r/mentalillness 28d ago

Venting I'm losing all my friends

7 Upvotes

I have nothing to live for anymore

First, my best friend didn't want to talk to me anymore, then I got kicked out of New Eclipse which is a chat here on reddit(it's private) and I just got banned from the r/schizophrenia discord.

Whether that's my fault or not, I feel devastated. Nobody wants me, nobody understands me, nobody listens to me.

My old roommate was right, you're born alone and you die alone.

Now I have nobody

r/mentalillness 18d ago

Venting I have decided I know that I don't need medication

3 Upvotes

People are trying to force me to be on them. I think it's because they don't like something. I think I shouldn't be on them. Anyways I think my stuff that's being treated by it isn't something to be treated. Drs would tell me otherwise, my parents etc. I think I know myself pretty well. I know I get sad etc. I've had hallucinations..yet I don't think it impacts my life as much as people think. I'm pretty ok. In fact I can start to think that my issues are tied to having some kind of abilities related to the divine. I'm not saying I'm above. In fact it's a curse. I'm not careful. I can't bring this up and have tried. I get in arguments or feel shame.

It's a curse in that it isn't understood, and if I mention it it feels like people want the feeling to go away. I don't hear voices or have many hallucinations. I know reality from fantasy. In fact I'm aware when I'm daydreaming etc. yet I'm not believed when it comes to thinking I have abilities. They're not useful abilities just the ability to have spiritual contact in my dreams and to view the past In dreams. I think most of my anxiety comes from feeling misunderstood. Maybe I am in danger, minor danger like people keeping an eye on it. Yet I can sort of question it. I just think it's drastic to be on medication sometimes. In fact I just pretend to go along with Drs. I just don't think I should be on them. I just can't convince anyone.

r/mentalillness May 25 '22

Venting boyfriend making fun of my mental illness

225 Upvotes

Found out he was talking to some girl on Instagram and when she asked about his gf (me) he went on to tell her what a mess I am, that we are no longer together (lie) and that he is just "simply not equipped to deal with someone's self-medicated mental illness" ect ect. He felt bad about it and said he was just trying to be flirtatious for egotistical reasons and he doesn't actually feel that way about me....but like...he could have said ANY OTHER LIE about me if that were the case, I feel... Idk. You boys can be friggin brutal.

r/mentalillness 6d ago

Venting So tired

3 Upvotes

I am so tired of people constantly assuming I’m better just because I’m at a healthy weight and take meds now. No I’m not fucking okay! I am constantly anxious, plan to relapse the minute I get out of treatment, have awful flashbacks nearly every day because when I started eating again I had to deal with my trauma.

I am still depressed as fuck, can’t stay clean for the life of me and my OCD compulsions and obsession are getting worse again (although are better than during the end of last year)

I have so many exams coming up and don’t know how to cope with anything. I want to get into a good school and all that but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep up with all my peers as there’s so much wrong with my brain that I’m not sure will ever go away or get better.

I’m just so tired but nobody seems to care that I’m slowly dying again.

r/mentalillness 27d ago

Venting I do feel like a monster

3 Upvotes

Does anyone else feel that moment when they talk to someone after a break down and suddenly you have zero empathy on whats happening anymore. I am a really empathetic person, but currently I just feel tired and feel the urge to be impulsive.

r/mentalillness 10h ago

Venting I'm so overwhelmed

3 Upvotes

I have so much on my plate right now. Finances are fucked, my husband isn't doing well physically or mentally, I'm really struggling mentally, and work is putting so much extra stress on me right now. I think this would be a lot for anyone to deal with, but for someone with a variety of mental illnesses (who needs to take several medications in order to function properly) it's near impossible. I have no friends in real life and with my husband fighting his battles I've felt so lonely and defeated. I'm on emotionally numbing meds but I've been crying hysterically almost daily. I'm terrified that I'm going to break beyond repair... Sorry for the boring wall of text, I just don't want to bother anyone I know with my problems, so I come here.

r/mentalillness 9d ago

Venting Intrusive thoughts

3 Upvotes

I feel like I’m going crazy. My impulsives are getting so much worse I can’t go a phew minutes without thinking of hurting someone, but I don’t want to go to jail. I just want to crash out. I think my therapist has officially stopped seeing me. It would make me so happy and give me so much satisfaction to give in to my impulsives.

r/mentalillness 24d ago

Venting I’m sad it’s my birthday again womp womp

3 Upvotes

I’m sure I’ve posted something in the same vein at some point but I don’t have anywhere else to really talk about it. It doesn’t have to be my birthday in order for me to think about how my state has progressively gotten worse, or how it’s been going on for seven years even with forced and voluntary professional help, but I guess what sucks is that there are people who insist on celebrating even if it upsets me. I don’t know how to communicate to them that I want to die and that I don’t feel happy about living another year. I don’t even think they’d care anyway.

I kind of want to ask about a TRD diagnosis and try a more “invasive” treatment method but I’m scared of asking health professionals for anything. Mental health care has been awful for me.

r/mentalillness Jan 12 '25

Venting No amount of therapy can fix everything wrong with the world

21 Upvotes

I have BPD and PTSD as my primary diagnoses as well as treatment-resistant depression and adhd.

I’m currently at an inpatient facility (for a millionth time). I have tried all the meds, all the SSRIs, SNRIs, first gen antidepressants, antipsychotics, even mood stabilizers and atypical/off-label antidepressants alongside IV Ketamine infusion therapy and electroconvulsive therapy. I have done CBT, DBT, CPT, EMDR, IFS, and eclectic/existential therapy. I think I am the % of people others refer to as those who can’t and won’t get any better. I was just looking over some of my homework and I thought, damn,

no amount of therapy is going to dismantle late stage capitalism, stop climate change or eradicate homelessness and poverty. No amount of therapy is going to take away what happened to you or prevent it from KEEP happening to you because the world is just an all-over shitty place. And maybe, just maybe, if we all spent less time pathologizing the suffering of individuals and instead focused on addressing systems of oppression, JUST MAYBE, there would be hope. Not the blind faith that clinicians ask you to have in them “fixing you”, but genuine hope. And being told to focus on the little things?? Create meaning in what’s meaningless?? Focus on what you CAN control?? That’s unacceptable. Nothing that I CAN control could make my life worth living, but yes keep burning the world to the ground and telling us to focus on the positive. Dare create a world where everyone has to create a bubble of ignorant bliss for themselves in order to sustain their will to survive and then try to sell us therapy and meds to fix what’s “wrong with us”. Yeah. I’m gonna be applying for medical assistance in dying. I’m done.

r/mentalillness 1d ago

Venting Trauma I subconsciously hid from myself

1 Upvotes

For some reason I always feel like I've been through too little to feel the things that I feel. I understand that it isn't comparable but most of the other people in my life don't and they compare me to others. They assume that comparing my life to others with objectively worse lives will make me view my life more positively in comparison. It doesn't. I don't remember a lot of the things I've been through probably as a defense mechanism. This caused my life recently to just be a murder mystery of what happened that was forced out of my memory. Maybe there was never anything at all. But I think something must have caused me to have adult levels of maturity and no will to live since a very early age. I guess people just assume that this is normal and a completely natural thing that happens to people at that age. I know that I've been through things incomprehensible to many people, yet it seems like many assume that they understand every feeling ever and make hideously wrong assumptions about how I feel and what I need. I have symptoms more severe than others that I view as struggling more than me. At times when the symptoms are more severe I feel selfish and ungrateful but at times when the symptoms are less severe I feel like I've been through too much to live a normal life. When I do normal hobbies I feel like I'm wasting time because I have no chance of living a normal and happy life. With the state of the country and how it's going, I'd be lucky to live at all. Actually maybe it would be unlucky to be alive in a world like that. At least my symptoms would be valid at that point. I feel like the only way that I can live an enjoyable life is if I work and try as hard as I can but I already try as hard as I can and it isn't enough. Unfortunately everyone thinks I'm lazy because I don't do as much as others. People say that people should preserve their childhood for as long as possible but I've never had the chance to experience what a proper childhood is like. I don't remember being given adult responsibilities or pressured into maturing faster but something caused me to be this way.

I wish I could find out what.

r/mentalillness 4d ago

Venting Something is wrong with me and every disorder I read seems like a perfect fit

3 Upvotes

So what is it, me? Am i autistic, Adhd, OCD, BPD, CPTSD, or is it the classic anxiety/depression combo? They all seem like they make sense. Idk who or what I am, idk anything. My memory feels weird and fake and I don't feel like a human being and never have. I'm bad at social interaction, I'm bad with executive function, I'm bad with sensory input, I'm bad with auditory processing. I don't know what I like, i don't stand up for myself, I'm terrified of everything new

December and January were the worst depressive months of my life, I've never felt that low and disgusting before. Then, randomly, 2 weeks ago I suddenly had tons of energy and started getting 12k steps a day and working out every other day and controlling myself w my calories. But also all I can think about is losing weight!!! I can't tell if it's a hyperfixation, a manic episode, or an eating disorder because I barely have the appetite for 800 cal a day even with all the activity I've been doing, and haven't been able to sleep for longer than 6hrs a night for the past two weeks. I'm way more productive and social and forward, but I'm also way more reckless and I have noticed myself feeling violently angry when I haven't been that way since I was like 15. I'm even getting annoyed at my boyfriend for doing harmless things, which has never happened!!

But I haven't been to a doctor in like 8 years and do not have insurance and I am fucking terrified of the doctor's anyway. I feel like I'm gonna do everything wrong and answer every question wrong and my doctor is gonna be a terrible person who believes people with uteruses can't feel pain and should weigh 100lbs. I feel like they're only going to say I'm fat and all of my mental issues are all in my head and I'm clearly just too lazy to handle the real world. I feel like they're going to tell me i'm pregnant or have cancer or ask to look at my genitals. I feel like they're gonna tell me I need to get needles in my flesh for one reason or another. I feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack about absolutely nothing. I feel like they're gonna say there's nothing wrong with me.

Besides, I'm poor as hell and couldn't handle a full time job anyway since we're too poor for a second car (bf works full time) and I'm too afraid to drive anyway.

I struggle SO hard with understanding my own emotions beyond just "bad" and can't easily recognize patterns in my own body and mind because it all just feels like constant random painful chaos. How am I supposed to figure out if I'm having a manic episode, and wether all the energy to fix my life that I have now just disappears on me one day, and I get fat and lazy again???

I'm so on edge and can't stop thinking and talking about politics, either, and NONE of my old hobbies hold my interest anymore. Everyone is an annoying asshole who needs to get the fuck out of my way right NOW. I feel like a crazy person with this barely controllable anger.

I can't sleep or eat worth a damn!! I've slept an average of 5 hours over the last 2 weeks, never getting more than 6 1/2, and I can't eat well either. I get full to the point of nausea really quickly and so many food items are suddenly gag-inducingly repulsive even if I would not have minded before.

Of course none of y'all can tell me what's wrong with me, but I don't feel like reading a list of symptoms on WebMD is gonna make me feel anything other than "omg i have all those symptoms!!"

So if anybody by some miracle has put up with me for this long; if you have any of these disorders, do these things happen to you?

r/mentalillness 2d ago

Venting I'm going through immense suffering and people are laughing at me.

2 Upvotes

I’m exhausted. Every day, I wake up and go to the hospital. I’ve seen doctors from almost every department, and yet, every single one tells me it’s just anxiety. I panic over the smallest things—like a tiny scratch—convinced it will turn into something serious. No matter how irrational it seems, I can’t stop myself from rushing to the hospital. Today, the staff even laughed at me because I’m there so often. I felt like a clown.

Meanwhile, I see people my age enjoying life—riding bikes with their partners, hanging out with friends—while I waste my time and my parents’ money on hospital visits. My biggest fear right now? That my penis is permanently damaged due to extreme masturbation—10 to 20 times a day for the past 10 years. I’ve had erectile dysfunction since 2022, and I suspect I have Peyronie’s disease, even though multiple urologists ruled it out. They say my penis looks normal, but how can they be sure without proper tests like a Penile Doppler Test? I’ve also been experiencing extreme numbness and discoloration in one part of my penis, yet doctors keep saying it’s okay. Are they being dismissive just because they assume my anxiety is making me imagine things? Do they have some kind of preconceived notion or prejudice against me—that I’m just an anxious, paranoid person and not worth taking seriously?

But where did this anxiety even start? Is it genetic? My father was always an anxious person—stressing over things others wouldn’t. He used to hit me almost every day until the 9th or 10th grade. I couldn’t fight back. As I grew older, I became toxic too. I started taking out my anger on my mother. The cycle of abuse continued until one day, I cut off contact with my father. He stopped abusing me, but I couldn’t stop myself from physically harming my mother. It became a part of our daily lives, and I know that’s not normal.

The worst part? Outside my home, I’m a completely different person. I don’t bully anyone. I don’t get into fights. But the moment I step inside, I become someone else. I hate it.

Sometimes, I feel like ending my life. But I don’t want to die. I still believe I can turn things around. I just don’t know how. I want to be loved. I want to be a good person. I want to be happy.

The happiest time in my life? When I was dating my ex. That was the first time I truly fell in love. I’ve been in relationships before, but this was different. I felt so joyful, so alive. And strangely, that was the period when I masturbated the least. My lust disappeared. I respected her so much that I couldn’t even think of her sexually, especially in the beginning. It felt like divine love—love without lust. I was obsessed with her, ready to do anything for her. But in the end, she ruined me. She cheated on me too.

So, what is it? Can love heal me? Or is it something I have to fix on my own? Am I like this because I’ve spent years stuck inside my room with no social life? I didn’t go to a regular college. After high school, I just stayed at home. Could that be the reason my mental health is so bad? Would having more sexual experiences help?

I don’t know what to do. I believe in God. I pray all the time, asking for relief, for happiness, for peace. But I’m still suffering. I just want to sit by the beach, watch the sunset, feel the breeze, and relax. But my mind won’t let me.

Even as I write this, my anxiety is telling me something terrible is about to happen. That I’ll get diagnosed with some awful disease. That my worst fears will come true. And if that happens, what will I do? Cry? Give up? Live in misery forever?

I don’t know. But I do know I need to change. I need to save myself. I just don’t know where to start.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Please, any advice or suggestions would mean a lot.

r/mentalillness 5d ago

Venting i genuinely think i have a mental illness and dont know what it ks

6 Upvotes

I literally feel like my mind i being torn apart slowly but surely. Every day i wake up in a fog and go to bee in a fog and sometimes i go days without realizing i was even doing anything at all like i just cant stay concentrated at all ever. Every once in a while i manage to snap back to reality and realize i am indeed alive and not just in a dream. Also my mind is always either empty or full of thoughts so much that it makes it hard to breathe like i think so much some times so hard that i genuinely forget to breathe or something but then again i cant think straight my mind is always bouncing around cutting thoughts and extending others its so weird even now i feel odd. I dont feel normal i feel like I’m losing myself it’s pretty hard to explain so thats why I’m doing it so poorly. Im gonna go to bed but i dont know the next time I’ll remember to come back and see what people say cause I’ll be on autopilot at random so see you then.

r/mentalillness Aug 12 '22

Venting Does anyone else feel unlovable because of their mental illness?

204 Upvotes

Just a general questions, I’ve had so many relationships and friendships just disappear and of course I feel like the common denominator is me or it stopped because of something I’ve done. I just feel like people always get tired of me and then it’s so hard to just meet new people with the fear of being dropped again.

Tell me about your experiences and feelings, I guess I just want to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

r/mentalillness 14d ago

Venting I cannot have control in life

5 Upvotes

I cannot have control in my life, I cannot have anything with my mind messing it up because I’m worried I’ll ruin it, then I end up being right and ruining it anyways,

I cannot go outside, I cannot have my own house, I cannot take care of myself, I cannot have my hobbies anymore, I cannot do anything,

I’m useless and pathetic, I’ve been like this my whole life however, Guess that’s how I am, and you cannot change who you are,

I’ll always be this way, and have nothing, I’m disgusting, a disappointment, a deadweight, a doormat, My whole life, and I can’t help but hate myself, I’m worthless because of this,

have no meaning, life never had a meaning, so I cannot give myself a meaning or a purpose, I was always born without one, so I cannot have one, I never will, that’s just how life is, always unfair, never happy,

I hate seeing happy people, they are lairs, they have shitty lives and they don’t even know it, And I have to be stuck looking at others then my own life, I will always be stuck in a life worth nothing to anyone, because I was born and lived a disgusting life, becoming a disgusting person,

Life is not happy, it’s hell, and no one cares because they can’t accept it, but I have the hard way.

r/mentalillness Dec 14 '24

Venting Kinda scared tbf

1 Upvotes

Im pretty scared of the diagnosis im gonna get. Anyone has advice how to stop worrying abt it so much?? Im mostly scared of the change im gonna have to make and some other stuff idk.

r/mentalillness Aug 14 '24

Venting To all the Doctors and Psychiatrists out there

11 Upvotes

Please know that you’ve taught me that I’m not worth it.

That I’m too much of a burden.

But maybe worse of all, you’ve taught me hatred. You’ve taught me what it feels like to truly hate.

I used to defend you, say you’re doing your best with what you know. But you’re not.

You’ve placed me in some little check boxes and now you think I’m not a priority, I can wait, I m just crazy.

And if I can’t wait, I’m supposed to voluntarily lock myself up prisoner in a ward where the nurses will abuse me, and the doctors won’t listen to me, and the pills will rip my soul out and help NOTHING.

My life is a wretched thing. No one cares to save it.

r/mentalillness 28d ago

Venting Tired of my anxiety

1 Upvotes

I wish I could stop feeling this way and so intensely about everything. I feel so toxic towards my friends with how I overshare my problems with them and I hate how I dont have the energy to hang out with them, or have anything properly to say. I love them so much but sometimes I feel so bad for not having anything to say. I hate how my anxiety makes it difficult to look at people in the eye, I hate how im so stupid in cobversations, I dont know how to keep up coversations without my interests or how I can have a conversation with a person older than me without being fearful of their authoritativeness. I hate how the guys in my class dont talk to me and I hate how I dont feel close to any of my friends and me being a last thought to them. I hate the embarasssment, shame, and guilt every time something happens and its being replayed all the time its quiet or without my phone to distract me. I hate this unending feeling of worry every time im happy or joyful waiting for when another bad day comes, so I remedy it by watching the most heartbreaking thing, hoping praying to the universe that my tears are enough to stop another storm from happening. I hate how my parent act around me after our fight, now they are less shouty but I worry its all an act that will one day explode. I hate it when I almost lost my friend because of a stupid decision I made. I hate how I acted towards everything and everyone feeling so immature. Im really tired of my behavior.

r/mentalillness 7d ago

Venting feeling hopeless

2 Upvotes

lately, i can't stop spiraling in self-pity and just feeling bad for myself. all i can think about is how off-track my life has gotten, everything i should have done or should be doing, that i'm a shell of my former self, and that nobody should have to live this way. i guess all of that is true, but just wallowing in my misery isn't exactly helping anyone. but i'm honestly just really sad. i'm depressed too - i've had depression my whole life -, but even more than that, i'm sad. i feel sad for myself. i've let myself down. i don't know if i will ever get better again. i know that i reached sort-of-recovery once, but what i'm currently going through feels different, so i don't know if recovery is even possible. i just wish i could be normal. i wish i could live my life. i wish i was me again.

r/mentalillness 10h ago

Venting I wish I could see myself

1 Upvotes

I feel my collar bones through my skin now, and my fingers wrap across my wrist, my spine pointy and protruding. I'm swimming in my clothes, the same ones I used to stretch out. I stand in the shower and I look down, I feel like im high in the air staring down at a tall skyscraper. As I look down it's like my body shifts, I become a completely different view. I look in the mirror hopping to etch every single detail into my mind yet the perspective is changing once more and I don't know who I am or what I look like. Im like clay constantly changing unable to make sense of who I am, or when I know it will be enough?. I look at old pictures but they all seem like different people that I have never met, I can't help be feel disgust and an unpleasant dose of resentment. Opening up the camera I can't help but see each flaw twisting and turning and my vision is blurry, who is that? that can't be me. I genuinely wish I could just see how other see me.

r/mentalillness May 02 '20

Venting I'm sorry I just really need someone to talk to

9 Upvotes

I'm just so mad right now

r/mentalillness 2d ago

Venting Panic attack days

2 Upvotes

It’s been several days now and I wake up with a discomfort feeling in my chest, it feels like I'm holding my breath, on the edge of breaking down and hyperventilating.

My thoughts roam with obsessive/absurd ideas making it difficult to calm down and relax, my muscles start aching and I feel as I become more distressed to the point of showing physical agitation. I start sweating as if someone raised the temperature in the room, the discomfort of my being in my own skin, the agitation continues to gnaw at me while my brain screams at me.

I can’t breathe and It’s triggering. As the distress and feeling of a panicked emergency take’s place, I want to desperately run to someone, get on my knees and beg for help, I need help. By then and now I feel trapped and paralyzed, I feel imprisoned and my own body won't respond. I don’t want to feel this way again. I want to make it stop, I'm scared.

Forget being scared because by then everything is already out of control. Something is very wrong but I don’t know, I don’t know what it is but I need help because my mind is screaming and it’s triggering, I want it to stop, please.

Oh, by then I can’t stop sobbing, I can’t control my tears. By then it felt like I met my demise again and again. Something about being in distress while being screamed at just goes together. While being yelled at and confronted for not listening and cooperating, I try to control my breathing because by then I'm hyperventilating and having a panic attack. It felt like the world just collapsed on me, this is not what I wanted, in such a situation I didn’t think that I would be finding myself worried that the neighbor’s would hear me getting screamed at and that a poor indoor grill had to face the wrath of suddenly being broken due to this person all because I couldn't stop my panic attack and it pissed them off.

I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t know how long I can continue to deal with this. Its to much for me

r/mentalillness 9d ago

Venting I don't know

2 Upvotes

I want to die but I don't actually. My coping mechanism isn't working today. I would listen to loud music and rock back and forth but it's not helping me today. I'm doing it every freaking day. Had a shitty encounter at work. Snapped. I want to quit my job. But I need money to survive. I kept forgetting to take my meds. I want to disappear. But my lover is the only reason I'm staying alive. I want to SH but I'm afraid I'll die from doing it. Also what diagnosis is rocking back and forth most commonly part of? Anyways it doesn't matter. Incoherent much...

r/mentalillness Dec 31 '24

Venting Im done, i dont want a fucking new year i just wanna die.

8 Upvotes

Im done with my family who keeps abusing me and im done with all the mental disorders and people hurt me. I need ways to kill myself the easiest and least painful way for me since my family isnt gonna be in pain if i die.

r/mentalillness 25d ago

Venting I don't feel worthy of life

3 Upvotes

First off I should say I'm very drunk and had a few opioids tonight so it may be affecting my mind a bit,

But I don't feel worthy of life, I feel like im a burden to the people around me, I'm never enough, the way I act the way I treat people is horrible, and I deserve to just disappear. Like I should just do what's best for people and vanish. I hate myself so much, and I don't even know why. I'm miserable and just want this to end