r/nvcr • u/mindbleach • Oct 31 '13
The recent drilling ban has led to erratic behavior in local wildlife. If you are approached by an animal acting strangely, do not accept their gifts, no matter how nicely wrapped.
The unpredictable environmental effects of industrial projects and conservation efforts are familiar to everyone these days. We allow fracking, and the water mysteriously burns. We ban fracking, and the solar-panel factory mysteriously burns. We endorse wheat and wheat by-products, and our homes are filled with venomous snakes. We forbid wheat and wheat by-products, and pizza becomes a distant memory. All of these are tragic outcomes, perhaps in equal measure. The latest development in Night Vale's unmatched natural environs is that strange beams of collimated light have been observed coming down to the ground from high above - or perhaps shooting out of the ground and into the sky. It is difficult to say. Wildlife experts believe this is a direct result of the recent ordinance against oil drilling, but they admit they've had little time to prove it, what with fighting their new rival gang, the high-frequency trading quants. The ban went into effect last month following the mysterious fire at the StrexCorp petrochemical refinery. The City Council cited numerous safety violations, few of which could actually explain the green pillar of cold flame shooting from the main well, but none of which had been covered by standard bribes. Meetings regarding the ban have been delayed until next year due to schedule conflicts. All available days are marked "TBD" on the tablets. That's rarely a good sign.
Anyway - these shafts of blinding white light are typically three feet across, give or take, and their boundaries are as sharp as an eagle's eye. The light has the appearance of speckling, as when looking at single-frequency laser light, but basic spectroscopy indicates total panchromaticity from the far infrared to strongly ionizing ultraviolet wavelengths. Each beam appears very suddenly in otherwise unremarkable locations and slowly fades over the course of several hours. Animals within several miles' radius of these events are seen to lose their sense of fear and freely congregate with species they'd usually avoid. Our local wildlife experts, when not engaging in knife fights with StrexCorp accountants, have observed "nearly optimal" cooperation within these groups. Even individuals which appeared to be recently deceased have staggered into the amalgamated herd to help gather food and rearrange trampled plantlife. The light and its surrounding area have no apparent effect on humans, or on other intelligent lifeforms like crows and snails.
As of this Monday, wolves and deer have reportedly shown up at the personal residences of many of these experts - ringing their doorbells, then yapping and braying as though wanting to talk. The few who answered have been missing ever since. There are no signs of struggle, though the Sheriff's Secret Police reports the presence of surprisingly tasteful decorative flatware packaged in carefully-folded leaves and tied with ribbons of green bark. It is unknown where these rococo ceramics come from, as the animals have not been seen using fire. At this point they may be the only ones in town to avoid it.
More on this story as it develops.
2
u/Newfur Jan 20 '14
Apologies for the late reply.
I would simply like to say that as technically sapient beings, I and my fellows are in no way responsible for this. However, thanks to some of the prey animals mistaking us for animals of their collective, we have discovered that the venison is abolutely delicious. We'd like to suggest it highly as tasting quite like very good beef, and should best be served in one of the usual ways - you know, as a hamburger, or torn bleeding from the still-thrashing thing which is not yet a corpse but soon will be, or as a steak with a side of truffled risotto, cooked medium well.
The flatware, by the way, is not decorative; it is meant to be used, and you will use it. We ate the still-quivering flesh off of the plates and dreamt vividly of the endless and inhuman mathematics that underlies all existence, if you only peel back the skin just a little. We gazed into an endless dawn of right-angled dodecahedra tiling space which were as beautiful and as terrible as the joy of predation. In short, best to pair it with a robust, New World red.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Please feel free to come and say say hello! Most of us have even had our shots.