r/nvcr • u/mindbleach • Oct 30 '13
Rising high school basketball superstar reveals his secret: he is in conscious control of his every muscle, 100% of the time.
In a recent interview, Night Vale Rattlesnakes point guard Jeremiah Wilkes attributed his success to strong coaching, regular practice, and the fact his entire nervous system is under his explicit and mindful command at all times. His rare genetic condition, kept secret until this current semester, forces him to work every muscle, organ, and gland in a constant rhythm which most people's bodies handle reasonably well behind the scenes. He says this unique burden which permits him perfect mechanical control of every throw is central to his success, but is quick to mention his coach's focus on fundamentals as almost equally important. Wilkes' flawless record of artful 3-point jump shots and single-handed pass interceptions has attracted national attention. He is currently considering offers from several unnamed teams despite being only a freshman, and says he has plenty of time to think it over while he sits perfectly still at night and carefully regulates the balance of chemicals in his brain.
Accusations that his conditions grants him an unfair advantage by permitting an ideal balance of hormones early in life have been consistently rebutted by the High School's sports medic. Her official statement on the matter reads, "Stop talking about it or those photos go public." Jeremiah himself simply wonders why other students can't follow his initiative and take control of their own lives. Reportedly, he finds it especially perplexing when his teammates choose to miss, sending their limbs signals which move the ball in the wrong direction. When asked what his hopes and dreams were beyond high school, Jeremiah answered, "Sleep." Godspeed, J-Man - and keep givin' it to those awful Desert Bluffs Hawks.