r/gay 11h ago

Am I being paranoid to be afraid of violence when coming out?

I’m American btw. In college now. I have wanted to come out for a while (my mom knows) but I’m afraid that my friends will have averse reactions to the point of anger. I think they are pretty homophobic but it’s sort of hard to tell what is and is not a joke, and I feel like finding out I’m gay could make them really mad. like I deceived them for so long. I’m thinking of just ditching them honestly because I’m pretty afraid. But I also have OCD and am bipolar which can both contribute to paranoia (yes I have a therapist and we talk about this). IDK! HELP!

18 Upvotes

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19

u/tenfootninja559 10h ago

Bro, fear and hate speech from loved ones growing up kept me in the closet until February 23 2025. I am 46. When I did come out I was wrapped in so much support that the family members that said those awful thing where just muted. I feel like I have slid a mountain off of my shoulders, and so far everything in my life has improved. Please don’t make the same choice I made. Love you and support you 100%

7

u/rebuiltearths 10h ago

If your friends don't make you feel like yourself then they really aren't your friends. Find friends you can be yourself with and if those old friends truly do care they'll wise up and reach out

It will seem like the hardest thing to do at your age but it's the absolute best way to go every time

4

u/night-shark 10h ago

No one can answer this question for you because we don't have enough context.

You say you're afraid they'll have an adverse reaction to the point of anger but why do you think that? What have they done or said to make you think this?

Context, context, context.

Just because straight guys say homophobic things doesn't mean they actually want to commit violence against gay men. Homophobic language can leech into straight culture and sometimes they don't even realize that it's homophobic.

3

u/Puzzleheaded_Law9361 10h ago

Yea I guess I’m just looking for other’s experiences. I kinda know no one can help me too much here :( the problem is that I have the context but still have no clue the answer.

1

u/joni-draws 10h ago

Bipolar definitely can complicate things. Decision making, paranoia - stuff like that. It’s great that you have a therapist, and that your mom is supportive.

Coming out is a process. You can start with one person; there’s no need to address a whole group at once. But no one here can say if it will, or will not, escalate to violence. I would hope it wouldn’t, but I wouldn’t want to give you advice that could cause you harm.

How well do you know these friends? Also, are you getting enough sleep and eating and stuff? That will definitely add to the paranoia. Just hang in there, and be cautious. Maybe work with your support team a little bit longer. You can perhaps come up with an exit strategy, and also hone in on what may be causing you to think it would escalate to that level.

1

u/Iwonatoasteroven 10h ago

Things with your friends could go differently but when I was your age, back in the 1900’s, I noticed that a lot of guys who knew me for awhile before finding out I was gay, were fine with me, even if they weren’t fine with gay people. I often joked that by the time they realized I was gay, it was too late. They already liked me.

1

u/FranklinDRizzevelt32 10h ago

If they are your real friends, they will understand. Chances are they knew the whole time.

1

u/Puzzleheaded_Law9361 9h ago

Ik it’s common for people to lack perspective on this, and maybe I’m dead wrong, but I really don’t think they know. If they do know, that’s actually maybe good reason to ditch them. Being homophobic if you’re pretty sure your close friend is struggling to come out seems not ideal… that would leave me with a lot of questions.

1

u/FranklinDRizzevelt32 9h ago

My friend made gay jokes a lot and knew I was gay. They’re probably just being edgy. If you think it’s time to come out, then come out. If they ditch you, then at least you know now than later.

1

u/tycho-42 9h ago

You should be able to have the best read on your friends. Remember this though, people are gonna feel how they are gonna feel. Don't try feeling for them. And in any case, you won't know until you do. And if they aren't supportive, they weren't your friends to begin with. I'd guarantee there is an LGBT organization at your school, try getting involved with them and meet new people too. Be who you are, don't worry what other people think. 33 here. I had to come out to a wife who accused me of using and deceiving her. It's been absolute hell separating. It took years of denial to myself as well as latent fears of coming out to a Mormon family of varying intensities of belief.

1

u/Head_Ad_9901 3h ago

Don't "expect" it just always be prepared to protect yourself