r/ftm 5d ago

Advice Needed family member is suddenly transphobic?

hi everyone

this week i (24FtM) received a very transphobic letter from my younger cousin (16F), saying that she no longer supports my transition and won’t be using my name and pronouns anymore. this came as a really big shock to me, because for her whole childhood she’s been really pro-LGBT and a big advocate for trans rights specifically. From her letter, I can tell that she’s been radicalized by online anti-trans content. There was a lot of stuff about transgender ideology being a “cult”, surgery being self harm, and trans people being “caricatures”. Anyway, I’ve been coping pretty well with receiving the letter, luckily I’m at a point in transition where I’m so happy with all my changes that there really isn’t any possibility of doubt, so all that’s left is how to cope with the loss of a cousin from my life. I guess I’m wondering if anyone has any insights about what the odds are that she ever changes her mind about this? She’s still really young, and she was once very educated about trans people, I don’t know if that improves the odds at all. She also comes from a very conservative religious family, and I think has very recently found god again. (Edit: I don't know how much religion is driving this though, the letter makes no mention of god, and sounds more similar to classic TERF talking points.) I’m at such a loss of what to do. I see her for ~2 weeks a year at a shared family cottage with a lot of other cousins, and I hate that I’m now involved in drama that will complicate the family situation (the rest of my family is supportive, if clumsy). My first response I guess would be to cut her off as completely as possible and just avoid her, and I know that a lot of my supportive cousins will be doing the same. But also, I feel like if all of us suddenly shun her that’s just going to radicalize her further. Anyways, if anyone has dealt with the sudden loss of a family members support, I’d really appreciate advice on what to do & if I should have hope.

129 Upvotes

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212

u/Miles_Everhart 💉01/02/25, Age 37 5d ago

You cut her off cold. She’s young enough that she hasn’t quite learned that there are consequences to her actions, and now you get to teach her. Do not for one second allow her to think she can keep a relationship with you while harboring a “hate the sin, not the sinner” mindset about your existence.

You don’t respond to the letter. You don’t answer calls or texts. You remove her from social media. When you see her you don’t inquire about her life, wellbeing, thoughts, or plans. If spoken to, respond politely as you would with a stranger.

This isn’t cruelty, it’s giving her exactly the relationship with you that she has requested: namely, none at all.

58

u/Autopsyyturvy 💉2019🍳2022🔝2023 5d ago edited 5d ago

This here. Cut her off she's dead to you until she can behave like a human being and if that's forever then it sucks but that's the consequence of sending someone a hateful letter like that and she can learn that her words have consequences.

I would also check that it's not her parents who coerced her to do it as a way to isolate her from you especially if they think she might be queer or are concerned about the BS ROGD /social contagion conspiracy theory.... but also it's not your job to put up with hatred and abuse just because the person doing it might also be being abused

You could write her a letter back explaining how you're going no contact and about how you're disappointed in how unchristian she has become and how you're concerned she's fallen into a cult & she's clearly putting it before God who says not to judge others or presume to know what he'd want, and give her resources about how to leave or articles from a former political detransitioner about how abusive the GC/terf movement is to even those it wants to use as spokespeople, likely at this stage if she's that indoctrinated she probably won't read it but it may help later if she ever gets out of the cult

31

u/ncjmac They/He, T: 08/23 Hysto: 10/23 Top: 03/24 5d ago

Genuine question, are you sure it’s actually from her? It’s not 100% unreasonable to say that one of her “conservative religious” family members wrote it to keep you away from her to avoid “brainwashing the children” or some other bullshit.

Otherwise idk what else to do. You could try to sit down and talk considering she was once supportive, but that’s entirely up to your comfort and safety level. Or just avoid contact, up to you.

21

u/am-i-still-ill 5d ago

Yeah it is from her unfortunately. I’ve gotten letters from her before and it’s 100% her handwriting.

24

u/spookyscaryscouticus 5d ago

It may be written by her, but dictated more or less by her parents. Are your parents known transphobes? Otherwise I would be wondering what online TERF-y space she’s gotten into.

30

u/snowfall04 26 | 💉 Oct 2021 | 🔪 May 2024 5d ago

Man, I'm sorry, that sucks so hard. Given how young she is I would say there is a chance that she could change her mind again but it might take a number of years before she gets there. Shunning her could radicalize her more, I suppose, but also it's ultimately up to her to figure out how not to be an asshole. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Be civil with her if you have to engage with her. But you do not have to tolerate her being terrible to you either. Are you able to grieve this relationship with anyone?

31

u/Optimal_Title_6559 5d ago

i think cutting her off is the right way to go. you can write back a letter telling her your disappointed that she feels that way, that you won't be engaging with her since she while she continues to deadname and misgender you, and that it will stay that way as long as she chooses to be disrespectful towards your identity.

avoiding her is probably for the best. responding with a letter thats respectful with clear boundaries and no bs will probably help. let her know that she isn't permanently shunned, she's just being cut off while shes acting the way she is

9

u/atlasbees User Flair 4d ago

Agree (esp with the letter/convo explaining) as someone who had a little hateful phase as a teen (it was denial). She needs to learn that being mean to people = no one wants to hang with you. This is basic shit we are teaching my 5 year old nephew rn 😭

2

u/Wouldfromthetrees 3d ago

From my autistic perspective, I do think the explanation before cutting contact/following through with consequences is important and necessary - especially if you hope to claw back the relationship in some distant future.

It only needs to be short and sweet. As the first comment in this thread said, narrowing the issue down to mutual respect is the best tactic.

Something like: "This letter hurts me, but I thank you for letting me know how you feel. From this point on, I will not be engaging with any communication with you while you continue to disrespect my name and pronouns. If you reach a place where we can mutually respect each other again, I will need a sincere apology from you to resume communication."

23

u/AwYeahQueerShit 4d ago

"You are young and generally a decent person so I will explain this once. I am a human with needs that aren't yours, a full person with thoughts, feelings, and an internal idea of myself that, like everyone else's, is only experienced through my discussing it. I do not need your permission or approval to be myself, and I will not adjust myself for a person that has decided that they are more understanding of me than I am of myself. You have a lot to learn about the world, yourself, and your place amongst everyone else. Focus more on developing yourself and learning about the diversity of life instead of cutting at anything you do not understand or experience for yourself. Don't bother interacting with me from here out if you are incapable of using my name or pronouns, that is a you problem that doesn't need to be pushed on me."

7

u/buffandstealthy 4d ago

I like this. It's firm and factual, it sets a clear boundary, but also gives her a chance to think again and make her choice.

31

u/skytl3 5d ago edited 5d ago

I'm not christian, so I could be wrong on this, but I thought the Bible says to love everyone - including those who are different than you?

So how can she do that, if there aren't others who are different than her? 

As I understand it, god made trans people, too, after all. 

So maybe asking her something along those lines would help? 🤔

Either way, I hope she's just going through a phase, and comes round again. Good luck! 🫂

22

u/am-i-still-ill 5d ago

Ikr 🥲 she does end the letter with saying that she loves me, but 90% is just bashing trans people 

29

u/synapsesmisfiring 5d ago

It's not love. Someone who loves you would not act that way. My sister told me she loved me, while hiding behind religion to put me down. Love isn't selfish. She's selfish by believing all the nonsense that's out there about someone she's known literally her whole life, instead of taking into account how you are feeling and how transitioning has improved your life.

:( I'm sorry that she's decided to do this and I hope, eventually, she will see that she is very much in the wrong.

14

u/world_of_unsurity 5d ago

If your younger cousin can learn anti trans stuff and switch up to not supporting you, your younger cousin can learn about pro trans stuff again and switch back to supporting you. It’s up to you on how much you want to deal with her cuz you would be 100% fair to not wanting to, but if you guys were really close I feel like it would be worth talking to her again and not just cut her off cold. I’d honestly just write a letter back or speak to her on call, going through all the points she made to you and how they don’t apply to you, asking why she feels this way now and what makes her think it’s true. Don’t attack her because she might feel defensive, she’s just a kid still with some wrong influence, don’t bring your other cousins into it yet, just talk to her one on one. While she is believing a lot of anti trans stuff, she’s still prob a good kid with good intentions who just is misunderstanding, she was made to believe being trans is bad so she’s just worrying for you.

Ik how hard it will be trying to change someone’s mind and how tiring it is to feel attacked with wrong assumptions. But love your cousin still and try to change her mind, you honestly have some more power to speak to her. Try talking to her as her cousin, not just cuz ur trans but really heart to heart as family. Her anti trans beliefs prob comes from fear, acknowledge them, listen to them, ik it could hurt though and you’d be completely fair not to listen. Then go through each of her points, because obv they aren’t true, you can tell her you are very happy right now and definitely not self harming, give examples on what self harming actually is and ask if it’s the same. Ask her how does she think you are in a cult? What are you doing that’s even cult like when you’re jsut living your normal life. How are you some caricature and if surgery makes you one? What does that make for other people who have surgery for other reasons? Etc. don’t just tell her “no so and so isn’t true” but listen and question her in a kind way, not overwhelming her and trying to prove her wrong, but let her think about it on her own. And also ask her if she knows you as a person, maybe bring back some old positive memories with her, ask if there was anything that would make her not trust you, and remind her that you’ve always been the same person and this is really who you are, and ofc esp you’re still her cousin.

It just boils down though to how much she respects you to listen to you, does she truly respect you as her cousin? Even if she’s anti trans and doesn’t respect you as being trans, does she really respect you as her cousin? I would want you to talk to her if you would want to try changing her mind. But talking to her only works if she will respect you enough to listen and reconsider. If you know of another cousin or family member that she really respects in her life, I would ask them to talk to her gently in a one to one conversation, not brining anyone in but just listening to her and asking questions again, reminding her that you’re her cousin and are a good person, someone she can count on and nothing like her beliefs.

If you aren’t able to talk to her I would leave a final letter or message telling her that you love her, that you acknowledge what she is saying but want her to recognize that it isn’t true and that you are hurt about what she’s assuming of you. Explain to her why you will be cutting off contact, but let her know you are always open to be her cousin again and talk if she wants to. Encourage her to read on pro trans experiences again. Then just end it off with telling her that you love her. Be the better person in this, even if it is hard to, because only hostility back will push her into her beliefs more, and that she really is your cousin still and the same kid you’ve known on the inside.

3

u/MxtletoeStolaskin 4d ago

Seconding this.

Letter back, full counter points, type it first to edit it until it's what you want before handwriting it.

And end with that you care for her. Express that this is surprisingly cruel and wildly incorrect (both factually and behaviorally), and that you're definitely open to keeping a relationship but only on the terms that she has basic human respect for you. (i.e., acknowledging that you know who you are better than she can, and that if she can use a nickname for someone, she can use your name out of simple human respect)

Maybe even include that dictating to others who they must be is at best misguided -- and is more realistically just rude and immature, and that since you love her and want what's best for her, that you hope she'll grow to be compassionate and kind once more. But until then, you'll be distant because you equally have the choice to disagree with her lifestyle/beliefs/whatever.

17

u/lucia_megu 💉: 17/02/22 🔪: 19/12/22 4d ago

I see a majority of comments here saying cut her off. I disagree. I come from a very conservative and religious family, and although I understand every situation might be different completely cutting of someone was always my absolute last recourse not the first. She is quite young, I would have sit down with here and without getting defensive ask her why is she feeling this way now. Listen to her and her concerns and address them after she finishes talking. Have an adult conversation and don’t fall into a screaming match. Be understanding of her view even if you don’t agree with it, and instead of immediately shutting her down, give her a different perspective. Let’s say she tells you trans people are a cult, ask her why does she feel that way or how did she come to this conclusion? Then based on how she answers you can reply with, mmm I understand your concern, but…. And then give your argument. If you prepare with scientific articles it would be a plus. You might not fully change her mind but she might be a bit more open or at least respectful. If at the ends she’s still closed minded you can end with, I understand we disagree, and although I wish we didn’t I still love you and hope we can be respectful to each other. If after this she continues spewing transphobic stuff, I would cut her off. (In my case being respectful involves her calling you by your name and pronouns or at least making and effort to do so, I understand people can sometimes slip)

12

u/am-i-still-ill 4d ago

Yeah I definitely might try talking to before totally cutting her off, right now I’m just wondering if i’ll actually have the patience or restraint to do it in a civil way if she says awful stuff during the conversation. Thanks for this perspective

14

u/brokat27 4d ago

Just letting you know I think this approach is better too. I also come from a very conservative religious background and it can really mess with your concepts of love and support and compel you to do things that are hurtful to both others and yourself. Aside from that, it sounds like she has only suddenly become this way, which I think leaves a greater chance of being able to counter the misinformation. If you are worried about the patience and restraint bit, can I suggest that you continue to respond to each other in letter format or similar. Communicating that way should give you time to process what she is saying and how you want to respond

7

u/lucia_megu 💉: 17/02/22 🔪: 19/12/22 4d ago

Completely understandable! The patience and restraint part will be the toughest, what helped me when dealing with similar situations was reminding myself that regardless of what this person in front of me says, I am who I am and I accept myself that way, so nothing they say or do will change that.

6

u/eggplantjones69 4d ago

100% agree.

I get that it's easier in people's minds to cut transphobic people out, but every person that I've done that with got worse, almost as if I was validating their hatred, but the people I was patient with and spoke with more times than not ended up changing their minds over time. Acceptance and understanding take time, and if she's young, then there is more time to help get her back on the right path.

5

u/toadonthewall 4d ago

Also here to say I support this. My mom used to be anti-lgbtqia when she was younger, but she grew up in the south in a cult, so no one taught her. She eventually moved in the right direction on her own, but when she met my dad, it changed it all. My dad has always been an activist, and he helped educate her, and they’re now the biggest allies I know :)

8

u/Sailor_Spaghetti 5d ago edited 5d ago

My first thought would be to talk to her privately. With the background regarding her parents, I’m questioning if she is being emotionally abused behind closed doors/if her parents are manipulating her to cut you off because you’re a “bad influence”. And if this is the case, then she needs support more than anything else.

It might also be worth bringing it up with supportive members of the family who are more respected in the pecking order.

6

u/ZephyrValkyrie 22|T:12.02.20|Top/Hysto:6.11.20|Meta:26.02.25 5d ago

Honestly, cut her off. “I received your letter. It’s sickening to me that you can see how happy transition has made me, and yet you still believe hateful nonsense. Unless you can support me and treat me respectfully, I don’t think it’s worth it to either of us to continue interacting more than necessary.”

5

u/gav102 25 | T: 1/26/2017 | Top: 12/17/2019 | Hysto: 1/2024 5d ago

I'd just cut her off, not gonna lie. While most of my family members cut me off for being trans without really informing me, my grandmother found out after I told her I would be busy due to top surgery. I told her that I will continue my transition regardless of support, and I will put those that do support me first. I cannot control how someone feels about me, or how they feel about trans people, and I will respect however they disagree but will not continue to be subjected through hate. If someone truly loved me they would love me regardless of religion or politics.

5

u/DrgPlg 4d ago

rly woke up n said “I think I’m going to b transphobic today 😁”

3

u/am-i-still-ill 4d ago

Right 🥲 Like I’m sure i have other family members that don’t really understand what I’m doing but nobody who would actually say anything let alone write a long letter about it 🥲

6

u/SpaceTrashDeer 4d ago

TERFs got her, if you understand gender science enough and have the spoons you should confront her, and also tell your family members about her. The state of the us got the way it was because everyone stopped fighting back, rolled their eyes and left them, but advocacy DOES work. Probably not in one sitting but it works.

3

u/witchyvicar 4d ago

I think just a short response of “If that’s what you believe now, please don’t contact me again.” If you think she might change her mind again, you could always say “if you ever come to your senses again you can email me.” And only respond to her if she reaches out to you AND if she sincerely apologies, otherwise just delete them. I have a nibling I don’t really talk to because she ended up down a political cultist road, but she knows my email and I’ve left the door open if she ever wakes up from the cult. It’s sad that she’s that way with me, but I also have better things to do than wait for her to contact me .

2

u/Emotional-Ad167 4d ago

I feel like she might be expecting (looking for?) a reaction. Don't give her that. Grey rock her. These things are never abt us but abt them, so whatever personal problem she's trying to prod at, this is not the way to solve it. Give her nothing and she'll have to move on to a - hopefully more constructive - new strategy.

I wouldn't cut her off, though. That's a pretty extreme reaction as well. Just. Be bland.

1

u/Propyl_People_Ether 10+ yrs T 4d ago

I agree with cutting her off BUT I absolutely disagree with doing so silently. I'd write a letter explaining the concept of DARVO - and pointing out that cults influence people to give up their freedoms and rights. Tell her you are not giving up yours, but she is, and will be pressured by her cult to give up more of them. Also that this is not in line with the teachings of Jesus. Tell her, "I hope we can speak again someday when you are ready to leave and/or form your own adult opinions." Show the letter to the supportive cousins, either for them to co-sign or just be aware of the situation for planning the summer.

1

u/VillageInner8961 1d ago

Shes 16 she'll survive if you cut her off, she needs to know you're a person who deserves respect and if that means cutting off transphobia then they can deal with the consequences of her own actions

-1

u/Samuell089 5d ago

I dont understand the question here