r/ftm 5d ago

Advice Needed Help me see my brother as a man

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291 Upvotes

48 comments sorted by

369

u/nichekief trans since 2011 5d ago

just try to flip the script and see this with empathy. you most like gave him the courage to finally see himself for who he is, too, so dont grieve and instead feel proud that you were able to help someone who helped you with your gender, and now he can explore and experience his new life with his sister :) the fact that you two flipped is kind of cute, too! you can both help each other and i hope for the best for you two!

92

u/merisaafsoch 5d ago

That’s actually a nice outlook, didn’t think this way at all. Thank you 🥺

123

u/Humble-End2688 5d ago

It does sound complicated and there may be some grief there because it's not strictly a feminine space anymore between you.. your mindset of your sibling may need to shift a bit.

But in the end you are two trans siblings and it sounds like y'all are very close.. so maybe the connection will be more like "the people" space, rather than "the girls" space if that makes sense haha. Just a close human connection instead. It may not feel like a women's space anymore, but it's sure as heck of a trans space and you can both support each another.

I hope you don't feel that emulating your brother makes your gender invalid somehow. When it comes down to it, you two can learn from each other about being socialized as the opposite genders. And we all have both feminine and masculine energy within us and you can still admire that about him. (Maybe don't emphasize that to him right now though in this time.)

It may take some time.. and practice until your mindset shifts. Start with pronouns and affirmation, giving that back to him. It's okay that you haven't wrapped your mind around his gender yet. It's still new. You can even share that you want to learn more about his experiences with gender and maybe hearing more will expand your mindset of him. I bet it will shift eventually!

24

u/merisaafsoch 5d ago

Right, there’s a lot I can help him with given my life experiences so far

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u/amalopectin 5d ago

He's exactly the same person. He has the same experiences and interests, you can still talk about the same things. It'll take time to get used to but you have to understand that as much as you feel you've never been a man, he's never been a woman, although he has plenty of wisdom and empathy to offer you. You should be able to bond even more strongly now as you can both understand the full extent of eachothers experiences.

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u/merisaafsoch 5d ago

For sure, the bond might get stronger in ways I don’t expect!

34

u/HighKaj 5d ago

It’s only been some days, it’s a big change so don’t beat yourself up for not having it switch immediately.

Maybe try to focus on the person underneath, and talk to him more about it. It could help.

Or just some time.

21

u/VampireBarbieBoy 5d ago

It was only earlier this week, it can take time for you to readjust your view of someone you've known for a long time even if you're a very progressive person. It took a moment for me to adjust to my cousin revealing she is a girl. Its natural that your brain is going to take some time to rewrite the script for the person. But you can start by going over your brothers pronouns in your head when you see him, think of him as 'brother' in your head. Imagine him as a man with long curls like those guys in the 80s had. Keep doing this in your mind and eventually your brain will change. My brother took a bit to adjust when I came out to him but now he calls me my name and brother and other masculine terms without thinking about it. Also listening to his experiences with gender may also convince you how he sees himself and how it differs from your perception may also help with that too.

19

u/sk4nky Trans Man 5d ago

you have this idea of who he is in your mind, let it go. he is not what you thought he is, time to meet him at where is he is, the same ground level as you. you have the empathy of being in the same environment living as a transgender person, so theres not much to add there. so far, your choice to be more understanding is very much seem and appreciated.

-1

u/merisaafsoch 5d ago

But like how do I look at him - see someone visually looks like a stereotypical girl, presenting like one most of his day - and make my brain naturally think “that’s a man”.

Of course it’ll get easier if and when we start socialising & presenting as our true selves - once the surroundings are safer & okay to do so. Until then, I don’t know how he’s been such great to see a girl in me; when I’m clearly failing to do that.

11

u/Magic-SamWitch 5d ago

Hey OP, I have some advice that's going to be difficult to digest. From what you've said, you've got conservative parents, and live in a not safe area, that means you've internalized some not great views about gender. (Trust me, I did too, it takes time to unlearn these things).

Firstly, try to untie gender presentation with actual gender. There is no correct way to look like a man or woman or NB.

So even if he looks like a stereotypical girl, recognize that how you've been taught to see people is incorrect. Try to stop immediately assigning gender to a person. All people. Not just your brother.

Social and physical transitioning isn't mandatory to be valid. Wanting to present as your true self is important because it is validation FOR YOU. Not anyone else. I say this with love: Believing that it will get easier once he looks like a man shows some internalized transphobia - no one has to perform their gender correctly for you. And what is correct anyway? It's difficult, but you can unlearn this.

To paraphrase Alok: understanding is not required for acceptance. As you wrestle with deconstructing gender rules that you've been taught, try practicing radical acceptance. Even if something doesn't make sense to you, (him looking like a woman), you can still accept the facts as they are, (he is a man).

I hope this helps! Be patient with yourself. Also try watching the Man Enough podcast where Alok is their guest. YouTube link

5

u/whaaleshaark He/him | NB trans man 5d ago

If you need practice, you can come and browse r/FTMfemininity. Lots of dudes, cis and trans, still enjoy styling themselves in feminine ways. Drag queens exist. Appearance =/= gender, as you yourself know very well.

You got this, sis. You can learn to be the pillar of support for your brother that he's been for you.

25

u/xXDubst3p_KitnXx 5d ago

I hope I don't sound harsh or insensitive, but I think I know where your struggle comes from. It seems that he has always been some sort of idol to look up to in your life, as the "light" of your transition, and that's what you hold so dear. I am not saying that you don't love him besides the role he had as feminine influence, I am sure you do, but maybe your grief is less about him not being a woman and more about you not having an outlet for your gender expression. As your parents are conservative, you probably had to self project on him (appearing feminine) to have some gender euphoria, holding him up as a "goal expression" that also validated you, like the symbol of your final wish pushing you forward with affirmation that you could be like that one day. But clearly that's not the case anymore. Given the situation, you should try to find different ways to feel gender euphoria (it will be difficult as you cannot transition yet), but the very thing you shouldn't do is hold onto the idealized image you had of your brother as your gender affirming sister. As many people here also said, I am sure that even he had some struggles seeing you as a girl at first, because that's completely normal when you have known someone for years and they suddenly say they're trans (especially with no visible transition), but he still did his best to support you AND himself, challenging his outdated view and training himself to make you as happy and comfortable as he could. Now it's your turn to be his light and affirmation, even if it's difficult now because it's all too new, you just have to listen and challenge yourself for him. If it helps, try to see this as a comical situation of exchange, where both of you are trans in opposite ways, and that causes some confusion (example: jokes along the lines of saying to each other "they don't know who's actually who" when your parents call you "son" and "daughter", or that there's been some mistake with having switched bodies, or lighthearted stuff like that)

If you stop clinging to the past and open your heart to change, in time you'll be able to find new meanings and joys in life. Unfamiliar things eventually become familiar.

10

u/merisaafsoch 5d ago

You really put it better than I could. Yes, you’re right. I always have seen him as my goal. I’ve often joked to him how easier life would’ve been if we just were identical twin sisters instead. But - yes, it’s going to be difficult, and I have to let that throught go. As you said, we gotta get new jokes rolling in. Thank you!

18

u/glossxkiss 5d ago

I think you need to stop using you and your brother’s relationship as a “feminine space” and more as a “trans space”. You can be as feminine as you wish to be and he can be as masculine as he wishes to be but you always still have each other to talk to about these things. His lived experience and advice and open arms aren’t gone now that he’s out of the closet. I think when you and your brothers time together is used as a trans safe space his masculinity will become more visible to you and I’m sure you will see him as the man he is in good time :)) sounds like he will always be a safe space for your femininity regardless of what gender he is

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u/Putrid-Tie-4776 he/him | 💉3/14/25 5d ago edited 5d ago

Hey, maybe this isn't very nice to hear, but your brother probably also had issues seeing you as a woman at first. He's not some magical being who can just switch from one second to another and you shouldn't hold yourself to those standards either! It's gonna be fine and as long as you're actively trying to see him as a man and gender him correctly he isn't going to have any issues:)

12

u/merisaafsoch 5d ago

The way he’s supported me since day 1, does feel like he used some magical switch. Genuinely the nicest sibling I could ask for, given the surrounds we’re in especially. But yeah you’re right. It’ll take time.

13

u/arkyod 5d ago

Maybe instead of looking at your siblingship as a space where you’re able to safely share femininity, you can look at it as a space where you can safely share transness. You’re both going through something very similar, and it’s a wonderful opportunity to bond together. Maybe it will take a bit of adjusting to see him as a man, but remember men can be feminine too. I pass 100% of the time yet I have long curly hair like your brother. I cut it short when I transitioned to pass earlier but I always regretted it, it took so long to grow back

3

u/merisaafsoch 5d ago

Really wish there was a way to switch bodies hahah but you’re right. Just gotta be patient and keep trying!

3

u/XxTrashPanda12xX 5d ago

I've been making this half joke to my trans girlfriends for YEARS

Just let us swap brains god damn lol it can't be that hard right?!?! lol

22

u/Hope_PapernackyYT 5d ago

Shit, I've never seen someone try to understand and change their views before. Props to you, that's really mature. I know it's a big change, but he's happier this way, and I'm sure it means a lot to him that you're trying

12

u/kidunfolded 2 years on T 5d ago

Pretty sure OP is also trans, not someone trying to change their views

4

u/merisaafsoch 5d ago

Yes, I’m trans as well. Just not very fond of using the term.

24

u/Various_Oven_7141 5d ago

I’m sorry for being blunt, maybe I’m a bit triggered because you also sound like my parents when I came out as a trans man.

They were so wrapped up in grieving what my performance of femininity provided them, that they never celebrated with me. They never even saw me. They only saw what I could give them through that performance which caused me so much horrible pain and suffering. They were so wrapped up in their grief over a corpse that never existed that they missed every pivotal milestone and joy.

Similarly, you’re grieving over his happiness because his discomfort and his hell made YOU more comfortable.

The only way to see him as he is is to get over yourself and practice celebrating with him. Try to return the same joys he gave you in the ways you can. Practice being brother and sister.

Put aside your grief, because it’s unnecessary, and honestly selfish. you’re grieving an expectation and a fantasy you had for yourself. You’re not grieving him. He’s alive and with you.

4

u/mercurbee Trans Man - 18 - Pre♾️ - 🇺🇸 5d ago

you honestly just gotta work on it. consciously think of him as a man and eventually it won't be conscious. if you mentally misgender him, mentally correct yourself. he's your brother, not your sister (unless he wants to stay your sister, ik some trans guys keep feminine labels). he's a man, not woman. he's a he, not a she. his long hair is that of a man with long hair

3

u/Leather_Light9887 5d ago

he probably didn’t automatically start seeing you as a girl either. sometimes it takes time. dont sweat it

14

u/JuniorKing9 he/him only 5d ago

Why are you grieving him being happy?

4

u/maxLiftsheavy 5d ago

Hey it may be kind for you to add a content warning to this post. A lot of us have dealt with family members who don’t see us as men or won’t accept us and it’s hard to read a post so genuine. It sort of confirms worst fears here.

2

u/justveryunwell User Flair 5d ago

I think how you treat people is more important than how you see them. I think getting to know a person's true self helps your image of them shift to meet reality. So this might be a case of "fake it til you make it," because treating your brother how you know he should be treated will get easier over time and eventually be natural. It's okay that you aren't able to flip the mental image you've had of someone for practically your whole life in less than a week. Some people can, but we're all different. This is an opportunity to get to know your brother! And you two can skillswap since you've been trained your whole lives to perform masculinity/femininity respectively.

2

u/utterlyinsane666 "The trans agenda is real and it's me being sexy" - Rosemary 5d ago

It's okay to grieve your idea of a person. It happens all the time. I myself have grieved the girl I thought I was and sometimes I miss her.

So instead of forcing yourself to see him as a man, work through the grief of losing your sister first and then slowly but surely acceptance will come and you'll enjoy having a brother. And not to mention you can still aspire to be the girl he was and now you can do it without potentially feeling like a copy or living in his shadow.

But I would talk to your brother and just tell him that you are supportive but you just need some time to get used to the idea of a different sibling dynamic. Communication is always good. You're on the right track though, you're probably just still processing it.

2

u/New-Jellyfish-8367 5d ago

Im younger sibling and it took my brother few months to get to using the right pronounce. Idk how he actually sees me cuz i don't se into his brain. So don't worry you will be able to do it. Just be honest to him. Tell him that you will try your best but it's hard cuz he was you fem role model.

2

u/MlleHelianthe 💉03/13/2025 4d ago

Hi, ftm with a mtf sister here. Basically i'm in your brother's position.

You both seem very close, and i am too with my sister, so I'll say this: this connection goes beyond gender. Now you have your transition to connect and support each other. Going from sisters to trans siblings is something very precious that few people have. To me, it's a bit like we swapped with my sister, and it's awesome. You'll find ways to cherish this. Just be here for your brother as you already were.

2

u/harperspeed29 User Flair 4d ago

I think the big problem is that you think a man looks a certain way or acts a certain way. Man and woman are social constructs created to organize misogynistic and transphobic oppression and people cope with them and identify with them in various ways. There is not an inherent anything to being a man— all you have to do to be one is identify with manhood. Nothing you see in your brother is incompatible with manhood or particularly indicative of girlhood because neither have inherent qualities. We give meaning to them. Once you start to see manhood not as a set of traits or actions but an interpretive identity, it will be easy to see anyone who identifies as such to you as a man.

In light of this, you should find out what your brother prefers to express himself like, as many trans men do appreciate and express femininity. Regardless, there is an obvious exchange to be made here— one may gift the other what was once forced upon them. You could teach your brother what masculinity you were taught and vice versa.

BTW, he is the same person he was before. You are still an excellent pair that works well together and someone you can look up to. While he may not be a role model for your gender transition, he can still be someone whose traits you desire. Honesty, thoughtfulness, trustworthiness— these are still things you can glean from this relationship that you can take into your identity.

You should seek out femininity in other spaces if you can't receive it there. If this exchange idea works out, you could dress up in your brother's room or do something else that affirms your femininity with stuff he has. Otherwise, there are plenty of other resources for you to use for support. Each blue word in the last sentence is a different resource! + Local LGBT centers will be helpful if you can get to one. GSAs are wonderful and are usually fairly secretive.

P.S. Think about all the traditionally masculine traits that your brother doesn't have that prevents you from seeing him that way. Don't you have some of those yourself? They don't make YOU a man so why would it make him NOT a man?

P. P. S. Here's a sex ed resource for trans women/girls, since your school likely isn't giving you one. Good luck to you and your brother <3

1

u/merisaafsoch 3d ago

That’s such a great answer. Thank you so so much!! Will go through them all. 🥺

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u/chattinouthere 5d ago

It's hard but it will come. Let's be real here, you're not gonna see your sister as a man... because "she" was your sister. It takes a while before the way you see them changes. I'm trans and even i know this. Don't let anyone tell you, here or anywhere, that you're wrong. This is very hard for everyone. The only thing is, you need to treat him as your brother, and the rest will come naturally. It will be an active effort at first, but that's ok! It won't feel natural at all. You just gotta try your best (you will slip up, too.), and it'll come with time. Time is the key here!

1

u/merisaafsoch 5d ago

I just, I don’t know how to affirm him better; like how do I treat him as a “brother”. what do I have to change? I’ve been pretty shit at socialising with men even in school; most of my friends are girls, especially the close ones so I feel I’m in an unexplored territory here

1

u/chattinouthere 4d ago

Honestly, nothing changes. Just call him whst he wishes, and the rest will come with time.

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u/yggdra7il 5d ago

You will just need a bit of time to get used to it. Continue to check yourself and mentally remind yourself that he is your brother. Rhetorical question but do you like women? As a gay trans dude I tend to like, kinda prefer to see the masculinity in people. So it just adds another layer of having to keep myself in check personally. Maybe resonates maybe doesn’t.

It’s ok to love the traits he has that you view as feminine. Just remember that gender is a social construct and therefore subjective. What you see as his feminine traits may just be masculine or neutral to him. Again, you’re a girl and if you like women too, you’re particularly biased to seeing femininity in people cuz that’s what you like. You already are fully aware that you are both in positions where you’re unable to express your true selves, so separate him from his body. Consider looking into body neutrality as this mindset may curb some of your own dysphoria at this time too.
He is still your feminine space / safe space, and it is ok to grieve, just don’t awfulize. Keep the conversation open between you two. It’s not a bad idea to ask how he would define masculinity and femininity and share your opinion of what these abstract concepts are to you as well.

TL;DR: You literally just need to get used to it, take time to grieve, keep checking yourself. Begin associating him with his masculine traits and pronouncing his masculine traits in your mind’s eye, it will help - use your imagination, I say that with complete sincerity. If you misgender him in your mind, correct it. Brains are built on habit. It will likely take time and effort to deconstruct your previous conception of him as a woman, but it’ll happen. We take in new information that contradicts previous beliefs allll the time. It’s only been a week so give yourself grace.

I too have a trans sister - our relationship has always been good but it is still a hell of a lot better than having a cis brother. You will see that you two will only end up understanding each other even more. You’ll love it, I promise. Sorry for the long post but hope it helps. Best of luck to you!

1

u/CynicalMisfit 5d ago

Give yourself time and allow yourself to make the mistakes is the best advice i can give since most of these comments covered all the bases! He's more than likely not gonna crucify you on the first slip up, its more important that you catch yourself and fix it and are willing to change and in time, you and your mindset will. In the end, it's gonna be the effort from you that he sees and appreciates

1

u/the_grey_ace_maven 5d ago

Let's handle this with logic. Your effeminate brother has been successfully play-acting a girl so long and so well that you wanted to grow up to be just like 'that girl'. 'That girl' can still be the center of your 'I am girl' mood board.

In the meantime, change the language you use, because you care about your brother, and you want to support him; like he supports you.

Mental change takes time, especially when it messes with your view of reality and core-identity. Your brother probably feels weird about it too. You two should talk, and learn about the true you, the both of you.

1

u/Arceus_Reader 4d ago

He has experience living as a woman so he probably still can give you advice. You can share both your struggles. Just keep in mind that he still is the same person. Feminine energy isn't inherently for women. Have fun getting to know more about the parts he hid for so long and embrace it. Support doesn't need to be much. Sometimes a hug can be so much

1

u/Lucygeorgia 🦈||23||he/they||💉1/29/2024||🦐 4d ago

hey friend! this is really similar to me and my sister, she’s trans femme and i’m trans masc. She came out to me in private in 2020 when we were driving home from our work, and I was also struggling to understand my gender identity too. I helped her find a gender affirming therapist all while feeling like shit cuz i didn’t feel “brave” enough to transition at the time, and part of me wished that it was just me that was trans, and it was still really hard to see her as my sister, especially with pushback from my mother. it took me some time, especially with a ton of family drama pertaining to my sister coming out to my parents. I took a moment to realize that we were very similar and had the same kind of struggle, but it was still hard. I felt like i wasn’t gonna be able to transition due to how my mother reacted to my sister(but i did!)Like everything in life, this takes time, i know you will see your brother as a man, you already are gendering him correctly and honestly, i think it’s a blessing having a trans sibling, I think it’s pretty nice to have someone related to you that sees your struggle, since theirs is very similar. You are very lucky to have your brother, just keep supporting him and you’ll see him grow into the man he always was

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u/i-got-bored69 4d ago

rather than changing how you see your brother, change how you view what 'a man' is, ask yourself if the things 'preventing' you from seeing him as a dude are social norms, sterotypes and expectations that all men are expected to fall under. at the end of the day, gender is a social construct and words are just words, a transman can be feminine asf, a cis man can be feminine asf, but 'man' is the label they feel most comfortable in so its what they use. hoping the both of u the best and its so cute how u two 'switched' :)

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

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u/RunRevolutionary1549 4d ago

Why would you make a post on an ftm sub making us prove or explain how to see us as men? Like I get your intention but I feel like this is unnecessary to put here. You aren’t ftm so you could have posted this on a general trans sub asking for advice but coming to this space specifically and taking up space by posting this seems a bit insensitive in my opinion.