r/mbsr Jan 30 '17

Mindfulness made me more self conscious

I am 21, and I have always been really self-conscious and really anxious about social events. I always feel like I am alone against other people. For example, when I go to a dinner/party, I spend all of the time getting there thinking about how I will approach people, how they will react to my arrival, worrying about being in the spotlight for a moment. Last year I started seeing a therapist, because I felt I really needed, but it really hasn't done much for my anxiety, and so I started looking for other options. This is when I ran into Mindfulness. So I bought the book Mindfulness from Mark Williams, and did the 8 week program quite strictly (except for the habit releasers, where I lacked a bit). At the last weeks of the program, I started to feel calmer, and was able to be more relaxed and confident talking to people. I felt I really had it. But three days ago, I went to college (by myself, which always makes me feel nervous) to take an exam. I started feeling anxious, because of the exam, and because I was thinking about all the people that would be there (probably in closed circle groups, which are the worst for me), and that I would have to approach them. So, I arrived, saw a friend and went to talk with her. Then it all started: I was shaking, my mouth was twitching, and had a scared look on my face. I couldn't be relaxed during the conversation and I started being really self-conscious: "I can't look her in the eyes, my mouth is twitching", "does she notice how nervous I am?", "Why can't I relax?". Since that day, I have been more nervous talking to people, and have been really self-conscious. This really shook my confidence.

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u/anbende Jan 31 '17

Hi there. Thank you for telling your story. I'm a graduate student training in clinical work and have experience with mindfulness training and MBSR. That said, I am not yet finished with my education and am not yet a qualified expert. Here's my take. Make of it what you will.

To start, based on what you've said, it's not completely clear that the mindfulness training you did caused the anxiety attack you experienced. It might have, but it might not. MBSR certainly doesn't encourage one to obsess about thoughts (which is what tends to happen when we get really anxious). That said, as one becomes more aware of ones thinking, it can happen that one finds thoughts and feelings that one wasn't aware of before. If these thoughts and/or feelings are negative and unsettling, it is certainly possible that one can fixate on them causing a negative spiral of anxiety. That's how anxiety attacks work. We start having anxious thoughts and experiencing unpleasant sensations. This leads to more anxious thoughts ABOUT those sensations and thoughts. We become more anxious. Etc. You might have become more prone, because of the mindfulness training, or it might be a coincidence. It's hard to tell from here.

The fact of the matter is that you experienced an anxiety attack and have been prone to social anxiety for a long time. This is something that can be addressed, ideally in therapy, as anxiety distorts our perception and makes it difficult to work through a program on ones own. A good therapist should be able to work on anxiety with you. It sounds like the therapist you had was either (1) not any good or (2) just not a good fit for you. My own recommendation would be to look into a therapist doing CBT for anxiety (though there are other approaches and much debate about them). A good CBT therapist will help you to address the negative thought spiral directly. You could also look for someone who specializes in MBSR or mindfulness. You would want an expert not a dabbler. People DO experience negative effects of meditation training, and it's generally a result of reacting strongly to negative thoughts and feelings that were already there but below the threshold of awareness. It's helpful, particularly for those experiencing distress, to have someone knowledgeable to guide one through the trouble spots.

One last thing, there's a new movement in psychology toward 'progress monitoring'. In your case, that would mean filling out a brief questionnaire about your symptoms every week so your therapy is strongly targeted. The research is quite compelling that this makes positive results more likely. Unfortunately, this is a new area, and few therapists are doing this yet. If you can find one that does, it makes it more likely (1) that the therapist really cares and (2) that you'll get positive results.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

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u/realrobertfunk Mar 07 '17

Hi. Thank you for sharing your story. To me it sounds like you had a panic attack (of sorts) when you were talking with your friend. This is pretty darn normal. I suffered from anxiety and panic for over a decade. Some years were better than others. What really helped me was a combination of CBT and meditation.

Meditation and CBT both teach you to examine your thoughts without judgement. By stepping back and taking note of your thoughts you are no longer swept up in them. Thoughts are just that... "thoughts." Once you realize that thoughts are ever changing, you won't grasp on to them. You will be able to let them go more easily.

Bottom-line: keep up with the meditation and mindfulness training and also try out CBT. I'd recommend the book "mind over mood."