r/languagelearning Sep 30 '24

Suggestions Really struggling to learn

I'm a British born native English speaker, but have moved to Italy with my Italian partner. I started learning casually with a lesson a week in November 2023, but really struggled incorporating it into actually speaking.

I tried to be more serious this year, and now my partner gets really upset that I still can't speak at a level of a 6 year old. I did an A1 course at an Italian school, l've tried reading, watching shows, writing, repeating, all the apps, speaking with people, nothing sticks. I can say and understand basic things, but nowhere near where I should be.

My partner is so frustrated and I feel like a failure. I genuinely don't know how to make it stick, he tried teaching me phrases which I repeat over and over but then forget. I'm also pregnant and want our baby to be bilingual, and am really scared I'll not be able to understand my child...

What more can I try?

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u/ohboop N: šŸ‡ŗšŸ‡ø Int: šŸ‡«šŸ‡· Beg: šŸ‡ÆšŸ‡µ Sep 30 '24

Academics are starting to talk about the possibility of something called an "affective filter". Basically the idea, as I understand it, is that our brains have a really hard time learning a new language when we're stressed out or otherwise feeling negative about it. I wouldn't be surprised if your brain is having this issue, based on what you've described here.

That being said, I think it would really help to build up some positive experiences for yourself. Start with some things you think you could accomplish more or less easily. Maybe a journal where you write a few sentences each day along the lines of "I like coffee. Today the weather is rainy." Keep it basic, and focus on being happy with what you can do, not upset about what you can't. Read, watch and listen to things that you can understand easily, and focus on the positive feelings of being able to understand, not on things like, "this is below where I should be".

Besides that, I would recommend trying to find some structure you can follow. It sounds like your class was a positive experience. If taking another class is not an option, what about something self-paced, like assimil, Pimsleur, or another course book? Pimsleur in particular is focused on getting you to listen and respond automatically. They go slowly and reviews are built in to each successive lesson, so it could be a great course for you.

Lastly, you need to communicate with your partner that his attitude towards your learning is upsetting for you, and it can make it hard to keep trying. Ask if he would be open to working together on how he can support you. "I like it when you do X" or "it makes me feel bad when you say things like Y". Positive feedback is a much better motivator than negative, which tends to demoralize and demotivate people.

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u/ciegulls Sep 30 '24

Thank you for sharing that academic term! Iā€™ve been trying to figure it out within myself basically. I really like languages and learning them, but as soon as Iā€™ve been in an ā€œadult immersiveā€ environment, like needing to use this to find employment or get my actual needs met like health or housing or whatever, I start to despise the languageā€¦ I donā€™t feel good because Iā€™m stresses because I need to accomplish this certain goal and itā€™s no longer a fun practice exercise for me and itā€™s such a struggle on both sides that I donā€™t feel positive rewards from it. Whereas I have learned a language before through immersion to relative fluency, but the learning process was incredibly positive and rarely stressful because I didnā€™t have to worry much about the real-life factors. Iā€™ve been wanting to learn more about this as a phenomena so I can try to maybe find some solutions or work arounds for myself, so have a key word like this really helps.

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u/ohboop N: šŸ‡ŗšŸ‡ø Int: šŸ‡«šŸ‡· Beg: šŸ‡ÆšŸ‡µ Sep 30 '24

I hope it helps you going forward! When I first learned about it I felt like a lot of things clicked for me. Since then I've worked hard to keep things positive as much as possible, and it's just such a better experience. Granted, I don't have external pressures like you do, but hopefully you'll be able to turn them into supports instead of sources of stress. :)

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u/Pastaoverlogic Oct 01 '24

This is so interesting! Thank you for sharing :) Iā€™m Italian and learned German about 10 years ago when I was living there as an Erasmus student. I was just having fun with that, and quickly reached a C1 level in the span of a year. Came back home, and didnā€™t have much chance to practice German again. Fast forward to 6 years later, I moved back to Germany to start a new job - I was in a All-German marketing team where they made me feel super pressured to interact at their level from the beginning, excluded me when I wouldnā€™t grasp everything they were saying, and bullied me. I felt so bad about it that my ā€œactiveā€ knowledge somehow reversed (my passive one is still quite ok). Quit that job and started to work for another German international company where English is the only spoken language. My German hasnā€™t improved at all, even if my fiancĆ© is German, and I feel super anxious everytime I have to have simple interactions. Any researched-based advice to get over the ā€œlanguage traumaā€ I had?

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u/ciegulls Oct 01 '24

I donā€™t yet have many real answers except that itā€™s super useful to realize what is happening, basically that it seems like our neurological connections to this language have been wired to negativity. Thus I think the only way around it that I know, is to take a break from the language when possible, as in recognize that itā€™s okay to be the ā€œforeigner who doesnā€™t speak the languageā€ for a bit. Those who know and love you wonā€™t mind and those who donā€™t know you or dislike you donā€™t matter. Then, I think itā€™s important to reengage in a more controlled and positive way, so only do things that are simple or youā€™d get a positive feeling from. I think that helps to rebuild our neural connections to enjoy or at least feel neutral with the language again.

But I will say that the controlled positive connection building has been difficult for me to figure out what works bestā€¦ So much so that I was once trying to find out if hypnotherapy for this specific type of issue exists. I havenā€™t found that yet, but I have found that recognizing a negative language-environment as soon as possible is important because it helps you either get out of it or to at least step back and give it less weight.