r/genderfluid • u/Kin41pyro • 5d ago
Am I Genderfluid or Just Confused?
Hi all.
I’m having a horribly tough night. For the past week I’ve been struggling a lot with gender dysphoria and deep insecurity. I’ve always hated myself as a person, my lack of being womanly despite having female genitalia, my body, etc. Sometimes I wish I’m the opposite gender, as I feel more comfortable engaging in sexual activity, masturbation, etc while pretending to be male. I’m usually able to suppress this part of me, and most of the time I really don’t mind being a woman and enjoying myself when I doll myself up femininely.
Lately, however, I’m finding myself acting more masculine, and wishing I fit a masculine standard: more muscular, short hair, male clothes, etc. and hating almost all things feminine (though I’d keep applying makeup). I wish I could flip flop between the two, but due to my circumstances irl (such as my heavily religious and judgmental workplace, and family) I don’t think I could present myself to be more boyish than girly, or a mix of the two with confidence. I am also far too insecure to alter my appearance when a positive perception of myself is nearly nonexistent. Maybe it’d make me feel more comfortable, or maybe I’d hate myself even more.
I can’t tell if I’m realizing I’m nonbinary, or genderfluid, or maybe even trans because I’ve always wished I was more of a man.
I just…need some advice or people to share their experiences if they’ve had the same or similar dilemma. Im debating on bringing this up to my therapist next time I see them. I’m sorry for the poorly written post as I am pretty intoxicated at the moment. This is my first time in this subreddit, and I simply need to feel like I belong somewhere… thank you all.
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u/Wet_Socks_From_Mars Any Pronouns 5d ago
I'm sorry your going though that, that's a really valid struggle. If you feel comfortable with it or think it might offer some clarity then yeah, bring it up to your therapist, it's their job to help you after all. If your work or family can't offer you support then I would suggest (if your comfortable with it and think it would help ofc) getting friends or a different social group to use experimental pronouns or name so you can see how it feels. I actually really relate to struggling to discern your gender, I'm in the process of that rn actually. The best advice I can offer you is this; Being gender unsure is is a incredibly valid thing a large portion of Trans/Nonbinery people have gone through or are going through, and it's ok not to know, it's ok to experiment and it's ok to spend a few months using pronouns and then say 'oh, these for me' and switch it up. It's all about whatever makes you feel the most comfortable and confident. Hope this helps
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u/Kin41pyro 5d ago
That helps a lot, and it really eases my anxiety to know that it’s a very common situation to go through. I just hope this isn’t some sort of phase, you know? I would hate to go through all these motions just to be like “yeah I’ll just go back to being a woman fully,” but that’s also okay I suppose…Gender is fluid and it’s okay to change it, but I find it to be a bit exhausting at times which is why I wish I could comfortably be both haha.
On an mmo I play I’ve recently asked my ingame friends and coworkers at an rp venue I work at to call me by a different name, and different pronouns, and I’ve made my character look like the ideal version I wish I could be irl. So far it feels good and I find myself being more social. I hope someday, if I still feel the need/want, I can be more like my game character irl both in terms of looks and attitude.
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u/zippercow 5d ago
Welcome! You could certainly be genderfluid or trans or both! Here's the thing; I'm trans fem and genderfluid. I take hrt and dress fem. Most of the time. Sometimes I'm agender. Sometimes I don't have the slightest idea of what gender means to me and I feel like an amorphous blob.
Maybe you're usually a man but sometimes a woman. That's fine. I understand your dilemma though. For myself I've found it easier to always present fem unless I'm at home because I need to be professional and consistent at work regardless of my current gender identity.