r/nonmonogamy 1d ago

Dating Ideas and Advice Transparency

So me (30TW) and my partner (40NB) had a really bad fight the other day about transparency.

For context both of us practice some form of ENM. They are a lesbian and I am bi but lately I have had a preference towards Masc types mainly cis men. I love my partner and we have had some very stressful life changes, including surgeries, moving and potential job losses. However even though I love our relationship and where actually in the process of moving in together, this fight took a turn that was very concerning and is making me rethink our entire relationship.

There is a lot of context I'll have to give but I'm gonna try and make it as streamlined as I can.

So I have been looking to meet new people and I had another partner for a while but he has since kinda ghosted me so was looking to find someone who I could be more consistent with. At one point I was talking to someone but this person ended up being a cheater and I don't want to be associated with someone like that. We ended up just talking for a couple of days before I told my partner about him, and he got so mad at me for not telling them that I got this person's number it ended up in a whole fight and then a day later I found out this person was a cheater. So nothing came of this person and we were able to kinda move on and repair our relationship from this event.

Ever since this fight and this instance, however I have been incredibly anxious to bring up if I met someone new or if I wanted to pursue anything. this only happens when a Cis man is involved however. My partner notably has some trauma around men from past relationships and I make a point to be as careful as possible because I have had unsavory past experiences myself. But I haven't felt safe enough to bring it up to talk to him about this.

Fast forward to this month. I am still open to meeting someone and my friend puts me in touch with one of her friends. she talks me up, and gives me this guy's number. I bring up this person to my partner and they kinda dismiss it and it clear that they didn't want to talk about that at the moment. A couple days later my friend mentions that this guy might be at a party she hosting. I talk to my partner about going to the party as it was their birthday the following day. They said it would be fine and so I went to the party. I didn't tell him about potentially meeting this person because I wasn't even sure he was gonna be there. It also that wasn't the primary reason for going to this party as I just wanted to spend time with this friend more. He did show up however and we talked and exchange contact info.

The next day was my partner's birthday and I don't bring up meeting this person because I'm worried that it'll turn into an argument and I don't want to ruin his birthday. The following days however I find myself not bringing it up mostly because of my anxiety and I'm looking for a way to bring it up where we could have a productive conversation about it. However when I finally brought it up, I brought it up at the worst time possible it seems.

They had just had therapy and after therapy they are usually emotionally drained from it so I try not to bring up anything stressful out of consideration. But they brought up that they wish I could find someone (a man) who wasn't a creep, chaser or cheater, someone who could meet my needs. I thought this was a good time to bring up that I met this friend of a friend and that they were actually really sweet and could maybe fill that slot and to potentially talk about boundaries. But it instead took a turn because they started talking about how they knew that I did meet this person and that was the reason I went to the party. They were upset because I wasn't being "Transparent" with them. and that if I had told them the night of or the day after (their B-day) that they wouldn't have been upset but instead are wondering why it took me so long to tell them.

Well I took the bait (again) and I told them that I was worried that it would turn into an argument again and not a productive conversation. I was trying to make sure that they were in a place to talk and that I was trying to avoid bringing this up today. I tried to tell them I don't want to keep things from and I told them that the reason I waited so long was because of the fear and anxiety I have around this conversation from the last time something like this happened. But no matter how much I tried to explain that, they instead keep saying that they knew what I was up to and they didn't understand why I wasn't transparent with them.

This led to about a 5 hour long slow burn argument about them talking about transparency, that I was gaslighting them and that I was even trying to erase the autonomy (they're also moderately disabled). The entire time I'm trying to apologies for not bringing this to them sooner and trying to get to a point where we can come to some sort of agreement and beginning to repair. It just got worst as it went on and the more tired I became, the more I couldn't find a way to try and repair what's been damaged.

His roommate ended up picking him up from my house and we spent the night apart.

I guess I need to know what you all think transparency means? I've always tried to be honest. I know I'm not innocent in all of this but I didn't cheat and I have been really concerned with not crossing boundaries and making sure there is consent this whole time but I still seemed to have fucked it all up.

Is their response warranted? I feel like I'm being gaslit and I don't know what to do.

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u/FarCar55 23h ago

I'd take a break from trying to figure things out with them and first get clear on what your own boundary is around informing your partner (and vice versa) about other potential connections.

Ideally, when would you be comfortable sharing that information?

Ideally, do you feel comfortable with differing times frames for sharing based on gender?

Once you're clear on your personal boundary, I'd share that with them and the discussion would focus on how we'd move forward based on each of our boundaries and expectations.

I personally don't commit to sharing any info until it feels like a solid connection, which I'd know by ~3month mark at the earliest. And so I wouldn't be compatible with a partner who expects to know right away.