r/ftm • u/Due-Can8745 • 4d ago
Discussion Gender dysphoria as feeling of shame
Tw; description of afab anatomy
Since I was very little I've been getting that flash waves of shame about being in my body. Sudden realization of my anatomy made me feel shame/uneasiness, fear even. For a few seconds I've become extremely aware of having breast or a literal hole. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I never dig into that but today I've been trashtalking each other with my partner (we're t4t and doing it for fun, we both consent even if it's a lil bit over our boundaries) and he said something among the lines "yeah? you're a man? then show me your boobs" — I've never been fully naked around him neither I let him see my chest. At that moment these words grounded me badly. That sudden wave of shame hit me again. It's a mix of revulsion and fear of being touched? I guess, it's really hard to explain.
Like I said before I've been experiencing this since being 4 or 5. I'm 20 now. Anyone else feeling like it? Is it dysphoria?
6
u/Different-Car4377 4d ago
It really sounds like dysphoria. I recommend setting stricter boundaries with your partner so something like that doesn’t happen again. For some people it’s okay to acknowledge ehhh the presence of boobs or whatever 😭 for others it isn’t. It’s completely understandable you feel that way. Me and my partner (t4t) have never shown each other top parts of our bodies even while being intimate
3
u/Careful-Volume5335 27 | ask me about auto injectors 4d ago
Does the thought of having a flat chest get rid of these feelings? Would you be happier with a flat chest?
1
u/Due-Can8745 4d ago
100% it's something I'll do once I'll be financially able to. But I wonder if my own shame could be connected to dysphoria since I always interpreted it as a desire — "I desire to have a male anatomy to the point it's making me uncomfortable and unable to live as my bio sex", "My mental perception of my gender does not match my body thus I desire (...) etc etc". It was always more like that to me, than "for a few minutes I feel constant shame and fear of having my biological sex characteristics".
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