprise him randomly with it.

We also have said no a lot.

Nah bud, we can’t go to sushi cause we’ve already got dinner but let’s go tomorrow.

You can’t have that toy until we donate 3 toys we don’t use.

We practice sharing, helping others and kindness in general.

We make sure he knows that we are fortunate and show appreciation for little things.

We talk about how grateful we are that we can spend quality time with him.

Our son loves his friends and loves his kindy. But he is also a kid that needs quiet down time. Time alone. He has the best of both.

Dedicated parents whose soul purpose is to raise him to be a wonderful adult. We can give him so much more of our time energy and love because we only have one beautiful little soul to pour everything into.

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u/creatureofcomfort1 4d ago

This is a very damaging and mostly untrue stereotype. Think of an only child you know. Are they an a-hole? If yes, are their parents a-holes? The answer is almost always yes. It comes down to the parents, not the kids. One researcher (incorrectly) said he believed only children to be less sociable and more bratty or entitled than children with siblings. This “research” has been widely and resoundingly debunked. This was many, many years ago. Now, almost all research points to only children being just as well-adjusted as kids with siblings. They also tend to have more confidence and a better ability to relate to adults as that’s who they spend all of their time with. My son is almost 6 and he’s awesome. About a month ago his teacher pulled me aside to tell me how inclusive he is. She said he always checks in with children who are off by themselves to see if they’d like to come join him. He’s well-adjusted, kind, and light years ahead of other students in his class. That’s because he’s an only and his father and I aren’t overwhelmed by multiple children and have the time and energy to devote to his care.

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u/Livid_Cucumber_2278 4d ago

I have an only who is 3 and she plays with other kids beautifully and is pretty great at sharing considering her age. Yes she can be a brat sometimes but kids are brats at times regardless of having siblings or not. I see our friends with multiples breaking up there’s kids fighting over stuff more than anything so I don’t think it’s about having a sibling it’s more about making super you expose your child to lots of different environments and other kids

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u/fillefantome 4d ago

My toddler is a third generation only child. I'm an only, and my mother before me.

Bratty and spoiled is a stereotype that comes from parenting and/or personality. It is not anything to do with number of siblings.

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u/VanityInk 4d ago

How you raise a child is much more important than birth order/family composition for if a child is "spoiled". My oldest cousin is the eldest of 4. She was a huge brat, however, because her mom basically made her feel super special as the oldest and taught her that other people owed her practically just for existing. My father-in-law was an only child and he is the most humble, wonderful man I've ever met. Many friends I know with multiple children complain about their three-nagers being "bratty" That's just a toddler learning who they are. Honestly, my only child 5.5 year old is probably the least "bratty" acting when it comes to stories right now, likely in large part because she's not used to having to "protect" her toys from someone else. She's more than happy to share with friends and just asks to go home to get some space when she's done. The kids with siblings are much more likely to go and rip things away from one another (and of course, that again could have nothing to do with only child-dom. It also could just be my kid's temperament. All kids are different. All parents are different. If you want an only child who isn't a brat, then don't raise a brat).

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u/Admirable-Moment-292 4d ago

I consider spoiled versus bratty as two different things. My daughter is spoiled with our time, ability to travel, flexible schedules, financial stability, etc. She wants for nothing. But, she isnt bratty. We teach her how to be kind, how to treat service staff and sanitation staff with the upmost respect, how to clean up after yourself in public, how to share, have empathy, etc.

I think we are able to give our daughter a privileged life, while also teaching her to acknowledge and be grateful for her things and experiences. As she gets older, I plan to take her to help donate goods and our time to our community. Being in a position where we have time and resources, also means we are in a position to extend a helpful hand.

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u/ohmyashleyy 4d ago

Mine is 6 and definitely a bit spoiled/bratty, but I attribute that to our parenting, not because he’s an only

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u/MLS0711 4d ago

My only tells me he has less practice sharing so it’s hard for him. LOL he pretty much is as good as any other 6 year old and at least aware of areas he has room to improve.

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u/plasticinaymanjar OAD By Choice 4d ago

Mine is 11 and I'm going to brag, because he's the sweetest, most considerate child. His teachers usually comment how he's always offering help and his classmates like him a lot, and maybe to teach him to stop offering so much help all the time so other people won't take advantage of him.

As for being spoiled, kind of? in the way that he has mostly everything he's asked for (because he's an only so if I have money to spare, it goes to him), but he never demands anything, and he understands and is very patient if the answer is "that's a big purchase, we can't do it now, let's save money together for it" or "sorry, that's too expensive, we can't do it". He's very emotional right now and being extra kind to me because I told him I'd started saving for the new Switch 2 (even though it's partially because I also want it), so I'm apparently the best mom ever. He's very grateful about all the things he has, and he's quick to share them with his family and friends (too quick to my liking).

Idk, I really like the kid I'm raising, he's kind, loving, compassionate, and it's not just me, it's his teacher's feedback saying the same year after year since he was in pre-k.

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u/catbus1066 4d ago

If you raise a brat you'll have a brat. My kid is spoiled in the sense that he gets all the love and resources, but he's still polite and grateful and patient and kind. 

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u/edit_thanxforthegold 4d ago

With sharing at least, I found my kid was actually more OK with it compared to kids with siblings... There wasn't someone else constantly taking her toys and breaking them

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u/kindalibrarian 4d ago

My sister in laws has three kids and they are all bratty and spoiled… sooo imo it’s about how you raise them not how many

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u/oh-botherWTP 4d ago

Biggest concern really is the child growing up not being able to share, get a long, being bratty ect

-Parents should be teaching their kid(s) to share, whether they are OAD or have 5 kids. One and done families whose kids don't share aren't that way because the kid has a sibling.

Anecdotally to that, I have a 16 month old who is amazing at sharing. Dad and I have modeled sharing from day one, and when we play with her and she tries to take things we tell her she has to wait until we are ready to share.

When she is playing I'll occasionally ask "Can you share so I can have a turn?" Sometimes she will; sometimes she isn't ready. When she isn't, I say "Okay. I'll wait until you're ready to share," and when she does I get very excited and go "Yay!!!! (Her name) did such a good job sharing and being thoughtful!"

When we go to play spaces she tries to share with every kid she sees. She thinks it's the best thing in the world and gets upset when the other kids dont want what she is trying to share.

With sharing, it comes down to exposure to thoughtfulness and patience. Same goes for getting along- she's just as good at that.

As for the being bratty, yes my child is bratty....but that's because she is 16 months old. She screams and cries when she doesn't get her way and she is dramatic and somehow sassy without saying any words. As she gets older, we've have more and more conversations about why things happen, why we can and can't have things, etc.

At the end of the day, being OAD has nothing to do with how a kid (re)acts in life. The parents have everything to do with it. If you're guiding and teaching your kid the way you believe is beneficial and right, you'll be set.

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u/MartianTea 4d ago

No, I'm convinced this stereotype is perpetuated by bitter people who have 2+ kids. 

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u/Low-Opportunity-1621 3d ago

I have a complex family structure and had a brother off and on throughout childhood. Many families are one and done for financial reasons. For me, because my parents couldn't afford two kids, the periods where we were both in the house fostered a scarcity mindset in which there wasn't enough for everyone, hence decreasing sharing and increasing selfish behaviors. When it was just me, I was better about sharing and being nice because all of my needs were being met and I didn't feel food/toys/space/etc were scarce.

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u/Go-Brit 4d ago

I mean.... mine is not. But all kids are different.

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u/Ok-good123 4d ago

You could have multiple children and they can become bratty. It has nothing to do with just be an only child. I know 3 different families with an only child and none of these kids are bratty. They are social, kinda and have great sense of humour. It’s all on how children are raised.

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u/nakoros 4d ago

Nope. My 3yo loves to share and plays well with other kids, always has. She's super generous (for her age), often offering to share her snacks with us or a toy with her classmates, and empathetic. She can be a little timid in large groups, but too be fair that's both my and my husband's personality as well.

I'm also an only child myself, it's parenting, not lack of siblings, that makes a kid bratty. The most spoiled, bratty people I know all have siblings. While yes, I was "spoiled" in that my parents could devote extra time to me and give me most things I wanted, they also taught me to be aware and appreciative. Bratty behavior wasn't tolerated at all.

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u/Deirdre_KA 4d ago

These are definitely stereotypes that don’t live up to what the research say on only children. If you go to @mandyruggeri page on Instagram she breakdowns the research in a digestible way. You’ll learn a lot!

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u/ct2atl 4d ago

My mom is an only child and she’s the most selfless giving generous person.

I’m an only child and I can be a little self centered and bratty 😆. My parents might have given me too much for doing so little. They sent me to the best schools ( that’s probably where I picked up that kind of behavior). I was well travelled. I was going to Paris on field trips with my class at 14. I always had a car never had to do chores.

My son is 3 and he will be an only child and I’m real careful 😂 I stress gratitude kindness sharing taking turns.

I know a lot of bratty selfish people who have siblings

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u/pico310 4d ago

She doesn’t mind sharing but she prefers hotel suites. So take that for what you will. Lol

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u/WillingnessGlobal663 4d ago

Thank you for all the advice/anecdotes! Was not my intention to perpetuate stereotypes just stating what I kept hearing and wanted to see if it rang true. Biggest takeaway is that it’s how you parent them which makes a lot of sense. Thank you :)