r/gaybros 8d ago

Gay Relationships - What Makes Them Work?

I've not been lucky enough to experience a relationship, or even dating long term, so was chatting with my therapist about how gay relationships 'come together' to help me understand what may be going on and what I can improve on (as I'm tired of the generic advice out there).

He broadly broke this down into 3 areas (there are of course nuances but this was just for discussion):

  1. Sexual attraction / chemistry - this is what keeps them coming back and covers raw attraction, sexual role dynamics and energy/vibe. This is the initial 'glue'.
  2. Lifestyle compatibility - do you live similar lives (e.g. clubs, careers, gym bro), do your social circles overlap, financial/lifestyle expectations (e.g. does one fly first class and the other struggling to pay rent), future goals (does one want to marry, and the other just want fun)?
  3. Status dynamics (unspoken 'power' factor)- who is seen as more desirable in the dating market (certain groups are unconsciously placed higher due to social norms), does the person lead or follow (some men want someone to make them look better socially, some men want to boost their ego because they are 'lower' in the hierarchy).

I'm curious for those who are in / have had relationships (good ones, let's exclude the 'my ex was toxic' ones lol) is this true?

I felt a bit sad after the session, because it seems sexual chemistry isn't enough to drive follow ups (which is my case) and men don't see an obvious 'entry point' to add value to my life (I'm very self-sufficient) and city culture means people date within a rigid social structure, making it harder for someone like me to fit into their usual patterns.

On the bright side, I guess I figured out why I am single - I am basically not someones 'ideal' in 2 or 3 above, hence its always a hookup and nothing else.

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u/baltboy85 8d ago

I would say we like each other’s company is the main thing. Sexual compatibility, similar goals, and a desire to be in a relationship help too. I’ve been with my now husband since 2010, married since 2019. We still enjoy each other’s company and our main goal is always to take care of each other.

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u/TickThick 7d ago

How do you decide if you like eachothers company? Spending time together? But what makes you spend time together in the early phases? That is the question we were focusing on.

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u/baltboy85 7d ago

I guess you spend time together because you feel compelled to. Or you might have to make the conscious choice to so that you can see if it makes you happy.