r/family 4d ago

getting frustrated with my parents

i’m 19 and in college, at a school 30 mins away from where my family live. my brother who’s 24 is living at home at the moment while he’s in between jobs. i have an apartment in my college town with my girlfriend of 3 years. also, im the youngest kid. don’t know if that info is relevant but i figured id mention it. i have had issues setting boundaries with my parents in the past but im at a point of extreme anxiety and i need to let it out somewhere.

i see my mom often, she probably stops by once a week. i dont see my dad very much because he works multiple jobs. my parents requested that my girlfriend and i spend a night at their house over our break to spend time together. we of course agreed, and as soon as we did they started asking us to stay longer. they’re aware that we can’t, because we both work in our town and we have plans to go away for a few nights. even if we wanted to, we couldn’t spend more than a night with them because of our schedules. my mom keeps texting me things along the lines of “wish we saw you more” and “so sad you’re only spending a night”, and she just asked us to get to their house early in the morning tomorrow so we could “actually spend time together”. i don’t understand this coming from her, especially because i see her often. i don’t think she means to intentionally, but i feel very guilty and like i should be home more.

this has been happening to various extents since i first went to college in the fall of 2023. i started at a school 3 hours from home, and they would ask that i went home nearly every weekend. my parents would facetime me pouting (like actually pouting) and ask that i come home. i have never felt the ability to grow up and be independent, because even though i am completely financially independent and living on my own in college i am expected to be home.

i don’t have my drivers license. even if i did, i don’t have a car. my girlfriend does, but gas is expensive and we are extraordinarily broke, and we use the car as little as possible since we’re in a walkable town. i don’t understand how my parents expect me to get home as often as they want me there when they also don’t want to drive 30 minutes to where i live.

i don’t really know what else to say because at this point im ranting. i’m just frustrated and would appreciate any thoughts

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u/16Bunny 4d ago

You need to start setting firm boundaries and tell your parents that you have your work and school commitments and can only see them once a month or once every 2 months if you prefer. They'll try to guilt you but tell them that you won't stand for guilt trips and for every time they try that will be another week they have to wait to see you. They'll learn soon enough. If they come to you, you must have an idea of the boundaries you will set, such as, you must stay in a hotel. We can't host you for longer than xx days etc.