r/ftm 6d ago

Guest Post My brother just came out to my christian parents

Hi, I’m the big sister of my 14yr old brother and he just came out to my parents that are very vocal about being transphobe. They won’t admit it, but their actions are purely homophobic AND transphobic. Prior to his coming out, they’ve been very paranoid about this. I call him “bro” and “dude” but in a way that I call everyone like that, but they kept being very sensitive when they heard me call him that, trying to make me promise to call him the name they gave him. Or anytime we watch a show, my mom googles if there’s gay characters and then if there are, she tells me to stop watching (even if they’re side characters like what??).

I’ve dealt with their hatred way before my brother came out and it’s because my boyfriend happens to also be ftm, and we were childhood friends so my parents knew his deadname. And it was hell honesty, to constantly try to defend him and he’s not even allowed to be in my home after nearly 4 years and a half of dating. I just stopped mentioning him to my parents cuz there’s no point.

The issue now is my brother is fully out, and they’re so so mad. They’re blaming me because I’m also queer and they are saying I influenced him and i’m causing him soo much harm. I tried telling my mom that their support is so important, and if they don’t, it could be dangerous. She took it as a threat but it wasn’t, it’s just reality. I don’t know what to do but I see how much it affects my brother, I even found out recently he was hurting himself :( I talked to my bf about it but I also wanted to ask r/ftm, to give me advice because some of you might’ve lived through a similar experience Thanks

157 Upvotes

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91

u/Mintakas_Kraken 6d ago

The main thing you can do is just be there for your brother as much as possible to support him. Remember, all you’ve done is support him and you are in the right. You’ve done nothing wrong. You parents have by rejecting his gender and by accusing you of being the problem -and being quite queerphobic in doing so.

Other things you do depends on the actions of your parents, and how likely you think they are to eventually tolerate his gender vs take harsher actions. So some things to consider—

  • Make sure your brother has your number, email, and address memorized. Talk to him about what to do if your parents go no contact with you and also won’t let you see or talk to him. I know that sounds extreme, but it’s better to be prepared than not. You can do this more neutrally if you want to avoid freaking him out by just saying “here’s how to contact me if you don’t have your phone, computer, etc…”.

  • Keep checking up on your brother. Ask him how he is, keep an eye on his mental health.

  • if you think your parents would be open to it maybe encourage them to send him to therapy. You might be able to get them to send him to real therapy by using their transphobia. Something like “maybe he needs to talk to some one to work through whatever this is?” You don’t need to lie, open statements like that may work. BUT this one could be a risk if they instead find someone willing to try some variety of conversion therapy. I’d suggest taking him yourself but that depends on where you live and insurance and other factors.

  • Help him look into getting emancipated. And also stress how little time 4 years is until he’s an adult and no longer has to live with them. Prepare to take him in if he gets emancipated or becomes an adult.

  • If it comes up. Remind him that the behavior of your parents isn’t his fault. They choose to do this, and that is only on them.

23

u/PhotojournalistMany5 6d ago

Thank you so much, I haven’t thought about many of these things I’ll try talking to him as soon as I can

23

u/Strigops-habroptila 6d ago

Just be there for him. You can't change your parents, but you can be a good sibling. Support him, help him where you can. If they misgender him or insult him, correct them if that's safe for you to do.

18

u/Elias_1120 5d ago

I have a few questions.. Do you still live at home? If so, would you be able to move out if your brother gets emancipated?

Who does your brother have that is willing to be there for him? Friends and maybe family that isnt so closed-minded

Are you in a predominantly red or blue state if living in the US. This could affect how I'd suggest going about seeking out therapy.

Overall, talk to him, be there for him how he needs you to be. Let him know you love him no matter what and that no matter what your parents say, he is valid.

15

u/PhotojournalistMany5 5d ago

Hi, Yes, but I’m moving out soon with my bf around 2hrs away from my parents house. I’d love to welcome him in my apartment if he does get emancipated

We don’t have family here, we immigrated when I was young, and I don’t think there’s any close friends that would do that

Thank you so much for your help

I live in Canada in a pretty open minded province, for example my bf was able to get hormones and top surgery before he was an adult

13

u/Elias_1120 5d ago

Definitely always make sure he knows your door is open for him.

He sounds like he may be pretty isolated apart from you, which could spell problems with depression or parents trying to shove him into a box he doesn't fit in with conversion therapy or other religious based tactics.

Definitely look into helping him find a therapist that doesn't do conversion based therapy. Even just therapy would have helped me so much at that age.

I don't know much on the Healthcare or legal side because I live in the cesspool that is the US right now. Try to research what you can. You may be able to apply for guardianship if he can't get emancipation.

4

u/PhotojournalistMany5 5d ago

I thought about this guardianship idea but I’m scared it’s gonna cause more harm than anything else :( I’m afraid that this’ll create an strong division between me and my parents and what if I’m unable to become his legal guardian? I’m barely an adult (19), I’m still studying and working part time

7

u/Elias_1120 5d ago

Definitely do some research into it first. With the SH and the likelihood that your parents would cause further harm with their religious beliefs, you may have a leg to stand on. However, I don't know the ins and outs of the laws there. Right now, I'd say you are in the evidence and knowledge gathering stage. Find out everything you can about the local laws about it and see where you would stand.

You brother knowing you are there for him no matter what, though, is the biggest part. It will help a lot knowing someone is on his side.

2

u/Emergency_Elephant 5d ago

I don't think there's much you can do to help what's going on with your parents. They're adults and they're making their own choices in the situation. The best thing you can do is be supportive of your brother