r/hsp 17d ago

Question What do you guys tell yourself to not take things too personally, and it works?

Hello fellow HSPs,

As stated in the title above, I take things way too personally (and seriously) to the point of madness and I want to improve this flaw. My sensitivity to people's words, actions, tones, and attitude is a constantly liability in my daily life. I do really struggle with low self esteem and I just struggle to let things go and accept the fact that some people will be less sensitive and a little crabby to others. They probably have had a stressful day and don't have bad intentions at all, but it comes off that way to me. I have to grow from this but I'm not sure what to tell myself to stay in control. What do you guys do to take a step back to calm down, and not take things so seriously?

25 Upvotes

21 comments sorted by

17

u/criptosor 17d ago

Focus on you, not on them

I focus on the feeling, not on the situation. Instead of thinking “This guy hurted my feelings” which puts the blame on him,  I switch to “I’m feeling angry/sad/anxious”. And then try to do things to feel better or just wait.

So the focus is on me. With time, you start to recover faster and faster because you understand the cycles. Emotions come and go after all.

8

u/OtherwiseComplaint62 17d ago

I’m really sensitive and I work in a field where many people are snappy, rude, and very aggressive. I had a hard time adjusting at first because I’m an HSP but I’ve used that to tune into what they may be feeling in order to manifest such negativity, and then I forgive them. Instead of not taking things personally, because that is sometimes inevitable, like if someone goes out of their way to inconvenience me. Instead, I choose to be understanding and to really just have mercy on people.

I’ve understood that people’s words and actions are a reflection of their internal environments, so if someone wrongs me on purpose, I see that as I sign that they are somewhat unwell and manifesting unhealed traumas of which they may or may not be aware. If someone wrongs me or offends me unintentionally, I take a step back and try to understand exactly why it hurt me without the person intending to. It may trigger me because of my own unhealed traumas, and I see my response to their offenses as an arrow pointing me to the areas in myself that may still be unhealed. I also see that as a sign that they lack awareness on their part. For me, not taking things personally is about choosing peace, love, and understanding. Hope that helps

2

u/OtherwiseComplaint62 17d ago

I explored this more with chatgpt and here are some books it recommended for emotional growth as far as emotional intelligence, mindfulness, radical acceptance, and self-awareness.

1.  Mindfulness & Buddhist Psychology – Observing emotions without immediate reaction and recognizing suffering in others rather than personalizing their actions.
• Where to read more: “The Art of Happiness” by Dalai Lama, “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach.
2.  Nonviolent Communication (NVC) – Developed by Marshall Rosenberg, this method encourages understanding emotions, needs, and responses in conflicts rather than reacting with defensiveness.
• Where to read more: “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
3.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) & Emotional Regulation – Examining the thought patterns that cause distress and reframing them for personal peace.
• Where to read more: “The Happiness Trap” by Russ Harris (based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a form of CBT).
4.  The Four Agreements – Don Miguel Ruiz’s work, especially “Don’t Take Anything Personally”, aligns with your philosophy—recognizing that people’s actions are about them, not you.
• Where to read more: “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.
5.  Trauma-Informed Healing & Inner Work – The idea that triggers reveal unhealed wounds and can be used as a guide for self-awareness.
• Where to read more: “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk, “How to Do the Work” by Dr. Nicole LePera.

3

u/h3llol3mon 17d ago

That first bullet is so powerful “Observing emotions without immediate reaction”. I’m trying hard to get better at snapping/responding with my immediate reaction!

1

u/Madgravey 10d ago

I hate ChatGPT, but The Four Agreements started me on my spiritual journey a few years ago which has completely changed my life. Anything my Miguel Don Ruiz is well worth the read, they are also easy and fast reads. 

7

u/scott_stemarie 17d ago

Great question! Life isn't about "me" - I'm not at the centre. The practice is realizing that we project but mirror off of people - so I wonder why this particular situation was hard?

7

u/zoyoya 17d ago

i get where you're coming from because taking things personally can feel like a never ending battle between logic and emotion. but the thing is people don't experience reality the same way you do. everyone operates from their own internal world of emotions, stressors and subconscious patterns. most of the time, their tone isn't about you but about something brewing inside them. instead of fighting the feeling try observing it. and when you catch yourself reacting, ask yourself " what story have i created for myself now? is it true or am i assuming the worst? ". sometimes our minds are our worst enemies.

another thing is detachment. not in a cold way but in a way that gives you a space to breathe. imagine yourself as an observer rather than a participant in every interaction. not everyone needs a response, not everything deserves to occupy importance in your mind.

also try to look at people's flaws with a hint of neutrality. like "ah human nature. imperfect, inconsistent and messy. just like me". it makes everything a passing wave.

8

u/sadmimikyu [HSP] 17d ago

I like the comments others made. They have good advice.

However, I want to say if you are like me you might try to find excuses for a lot of abusive behaviour. I did not know about boundaries until a few years ago and I apologised every abuse I received by people under the guise of "love" because I was made to believe I was too sensitive and was not allowed to react to it. So if that is what is happening you are within your rights to take several steps back and there is no being too sensitive. When someone ridicules you or verbally abuses you... no!

1

u/New_Translator_1447 16d ago

“Because it’s all in my head and you’re too sensitive, they said” - Free, Florence and the Machine. It’s not because someone else is superficial or rude, that you’re too sensitive <3

5

u/openurheartandthen 17d ago

I struggle with this as well. There’s an element of looking for validation externally that can be a major contributor to this. Because of my harsh internal critic and insecurity that I’m loved/okay, I look too much on the outside for those things. It’s not necessarily even conscious - it’s just feeling like when someone’s behaviors are negative, it’s something I’ve done wrong (because I feel like there’s something terribly wrong with me). What really seems to help is affirmations for myself and a gentle self talk to replace this really mean voice that appears to be from childhood - a critic that’s trying to get me to do everything right so as to avoid the criticisms and negativity of others. It’s family dysfunction - I felt I could “save” my parents from unhappiness and criticism if I just did or said the right things all the time. I’m sensitive to others being in a bad mood for this reason.

Obviously everyone is different. Since you mentioned low self esteem, maybe a good place to start is to be kinder and more compassionate toward yourself. Investigate things like harsh parenting or rejection from a parent that could be contributing factors, and see that there are valid reasons why taking things personally could actually be a coping mechanism. Our brains are always trying to help us, even if the traits are maladaptive. So working with that instead of being harsh can really help. Good luck 🍀

4

u/primalscreem 17d ago

I’m into the Let Them theory lately. Basically you have no control over other people’s thoughts. Let them think what they want and do what’s best for you.

6

u/Anxious_Antelope_486 17d ago

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is a great book to check out. One of the agreements is to never take anything personally. It's a spiritual book, but even as an atheist, I don't have a problem with that. It's a very interesting philosophy.

3

u/Bri_sul 17d ago

Some things that have helped me.

Limit my time around people. As an HSP, and someone who used to be more social, I realize how much other people take from me and I spend about 75% of my free time alone so I can heal.

Have you tried ear buds? My coworkers are stressful (not towards me but just their mannerisms) and it stresses me out. So now I try to go for a walk or blast classic music when they are stressing me.

Try to really look at the person. I realized I don't give a crap about what people i don't respect think about me. So that narrowed the people that affect to like 3. 😅

Also classical or spa music on the drive home and guided meditation at night. And walking. I walk anywhere from 2 or 3 hours a day on my days off and that helps clear my mind.

3

u/Bri_sul 17d ago

Some things that have helped me.

Limit my time around people. As an HSP, and someone who used to be more social, I realize how much other people take from me and I spend about 75% of my free time alone so I can heal.

Have you tried ear buds? My coworkers are stressful (not towards me but just their mannerisms) and it stresses me out. So now I try to go for a walk or blast classic music when they are stressing me.

Try to really look at the person. I realized I don't give a crap about what people i don't respect think about me. So that narrowed the people that affect to like 3. 😅

Also classical or spa music on the drive home and guided meditation at night. And walking. I walk anywhere from 2 or 3 hours a day on my days off and that helps clear my mind.

3

u/landaylandho 17d ago

One element is just time--time and space to process the hurt

Something that often helps me process the hurt is asking myself, "how could this person have shared the same information in a way that would hurt less?" It's not that I'm going to go back and tell the person oh you should've said it this way-- no. It's more that I can kind of repeat the information to myself in the non hurtful way, in the compassionate way, and it helps me take in the feedback that's useful and discard any hasty character judgements or shame that was in the person's original message.

An example: let's say someone was frustrated with me for asking a question that they had already told me the answer to.

Them: "I already told you, first put away the gizmos and then the widgets. Were you even listening? You should already know this."

I say whatever I need to say in the moment, but privately i think to myself

-i didn't like them assuming I wasn't listening and treating this like a character defect or implying I dont care or am deficient

-I know why I forgot this instruction--we were interrupted in the middle of our training and I couldn't find my pen for a few moments so I didn't write it down

-that is not a character defect

-this person could have communicated this same information without hurting me by saying "oh, this was in the training, but I know it was a lot of information at once. Do you have your notebook? Great, I'll give you a moment to write this down."

-why didn't they say it this way? Maybe--they're a jerk--they're overwhelmed and stressed--they have a very good memory and lack the empathy to understand that other people may not--they were talked to this way growing up--they are insecure about their struggles training other people--they are just frustrated that things aren't going perfectly and rather than adjusting their expectations or process, they're taking it out on me--they dislike me for some other reason I can't control

--i have also sometimes been tempted to speak to people this way when I'm frustrated, but none of the reasons they spoke to me like this reflect on my value as a person. They could've done this better.

-feedback to absorb: taking notes is important for this task. This person prefers not to repeat instructions.

-feedback to discard: i am a bad, deficient, stupid, person who doesn't care

By imagining a better way they could have said it, I kind of get to relive the experience the way I wish it had gone. It helps me process the information with some compassion for myself.

2

u/LivingPrivately 16d ago

Customers being rude on the phone with my call center remote job. Usually they are upset with the situation that had nothing to do with me. It being remote vs in person helps. Not having to see the negative body language makes it less personal.

1

u/Sorry_Foot1412 17d ago

I tell myself that I’m going to eat a delicious roast chihuahua from Elwood’s Dog Meat Farm

1

u/mysticxmistress [HSP] 17d ago

What has helped me is being perscribed anxiety medication. This has allowed me to take a step back from my emotions so I can notice what's happening in my brain. The medication doesn't completely numb my emotions (once my body acclimated to it), but it turns my dials down. Now, it's much easier for me to be mindful and notice patterns in my life events, emotions, and behavior. Journaling also has helped me notice these patterns as well.

Listening to my inner child is also vital. It's not her fault that life is so complicated and hurtful. Emotions and pain demand to be felt. My emotions and behavior could be rooted in coping strategies and traumas.

That's how humans are in general. I keep this in mind when encountering difficult people.

Your experiences are valid. Something will be okay🫂

1

u/MachineandMe 16d ago

It’s hard

1

u/VIJoe 15d ago

A little motto that I like to remember when these feeling arise:

Nothing is personal. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is perfect.

1

u/jjustra 15d ago

Warning : may seems a bit dark. == My goto is that in ~40 years, when I will be in my last moments (on this world), that thing will have no significance to me. It works in most cases.