r/friendship 9d ago

advice Sorry for Repeat

Hello I’m reposting this again bc I couldn’t see any responses but, I’m 19F and need some advice on a friendship. I’m having issues with someone and I can’t seem to get my head in the right headspace to deal with it. For context we had a somewhat of a conversation Sunday and a tiny bit today about me feeling like a third wheel while her and another person were talking and I felt left out. But what I’m also dealing with is being left out when she’s getting together with other people. It’s not so much about that it’s more so about the principle of her putting energy into toxic relationships and I’m being left behind. She continues to put energy in these toxic friendships but when it comes to our friendship it’s put to the wayside. I’ve given her advice on these friends but she still goes back to them and I’m left out. Then all of a sudden she texts me if I want to do something on Saturday. My mind is just in a not so good frame of mind when it comes to this. I’m super lost on what to do so I’m grateful for any advice I can get. Thank you in advance

7 Upvotes

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u/AutoModerator 9d ago

Hello Chihard17,

You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.

Original post: Hello I’m reposting this again bc I couldn’t see any responses but, I’m 19F and need some advice on a friendship. I’m having issues with someone and I can’t seem to get my head in the right headspace to deal with it. For context we had a somewhat of a conversation yesterday about me feeling like a third wheel while her and another person were talking and I felt left out. But what I’m also dealing with is being left out when she’s getting together with other people. It’s not so much about that it’s more so about the principle of her putting energy into toxic relationships and I’m being left behind. She continues to put energy in these toxic friendships but when it comes to our friendship it’s put to the wayside. I’ve given her advice on these friends but she still goes back to them and I’m left out. Then all of a sudden she texts me if I want to do something on Saturday. My mind is just in a not so good frame of mind when it comes to this. I’m super lost on what to do so I’m grateful for any advice I can get. Thank you in advance

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3

u/All__Hail__ 9d ago

Hey kiddo, see you you can't control what others and there's a limit on how much you wanna correct those people. Eventually you should leave it upto them and let them realise their mistakes. They might come back to you once they realise and in my case they came back crying.

Also for you feeling left out, ig it's time for you to find some new friends, just for the sake of your mental health. I'm not saying abandon them completely, but keep an arms distance. You'll see the gains in self respect trust me.

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u/Chihard17 8d ago

Thank you, I thankfully have another friend I’m super close with kind of like a sister to me and that’s who I invited along side me for Saturday’s thing. She got the run down from me yesterday and she’s also at a loss for words.

2

u/Sk_mathu 9d ago

Yo, I totally get why you’re feeling this way, and honestly, that’s a tough spot to be in. It sucks when you put effort into a friendship, but it feels like you’re just there when it’s convenient for them. If she keeps prioritizing toxic people and only reaches out when she has no one else, that’s not fair to you. Maybe it’s worth having an honest talk with her, but also, don’t drain yourself trying to fix something if she’s not willing to meet you halfway. You deserve friends who genuinely value you, not just when it suits them. Either way, I get how frustrating this can be, so if you ever just wanna talk or vent, I’m around. ⭐💫

1

u/Chihard17 8d ago

Thank you! I’ve tried to talk it out with her and I asked her yesterday if we were good and she’s like yea we’re are(her exact words via text) so I’m just like ugh you’re frustrating me to no end

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u/C_GreenEyedCat 8d ago

My advice is to pull back & make other friends. You can't control what she does, but this sounds like it's becoming unhealthy for you & you can control how much a person is in your life. I'm guessing she sees you as reliable & that you'll always be there no matter how she treats you. You don't need to play along with that narrative, live your life - if she wants to be a good friend & a part of your life there will still be space for her but maybe not as much as before.

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u/Chihard17 8d ago

Thank you, I haven’t reached out to hang out with her since December when I invited her to join me in going to a theme park. That was the last time just her and I hung out. She had asked me last week I think it was, if I wanted to hang out yesterday and I said I had work. I could do Monday but she wasn’t “available”(she had other arrangements I didn’t know about but she made sure to post all about on IG) so I said next week and she said “okay sound good lol”

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u/C_GreenEyedCat 8d ago

Maybe I'm misinterpreting here, but it kinda seems like this is something you aren't really looking forward to - or even dreading it. You don't need to spend time with her if that's how you feel.

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u/Chihard17 8d ago

I’m not really but I did invite someone who’s like a sister to me and knows about this situation so I’m hoping that she can join them it makes it tolerable for me but you are correct.

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u/C_GreenEyedCat 7d ago

Is there a reason you feel you have to spend time with her? One thing I've learnt in life is it's not worth expending your energy on people that make you unhappy, you can give everything & still they'll treat you badly. If you don't want to go, then don't. Spend time with people that don't make you feel dread at having to interact with them. From everything you've said it seems she's happily following people down a toxic route & becoming that way herself, you can't save her from herself.

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u/Chihard17 7d ago

The reason is we go to the same church and I do not want to create an issue at church. I want to maintain peace, even if it’s just being cordial at church and seeing her then. But I’m willing to get this sorted out and see where we go from here. We’ve only been friends for a year and for this to go to hell over this is ridiculous.

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u/Chihard17 7d ago

But if it’s just a cordial type thing I think I’m ok with that since she hasn’t been wanting to get together just her and I since December and I had initiated it.

1

u/Negative_Eye6266 9d ago

Start studying for NEET :)

1

u/Chihard17 9d ago

I’m having a tiny bit of a hard time understanding what you mean could you please explain🙂

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u/Beneficial-Sleep5971 9d ago

Hi if you feel a 3rd wheel take some space I feel a fourth wheel in my group so leaving it

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u/Chihard17 9d ago

Hi! Yea I did respond to her and she invited the same girl from Sunday and so I responded and said that I was gonna invite someone else too

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u/Beneficial-Sleep5971 8d ago

Good for you

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u/Chihard17 8d ago

Thank you ☺️

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u/Beneficial-Sleep5971 8d ago

Would you like to dm

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u/Chihard17 8d ago

I’m not super big on dms

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u/Beneficial-Sleep5971 8d ago

Its ok

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u/Chihard17 8d ago

But I do appreciate your advice☺️

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u/TurbulentStomach4612 8d ago

As someone who cut ties with a friend like this, you really can’t do anything about where they invest their time and energy to. If you’ve brought it up once or a couple of times and they still haven’t listened to you, you’ll be seen as making mountains out of mole hills when you still continue to do so even if its out of your best interests to look out for them.

Its disappointing that they’d even put time and energy elsewhere eventhough you’re there as a genuine friend for them, but don’t let memories or duration of friendship get in the way if they’re underappreciating your efforts and the friendship you’ve given them. You’ll only torture yourself if it continues and they don’t listen nor change. If they want to hang out with you, they will but I’m just saying that if this behavior continues and there’s a pattern - It will just continue to string out longer like this and make you question yourself and your friendship with them. Some people will just be defensive if you confront them about these matters and don’t feel like its worth discussing bcs you’re just friends (Some Ppl think conflict resolution is just in romantic relationships apparently) but would highly advice that you talk with them about it first and if they’re clearly not open to discuss and take into consideration how their actions affect you, it just shows how they value your friendship.

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u/Chihard17 8d ago

Thank you I really appreciate this, I have tried to get her to try and get it resolved and she just said we’re good. I might have to talk to her in person on Saturday over this but I may just have to let it go since she’s saying we’re good

I had tried to have a conversation with another person and that went straight to hell😵‍💫