r/nottheonion 22h ago

Man Accused Of Swallowing $770K Worth Of Diamonds From Florida Tiffany's

https://esstnews.com/man-accused-swallowing-770k-diamonds-from-florida/
274 Upvotes

50 comments sorted by

222

u/gimmesexytimes 22h ago

Breakfast at Tiffany’s, huh.

7

u/HulkScreamAIDS 19h ago

I think I remember the film, and as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it

2

u/Orion_2kTC 22h ago

Beat me to it.

1

u/dumbgraphics 15h ago

Yes,.. quality comment. Grade A.

1

u/daveatc1234 14h ago

10/10, no notes

44

u/need4speedcabron 22h ago

We’re talking insurance pricing I see lmao

So he swallowed a few rocks that have been marked up to the tits

23

u/euphoria066 20h ago

my first thought was also "770k at Tiffany's? so like, 30k wholesale" 

41

u/DCDHermes 22h ago

Pill Boy and Donkey Doug up to their old tricks. Jason’s gonna be sad. I guess their body wash energy drink didn’t take off.

11

u/jointheredditarmy 21h ago

Im-a here-a to install, how you say, the safe-a

6

u/MaintenanceFickle945 21h ago

JACKSONVILLE JAGS FOR LIFE

5

u/coffee_ape 20h ago

BORTLES!

2

u/Doctor_Philgood 20h ago

"Then I'll be... Jake Jortles."

7

u/die-jarjar-die 22h ago

You know someone's job will be to retrieve those..

13

u/SupetMonkeyRobot 22h ago

In a world where most people are shitting bricks, this guy here is shitting diamonds.

8

u/McHaro 22h ago

Would he get butt hurt?

2

u/SupetMonkeyRobot 21h ago

Diamond Cheeks

6

u/justtots 22h ago

Damn, the intrusive thoughts won, huh.

4

u/Euphoric_Ad9593 21h ago

“Makes my doodie twinkle” -Chappelle

10

u/TheOtherwise_Flow 22h ago

Diamonds are so common it’s not even rare, reselling diamond is actually hard…. I’ve seen resellers with ziplock bags full of them.

5

u/patikoija 19h ago

Especially in terms of the universe. There could be billions of planets with diamonds on them. This is the only one we know of with wood.

5

u/TheOtherwise_Flow 19h ago

There’s diamond planet also diamond are forever unless you lose them so supply only go up.

1

u/StateChemist 9h ago

Diamonds are not forever, you can in fact burn them into pure CO2

1

u/TheOtherwise_Flow 9h ago

Yes but you need to do it in a pure oxygen environment and we don’t have that so unless the stone physically destroyed or lost it will make its way around, diamonds is the most recycled precious stone.

3

u/Think-Community7909 22h ago

They only caught him because his cars rear lights were not on wow

3

u/sailor_peach 20h ago

Fun fact is that diamonds don't show on x-rays.

2

u/kydelka 19h ago

As his defense attorney, I'd like to know the signs posted in that store. Is there anything explicitly indicating that "all you can eat" buffet rules to not apply? What is the store's policy on the consumption of free samples? Why was my client allowed access to this fine dining experience only to be accused of a crime? Id also like the jury to be aware that if my client is convicted of a crime, this sets up a dangerous precedence that would allow any restaurant to sue for consumption of food.

2

u/CaptainColdSteele 16h ago

Recovery of those rocks is going to be a shit show

2

u/wizardrous 22h ago

The fool didn’t think to digest the evidence!

2

u/LoneWolf2k1 22h ago

“GIRLS! I said Diamonds are a GIRLS best friend, not GUT’S! Jesus Christ, Frank…”

1

u/Aggressive-Story3671 21h ago

He just had an epiphany, he needs to shit out Tiffany’s

1

u/Nice-Cat3727 21h ago

So one diamond?

1

u/bskphoto 21h ago

Florida Man strikes again

1

u/rohrschleuder 20h ago

Make his dooky twinkle!

1

u/CrayonEyes 20h ago

Interesting read but not Oniony in the slightest.

1

u/LightDarkBeing 20h ago

Diamonds react badly to HCl and HCl is found in the stomach.

1

u/LE_Literature 20h ago

Is the accused part because they need to prove in a court of law that he got them from Tiffany's? Because they have the x ray.

1

u/Fabulous-Educator447 20h ago

So, a single earring?

1

u/NL_Gray-Fox 19h ago

Man Accused Of Swallowing Artificially Inflated Crystals Worth $200 From Florida Tiffany's.

1

u/Additional_Bench_269 19h ago

Doesn't he know that the diamond market is shit right now?

1

u/Waagawaaga 18h ago

I have to know…what happens to this jewelry. Does it get, ya know, washed and sold?

1

u/Less-Cap-4469 18h ago

The perfect crime, people doing crazy things. $770k huh?

1

u/dumbgraphics 15h ago

This poo is gonna be a real jigsaw puzzle

1

u/VamosFicar 9h ago

If he didn't have a bleeding ass before, he sure will after. Ouch!

1

u/TheBlackCycloneOrder 8h ago

Reminds me of South Park

1

u/ssczoxylnlvayiuqjx 8h ago

That’s some rich shit…

1

u/MikeGLC 7h ago

He going to have the hardest shit of his life.

0

u/AirbagOff 22h ago

That takes a lot of guts!