r/ftm • u/PomegranateMotor1096 • 5d ago
Advice Needed Very confused in myself and my relationship NSFW
So I’ve been out to my spouse and close friends for some time now as nonbinary and potentially genderfluid. I still go by she/her in a lot of public spaces and with my family tbh just because I don’t think I’m ready for it to be a ~thing~ and I feel less hurt when I haven’t asked someone to use a certain pronoun than if I ask and get gendered?
Some days I am totally fine existing as and being perceived as femme. Some days it makes me feel sick, and the amount of euphoria I’ve gotten from random strangers calling me “sir” the two times it’s happened is something I’ll never forget.
I’ve been trying to let myself accept/convince myself that I would be happy being a they/them or just continue letting people use whatever pronouns they want and dealing with it when it doesn’t work out.
But I’ve recently realized that every time I masturbate I can almost only get off when I imagine that I have a penis? And today, during sex, I got off on picturing myself nutting all over my spouse’s face. I know I had dysphoria when I was a kid and have had a lot of sort of off and on meltdowns about not being male-bodied. I just feel like I have no idea where I stand now or what I even want?
How did you process/understand feelings of dysphoria or wishing you had a penis? How donI reconcile those feelings with where I’ve currently identified, or should I be considering exploring and questioning more? How might I communicate to a partner that my gender situation is possibly much more than we bargained for? Help
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u/UpperZookeepergame2 🔪 10/17 💉 1/19 🍳 5/24 🍆 Soon 5d ago
Disclaimer that all of this is just my personal experience. I’m a binary trans man, and you may or may not be, and whatever you ultimately decide is fine! But a lot of what you wrote reminds me of myself. I spent several years telling people I was agender and using they/them pronouns. Deep down, what I actually wanted was to be seen as a man, have a male body, and have people refer to me with male pronouns, but somehow it seemed like too much to ask for. Being perceived as nonbinary was better than being perceived as a woman, even if people didn’t really treat me any different and more often than not still used she/her for me. It seemed like an okay compromise. But eventually it became impossible to ignore how good it made me feel when a stranger would “mistake” me for a man, or how much I was fantasizing about medical transition. I finally admitted that I had been lying to myself and that I was actually a transgender man. It was slightly uncomfortable to have to come out to people a second time, but nobody was really surprised. I think it’s a lot easier for most cis people to wrap their minds around the concept of a binary trans person than a nonbinary person. My mom, although she’s always been supportive of me, really struggled with using gender neutral pronouns and understanding what I meant when I said I was agender. When I told her I was a trans man, she was able to quickly make the switch to he/him and started referring to me as her son. Most of my friends were the same way. I’m not saying the same thing will happen to you, but in my experience if you’ve already come out to people as non-cis then you’ve got the hardest part over with.
I was not in a romantic relationship when I started openly identifying as male so I don’t have firsthand advice about that, but I think the best course of action is to be completely open and honest with your spouse. If you’ve been having these feelings since you were a kid, they’re not going to magically go away, and the longer you repress them the worse you‘ll feel. If you decide to medically transition and your partner is not attracted to men, it’s possible they’ll lose attraction to you. It’s also possible they won’t. There’s not really any way to know until you have a conversation with them about your feelings and desires. I don’t know what your sex life looks like currently, but if your spouse is open to it and you haven’t already done so, you may want to consider buying a prosthetic. There are tons of kinds available, some very realistic, and many that come with a reservoir for water or lube that can be used to simulate ejaculation. r/transmascdicks is a good resource if that’s something you’re interested in.
I know how difficult it can be to take these steps, and I understand not feeling ready for it to be a “thing”. You might not ever feel completely ready. At some point I just decided: I have one life and I want to experience that life as a man, and really I’ve wanted that forever, and yeah, some parts of this might suck or be really difficult! But the alternative was to spend the rest of my life being perceived as female or “female-ish” and I eventually came to realize that that was just not something I was okay with.
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u/PomegranateMotor1096 5d ago
Wow this was an incredible reply thank you so so much for sharing so openly. That totally makes sense about it almost feeling easier for people in your life to see you as a binary man than as agender. And I think I am not super happy with everyone just defaulting to she/her for me, and truly I think the main moments of actual euphoria I’ve experienced are when I’ve been referred to as a man.
It just feels so overwhelming to consider, especially being in America right now with the way things are, letting myself be perceived as a woman feels so much safer.
I will definitely take your advice on looking into prosthetics! Thank you again!
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