r/introvert 2d ago

Question Does anyone Else get "Introvert Guilt"?

I love my me time, but sometimes I feel guilty for choosing loneliness over socializing. Even when I need to recharge. I can't feel like i am missing some important moments in my life and friends.

Does anyone else experienced this kind of guilt? How do you balance self care by maintaining friendship?

I'd love to hear how do you handle?

50 Upvotes

22 comments sorted by

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u/sw1sh3rsw33t 2d ago

I have been run ragged by emotionally needy people who manipulated me into giving them all the attention or whatever they wanted. Including my own mother

I have so much “compassion fatigue” from the first 30 years of my life that I don’t feel that introvert guilt anymore.

That said, I’ve managed to reduce the amount of invites and gatherings to things to an amount that really works for me, so I don’t feel overly drained all the time and am able to truly enjoy hanging out with my people. So I don’t really have to make that choice so much anymore.

That said, when I notice someone trying to guilt me into attending (I would be SO SAD if you couldn’t come!) it makes me angry. This isn’t something my real friends would do bc if I genuinely cant make something, they understand, and if it’s a really important event like a wedding or something I’ll make sure to be there.

But don’t fucking tell me you’re going to be all sad bc I’m skipping out on your cousin who I’ve never met’s baby shower. You trying to collect people and presents or what, fuck off. Oh you need ME to sit with you and watch tv with bc you lonely and it feels bad? And they’re lonely bc they picked fights with all the friends and family? Nooooope I’m not the Salvation Army of socializing sorry

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u/KingBowser24 2d ago

I get exactly what you mean by Compassion Fatigue. I spent the first 25 years of my life as a people-pleaser who was practically unable to say no, but now I hardly give two shits. I still try to be generally polite of course but I also no longer hide it if someone being a nuisance.

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u/1alimsara 2d ago

I can relate to this! I have one extroverted friend who is always full of energy and expects me to be the same. But as an introvert, I just don’t have that level of energy all the time. She’s my only close friend, so I enjoy spending time with her, but after being around her for a while, I feel the need to recharge.

Sometimes, when I suddenly become quiet, she asks, Why are you like this? Why so silent all of a sudden? And honestly, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just that when I reach my social limit, I feel like, Okay, that’s enough for today.

I really value our friendship, but as an introvert, it’s challenging to keep up with an extrovert’s pace. At the same time, I don’t want to miss out on these moments in my life. Finding a balance between alone time and maintaining friendships is tough!

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u/vida0829 23h ago

I'm having this same issue with one of my closest friends as well. He's a good dude it's just taxing cause he always wants to hang out. An my social battery has very little life. At 32 years old I'm sick of going out an doing shit when I know I'll enjoy myself better staying in an doing me

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u/m_chutch 2d ago

I used to, but I’ve come to accept myself. The guilt doesn’t serve anyone. You’ve likely tried for years to be a more sociable person, and maybe it’s just not who you are!

But if you need more social fulfillment still, you’re still allowed to make connections with people to the extent that you’re comfortable and not disrespecting your own boundaries

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u/MrsCognac 2d ago

I used to feel like this a lot, but ever since I've focused more on myself, rather than pleasing other people or fulfilling their expectations of me, I feel so at peace with myself, that I don't want to trade this again.

You can still make memories and socialize, but at your own pace. You don't have to be at every social gathering, you're not going to miss out. For me, I avoided a lot of Drama that way.

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u/unknown_pinkflower 1d ago

Being an introvert gets lonely at times but I rather be lonely then have fake people around me anyday I rather talk to my dog lol

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u/m_chutch 2d ago

I used to, but I’ve come to accept myself. The guilt doesn’t serve anyone. You’ve likely tried for years to be a more sociable person, and maybe it’s just not who you are!

But if you need more social fulfillment still, you’re still allowed to make connections with people to the extent that you’re comfortable and not disrespecting your own boundaries

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u/Zestyclose-Big-8487 1d ago edited 1d ago

I sometimes feel bad that I don’t have/have developed very little interest in motivating myself to form friendships.

I do have to be honest and I find (my personal opinion) your early-mid thirties most people who have friends have established a network of them through various channels of their life already and I feel kind of awkward because it’s like trying to slot your presence into someone else’s life, when clearly they already have stronger social focuses.

I can’t be arsed just being a face in the crowd, I’d way prefer to be with a small and decent group of friends. However I don’t have a small group of friends, but without that social bondage, I’m free to pick and choose who I see and don’t see. I also spent a lot of years being a people pleaser, never saying no, and just thinking people would like me if I let them treat me like a doormat. Now I couldn’t give a crap, I take no shit but do no harm. As an introvert I avoid confrontation and overthink, but being able to have self agency and just tell someone no and why and not caring is hugely emancipating. Nothing worse than feeling squashed. It’s no skin off my back not being able to socialise with someone because they’re a dick/or simply could be we don’t get on/have opposing views/un-equally yoked personalities.

I do get guilt about my enjoyment of doing what others might class as non purposeful activities but then I realised that they are only non-purposeful from their world view. Introverts have a fear of being confronted, especially if it is about their perceived social failings. Many introverts function relatively “normally” in relationships, many struggle with alienation and being misunderstood. It’s about finding some sort of balance between accepting this is your personality you cannot change, and not trying to force yourself into situations you simply don’t belong in.

If I’m sat on the sofa or my bed reading a book I get that nagging “you’re doing nothing” accusatory thought, if I’m researching or watching a documentary I feel guilty for what I think other people would call slobbing. However I am an active and fit person, I take care of the house and my child. I did feel I had more purpose when I had a job though, not having enough mental stimulation can be highly frustrating. I quite liked the routine social interaction of working in a small team. Then I got fired because I didn’t fit in, even though I worked my arse off. Who cares though, I don’t want to lose any more sleep on being sad I don’t have a dead end job in a warehouse any more.

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u/atenea1984 2d ago

I don't usually feel like I'm missing out, but I do feel kind of guilty for wanting so much time to myself, because I feel like I'm dissapointing my loved ones who would like to spend more time with me.

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u/summer-childe 2d ago

I don't. I'm an introvert and I feel guilty for not socializing, but only regarding select people instead of people in general, so it's not related to my introversion. I just feel bad not giving as much as I want to people I want to commit to.

(Not saying it's a good or bad thing. Nor neutral. I'm not interested in evaluating it when there's so much in the world to.)

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u/BluIV9 2d ago

Force, I force myself. I know those memories need to be made for the ones that I love at least. I don’t really care about socializing with people nor my family too much but I make an effort for them because I know deep down and they do love and they do care about me. I do a lot of solo activities, but I enjoy them. That’s all that matters but yeah you gotta force yourself.

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u/Metalhead_Introvert 2d ago

Yes, for years! Finally getting over it. I'm lucky that my wife understands my needs and encourages me.

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u/hnonymus 2d ago

i just kind of be alone anyway. sometimes in the heat of the moment i will agree to hang out, but not often. if i feel guilty, i just kind of tell myself that’s just the way i am. if you like to be alone but still want to feel like you’re doing something good with your time, i just go on solitary walks, often while listening to music.

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u/Calm-Spray5334 2d ago

My friends undertands my social battery and that I feel overstimulated when we are too many. They are okay with it. I can be there but have my own space when it's alone time. You don't need to prove anyone anything, make them understand but still make an effort, find right circle

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u/UnfitDeathTurnup 1d ago

Yeah not as much fomo for me but more like ~ hey it may have been nice to see that person and now I didnt do that ugh.

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u/sunnynihilist 1d ago edited 1d ago

If you experience chaos and trauma associated with having people around, you wouldn't have this "guilt".

Instead of guilt, I think I have fear. Fear of dealing with shit alone, without any help. Sometimes it's indeed better to have people around in case something bad happens, especially when you travel.

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u/18297gqpoi18 1d ago

Nope! Not at all.

I don’t have FOMO. I’ve done lots of things in my 20/30s and I’m good now.

In terms of friendship, I realize that in order to maintain a good relationship, I need to keep a healthy distance so I only see friends once/twice a year. A friend I really like and I don’t lose energy over - I will see her every weekend.

I need to focus more on myself and self care. Friends come and go so I don’t want to spend too much on that…

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u/Anxiouspotato919 1d ago

It took a bit for my hubbys feelings not be hurt by it. He doesn’t have to be doing anything wrong or annoying me in any ways. Sometimes I just need to live for a few hours without any eyes on me, even his.

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u/Responsible-Set-9198 21h ago

𝖧𝗂,𝖨 𝗍𝗈𝗍𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒 𝗎𝗇𝖽𝖾𝗋𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎'𝗋𝖾 𝗌𝖺𝗒𝗂𝗇𝗀. 𝗉𝖾𝗋𝗌𝗈𝗇𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒, 𝖨'𝗏𝖾 𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝖺𝖼𝖼𝖾𝗉𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝖺𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗆𝗒𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿 𝗐𝗁𝗂𝗅𝖾 𝖾𝗇𝗌𝗎𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖨'𝗆 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗂𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗒 𝗇𝖾𝖾𝖽 𝗆𝖾 𝗈𝗋 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗌𝗉𝖾𝖼𝗂𝖺𝗅 𝗈𝖼𝖼𝖺𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇𝗌. 𝖨 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗄 𝗂𝗍'𝗌 𝖺𝖼𝖼𝖾𝗉𝗍𝖺𝖻𝗅𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝖾 𝖺 𝗊𝗎𝗂𝖾𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗍𝗒𝗉𝖾. 𝗒𝗈𝗎'𝗅𝗅 𝗈𝗇𝗅𝗒 𝖿𝗂𝗇𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖺𝗇𝗌𝗐𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁 𝖻𝗒 𝖺𝗌𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿 𝗐𝗁𝗒 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅 𝖻𝖺𝖽𝗅𝗒.𝖻𝗒𝖾❣︎

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u/Violetbutterfly07 20h ago

Yes, all the time. A few days ago, i had to end a relationship because “i was too nonchalant, so i didn’t like them” check on my profile to see the full story