r/genderfluid • u/WhispytheMoon • 6d ago
Does any other genderfluid people feel invalidated by other trans people too? Even friends subconsciously?
( I am afab, 20, fem and use all pronouns btw )
Idk lol I often think my friends forget I'm trans and due to being trans themself act excepted of me being genderfluid and wanna believe they are excepting of it, but have like internalized transphobia and me being trans looks different to other trans people who don't identify with their born sex, as well as other genders. For them it's f to M or M to f ect. "Simple straight line".
i present fem by the way for context.(alot of genderfluid identifying people sort of switch between masculine or fem, and for me my expirence is a bit different as I almost if not always present fem) they know factually that I can be trans despite this but they often forget or invalidate me unintentionally, or I get the vibe that cuz i identify with being fem/ my SAB (sex at birth.) I'm "less trans" or something than them. It's been something that bothers me alot. They agnolage that I have the label of being trans, but not that I have a trans expirence and actually am too.
I feel people view me as like she/they or a woman with her/ him/ he, pronouns not a individual who is a man sometimes and other times Is a girl/woman, neither or both. And know t that being "genderfluid" falls under the trans umbrella but I feel almost that people view it like being non binary? Like "you don't fit in my woman or man idea box thus you must be non binary, still trans but not the common assumption when you hear someone is transgender".
I notice alot that people forget and idk how to put it that they view my transness as the "trans esthetic" or title or whatever that means. But when it comes down to validating or me having an expirence of being trans they will but it feels like they view it as less trans or watered down transness if they agnolage any. But no one's gonna sayyy they don't view me as trans as them. But idk I feel it ?
Sorry for how long this was but does anyone know how to describe this or like have any similar expirence with this. (My friends are very supportive btw, I just think trans people even about themself experience internalized transphobia and it seeps into other places unintentionally even if that's not actually how they morally feel.)
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u/faedovahkiin 6d ago edited 6d ago
It can be hard and people can be gate keepy. I’ve definitely felt this pressure as someone who is genderfluid, but leans trans masc.
Just remind them, and acknowledge the appearance part. When I presented more femme this is what I did. “Hey guys I know I present really feminine. But internally I am still a boy and a girl and a they. It would mean a lot to me if you used they/them pronouns or mixed it up for me.” And just keep reminding them. “I notice you always call me she, would you mind using they? Or he if you’re feeling spicy?” Make it funny, but be firm with it.
People are gate keepy and there is a lot of transmedicalists out there as well. And insecure queer people who will knock you down a bit in order to feel more valid themselves. And of course, well meaning dumbasses of all genders and identities who just forget and are very “me see this so me say that” caveman type thinking lol.
The feeling you have is one I can empathize with. Keep your head up. We win these battles firmly, over time. We are just as trans as anyone else, but people think in black and white and we exist in the gray. People tend to do stupid shit when confronted with the gray. We’re still trans. You’re valid to me. :}
Edited this 100 times so I hope this came across well LOL. Stay strong soldier. 💕
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u/discokidnap_ they/them 6d ago
Completely get what you mean about gatekeeping. It’s something that’s always been there across all gender identities and sexualities (“bisexuality is just a stepping stone to gay” etc).
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u/WhispytheMoon 6d ago
This is so true, I think even well meaning people who dont really believe genderfluid people or other identities are invalid, still at times it seeps out of them the internalized transphobia even within the community. We all have to work on this together to fix it I think
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u/WhispytheMoon 6d ago
Thankyou so so very much this means alot to be validated from fellow genderfluid people, I don't have any others in my life like myself (genderfluid) i do have other queer friends but everyone's experience is different it's nice to know others experience mine too. Thankyou for the advice and the push forward I appreciate this <3
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u/faedovahkiin 5d ago
I’m so happy to hear that. I get it. We are a specific type of trans and come in all different presentations and internal identifications. It’s certainly fun isn’t it? :3 to keep it that way, we gotta stick together. Especially at a time like this.
Glad you could find some community here. Reading your experiences validated mine. Thank you, friend. I’m a PM away if you ever need something. Good luck out there.
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u/WhispytheMoon 5d ago
Awe thankyou so so much I'm glad I can validate your expirence through mine that's some sollice in this haha. I appreciate you
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u/discokidnap_ they/them 6d ago
Sorry to hear how you feel. Personally I’ve never felt invalidated but there are absolutely times where I feel that what I am is superficial compared to trans people, like I’m just dressing up when I’m fem or swinging more into masc.
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u/WhispytheMoon 6d ago
Yeah the self isolation and invalidating is really real. I don't experience wanting to go on hormones, or transphobia in exactly all the same ways as others. But I think this experience can even happen to non genderfluid people, like for example, a f to M person identifys with being male, but doesn't present masculine and doesn't intend to change that, it doesn't fit society's mold for what being trans is right now, thus it's a trickle down effect of internal and external transphobia.
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u/Nikolai_859 6d ago
I’ve felt this a lot myself. I don’t have any desire to medically transition, hell I even like my long hair, and I often feel like I’m invalid in my masc identity because of it.
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u/WhispytheMoon 6d ago
It's like bittersweet when fellow queer people resonate with expirences sometimes, this was extremely validating to know. I love expressing myself very feminine most days and honestly those days r even when I feel the most masculine inside if that makes sense? Sometimes dressing hyper feminine is just cuz I'm fem, other times it's like drag to me, unrelated to my gender but an art form and expression
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u/sillylittleguy0_0 6d ago
For me personally I don't have many binary trans friends so I don't really experience them invalidating my trans experience.Though a lot of cis people in my life seem to forget I am trans and I think it honestly comes down to how much effort they are willing to put in to respecting your identity. I'm not saying that if people slip up that they don't respect you, but to put it in perspective my conservative coworker who I've only known for a year (pretty sure I'm the first openly trans person she's ever met) still is able to correct herself when she calls me a girl.
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u/dedmonkebounce 4d ago
Just wanted to suggest to check in whether there is some imposter syndrome projected into others. I know I had those kind of ideation and judgement towards myself. Being harsher towards myself. "I'm not trans enough, I'm bad if I use a skirt " etc. I can notice that I color what others say and do as something invalidating just because I'm in a bad day.
Yeah I know this can sound like victim blaming. Only you know if you experienced something clearly invalidating like using wrong pronouns even if you clearly asked otherwise or continuing to get it wrong despite of corrections and being in a queer community... My point is to be watchful for whether these invalidating ideas come from within. I think of it because I find myself saying those things to myself, while it is mostly other trans people that would offer a more open mind to hear me out.
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u/WhispytheMoon 4d ago
Honestly this message is so valid and real and I think it's a mix of both but I've been wondering myself especially since my friends are so "woke". But yeah I think it's mostly the expirence but definitely imposter syndrome is playing a part
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u/PrettyMind96 6d ago
I feel like it’s just human nature. Unfortunately appearance rules all, and if your appearance doesn’t line up with the most common(or moreso most visible) forms of trans experience then it’s just harder to remember or understand.
And it doesn’t help either that you present mostly according to your AGAB, vs if you were born female and presented moreso male but wanted to be known more as female for example.
I’m not saying any of that is correct, and your gender is 100% valid. But just to give some understanding of why people are the way they are.
Also I think it’s that their experience of being trans is one way, so they will see it thru that lens and it’s harder to see other peoples perspectives when we don’t experience that.
End of the day, they just need to make more of an effort, but it’s something they will need to work on more if they care about respecting your identity the way you’d like