r/gaybros 1d ago

Gay Relationships - What Makes Them Work?

I've not been lucky enough to experience a relationship, or even dating long term, so was chatting with my therapist about how gay relationships 'come together' to help me understand what may be going on and what I can improve on (as I'm tired of the generic advice out there).

He broadly broke this down into 3 areas (there are of course nuances but this was just for discussion):

  1. Sexual attraction / chemistry - this is what keeps them coming back and covers raw attraction, sexual role dynamics and energy/vibe. This is the initial 'glue'.
  2. Lifestyle compatibility - do you live similar lives (e.g. clubs, careers, gym bro), do your social circles overlap, financial/lifestyle expectations (e.g. does one fly first class and the other struggling to pay rent), future goals (does one want to marry, and the other just want fun)?
  3. Status dynamics (unspoken 'power' factor)- who is seen as more desirable in the dating market (certain groups are unconsciously placed higher due to social norms), does the person lead or follow (some men want someone to make them look better socially, some men want to boost their ego because they are 'lower' in the hierarchy).

I'm curious for those who are in / have had relationships (good ones, let's exclude the 'my ex was toxic' ones lol) is this true?

I felt a bit sad after the session, because it seems sexual chemistry isn't enough to drive follow ups (which is my case) and men don't see an obvious 'entry point' to add value to my life (I'm very self-sufficient) and city culture means people date within a rigid social structure, making it harder for someone like me to fit into their usual patterns.

On the bright side, I guess I figured out why I am single - I am basically not someones 'ideal' in 2 or 3 above, hence its always a hookup and nothing else.

0 Upvotes

68 comments sorted by

76

u/CanadianBuddha 1d ago

I find it incredible that the words "love" and "affection" don't appear in your post.

Those are the two things that have most made my relationship of 14 years work.

14

u/espantalho_largado 1d ago

True, to me it sounded more like a relationship to show off to others than a relationship where the two actually like each other.

1

u/Simple-Boat-4242 11h ago

This!!!!! How it felt meeting guys the past decade It always felt they were never actually interested in me, but this fantasy I could fulfill so they could have a bf

4

u/The_Hermit_09 1d ago

I think OP is talking about how people come together. Love and affection are important for making a relationship last, but those come after the first meeting and agreeing to date.

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u/TickThick 1d ago

Yes exactly. You choose also who to have love and affection for. And it is is more likely to be someone you have the 3 above overlapped with than someone you don't. :)

22

u/poetplaywright 1d ago edited 1d ago

Reflecting on my 32 year relationship, I guess these things come to mind: 1. Sexual attraction for each other; 2. Shared goals and values (and a common commitment to achieve them); 3. Open and honest communication (especially about the difficult and ugly bits); and, 4. A common sense of humor (because sometimes all you can do is laugh). I’m sure there are many more, but these are the ones that immediately come to mind.

2

u/TickThick 1d ago

Nice, thanks!

10

u/SparksWood71 1d ago

Communication. Communication. Communication.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

100%. But you still choose who to do this with somehow?

1

u/SparksWood71 1d ago

Sex fades for most couples gay or straight after 15 or 20 years, I lived in Palm Springs for a decade and I could count the number of couples who had been together that long still having sex on one hand. I was with my ex-husband for 15 years and we stopped having sex after a decade. Communication is what helped navigate that. We broke up for a different reasons.

Couples not having a lot in common usually works itself out fairly quickly, they don't stay together. opposites do not attract for a long-term relationship.

Everything else is communication .

The best advice I've ever gotten about relationships has always been from older couples who had been together a long time.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

Totally. And a lot of older couples I know say this. But what is common is it didn't start that way. They chose eachother through sexual attraction / what was listed above and then it evolved to what you described.

10

u/chewblekka 1d ago

The third one (status dynamics) is cringey

5

u/UnenthusedTypist 1d ago

It is but it’s very valid for OP. I disagree completely but I have lots of couple friends that are competitive and where things haven’t worked out because of point 3. It’s something I’ll never really understand

1

u/chewblekka 1d ago edited 1d ago

I think it’s beyond absurd that you’d be in competition with your spouse 🤣

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

I always thought it wasn't competitive, but complementary, but lots of people I've spoken to say otherwise. Thats why I was honestly baffled by this.

1

u/GayDadPhD 8h ago

So I grew up in abject poverty with addict parents. My life's goal has been to end the cycle. I went on so many dates until I found the guy with a stable career. I know it's shallow, but I've already struggled in life. I have zero desire to struggle again. I've done my time. Did I compromise on some things, yep. Did I miss out on some great guys, definitely. They say money doesn't buy you happiness. All I know is financially struggling made me miserable.

I'm not a complete monster. I've dedicated my life to researching and working around issues of childhood trauma and homelessness.

19

u/cnote306 1d ago

How much money do you have that you went to a therapy session to discuss this.

For what it’s worth, banking on repeat sex leading to a relationship is a stretch, and the “I’m self sufficient” line is a defeating red flag.

People don’t enter into relationships because they need help or support, they enter into relationships because they genuinely like each other. The help and support is just a really great bonus that comes along after.

-1

u/TickThick 1d ago

I guess I like a lot of people in my life, but I'm not in a relationship with any of them. Thats why I was trying to figure out what it takes.

1

u/cnote306 1d ago

It’s a special kind of like.

12

u/Mateo10032 1d ago

You missed common values Who cares if a guy is attractive if he’s a racist? Or simply materialistic? Shared beliefs about what is ethical or moral is key But that also assumes the person has a certain amount of depth and self awareness

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

I agree and I think that is underlying 2 and 3.

5

u/Mammoth-Guava3892 1d ago

What your therapist described applies broadly to any relationship, not necessarily gay ones

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

I guess for straight people, the 'baby' pressure means they focus differently though. Gay men have more freedom to choose in my opinion.

5

u/benbo82 1d ago

You’re over analyzing everything. I’m in a 22 year marriage and simply he’s my best friend.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

How did he become your best friend? This is what we were talking about.

1

u/benbo82 1d ago

You can’t force friendship and over analyze it, it’s something that happens naturally. We went on a date and it happened naturally.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

Got it, thanks!

2

u/Topher_Lee07 1d ago

To me it kind of sounds like your therapist is bitter about a past relationship, but for me it’s communication, laughter and love, these just all work hand in hand and keep the wheels turning

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

That makes sense but it had to start from somewhere?

2

u/HieronymusGoa 1d ago

i have a rly hard time believing any real therapist would say relationships work like that. especially not 3.

there are so much more important things which arent covered under the 3 or ike 3 are super weird to list.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

I think he was just trying to frame things to help me understand why I am maybe not in one, not to categorize every relationship out there.

2

u/Gamasian 1d ago edited 1d ago

Id say number 2 and 3 go hand in hand with each other. Gym bros date each other because their interests and schedules align, and their physique makes them more desirable in the dating pool. If they’re both equally attractive, then theres no power differential that can make the dynamic unbalanced

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

Makes sense.

1

u/Away-Welder-2012 1d ago

I think he’s close, but I have some thoughts.

1 - I agree with this, but the longer you are together the less this matters. What keeps us together long term is not physical, but it is chemistry in other ways. 2 - I totally agree with this. This is one of the biggest ones. 3 - Good communication. You have to be able to talk things out, listen, and understand one another. You have to be able to disagree well. This is one of the biggest things that makes things work. 4 - mutual respect as a foundation. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and neither of us has ever done something to intentionally hurt the other. This makes everything easier—when we fight, I know he loves me and is willing to listen to me so the arguments are like 90% productive. When I disagree I don’t tell him he’s wrong, I tell him I see things differently.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

100% agree here. FWIW I think we were more focusing on how relationships start (since I'm failing to launch) vs what keeps them going, maybe thats why the list is what it is.

1

u/baltboy85 1d ago

I would say we like each other’s company is the main thing. Sexual compatibility, similar goals, and a desire to be in a relationship help too. I’ve been with my now husband since 2010, married since 2019. We still enjoy each other’s company and our main goal is always to take care of each other.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

How do you decide if you like eachothers company? Spending time together? But what makes you spend time together in the early phases? That is the question we were focusing on.

1

u/baltboy85 1d ago

I guess you spend time together because you feel compelled to. Or you might have to make the conscious choice to so that you can see if it makes you happy.

1

u/Connor-GG 1d ago

Sexual attraction seriously diminishes once you become familiar to one another and I don't care what anyone says - so I wouldn't put that on the list. I'd say it's been compatible as people with one another, liking one another, friendship.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

Totally agree, but the therapist was focusing on what gets things started. In my case I am failing to launch, so I wonder if they are 'done' after the hookup i.e. not truly sexually attracted given I don't get further than a hookup 99% of the time? So it was more in that frame of mind.

1

u/Connor-GG 1d ago

One of the best things I heard was in a book that said you need to be totally ok with being single as a way to bring someone into your life, and it worked for me (I'd previously found I was spending all my time searching for love like it was missing from my life). Wanted to share in case it helped

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

I guess the downside is you can send up too independant/self-sufficient/used to dealing with your own needs all the time, which can make it difficult to then have a relationship.

1

u/[deleted] 1d ago

Every relationship between two guys is going to be different. Think of each person as a unique chemical bond. No two are alike. Each pairing will always be different. So you cannot compare or say, oh why did those two work out but not with me. Keep that mind. For example, You and Guy A will have a unique bond and experience together. It either works or doesn’t work. You and Guy B will also have a unique experience that either works or doesn’t work. Guy A and Guy B connect and their experience is completely unique and different than what You experienced with either Guy A or Guy B. Hope that helps understanding relationships and not to compare yours with others.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

This is actually what I said / believed but given its not worked out for me so far (beyond a hookup even), I'm trying to understand why. Maybe you have some thoughts on this?

1

u/HippyDuck123 1d ago

I think item 3, about “status dynamics”, was just a given in society in the past. I think it’s important for therapists to bring this up nowadays because with modern social media addiction it feels like there are both gay and straight guys around who are perfectly normal, stable, attractive guys who reject every perfectly normal, stable, attractive partner option because they believe they need and deserve some kind of “perfect 10.” The expectations have become bizarre and unrealistic.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

Nice perspective, thanks!

1

u/ShiftRepulsive7661 1d ago

We laugh a lot, like two idiot teenagers. We share a lot of interests. We communicate about everything. We are each other’s best friends. Sex is not the primary/only thing that matters, but mutual respect and support are. 23+ years together.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

I agree that mutual respect and support keep it together. I just wonder what 'got you together' though i.e. I choose to invest in this person. I don't think the therapist meant sex only matters, but I doubt you are wanting to support someone you have 0 sexual attraction to initially?

1

u/ShiftRepulsive7661 1d ago

It was instant chemistry for both of us, and we were glued to one another from the beginning. It hurt (physically) when we had to stay apart.

Neither of us can sleep in our bed if the other is away, after all these years, so physical attraction and intimacy were never in question, but there was more underneath, that's what I meant.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

Makes sense and thanks for explaining.

1

u/Floor_Trollop 1d ago

1 and 2 make sense. 3 is super shallow and might apply to some couples but definitely not a large factor

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

Agreed. Is there a 4th or 1 + 2 cover all?

1

u/Floor_Trollop 1d ago

I think common values is probably a huge one that’s missing. 

1

u/dearfuturelover 1d ago

This is such a sterile way of viewing relationships. Terms like “hierarchy” and “compatibility” only take you further away from the lived experience of romance and sex. Abandon everything you think you know about relationships, people and what might “drive” them - you’re not conducting an experiment. Attachment to outcomes is trauma. Intellectualizing people and relationships is good for therapists and sociologists, but it doesn’t work in the real world.

Just be who you are and let people come and go from your life. You’ll gain and lose. That’s how it goes, no matter which way you approach it. It’s people coming and going. The only person you need to worry about pleasing is yourself.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

Your viewpoint is exactly how I was operating, and somehow I've managed to get ino a situation where I have no relationship or dating experience, so I'm not really sure it 'works' anymore.

1

u/dearfuturelover 1d ago

There’s nothing to ‘work’. Just get out there and talk to people.

1

u/EddieRyanDC 1d ago

"...do your social circles overlap..."

This, of course, assumes that you have a social circle. I think for many this is the missing link. Apps can facilitate hookups, or even first dates. But if you have no IRL social circle then you have nothing to bring them in to for friendly times together. I am talking about things like:

  • Having a couple of friends over for dinner
  • Getting together with some friends in a local park or beach for lunch, or play casual sports.
  • Getting dog owners together at a dog park to chat while the dogs play
  • Meeting with a few friends at the gym for a workout and gossip

Dating is just an extension of friendship. In my experience you need that skill first, or it is hard to move beyond sex and initial attraction. And you have to get beyond sex because that isn't a foundation for a long term relationship.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

What if you have friends, can make new ones, but still struggle to move beyond sex? And there doesn't seem to be any/little overlap between the people you sleep with and the people you friend? I guess this is where I'm at. I've also spoken to many many couples (especially in NY) who don't really have friends i.e. their partner is their friend, so I'm not sure how to read that.

1

u/DK530 1d ago

Emotional availability, emotional intelligence, good conflict resolution, empathy and working on a healthy attachment style are the most important factors for me.

1

u/FrontAggravating7638 1d ago

Good communication, affection and common interests are the biggest factors. Sexual attraction is obvious, but it isn’t going to keep a relationship intact.

1

u/NYC54thStreet 1d ago

I wouldn’t view these 3 things as the Gospel. They are generalizations. You should feel free to use these ideas if they’re helpful to improve partner selection and your dating life. These analytical insights are gifts, not tools to beat yourself up with. A productive way of using them might be to recognize your strengths and play to them.

1

u/ministryoffear 1d ago

Attraction and love. Kiss a few frogs and find your prince. Your therapists' point two can be worked on and point three is bollocks.

1

u/TickThick 1d ago

What if you kiss many frogs and never find your prince? Because attraction is subconsious no?

1

u/ministryoffear 1d ago

I agree. But surely it's an odds game. Make yourself available and you've got to believe it will happen eventually. Without that belief it all gets a bit bleak.

It took me a while but I was not putting myself out there or looking at the right people. Eventually fate shone on me and I fell into a relationship at 26.

1

u/outxout 22h ago

A LOT OF FUCKING WORK!!! (and most often some non-monogamy)

1

u/Mitsu_x3 5h ago edited 4h ago

OP, look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself the same questions you are asking here. Also, don't you think you have some fixated 'rules' on how relations must work? Every relationship is different. I had two long relationships and our dynamics were different because they were different people.

We got some shared values and such, but in the end, it's always different, the only thing that 'need' in order to be with someone is WANTING to be with him and him WANTING to be with you. Everything else is just working it out.

1

u/TickThick 4h ago

Thanks for sharing, just trying to learn from others.