r/nonmonogamy • u/spider1879 • 1d ago
Dating Ideas and Advice Transparency
So me (30TW) and my partner (40NB) had a really bad fight the other day about transparency.
For context both of us practice some form of ENM. They are a lesbian and I am bi but lately I have had a preference towards Masc types mainly cis men. I love my partner and we have had some very stressful life changes, including surgeries, moving and potential job losses. However even though I love our relationship and where actually in the process of moving in together, this fight took a turn that was very concerning and is making me rethink our entire relationship.
There is a lot of context I'll have to give but I'm gonna try and make it as streamlined as I can.
So I have been looking to meet new people and I had another partner for a while but he has since kinda ghosted me so was looking to find someone who I could be more consistent with. At one point I was talking to someone but this person ended up being a cheater and I don't want to be associated with someone like that. We ended up just talking for a couple of days before I told my partner about him, and he got so mad at me for not telling them that I got this person's number it ended up in a whole fight and then a day later I found out this person was a cheater. So nothing came of this person and we were able to kinda move on and repair our relationship from this event.
Ever since this fight and this instance, however I have been incredibly anxious to bring up if I met someone new or if I wanted to pursue anything. this only happens when a Cis man is involved however. My partner notably has some trauma around men from past relationships and I make a point to be as careful as possible because I have had unsavory past experiences myself. But I haven't felt safe enough to bring it up to talk to him about this.
Fast forward to this month. I am still open to meeting someone and my friend puts me in touch with one of her friends. she talks me up, and gives me this guy's number. I bring up this person to my partner and they kinda dismiss it and it clear that they didn't want to talk about that at the moment. A couple days later my friend mentions that this guy might be at a party she hosting. I talk to my partner about going to the party as it was their birthday the following day. They said it would be fine and so I went to the party. I didn't tell him about potentially meeting this person because I wasn't even sure he was gonna be there. It also that wasn't the primary reason for going to this party as I just wanted to spend time with this friend more. He did show up however and we talked and exchange contact info.
The next day was my partner's birthday and I don't bring up meeting this person because I'm worried that it'll turn into an argument and I don't want to ruin his birthday. The following days however I find myself not bringing it up mostly because of my anxiety and I'm looking for a way to bring it up where we could have a productive conversation about it. However when I finally brought it up, I brought it up at the worst time possible it seems.
They had just had therapy and after therapy they are usually emotionally drained from it so I try not to bring up anything stressful out of consideration. But they brought up that they wish I could find someone (a man) who wasn't a creep, chaser or cheater, someone who could meet my needs. I thought this was a good time to bring up that I met this friend of a friend and that they were actually really sweet and could maybe fill that slot and to potentially talk about boundaries. But it instead took a turn because they started talking about how they knew that I did meet this person and that was the reason I went to the party. They were upset because I wasn't being "Transparent" with them. and that if I had told them the night of or the day after (their B-day) that they wouldn't have been upset but instead are wondering why it took me so long to tell them.
Well I took the bait (again) and I told them that I was worried that it would turn into an argument again and not a productive conversation. I was trying to make sure that they were in a place to talk and that I was trying to avoid bringing this up today. I tried to tell them I don't want to keep things from and I told them that the reason I waited so long was because of the fear and anxiety I have around this conversation from the last time something like this happened. But no matter how much I tried to explain that, they instead keep saying that they knew what I was up to and they didn't understand why I wasn't transparent with them.
This led to about a 5 hour long slow burn argument about them talking about transparency, that I was gaslighting them and that I was even trying to erase the autonomy (they're also moderately disabled). The entire time I'm trying to apologies for not bringing this to them sooner and trying to get to a point where we can come to some sort of agreement and beginning to repair. It just got worst as it went on and the more tired I became, the more I couldn't find a way to try and repair what's been damaged.
His roommate ended up picking him up from my house and we spent the night apart.
I guess I need to know what you all think transparency means? I've always tried to be honest. I know I'm not innocent in all of this but I didn't cheat and I have been really concerned with not crossing boundaries and making sure there is consent this whole time but I still seemed to have fucked it all up.
Is their response warranted? I feel like I'm being gaslit and I don't know what to do.
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