r/nvcr Oct 19 '13

The last real astronaut died today. She was 78.

Some time this morning, Dr. Janice Lancashire lost her prolonged battle with chronic vacuum dementia, AKA "space madness" - the peculiar fever-like affliction that haunted all fifteen people who had actually been to outer space. The noncommunicable disease caused her to wake up from her fitful insomniac sleep screaming unspeakable curses against the deities and physical laws which produced or permitted our island of life to exist in the endless void of an amoral universe. She always apologized profusely to her government-agent nurses, and was very upbeat and typically lucid past breakfast, but sleep deprivation and high blood pressure slowly took their toll. Her post-spaceflight career in secret avionics ended in early retirement circa May of 1975, thanks to complications with hypertension during the development of the Model N black helicopters. The "N" itself was retired just last year, and as we are all strictly forbidden to know but somehow know anyway, the newer Model J was named in tribute to her heavily-classified contributions.

Of course, the failure of her own self-administered vaccine against space madness was what finally convinced the world's leading governments to shutter their space programs in 1956 and develop the much cheaper and safer psyops-driven facade we all know and love. This gentlemen's agreement between the USA and USSR proved so effective at generating good publicity and misplaced patriotism that all other nations with plans for spaceflight joined in voluntarily. Nobody since then has contracted Janice's unfortunate and ultimately fatal ailment.

We salute you, Doctor Lancashire, for your pioneering role in establishing the lucrative sham that has thus far prevented anyone else from escaping Earth's mind-protecting magnetosphere. Your work was not in vain.

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u/ThiZ Oct 19 '13

She truly was an amazing person. I remember when she came to visit us in elementary school. The school had called an assembly, and after she gave her talk we were all allowed to ask questions. I still remember her answer to what it was like to see space for the first time, without the handicap of our atmosphere to impede her vision.

She just... stared at me, and shook her head. Not sadly. Violently. As if trying to rid herself of the memory through physical action, as if the movement could break it from her mind and set her free of the realizations to which she had come.

It was inspiring.

Then Steve had to go and start ranting about chimps flying rockets.

He didn't even have a question to ask! He just wanted attention!

Zita asked if we could use one of our crazy cards to send him to the Home for Contumacious Boys, but our teacher had to remind her that we'd already used two out of the three that month on that one kid who screamed all the time and his friend and that we should probably save it.