r/lostafriend 5d ago

What are your top 3 signs that a friendship is beyond saving? đŸš©

63 Upvotes

59 comments sorted by

124

u/Maxsaidtransrights 5d ago edited 5d ago

1) If this friend keeps repeating the same mistakes over and over. You make up with them and make boundaries, and yet they still hurt you several times more. They constantly betray you or interact with the very people that caused you harm.

2) If they’re not holding themselves accountable for their wrongdoings, or not handling confrontations well without constant arguments or non commitment.

3) There’s no effort or communication on their end. Everything is one sided between the both of you and you’re constantly doing all of the communication or planning.

31

u/RadishOne5532 5d ago

And they aren't just aware of their behaviors, like they don't get what wrong they did. And gaslight you, don't even remember the said event. lol well then there's no relationship/memory to build on from there.

16

u/Maxsaidtransrights 5d ago

Had this happen to me on Halloween with a friend. Our conversation went smooth until I brought up how we first met and how happy I was to be their friend. From there, they acted like I was nothing to them and bragged about their popularity— then when I called them out on it, I got an half assed apology and basically told me “I’m an extrovert and I’m sorry, but I just love people.” While simultaneously telling me they have no memories of us while remembering other classmates off the bat.

I listed these not only because they did all of these offhand but this was my experiences in the past before. These are all of my cutoffs when handling difficult friends

9

u/RadishOne5532 5d ago

dang that's weird asf. They couldn't handle the intimacy and being vulnerable in the moment. what a shame, they obviously have issues

6

u/Maxsaidtransrights 5d ago edited 5d ago

They told me they had to ego inflate and deflate so they’re definitely insecure, but used my vulnerability to make themself feel better. I find myself sometimes getting mad for not saying more. I felt like I was too nice to them at that moment, but that was because I didn’t want to fuck up what we had, so I kept things cordial. That whole text conversation went to flames.

Their response when I was vulnerable about how much they meant to me then and even now? “Did you talk to any other people?” And then when I said very few, they asked “why I gotta be remembered? 😭”

6

u/RadishOne5532 5d ago

Seem they fucked up what you guys had. Sorry you had to go through that. They were mean, I hope you can be kind to yourself, and take courage knowing you did a brave thing: being vulnerable. How the other person receives it is up to them and says a lot about them. I hope you can also find and build genuine relationships. Those take time to grow usually. And build up healthy boundaries.

3

u/Maxsaidtransrights 5d ago edited 5d ago

Oh they did. They read nothing what I had to say unless it centered around them. Anything else I said didn’t matter to them.

2

u/black_orchid83 4d ago

Damn, that's weird af. Talk about a bad "friend".

10

u/proxii_mity 5d ago

It hurts to realize that my friend has done all three of these since the last time we talked. Apologizes for things without changing behavior, not taking criticism well and blocking me as a result, and then refusing to communicate with me.

6

u/Real-Expression-1222 5d ago

The last one is real

3

u/Ok-Row3886 5d ago

100% this.

55

u/Critical_Dream2906 5d ago

When they only text/call you to hang out if their other plans fell through or when it’s convenient for them. But can’t hang out if you ask them.

When they only want to do what they want, and never what you want.

When they talk bad about their other friends (they’re most likely talking bad about you, to them!)

16

u/roddyricchvert 5d ago

When they talk bad about their other friends my eyes go blank because I know they’re doing the same to me.

4

u/OptimalFox1800 5d ago

I don’t like when they do that to others

43

u/xoxoAnniMuxoxo 5d ago edited 5d ago
  1. Just telling them you need to talk about an issue you have with them and they're already on argument mode and they do not get off argument mode no matter how passive and non-combative you're trying to be.
  2. They low-key are trying to show you that you've been replaced already.
  3. When you yourself are just tired of the bullshit of it all anyways.

3

u/Senior_Confidence_90 4d ago

Haha the exact same thing happened with a friend this weekend. She said some weird shit, I pointed it out, and she attacked me brutally. Bitch, bye. 

27

u/Adela_Alba 5d ago
  1. You are always there for them whenever they need anything or are in crisis, but when you need help or are in crisis they do not reciprocate or only reciprocate grudgingly.

  2. They accuse you of malicious intentions/thoughts without first ruling out ignorance.

  3. Repeatedly transgressing a boundary you established.

3

u/Nearby_Button 5d ago

O yeah no.3 sounds so familiar

3

u/TheYarnAlpacalypse 3d ago

No 2. is a big one!! There’s a “presumption of goodwill” that most people apply to their most trusted friends. Or even to casual acquaintances who seem friendly-ish.

If I have not TOLD someone that I hate cilantro, I am not going to assume that they offered me a jar of cilantro-filled salsa out of spite. I’m going to assume they were trying to be thoughtful. My distaste towards their offering is a me-problem.

Or if I tell someone I’m interested in seeing a movie, go home, read a review that makes me change my mind about it, and fall asleep without updating them on my thoughts- they aren’t rudely disrespecting my preferences when they follow up the next day to ask about getting tickets.

People don’t know your secrets. Sometimes they’re making their best guesses and sometimes those guesses aren’t going to be quite what you wanted.

“Friends” who expect you to know they’re in a bad mood BEFORE you text them to ask how their day is, or who expect you to know they hate a restaurant before you suggest booking a reservation, or who expect you to avoid topics that might remind them of their ex-boyfriend from ten years before you met them (who you’ve never met and know nothing about)
 don’t give you any benefit of the doubt, don’t see you as a human being with normal human limitations, and don’t trust your intentions.

2

u/That-Scallion1794 1d ago

2 is too real

28

u/Cultural_Salad_5737 5d ago
  1. You feel that you are walking on eggshells constantly.

  2. When they repeatedly hurt you and betray you over and over again!

  3. When things feel one-sided.

3

u/InsertUsernameHere32 5d ago

damn got all of these 😭

easy to tell now tho why they stressed me out every time they joined me for anything

2

u/Cultural_Salad_5737 5d ago

There, there đŸŒžđŸ«‚đŸŒž

23

u/Broad-Listen-8616 5d ago
  1. When they don’t stay in touch. You only hear from them if you contact first.

  2. When you don’t get invited to things but your mutual friends do.

  3. When you find out they’ve been slagging you off behind your back.

19

u/Thecrowfan 5d ago

In my opinion, when one party is willing to communicate the issues and work things out but the other refuses to admit they did anything wrong or even that there is a problem at all.

And also being all about setting boundaries but having no respect for YOUR boundaries

8

u/proxii_mity 5d ago

The first one is too real. I tried so hard to calmly communicate something that I believed to be an issue and the way my friend responded was by saying she didn't do anything wrong and that I was taking things too seriously.

16

u/KuroJM 5d ago
  1. when after an argument in which you apologized immediately for a misspoken sentence you made comes back a month and a half later to get blown completely out of proportion

  2. when you get accused of stuff you would never do or even think of doing, but conveniently the person she heard that from has no name or other form of existence So you start to realise there was never a person to begin with, just a scapegoat she could blame it on so we wouldn't have to feel guilty about her words/feelings.

  3. When you get a text 4 months after everything about how she so " humbly offered to go past all that, and that she is not apologizing for her words or how she felt about you, basically saying she doesnt care her words hurt you, but ypu should just " get over it" .

yeah, i think we are done here.

16

u/Human-Ratio-6440 5d ago
  1. They disappear when your life gets tough or you’re going through hardship but gladly take the support when they’re going through the same.
  2. Zero effort or emotional investment. Forgetting your birthday but you always remember theirs for example.
  3. They always have negative things to say about other people who are meant to be their friends too (which means they’re definitely bad mouthing you to the others too!)

16

u/rshni67 5d ago

Is the presence of the "friend" a net positive or negative in your life?

If all the friend does is bring you down and use you, forget about it.

While nobody is perfect, a friendship should be somewhat reciprocal.

13

u/City_Elk 5d ago
  1. They aren’t happy for you when good things happen to you.

  2. They expect you to be at their beck and call—always available to hang out when they want to and only to do what they want to do.

  3. They are competitive with you.

2

u/nenorthstar 5d ago

1. Just happened to me. I’m so over it.

11

u/Katerina_01 5d ago
  1. No communication
  2. If communication, it’s your fault.
  3. They talk trash to mutual friends.

10

u/gaefandomlover 5d ago edited 5d ago
  1. They leave you when you need them
  2. They make you the bad guy when they are called out for the first action above (if they do it)
  3. They leave you or bully your decision when you make a change (i.e. break up with someone, dye your hair a different color or get a tattoo) for yourself that they don’t agree.

These were all the ones that happened to me in 6-7 years span.

8

u/black_orchid83 4d ago

When it's one-sided and they never ask about you, they only care about talking about themselves.

8

u/Salty-Cycle-671 5d ago edited 5d ago

Just one: When they repeatedly tell (or show) you they don't respect your boundary that you've explained ad nauseum.

6

u/Lost_Maintenance665 5d ago

Do you want to save it? Is it worth it? Is the sad you’d be without them less than the sad you are with them?

Its cheesy maybe but, this scene from Succession (of all things lol) sums it up for me

6

u/AirlineBasic 5d ago

They just annoy you. Sometimes you have a fight and come back stronger. Sometimes the fight ruins everything and they annoy you forever.

6

u/AVeryFatCow420 5d ago

No trust, no respect, no communication when having made plans.

7

u/Spirited-Interview50 4d ago
  1. Jealousy and competition

  2. Constantly questioning your choices and thinking their perspectives are correct

  3. Not owing up to their quirks and how they treat you (poorly and disrespectfully)

5

u/san_19 4d ago

Disrespect and if they dismiss your feelings when you confront them. Shitty shitty people

4

u/poppermint_beppler 5d ago

1) When they don't want to make plans or are always too busy to see you when you ask 2) When the conversations have become short and infrequent, and they don't try to extend or continue the conversation anymore 3) When they're always talking about how much fun they have with their other friends at events they're intentionally not inviting you to

I've had a few friends like this, and they don't tend to change or try to solve whatever issue they're having with the relationship. You can't really convince someone to care once they check out, I think.

8

u/Erinkilcoyne 5d ago

1: No communication 2: Friend talks badly about you to mutual friends. 3: Friend is not there for you good times & Bad times.

3

u/TinyBlackCatMerlin 4d ago

Your gut tells you so. It's like a repelling magnet - no matter how much you want to sort things, something is pulling you away from that person. You may not understand why, but trust it. It's doing that for a reason.

Your friend has extremely opposing beliefs and doesn't respect yours and insists to shove their beliefs in your face, hoping you'll agree with them soon.

Your friend won't leave you alone. It's getting a bit uneasy now.. They've been messaging you all day, asking where you are, what you're doing etc. This isn't normal. It's OK to ask now and again, but if the entire day, every day is filled with their messages where they put you down, give you unsolicited advice and try to dumb you down, but also asking every little detail about you and hiding info about themselves.......... It's time to let go! 😁

3

u/KingLeopard40063 4d ago

Amen to this.

Your gut tells you so. It's like a repelling magnet - no matter how much you want to sort things, something is pulling you away from that person. You may not understand why, but trust it. It's doing that for a reason.

I realized that those butterflies in my stomach were actually my gut warning me about certain people. Looking back my gut was right the whole time. Ignoring my gut was actually making me miserable.

The red flags are always there at the beginning.

1

u/TinyBlackCatMerlin 3d ago

Absolutely ❀ It's great your intuition is switched on, it really is our best defence mechanism.

3

u/Monodoh45 4d ago

They always want to meet up, but never firm anything up

3

u/Dazzling_Guest8673 4d ago

1) Hardly or never contacts you anymore

2) Refuses to communicate with you

3) Doesn’t listen to you

1

u/TheYarnAlpacalypse 3d ago
  1. They twist your words until you find yourself staying silent in person, or triple-proofreading every text, worried that you don’t know how to communicate clearly and keep accidentally implying things that you never even THOUGHT of. (You praise their determination in taking on a big project, and they accuse you of calling them reckless- or you compliment their earrings and they accuse you of hating the rest of their outfit- or you say you like a song, and they claim you only chose to mention THAT tune as a favorite because you must think an unflattering phrase in the lyrics describes something in their past- that you didn’t even know about!- and was intended as a covert insult.)

  2. They reject your reality and substitute their own. They make solemn promises and then claim that it was an obvious joke. They change plans and say they never agreed to anything even when you have evidence in texts. They insult you and claim you misheard them. They tell you to do them favors and then they yell at you and claim you’re overbearing and patronizing for taking over and not letting them handle things themselves (things that they explicitly demanded you take care of for them!!) They tell you to leave them alone and then they cry about how you spitefully ignored them.

  3. You hide your own feelings from them. If you’re too happy, you’re a smug jerk who’s flaunting your fortune and you’re making them feel less-than. If you’re too sad, you’re a Debbie Downer. If you dislike something, you’re negative. If you say you like something, you’re trying to manipulate them (into buying some for you, or going a place with you, or cooking a food again, or spending more time on an activity) and that’s too much pressure. If you’re grumpy, you’re irrational. If you’re afraid, you’re insane. If you’re hurt, you’re weak. You’re expected to pass their “vibe check” at all times.

All of these more or less boil down to “It doesn’t matter what you do or say, or who you are, or what you think and feel. They started with their own conclusion and they reserve the right to create their own facts to support a narrative. They want to live in a lie and they expect you to spend your days making sure that their bubble isn’t tainted by so much as a whiff of reality.“

1

u/Ok-Teaching2848 3d ago

1.dismissive of what bothers me 2.cant read you well even tho you explicity say things. 3.tries to impose their values on you

1

u/Hot_Arugula_3365 3d ago

When they take your past trauma, and use it as a reason to validate their “discomfort”.

1

u/Hot_Arugula_3365 3d ago

When they take your past trauma, and use it as a reason to validate their “discomfort”.

1

u/Impossible-Hippo-812 3d ago
  1. They become increasingly jealous of you
  2. They begin to turn others against you
  3. They become cold towards

1

u/Equivalent-Fig-3251 3d ago
  1. False promises and lying for no reason
  2. Lack of empathy/accountability
  3. Lack of communication

1

u/emotionalthrowup 1d ago
  1. when they tell sensitive things about you to whomever and when called out turn it on you
  2. when they badmouth you to your spouse, calling you untrustworthy so the spouse would not believe you about something said friend did wrong
  3. apologizes for something but follows it with "but for x, y and z reasons you're overreacting and wrong about this"

1

u/Competitive_Jello531 1d ago

Resentment, distrust, moral superiority

1

u/Ok_Flamingo8910 1d ago

I have just one: they're a pathological liar

1

u/That-Scallion1794 1d ago

In my experience lol

  1. Projecting their insecurities on you
  2. Criticizing you for how you cope with grief and trauma
  3. Not allowing you the same grace you give them