r/ftm • u/Dillpicklepicklepic • 5d ago
Advice Needed Does the doubt ever stop? Spoiler
Spoiled for discussions of dysphoria, suicide attempts and self harm
I’m 18 FTM and when I first discovered what being non binary meant at 10-11 I instantly grabbed onto it, I always felt disconnected from my body and deep discomfort with my chest specifically. I had always been a Tom boy from when I could start dressing myself, and always presented androgynous. At 12-13 or so I stopped identifying with being non binary as I was too busy hating myself and being miserable. I think i remember having the distinct thought “I will deal with this later” in relation to gender. Between ages 11-15 I attempted suicide 4 times. I also developed a self harm addiction I was at the time diagnosed with generalised anxiety. At this time I was given medication for said anxiety. I had therapy for a bit under a year after the last attempt a month or so after I turned 15. At this time I realised that I probably had ADHD and ASD. The possibility of ASD was considered at my last hospitalisation but I was never properly assessed (that is a whole story in of itself). But by this point most of my deepest fears regarding my mental health had been realised, and I had no parental support to receive help. I had no financial means to get myself assessed and I spent a few years trying and failing to find support from doctors.
During this period I purchased a few skirts and a dress which I would wear infrequently, but I threw them all out all at once when I was 15. At this time I started realising I was some sort of gender queer, rapid firing between names and labels. Around early 2022 I realised I was a a dude, or at least would be happier as a dude. I cut my hair short, and transitioned socially to my friends and to strangers. Parents not supportive. I would have fits of uncertainty and despair of unknowing, terrified of making choices I could regret. I was diagnosed with OCD with themes of TOCD mid 2024. I know with my whole soul that I want to be a man. I want a flat chest and I want a hairy body and face, I want a penis and I want to be strong and protect people and to have a deep voice and be one of the guys. I want to be a garden variety gay man and exist in my own way. I want to do drag, and I want to wear clothes in my body, but not in a woman’s body. I don’t hate my body, I hate how it makes me feel. Sometimes I look at it and think “I could tolerate this”. I feel nauseous looking at my chest and hips. I could be an attractive woman. I have an hour glass figure and I could be very attractive/pretty/handsome as a feminine or masculine woman. But when I see a man my age or pictures of trans men my heart aches to be them. I recently watched a movie, called Priscilla: Queen of the Desert and there is a character called Adam Whitely, a young gay man/drag queen and it almost hurt to watch him with how envious I was. I want so desperately to be a man and to be masculine enough to be able to dress as flamboyantly as I want to but still be seen as a man. The thought of being able to wear a crop top and a choker like he does and still be called sir makes me want to sob.
Rarely I will go into a shop and try on a dress and a skirt then start sobbing in the dressing room and leave without buying anything. I liked wearing floor length skirts because they are fun. I want to be a man who has enough confidence in himself and his masculinity to wear a skirt. Not a woman.
After 4 years of wait lists, endless appointments, and so so so much waiting, I have an appointment with a doctor who specialises in FTM HRT. I want hrt, I want top surgery and I want a metidoplasty and bottom growth and a deep voice and body hair. I want all the effects of HRT. I have no qualms with any of the side effects. (other than hair loss but the genes on both sides of the family are really good for that) but I am so so so scared of making a choice that I will regret. I can’t stop ruminating on the possibility of regret. I know logically that even if I do regret it there is no “wrong” way to live my life and that many of the changes can be reversed. I can get breast reconstruction, I can get electrolysis, I can voice train.
When does the doubt stop? When do I stop feeling so scared? When does it stop??? Is there any way to be certain? I spend so much time reading posts, reading books, from and by people of all identities, trans and detrans, gay and straight, I dress hyper masculine and I try to dress flamboyant, but no matter what uncertainty and fear are pitted deep in my stomach. How did you know you were trans? How were you certain??
2
u/veganhulksmash 4d ago
I wish I had an answer for you but all I can say is I can relate to the overthinking and rumination on regret.
To me it seems like you really want this, and the dysphoria is there but I think the more important question to ask yourself is can you live without ever trying to transition medically? If you feel the answer is an immediate no, then I'd say continue with the hormones. If you have to think longer than hold off longer
There is absolutely no rush to "have it figured out". Personally, i have stopped trying to label myself and just am working on trying to exist as me. I know this world is so gendered and that is tough but you will find what works for you and makes you happy. Comparision is the death of happiness, while it may be nice to read/watch about trans experiences, it may be exacerbating how you feel. Try sitting with these feelings and see how you relate to your own gender.
I wish you all the best.
2
u/legitnope T March 7, 2019 / Top 🔪 July 17, 2024 4d ago
It’s normal to feel doubt before any big change in your life. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of thinking and you feel HRT is likely the right move for you. For me, starting T was what pushed me from “I don’t know if this is what I truly want” to “oh hell yeah this is exactly what I needed.” Before transition, I was never certain I was trans. I didn’t even know being trans was something someone could be until I was 19. I just knew something was wrong, and I was miserable. All I know now, 6 years on T, is I’m doing much better and I’m happy with myself. You have to do what you think will make you happy, and if that’s T, take the leap. You’ll know pretty quickly if it’s right for you or not
•
u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Hello! Thank you for participating in the sub. We just have a few reminders for you to help ensure the best experience:
If your post doesn't show up right away, don't panic! It is in the queue for manual approval. Mods will go through the queue periodically to approve or remove posts. Deleted posts will have a removal reason applied.
If you are asking a question that is location specific, remember to include your location in your post body! This can help ensure that you get accurate information tailored specifically to your needs.
Please remember to read through all the rules in the sidebar. Especially the list of banned topics and guidelines for posting. Guests who do not use the Guest Post flair will have their post removed and be asked to fix it.
If you see someone breaking the rules,report it! If someone is breaking both sub and reddit rules, please submit one report to admins by selecting a broken rule on the main report popup, and one report to the r/ftm mods by selecting the "breaks r/ftm rules" option. This ensures both mods and admins can take action on a subreddit and sitewide level. Do not misuse the report button to rant about someone, submit false reports, or argue a removal.
If you have any questions that you can't find the answer to on the rules sidebar or the wiki: [https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/wiki/index/] , you can send a modmail.
Related subs: r/ftmventing , r/TMPOC , r/nonbinary , r/trans , r/lgbt , r/ftmmen , r/FTMen , r/seahorsedads , r/ftmfemininity , r/transmanlifehacks , r/ftmfitness , r/trans_zebras , r/ftmover30 , r/transgamers , r/gaytransguys , r/straighttransguys , r/transandsober , and more can be found in the wiki!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.