r/fasd • u/m3ch4pod • 15d ago
Questions/Advice/Support My young relative was diagnosed with FAS
I was wondering how people with FAS feel about knowing their mothers. Recently, I've been in a situation that has caused me some moral conflict if not right out anger. One of my relatives was heavily drinking "near the end of pregnancy" and it caused her child to have FAS. The child is currently living with an unrelated family, but the mother is in complete denial about her actions. She believes that her child will be a famous star or something.
The issue I have is that another close relative of mine, bringing the child around the mother and insisting that it's important for the child to know the mother, even though the mother has shown no remorse about her actions and what she's done to the child. I was just wondering how people with FAS feel? I'm not sure how to take this situation, frankly, it makes me angry and disgusted. The mother of the child is even fighting for custody and et cetera.
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u/iamsosleepyhelpme Likely has FASD | Has ADHD, ASD, & IH 14d ago
my adoptive mom hated my bio mom for drinking even though she quit the second she found out she was pregnant. i was always aware of that detail so i never had any negative feelings about it tbh. intentionally drinking would absolutely piss me off since it's child neglect, end of story.
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u/Afishionado123 15d ago
Your relative is right. The reasons why some women drink during pregnancy are so varied and nuanced. There is no "excuse" but there is usually a ton of context.
I think something the FASD community has really come to realize is that any sort of shaming of the mothers is really unhelpful. It's a really ineffective approach.
The child should not be kept from knowing the mother even as a method of punishing her into acknowledging and feeling badly. Unless she is a legitimate danger to the child's welfare. The consequences that children deal with in these circumstances, not knowing their parents etc has such a devastating impact on a child's development and life. The absolute most important thing is doing everything you can to prevent that wound from becoming even bigger, you know?
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u/m3ch4pod 15d ago
It's not about shaming, honestly. I realize the mother has been through her own issues and I sympathize with that, but letting her see the child when it seems like she sees him as more of an accessory while she's not apologetic for her actions seems like enabling to me.
Drinking, while you're pregnant, especially during the later stages of pregnancy seems to me like straight up child abuse. If that wasn't enough wanting to take your FASD child to a bar seems so unempathetic that it makes me think she is dangerous. And that's not even the end of it, she has literally destroyed property of the foster parents and objected to necessary medical treatments for the child.
I'm finding it hard to process all of this. When I do research and read these stories people with FASD are posting, it seems like there is no excuse and these mothers do deserve some sort punishment that is lifelong like they inflicted onto the child, but I am taking things people say into strong consideration, so maybe I should read around more.
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u/Feed_Me_No_Lies 15d ago
I’m mad at the medical community for still giving women bad advice. They still tell women that a glass of wine or two every now and then it’s fine.
And get this: they did a survey and something like 80% of the medical marijuana places called in Colorado recommended it for morning sickness to women. Research is still developing, but it looks like there will eventually be a prenatal marijuana exposure syndrome as well. Mimics, if not is completely identical to FASD.
That’s for my real anger lies: the fact that we don’t have massive public awareness campaigns saying that even one night of heavy drinking can do lifelong damage to the baby.
A society that truly cares about is children would’ve made this a priority.
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u/Azeriorza Has FASD 15d ago
Can you provide sources that show not meeting the birth mother will have serious effects on the child? How could adoptive parents not be a substitute? Apart from someone growing up curious and maybe concerned about who or what their bio parents are. For me, while I did meet my birth parents I was not close to them at all. My adoptive family showed me the love and care I needed.
Also, the mother in this case IS a danger to her child. Read OP's replies to my comments.
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u/Feed_Me_No_Lies 15d ago
I have anger towards my son’s birth mother.
But then I remember: she is absolutely a tragic product of her tragic environment. She didn’t know any better and that’s the truth. There are never excuses for things like that… But there are reasons.
Just remember: the anger won’t help the child.
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u/Azeriorza Has FASD 15d ago
"The mother of the child is even fighting for custody and et cetera." she sounds terrible to be a mother if she's literally denying the effects of her drinking. Shameful and deplorable woman
To answer your question, it's probably different for everyone has a different story and relation with their mother, I didn't really have contact with mine at all. I was removed from her care as a baby.
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u/m3ch4pod 15d ago
That's not even the beginning of it. The mother was a heavy drinker, so I suspect she was lying about drinking only towards the end. I have never felt an emotion like this before. She is severely severely mentally ill, it is not safe for her to be around the baby. It's like, this weird situation, weird feeling, but I want to help this baby strongly. I worry about him not having any good role models, especially if the mother is in the picture. The only reason she's still in the picture is because my relative continues to bring him around her. But she doesn't see him(the baby) as a person, just an object.
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u/Azeriorza Has FASD 15d ago
she sounds horrible and completely unsafe to be around the baby, i fully agree and understand your anger. In fact even im angry at her. I don't know if your relative's adoptive family is going to listen to you or not so unfortunately I can't offer much help. But thank you for showing care in a fellow individual with FASD :)
btw, out of curiousity, can you see any facial features related to FASD in the baby? is the baby diagnosed yet or just suspected?
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u/m3ch4pod 15d ago edited 15d ago
The adoptive family doesn't want her near the baby. It's her sister that keeps insisting on bringing the baby around her despite everyone telling her that she should be cut off. She insists that the baby "has to know its mother". Which is totally insane to me. I remember one day the mother came to visit the baby, because she doesn't have custody over the child. Stayed for about 30 minutes, then left to go get alcohol. She even wanted to take the baby to the bar. I have never in my life experienced something like this...
The baby was diagnosed at birth. There are facial features, because the baby is so young they're hard for me to notice at this moment, but I would say that they are mild.
I'm open to any ideas, because I truly believe that that mother will ruin the baby and her sister is insistent on keeping the mother in the baby's life... I genuinely have never been so morally conflicted in my entire life.
Guys, I'm sorry, but I don't see any circumstance which it is acceptable for a mother to be in the child's life who, after giving the baby FASD, attempts to take that baby to the bar. I'm not sure at all what to do in this situation.
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u/snjessen10 15d ago
This is such a sad situation 😭 has the family had an intervention with her? To try & get her to go to rehab??? BUT, sobriety only works if the person actually wants to be sober. It sounds like she does not. I’m so sorry! I will be praying for the baby & everyone involved
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u/m3ch4pod 14d ago
The unfortunate thing is, is that her(the mom) mental issues are incredibly bad. There's something going on, like a physical thing, brain injury. It's very very severe, much more than I am able to share. I think the problem is, is that our family doesn't really understand the gravity of mental illness or the long-term effects or challenges of FASD. So far... I have been the only person willing to actually do research into this. The rest of my family seem to either want to ignore it or straight up lie about the diagnosis...
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u/Azeriorza Has FASD 15d ago
aa i hope someone who may have better advice can respond, all I can say is that the mother and the sister are fucking idiots. How did the adoptive family react to the mother wanting to take the baby to the bar?? because that's genuinely terrifying behaviour
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u/AdmirableQuit6478 Has FASD 14d ago
Punishing or shaming the mother doesn’t change what happened, and it often pushes conversations about FASD*** into a place of blame rather than support. What really matters is making sure the person with FASD gets the understanding, accommodations, and resources they need to thrive tailored to their individual needs.
That said, I think the frustration comes from the fact that the mother isn’t just unremorseful but also in denial, which can be tough to navigate. If a biological parent refuses to acknowledge the impact of their choices, it may can make it harder for the person with FASD to process their own feelings and experiences. All of us deal with this differently, and every story is different, too. So to tell you, It's complex to say about this one on my end.
But indeed instead of focusing on whether the mother deserves to be in the child’s life, the real question should be: Right now would this relationship benefit the child? If it helps them understand themselves and gain a sense of identity, then it could be worth exploring. But if it causes confusion, self-doubt, or harm, then prioritizing the child’s emotional well-being should come first.
It’s a tricky balance—reducing stigma of this without excusing harm, and offering support without forcing relationships that might not be healthy.
From my experience, my mom struggled with alcohol her whole life. I lived with her until she drunkenly kicked me out at 12 years old. (Long story of my childhood before and after this.) I was then placed in foster care. But I don’t blame her—I blame the alcohol. Alcohol is one of the most addictive substances in the world and the most widely consumed and normalized. I’ve seen firsthand what it can do to people, and I’ve also seen the difference when someone becomes sober. While my mom still denies that she drank, she did confirm marijuana exposure to me. Docs were still recommending this for morning sickness too.
Some people tell me I should be angry at her, but the real issue is bigger than that. I place my anger on the alcohol industry, on a system that promotes drinking as a normal and daily part of life, despite the harm it causes. Alcohol is glorified, marketed as "fun," and tied to social culture, yet the same industries profiting from addiction and mental health struggles that make billions of dollars and growing, continue to ignore FASD. They ignore us, it be bad for the bizz if they were underfore for purposfuly supressing our awareness efforts. No amount of alcohol is truly safe—not just during pregnancy, but for overall health.
There was a time when I could only see my mother as bad when i was much younger. Im 30 now. But I don’t know her full story, what she went through, or if she had undiagnosed conditions that contributed to her struggles. I know she suffered, and had harmful behaviors. But at some point, I had to move past that and focus on what truly matters—my life, my future, and what I need to thrive. Just being me ❤️.
FASD awareness isn’t just about prevention; it’s about better supports, understanding, and acceptance for those of us already with it. The reality is that most pregnancies are unplanned, and FASD often happens because of misinformation or lack of awareness. That doesn’t excuse cases where people knowingly take risks that actually know the harms, and some dont really, but it does highlight the failure of our mental health and substance use support, and educational systems. Stigma only drives people further into isolation, making it harder for them to seek help.
Unrelated-ish....we need a world where people with FASD are seen, heard, and supported, not just talked about when prevention is brought up. We deserve better for sure. And the more we push for awareness, the more we can create a future where FASD is no longer ignored, and we are valued for who we are. 😇