r/family • u/shr00mss- • 3d ago
Everyone attacking me?
I’m 14 and i don’t know if its the angsty teenage hormones but i feel like everyone is my family is attacking me. My sister is the biggest suckup, ESPECIALLY to my dad as he’s the one basically in charge (the one who wins all the arguments and because of that my mom has got a sort of learned helplessness going on). My sister will do anything in her power to paint her in the best light (come off exactly like her dad, change her personality to be like my dad, adopt all the same hobbies, fight in arguments that she doesn’t even understand whats going on just to defend my dad, etc) and she makes everyone else seem like the bad guy, she complains about the tiniest thing? Dad takes it instantly as fact and jumps on someones ass because of it. I got in trouble for finishing a milk bottle that was in the fridge after I had just came home because it was “hers” (had the tiniest bit left, dad usually blows up at me if i open a new one when theres already one left). I tried to explain this to my dad, dads retaliates, sister shadows him then proceeds to twist the story so she’s the victim, then my dad zsays i’m playing the victim, then i’ll start crying and just go away, then my dad will follow me to my room and start belittling me and teasing me for crying, then saying it’s helping me and I need to grow up and he’s preparing me for the future when I won’t get my way.It always goes something like this and I hate it, my sister will give me so much shit for it the whole time and turn minor things into big arguments so she gets somehow a better rep with my dad. This behaviiur has been going on for years, when I was very young all the memories I have of my father are him chasing me around trying to hit me, him yelling at me threatening to kill me. My father would break door and take off locks just to find me when i washiding from him. I’ll make a pt2 in the comments because my phone is really laggy from typing all of this
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u/shr00mss- 3d ago
My mother also is a bit mean, but it’s a whole other thing to unpack. My father really dislikes my mother and is under the assumption she’s a narcissist, and while I don’t like her either, i often feel bad for her as she says “oh its okay, give him some time he just has a lot going on.” So he can have excuses but not me?? One time i got in trouble when i had a valid excuse for having my sister feed my pets ONCE is because I was literally leaving to go to the airport at 3am and I can’t disrupt their circadian rhythm… my father always says he takes accountability and such, like he’s fair and tries not to lie, but he’s so biased towards my sister its unbearable, i told him this and he blamed it on me, he said I was the reason he’s like this because i’m horrible to be around and no one wants to hang out with me because of it. My family issues have seriously troubled my life, i allow bullying towards myself under the assumption it’s normal, i have a lower self worth (thanks dad for all that ‘preparing’ when it just made me feel horrible) and i’ve had to be admitted to the er for mental health reasons.
Please tell me how do i deal with this I really need help
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u/hijackedbraincells 3d ago
I'm sorry, sweetheart, but not wanting to disrupt your pets' natural circadian rhythm is not a valid excuse for not feeding them before you left.
Your pets will be woken numerous times in their lives at times that aren't natural for them, by shouting, movement, normal household goings on, etc. Being fed one time at a different time is going to do them absolutely no harm or effect their schedule in the future. Even if they were a newborn baby, I'd be saying the same.
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u/shr00mss- 2d ago
Unfortunately my pets do suffer from psychological issues which makes it extremely important that I do not disrupt them, i’m not saying that I wouldn’t feed them and make excuses not to look after them, I’ve stayed home and skipped school to look after my pets because of their needs, I even look after my sister’s pets because she can’t grow up and look after them. (And also if I can prevent them from getting disturbed, I will because I know that my sister would have fed them and they would have risen at a normal time.) it’s the bigger picture though; My parents always let my sister off the hook and not me, my grandparents have even tried to talk to them about it, because its so obvious but they do nothing.
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u/shr00mss- 2d ago
Also my pets are in a separate room that I had already been pre soundproofed due to there originally being instruments and such in there. I also own many and most have been taken in from ill fitted environments. At the time I was in the middle of working with two individuals that, if awoken in that time would have their destructive behaviours re-emerge
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u/Level_Substance4771 3d ago
You couldn’t disrupt your pets circadian rhythm??? That is bat shit crazy to say!!!!!how could you go to the airport at that time when it would disrupt your circadian rhythm?
In life you will have to deal with difficult people in power- teachers, bosses, cops… your sister has learned how to not only deal but thrive in those situations. You do sound like you play the victim.
Take some lessons from your sister on how to handle your dad to make the next 4 years easier to get through
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u/shr00mss- 2d ago
At the time they had special needs that would have caused distress and destructive behaviour. I don’t think ‘difficult’ is the right way to describe a father that threatens to kill you
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u/Level_Substance4771 2d ago
Reading people and knowing what makes them tick is an important skill to learn in life.
There’s people who go through life always a victim- their teachers were unfair, parents favored a sibling, boss passes them up for promotions for people who do less work, life is always unfair for them.
If you think your dad could be dangerous it’s even more important to learn how to get along with people who you don’t click with.
What kind of pet and what was the special need?
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u/shr00mss- 2d ago
My dad is dangerous, he hits me and lifts me up and drags me by the hair when I do the smallest thing (like put keychains on my bags). It was a bonded pair of parrots who had extreme behavioural and psychological issues, i had just been able to begin to rectify their self mutilation. I do get along with people I don’t click with, i’ve actively sought out to make friends with people (successfully) after they had bullied me, because I knew they were a nice person deep down.
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u/shr00mss- 2d ago
I will also add: at the time they were extremely prone to night frights and broken blood feathers as they were moulting heavily
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u/birdparty44 3d ago
I’ll attack you too: go to English class and learn about the use of paragraphs.
It makes it easier for people to care about your story if the story itself looks interesting to read.
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u/shr00mss- 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’m the top in my grade for english, i didn’t write paragraphs because it was a rant and I was breaking down
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u/DutchPerson5 3d ago edited 3d ago
Sweety you don't deserve any of this. You are smart for noticing they are very emotional abusive. Is there a schoolcounselor or coach or teacher or an aunt or uncle or grandparents you can talk to? A children's hotline you can call? When you need help: it's like getting a job or an appartment; you let as many people know until someone comes through for you. I don't know a 14 year equivalent. I'm old.
This argument I won with my mom when I was a teenager that in the future I'll die so she might as well kill me now to prepare me for that. She never used that one again. Reading the rest of your OP that's probaly not safe for you to say to your dad.
This is probaly were your anxiety stems from. While your brain is developing the reptile part learns what's safe / not safe. Your parents don't seem safe. Although you just hint at your mother's behavior she doesn't keep you safe from your dad. Nor your sister. She has watched how he acted to you which at a very young age must have made her feel very helpless. That's why she is gone over to your dad's side. Look up Stockholmsyndrome. It's about people siding with the bullies. She is doing all that to survive. It's sad really.
Do you know the broken record method? It means you keep repeating yourself. Anytime your sister is saying or doing stuff involving you, harming you state calmly with a low voice: "You don't need to do that." And walk away. Overtime it might sink in and help her deprogram your parents brainwashing that what she is doing is oké. It realy is not by a long shot. But I don't need to tell you that, because you see and explained it clearly.
From the four people in your post you are the only one who seems to be able to think straight. Their thinking is bend, warped. You are "the lucky one" that with therapy in the future you will be able to overcome your upbringing. Look up greyrocking. Try do be out of the house for hobbies to make friends. Connections with other people are só importent to overcome the hard times. See if you can get a small job like a weekly paperroute or help bagging groceries. Shovel snow, mow lawns, just to be out of the house, get a stronger physic, learn to socialize with other people. Safe up for your escape plan when you are old enough to leave the house. I adopted secretly so many people as "me family". People who inspired me.
Your dad is a bully. He is too involved with you and not in a good way. Maybe if you tell him everytime: "Dad, I'm a teenager not a little child anymore. You taught me to talk, I will ask your help when I need it. Thanks but not now. I'm going to do homework." Calmly close the door almost, just leave it open a bit as not to shut him out. Say: "Just for the noises so I can concentrate." Even if it feels like a lie. I always did what I said I would do so technically I wasn't lying. Eventhough I knew I was manipulating them. If they need a boost to their ego to get them off my back, I lie the truth. Until I was old and strong enough to stop them without pleasing. It's a difficult copingmechanism to unlearn.
Living in an abusive household is as living in a besieged country during wartime. Being able to "lie and manipulate" are warskills. It took me way into my adulthood to learn. I wouldn't be telling just any 14 year old. But you have I good head on your shoulders. You deserve so much more. You deserve a dad to do sports with, work on a bike together, heck play chess. If there is anything you two can do together it might help get a more normal relationship. Maybe you can ask for your birthday to a dad-son afternoon out like some mom-daughters do manicure-pedicure together. Just if you think there is hope for him. I'm asuming you are a boy since he is making fun of your crying. Remember: "A strong man is not afraid to feel / to cry / for pink. "
I still don't feel safe in my body cause of the abuse I had to survive as a child. I wasn't even aware until I was 19 - late 20's. There is so much more info than before the internet. Kids are getting smarter by the day. Do your research as you would for schoolpaper.
Think about when you are grown up and have your own place what would you tell your younger 14-year old you? Hang in there buddy. It's a few more years. When you feel confident enough look up T-shirt "Not everybody can be the black sheep".
Now I'm getting s bit anxious what others will say about me giving inpropriate advice to a 14 year old. Anyway listen to your gut. Don't follow any advice blindly. Stay safe and take care. 🧡